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 Mom, 92 passed in the doctors office yesterday.  She was even at her age so full of energy and always smiling. All week she had said she was tired. But the previous night she seemd ok, tapping her foot and smiling at a Geaorge Strait dvd. Dad woke me up cause Mom was calling for me. She was very weak, pain in her stomach and bad nausea, her arm felt weird. IShe didnt want to go to the doc but I got her an appt....I should have taken her to the ER immediately.  We got her to the docs appt in a couple hours and when she came in was the same, weak, nauseous etc and her vitals were normal even tho they had to try a couple times to get her BP, but they werent concerned. She was sitting up being examined and just fell over dead. They started working on her and she twice took a big breath and I thought she was coming back. But they just couldnt get her heart going again, no rythm. 

 mom was the sweetest kindest person in this world and tbh the only person to love and care about me. If someone stole from her she would just say 'thats ok, they need it more than i do' ...she dearly loved dad and my bro and me. 

I had moved back home 3 years ago because of a job change, wanting to go back to school, and watch over and help them. Mom dealt pretty good but she was unable to cope w/ dads stroke in late october and well they both needing some help.  dad had a mild stroke end of oct, mom collapsed from the stress a week later. She was ok and dad came home before Chritsmas. But dad had changed, mom and i both saw it. he spent every dollar he could....mom bent over backwards to make him happy but he didnt seem to care.

We had a great aunt who when she passed left mom an investment acct that she specified be split tween me and my bro. Mom had kept it partly because I wanted her to have the money if dad passed first. he had cashed in his life insurance so she would have a hard time. She had told me several times she wanted to dispose of that but I waited for her to feel better. Dad is eager to get his hands on moms money. Her will leaves him everything and when I pointed out our great aunts wishes and moms wishes he got angry.

Its not about money, its about honoring the wishes of my great aunt and my mother. Dad has acted since his stroke like he doesnt care. he was totally not there yesterday when mom was sick, just sat there as she died, and at the hospital when im biting my tongue to keep from crying he is joking. 

Thats what makes it doubly hard, my dad didnt care about mom and he doesnt care about me. On the way home from the hospital hes wanting to stop and eat at Ihop, moms fav place, I declined. All he was talking about was her estate. I told him if he needs to talk or he needs me for anything just knock on the door and wake me up. Ya know what? he didnt offer me anything. My father....

 

Maybe at 91 himself and he knows he could go at any time he has to understand. But I will take care of him and work to getting my IT certs and find a job. Honestly maybe would be better when we move cause everything here reminds me of mom. When I made my morning coffee she would grab this little demitasse cup and was all excited like a kid and id give her a tiny cup of coffee and she would tell me that was the best coffee she ever had.

Ive lost friends and family but its never hit me hard. I know that she is in God's arms and at peace so I grieve for my loss and regrets at not better spending the time we had. You cant go back so spend your time wisely. Cant stop crying and I havent cried in years. Just cant understand how and why she was ok just tired and then got so sick and was gone so fast and could we have saved her. Dont really know what to think or do but I know i have a deep wound and I have to stop the bleeding and it will heal in time and there will be a nasty scar and I will always remember and be inspired by Mom.

 

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Isnt that what Buddhism teaches, to not grasp? life is all about changes and flowing, not static. You cant hold onto things esp people. yet we build these static lives that are hardened and when the natural flow of life happens we break. I know i need to start healing and understand this in my heart just not sure how. Is like life has shattered.

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Tachi, I am sorry for the loss of your mom.  It's hard no matter when it hits.  My mom also made it to 92, I lost her 3 1/2 years ago.

If you'd taken her to ER, you'd likely had a several hour wait, just took someone there last Sunday, she was seen quicker with her doctor.

Your last sentence says so much...

17 hours ago, Tachi said:

I will always remember and be inspired by Mom.

Your mom must have been a special person.  Cherish those memories, they hold us until we meet again.

