Jump to content

What do you seek?


Recommended Posts

What do you seek?

For me, it is peace of mind, body, and spirit. 

All are interconnected and all rely on one another to be well.

Seeking... Something to ponder.

I created this piece, a Zentangle, today as I sat with my father in his hospital room. Pondering what I seek...

So simple yet so out of my reach presently... See below...

 

Mary Beth

20180219_163646.jpg

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Beautiful drawing, Mary Beth.  My artistic side eludes me right now, so seeing another’s is wonderful.

 What I truly want  I will never find.  That is a life that I had and accepting that is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  

Seek is an interesting word.  I seek solace, some kind of comfort if I must now be alone in the world unloved by that someone who made your world.  Also loving them back.  My cousin loves me, for example, but we know that isn’t the same.  Not even close.

So I seek how to live without that kind of love.  I seek what to do with the love I feel for someone who does not exist anymore.  I seek how to live as half a person in my heart.  I used to seek acceptance of his loss and it arrived with bags fully packed.    

I don’t know if what I seek can be found.  I’ve learned to exist for over 3 years.  It’s not enough.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Comfort and solace.  I think I have it, here in the place I shared with George, with memories of him, with God being just a whisper away...

Of course I'd love to have George holding me again, I always did feel that was the best place in the world to be, the feeling I had when he held me was like none I've ever felt since.  But here in my home is good too, I just wish he was back here sharing it with me again.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good question, so many answers. To get thru a day with less vs more pain? To feel Susan’s love vs just the pain of loss? Find purpose in life? Develop identity as Tom instead of 1/2 of T&S? A way to be happy & enjoy rest of my life as Susan would want?

l’m at condado beach in Puerto Rico. We always went to the Caribbean in Mar & this is in part a test of whether I can enjoy it myself. Like everything the results are mixed. I can enjoy the ocean but the memories...of Susan putting sunblock on me and saying. she had to be sure to get the panda bear ears. Then I think I might as well jump off the balcony. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tom,

Try to enjoy five minutes of the beach for me...while I'm out shoveling snow again today.  Still sick (any wonder?), back hurts, exhausted.  The beach sounds wonderful.  I know Susan and George are missing physically, but still, the thought of finding solace with him is very appealing, I invite him with me wherever I am.  Remember Harvey?  The invisible rabbit?  That's George now.  :)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That’s a nice wish, Kay, I will try. Driven off beach 3x by showers hoping for rest of afternoon. Sure I talk to Susan all the time but hadn’t thought of her as an invisible rabbit or other fictional character LOL. She wd always walk or sit to my right so I talked to her empty chair on my right on the balcony of my hotel room.  GOod you can joke abt it I’m not there yet. Sorry to hear abt shoveling snow. It’s 70 in Boston! We shovel but have just a short stretch of sidewalk. Friends in burbs all use blowers. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a long story about a snow blower we bought years ago but it's not worth sharing here.  Needless to say, I no longer have one, it's just me, shoveling.  I had everything all done last night and they predicted 1-2" and I thought, good, I can handle that.  We've gotten 5" so far today and it's still snowing.  I'm at the point I have no place to put it, I have to hoist it up and over the mounds of snow that are frozen in place.  :o  My back is in for a workout today.  I worked on the lowest part of the driveway, the ramps and path, but still have 2/3 - 3/4 of the driveway to go.  I think I'll wait until daylight.

Tom, this is all still so fresh with you, I wouldn't expect you to be able to joke about anything yet, I'm sorry, I just thought of that movie because I'm always talking to George and if anyone looked they wouldn't see anyone there.  No one is around so at least I won't likely get hauled off.

I hope it quits raining long enough for you to enjoy being there today!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay there is nothing to apologize about it’s good to hear you can joke about it. I talk to Susan a lot  

Caribbean rain isn’t like Boston rain showers come & go quickly tho yesterday they kept coming & wind very strong. I’m in airport now after getting some beach time earlie with no rain. Susan wd have approved of how I made good use of the available time on the last day. She’d say “good job PB”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad you got some beach time w/o rain!  I'm beginning to wonder if weather isn't changing everywhere, seems odd and more drastic.  Is the PB short for Pooh Bear?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, MartyT said:

I think the PB stands for Panda Bear, Kay. It was Susan's term of endearment for Tom 