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Thank you for your reply. Ive been reading and trying to figure out what im supposed to do now, I guess I have to put myself back together because I feel shattered. I know and understand consciously that Mom is gone and thats a part of life. But I guess its subconsciously its like an open bleeding wound . But I know that in time it will heal, there will be sad times and many fond memories. Mom was just love, she sacrificed herself for her family her entire life. The kind of person you feel you have to protect.  I have lost friends and extended and close family but its never been like this. Parents are special. I know it would be easier if I hadnt seen her die. It would be easier if I hadnt seen her in pain and confusin before we took her to the hospital. the woulda shouldas will always haunt me. I know thats wrong and maybe one day i will internalise that.  I know it would be easier if I wasnt living with them and thinking she might just walk in and seeing all her things. Yet I know better. Consciously I understand it, this is life. But deep inside I dont get it, hopefully one day I will. I think that I either heal or i die inside. Since I am shattered I need to rebuild myself. Ive read that you are never the same. My thought is that I need to rebuild myself as a better person, a person that embodies what ive always wished to believe. That will be my goal for whatever time I have left. Its been a long list of emergencies and tragedies since last Oct and I find myself out of work, all dreams gone and Mom gone. My remaining commitment is to take care of Dad. 

     I 'know' all these things but theres still a deep part of ourselves thats beyond our understanding, control, and rational thought...and thats in so much pain.  And THAT is what i dont know how to fix. I pray that dad, who seems ok so far, will survive a few years. One of my fallen dreams was to work in the 3D art industry, games etc. I even went to school for awhile. Mom  had been a fantatsic painter until the arthritis in her hands kept her from holding a brush. What I plan is to Do some artwork that I know she would love. maybe a blog or website and do art for her and post some of her family stories. She had some good ones. 

Thank you for posting. If you have any advice or some good links they would be greatly appreciated.

Take care

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Yes, you've seen her suffer, you've seen her die...that is hard to visibly watch and the memory doesn't ever go away.  But I hope it is of consolation to you that she is no longer suffering in that way.  It has been to me...my own mom, as much as I love her and even miss her, was not a good mom.  There is no other way to put it.  She had a lot of mental issues.  But when I married my kids' dad, his mom was the mom I'd always wanted, loving, thoughtful, sweet, a wonderful woman.  She was not only my MIL, she became my best friend.  She was the person I could talk to, the person who gave me tips on how to make an award-winning pie crust, how to get stain out of the carpet, what to do for a baby with colic.  When my kids were little, she was sent home from the hospital with cancer in her liver and bones...she was given three weeks to live.  She lived almost three years after that.  I was her daytime caregiver, papa took care of her at night.  For nearly three years we lived and breathed cancer.  I watched this woman endure so much pain, yet through it all she was stoic.  It's been over thirty years and yet even now it brings tears to my eyes to recall.  That was a very hard time and yet also a very special time.  I'm glad we were able to honor her wishes, it was our privilege to be able to do so.  I can't even put into words how precious that time with her was.  But watching her suffer...that was hard!  When she passed, the dominating feeling was relief for her, for at last she was out of it...but a very close second was our loss.  I did not know how I would go on without her.  I knew a thousand women together could not fill her shoes!  She would spend all day cooking and surprise us with a wonderful anniversary dinner, along with seven layer chocolate cake...all from scratch.  And she was the world's best cook!  It was an act of love.  I remember when Paul and I were getting on a plane to go to Denmark, Holland, Sweden...she gave us an envelope and told us to open it when we were on the plane.  We did...she'd enclosed $100 for us to spend on whatever we wanted...this was forty years ago, $100 was a lot of money then.  She was always thinking of others.

I don't know how I've lived all these years without her, I guess we don't get a choice.  As one member here puts it, one foot in front of the other.  And as I've learned, one day at a time.  I've been through divorce, met and married a wonderful man that truly loved me, and I him, only to lose him to death nearly 13 years ago.  I didn't see how I could live one week without him, and yet I have.  It's been the hardest thing in my life to do.

One of the things that has helped me in my grief journey is learning to focus on what good there is, not merely what isn't anymore.  I try not to compare today with the past, because in so doing it devalues what good there is today.  I try to honor the person I've lost by living my life the best that I can.  That said, I don't deny the tears that come, it is a part of our grief we must go through, and it's okay and understandable to feel down.  Little by little we adjust and get better at coping with our loss and the changes it's meant to our life.  It won't always stay in the same intensity.

It helps to see a professional grief counselor.  If you choose to do so, understand that they aren't always the same, and if you don't feel it with one, it's okay to try another, that happens sometimes.

I wish you well on your journey, blessings and peace.

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Kayc, thank you, you have some wonderfull memories. I 'know' but still deep inside I will never understand and I can be ok and then cry. Dad said that Mom would scold us for being so sad. She was always thinking of us. Trying to remember the wonderfull things about her and deal with this. I guess we just all have to in our own way learn how to navigate it. Talked to my big brother last night and we had a good talk. I want to honor her and I guess It will just take time to get to the point where I can do normal things without crying and breaking. I took her burial clothes to The Funeral Home today and since she always loved the roses in our yard I put a bud of roses in each pocket. She used to paint and many years ago when her artrhritis meant she couldnt use her hands on the brushes she did one last painting for each of us. I hung mine on the wall last night. When I moved home three years ago I showed her that I still had it and she was surprised. I would never part with it.  Thank you for reaching out. When I moved back home I lost all friends and the only people I knew out here were at work and now that im out of work I dont have them. My best friend and I are like brothers so I truely thank God for him. His Mom is so much like mine I had always get along very well.

I know everyone goes thru this, that nothing can really prepare you for it, and that it just takes time. I was remembering last night that I will have jury duty soon, but theres no way I can go. I have already put it off the one time cause both folks didnt feel good, just hope they understand.

Everyone goes thru it, no one wants to talk about it and we certainly arent taught in advance how to deal with this. The deep pain inside that idk its like on an inner level and it does what it will. i just hope that one day soon I can do normal life things and not cry. Im spending time with dad  and trying to help him but hes very sad. 

I just feel alone in a world full of people and like i'm staring at losing my dad and staring at my own mortality. It's terrifying. Nothing has taste or color. I know what needs to happen just not the how except to give it time, let myself cry, and hope it gets better. I see that you've made so I can do it. I have to for my dad. It's been constant tragedy since Oct and ive been wondering 'whats next' and this happens so i'm afraid to wonder what else is coming.

My best friend suggested to try and get back to some of my routine, which is artwork and studying for IT. Going to try. The funeral is wednesday and maybe after thats done we can cope better. Forgive me if i tell youre an angel. Thank you so very much *hugs*

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Marty,

Thank you very much, i will be reading these tonight. Dad goes to bed after the ten o'clock news and I dont want him to feel bad that i'm crying so will read them then and let some of it out

Thank you

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18 hours ago, Tachi said:

Dad said that Mom would scold us for being so sad.

Maybe not.  Here we only understand what we've been through, but I believe when we're no longer bound by these physical bodies, we have a greater capacity for understanding...by now she realizes what you guys are going through and would be the first to understand and have empathy for you.  Of course they don't want us to be sad, but that can't be avoided in early grief.  It takes time, really, it's quite a process, to make our way through this.

Since art is important to you, you might want to look into art therapy with a grief specialist.  It can be very helpful.  (((hugs)))

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Sadly ive been out of work all year and will probably be so until I can pass my certification so money is very tight. Mom loves flowers and birds and fairies and butterflies so i thought i'd make her some gardens. I think she would tell us to not be upset, lol she would always just say 'then dont be upset', she figured since its all in the mind if we make a conscious choice to not be upset thats all it takes. I know and I understand on a conscious level, my head gets it. But deep inside is broken, spirit and heart. I no longer expect her to walk in. I dont cry anymore when i see her things, and this entire home is her things. But thinking about it as im typing, yea im crying, gonna take time. I'm going to han on and start healing so I can take care of my dad. It has been a steady stream of tragic events since last october and I joke with my best friend in a sad way. 'what can be next'...not going to do that again. The sad thing to me is that there is no other family around. dad does have a small group of friends that gather once a week and that will help him greatly. I have my best friend and we have been doing alot of email. All my other friends, rather people I knew I either lost when I moved or lost when i quit work. The circumstances that landed me here have been failures in my life but the fact that i'm here and able to help Dad makes it all worthwhile. Quitting work at last years end is now the best thing ive ever done because it gave me alot more time with Mom. And I can be here all day with Dad. He cried today for the first time. My big brother in Cali sent us a book on grief that he says he has used and is very good. Hopefully after the service tomorrow and Dad goes to his Club meeting with all his friends thursday he will feel a bit better.  You know how this goes, hurt at a primal level that conscious effort wont fix. For all we as a society think we are smart and strong and wise, loss and grief shows us how ridiculous we really are. 

Thank you more than you know. For someone like me who has just one friend left it means so much.