Right, Marty, and thanks for rmembering. Sometime in the 70s Susan was lying on our mattress on the floor with a fever & when I came home she looked up and said "You look just like a 🐼" and that's who I've been ever since....or maybe I should say till 3/31/2017. I was only Tom or Thomas if she was mad at me. She dedicated her PhD thesis to "Thomas PB". When I was feeling down she's pat my arm and say "Pat pat the PB". The unconditional love she gave me despite a somewhat grouchy attitude is hard to understand. Not being called PB any more is one of the most painful losses.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's right, I knew it was a bear!  Sorry, just got the wrong one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I seek just simply to be at peace with all of this.  So tired of the angst, sorrow, pain, worry, doom and gloom.  Of course, there have been bright spots, but just spots....not enough to sustain one.  More sorrow and pain, feeling at a loss.....Cookie

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cookie,  I do not think I will ever be at peace with this condition.   The loneliness is terrible.  Adding physical problems  to advancing age makes it difficult to get out to try to socialize.  Sorry you are hurting so much.   Gin

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Cookie  How are you doing with your knee since surgery?  I'd noticed you hadn't been on here much and figured you were focusing on your therapy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎03‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 7:22 AM, kayc said:

@Cookie  How are you doing with your knee since surgery?  I'd noticed you hadn't been on here much and figured you were focusing on your therapy.

Kayc:  How nice of you to ask.  Well, I've had a difficult time.  It's been 10 weeks and I still have inflammation in the knee.  They put me on meloxicam.  That bothers my intestines a little, so he said I could have a steroid shot.  Had that Friday and ended up having a bad reaction--seriously flushed face, fast heart rate, anxiety, headache and nausea.  Finally found out this morning (Monday) that some people can have a sensitivity to it, so can't have that again and just hope it works.  They really don't give you much information when things are done, even if you ask, which I did.  She said they don't say anything because most people don't have a reaction.  Anyway, I've been fighting discouragement and almost wish I had never had the knee surgery done, but the doctor said it would be so easy and I would be back to yoga in 2 weeks.  I think I was better off with the tears.  But what is done is done, I know, and I have to figure out my way through this.  Missing the activity level I was used to as it was my way of coping with grief.  Surely this will heal in time.....anyway, how kind of you to inquire...just been a little depressed.....Cookie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On ‎03‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 8:48 PM, Gin said:

Cookie,  I do not think I will ever be at peace with this condition.   The loneliness is terrible.  Adding physical problems  to advancing age makes it difficult to get out to try to socialize.  Sorry you are hurting so much.   Gin

Feel for you too Gin.  The loneliness is terrible....wish we all could be in an in-person group and do some things together.  That would help wouldn't it?  You take care....Cookie

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry to learn that you're still not where you want to be following your knee surgery, Cookie. I know it's tough to keep moving, most especially when you must be your own cheerleader. I hope it helps to know that we're all thinking of you, and sending healing thoughts to you 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Cookie said:

Kayc:  How nice of you to ask.  Well, I've had a difficult time.  It's been 10 weeks and I still have inflammation in the knee.  They put me on meloxicam.  That bothers my intestines a little, so he said I could have a steroid shot.  Had that Friday and ended up having a bad reaction--seriously flushed face, fast heart rate, anxiety, headache and nausea.  Finally found out this morning (Monday) that some people can have a sensitivity to it, so can't have that again and just hope it works.  They really don't give you much information when things are done, even if you ask, which I did.  She said they don't say anything because most people don't have a reaction.  Anyway, I've been fighting discouragement and almost wish I had never had the knee surgery done, but the doctor said it would be so easy and I would be back to yoga in 2 weeks.  I think I was better off with the tears.  But what is done is done, I know, and I have to figure out my way through this.  Missing the activity level I was used to as it was my way of coping with grief.  Surely this will heal in time.....anyway, how kind of you to inquire...just been a little depressed.....Cookie

Oh Cookie, I'm sorry it's been so complicated and not as straightforward as some people's knee surgeries.  Isn't that just the luck!  I hope it does become better and you can get back to your yoga soon, that brings such tranquility and seems just what you need!  I'm sorry about the steroid shot reaction...I suppose there can be a bad reaction to just about anything, still I think they should warn, just give the odds so people don't worry unduly.  I have bad reactions to the dye they put in you, seems when they say there's a 3% chance I'm one of the three.  

I hope you keep making progress, like you said, what's done is done, and you'll figure your way through it.  Thoughts and prayers heading your way, dear Cookie, we've been missing you!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cookie, I also could not tolerate meloxicam.  I learned the hard way about steroid shots too.  They rev you up like speed or would you like pain relief but crawl the walls?    It’s so frustrating  when your choices are limited.  Both are for calming inflammation and I don’t know if you can tolerate NSAIDS (like Advil).  There are about 20 of them and I found I couldn’t take those either after trying 5.  I like being a sensitive person, but medically it works against me.  :wacko:  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...