Scott

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We buried Mom today. It was a simple burial under a beautifull blue Texas sky. Dad had her put in her comfy robe, I put a rose in each pocket and dad gave them a small bag of her roses to scatter in the grave. She would have liked that. It was dificult but we got thru it. Now that its done im a little better. I think of her all the time and im sad and to a point numb. I feel very relaxed and definitely am not the person I was, not sure who I am now. Guess that means I can put me back together to a point how i would like to be. I know dad is sad but I think either hes holding most of it in or hes so fatalistic .....I dont think he understands at all how much this hurts for me. It will take a long time. I am supposed to get jury duty the 7th but I can tell theres no way I will go. I will write and asked to be excused. I postponed it once since both parents werent well. I need time to heal and i wont leave dad. Just hope they dont decide to come arrest me. I know this will be ongoing for a long time, I cry at times and that will happen every day for awhile. But i can tell that I will be ok. Thank you folks very much for all your love and care, it has meant so much to me.

Scott

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Thank you, she was a wonderfull person and is in a better place, My best friend and confidante, miss her greatly.

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Scott,

You made it through the service, now it's time to focus more on you and begin the healing process...don't worry how long it takes, it takes what it takes.  My mom didn't cry at my dad's funeral, I did.  She came home and started emptying his closet and getting rid of his things.  I was shocked.  I realize now that we all handle this differently and it's not like there's a wrong way and a right way, only our way.  I can assure you, over the next 32 years, my mom missed my dad greatly, how she hung in there all those years I don't know.  It helped her that I'd talk about him from time to time, she said no one else brought him up, like they were afraid of upsetting her...not like she forgot him, not for a moment!  Now I understand because my own husband has been gone nearly 13 years.  I miss my mom, she's the one person who would understand what I'm going through now, but she's been gone 3 1/2 years.

I'm sure they'll excuse you for jury duty.  If not, go and don't hold in your tears, be the basket case you feel and they'll let you go for sure!  😉

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Thx kay....Dad said that after he made the bed he could see Mom standing there shaking her head. She would make the bed as she got out of it and it would be perfect. It does help Dad that we can talk about Mom and smile. Going to put some rose bushes in for her and Mom always had a small vase of fresh flowers on the dining table that came from the yard. Dad wants to keep that going as a remembrance. Of the few people Mom knew I have sent thank you cards letting them know she has passed and thanking them for being so sweet to her. I know you're right I have to put me back together. Going thru pages of noted and getting back to studying and getting back to artwork. At 60 i'm out of work and studying for basic IT certification so I can hopefully move into a low IT job and not return to retail mgt. I have great respect for both you and your Mom, you are so strong. Thank you for helping me and for helping everyone. It really makes a difference. When I get some landscapes done will see if I can upload them here.

Take care,

Scott

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Your talking about your dad making the bed brought me a smile.  It took me back to something I'd long forgotten...when I was a little girl my mom taught us how to make the bed, complete with perfect corners on our sheets.  (I don't recall if I showed those to my kids or not.)  In later years I bought a fluffy comforter to throw on the bed, it covered a multitude of imperfections and looked great!  :D  Our parent's generation was fastidious about such things.  :)  I think it's sweet of your dad for trying.

My mom also had a vase of flowers on the table, often roses, sometimes a magnolia bloom, she had a beautiful garden and yard...I didn't inherit her green thumb!  Sounds like your mom and mine were related!  

I'd love to see your landscapes!  I have an artistic bent...I don't paint or anything that great but I do make cards, have been doing them for over 30 years.  

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You should post some of your cards. I pushed myself so hard the last couple years on artschool and couldnt understand why I just didnt get it. Couldnt handle failing at it repeatedly so i stopped. It will be a hobby, I am an artist and thats my only passion in life so i can no more give it up than stop breathing. At the end here I think maybe it's all about just enjoying it. the creativity. Thats why ive been so out of sorts because I havent even tried doing any art for months. I think our Moms would have gotten along well, probably drink some tea, have some cookies and chatted. Attached please find my work. made in a 3d program Vue, not painted or anything. Creating is how I drift away and find peace.

Dad gave me Moms old laptop as I'm studying for my certification in IT and try and find a job. Inside I found a music cd. Have been wanting to play it but still working up the courage. :) Tried listening to george Strait, her favorite but couldnt make it. In time I want a tshirt that I will wear to remember her by. My dad seems to be doing well but I think his mind is slipping . And I knew that he had some thinking issues, have seen them for a couple years. I see a need to do more for him but i'm afraid now that I wont have enough time to study. I know he would love to have me just sit with him all day but I cant. Guess I will work that out. 

Thank you for helping. this is a dark road.

Scott

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Got the second jury summons today. I emailed and explained and asked to be let go. Frabkly am terrified to go downtown and go to jury duty. for many reasons. But I know they could care less and they will insist I show up, I will need to decide if i go and ask to be released or just no show and get arrested. Do the bad times ever end? Its been a steady stream since october, life just needs to chill for a bit.

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I've never gone for jury duty.  I would have found it interesting but when they asked, it wasn't good timing.  The first time I was nursing my baby.  The second time I was very needed at my job, I was Office Mgr for a mill and there was no one to do my job for a month...my boss is the one who wrote a letter that time, explaining it'd be a hardship.  The third time I had been doing prison ministry and they decided to disqualify me, feeling it'd be hard for me to be fair.  Actually, I think I'd have had a better understanding and comprehension than most, but I was relieved I wouldn't have to miss work, again, that would have been hard on my job.  Now I have the time but can't drive at night (I'm 1 1/2 hours away from court).  I'd be surprised if they didn't let you off.  But then again, a lot of people in our society don't understand how all encompassing grief is or what it feels like.

Maybe art is exactly what you need right now.  To pour your feelings into something you're working on, it could be a good outlet.  It might even help you be in touch with your feelings and how you want to proceed.  I did art therapy when my husband died, it helped me define what I was feeling like, where I wanted to be, to be able to work towards that.  I don't have the interest I used to in my art, it used to overflow from my happiness when George was alive, he loved watching me work at it.  I guess I've had a wee bit of depression since he died, nothing huge, just slight lack of interest in some things that I used to enjoy, especially my passion for creating.

My sister wanted to be an artist, but didn't want to be a starving artist, and most are, so she instead became a librarian.  I got her back in touch with her creativity, it actually helped her feel happier.  I told her it was part of her soul, and long neglected, she needed that outlet.  I guess I need someone to egg me on too.  ;)

I think you're right, life needs to chill for a bit!

 

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I love these, yes ma am you should return to this creativity. Ive thought that everyone is born creative but some deny it or never develop it. My folks were both painters as hobby so I grew up with the love. I think it strikes a deeper chord within us. As for me its like breathing and ive just been taking short gasps of breath for a long time. Mom understood why I wanted to try and make 3d a living but dad never seemed to care or understand. We talked the other day and he doesnt understand me trying to learn IT and get into a new field. I explained slowly and carefully but hes just not capable to understand. He has some cognitive issues  that I see clearly when he discusses things and gets his signals crossed but he cant see it. In any case I think that now as I feel a great calm on the inside and tension on the outside and I know that im not the same person...I need to shape who I will be for the rest of my life. Art has always what soothes my soul so time to embrace it again. 

 I think you and George made a great couple. You should be creative. These are very nice, some remind me of the Victorian illustrations. You have helped many people in your life I think. You do remind me of the ladies on my dad's side up in Ohio. You would fit right in. Take good care of yourself and consider doing some more artwork, I think you would really enjoy it. Consider that my feeble attempt to egg you on.

 Attached is another landscape. I love so much making environments and dream im there. For this I didnt create the things used but arranged them and made the atmosphere. I think thats what I will be doing tonight.

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That's very good.  At the last place I worked at we had a guy that did our IT and 3D, it can be very creative as well.  I love nature and your landscape is very good.

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Yes, a gentleman that teaches had suggested I look for a job thats IT with 3D. Starting today trying to get back into things. Going to have to watch dad. He has been thinking he's broke but he isnt even close. I suggested he check his acct online. I ran a budget so he will stop worrying about money and unless he spent alot in the last two days he has plenty. That is a very fine line. Seems you cant disagree and you cant tell them anything because they always know better. But I refuse to let him believe and live by something that isn't true. I promised Mom I would always take  care of Him, as well as I love him and this is my duty as a son. Some things I can let him do or think what he likes. But when it comes to his well being he can just get mad at me. I am what I think is respectfull but to dad I think respect means just agreeing with whatever he says, and that I wont do. So these are my quiet years eh?

 One tip for everyone, never read medication warnings out loud. I did on his new Parkinsons med and one is that you may fall asleep without warning so he refuses to drive. We will be at the doctors tomorrow and have added that to the question list.

Going to take advantage of this energy from my coffee while it lasts. When I get another landscape done will post it for you. Thank you again

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Here we go. dad is constantly talkative before the evening news that I cant study around him so will get a little artwork done. After I get thru with Jury duty (yea they dont care) will hopefully be in a daily routine and get things done. As time permits will be browsing here and seeing how much I can learn. I know im healing but many times during the day I think Mom's still here and sometimes get really sad. But will be ok, something that will need ongoing work for awhile, thank you folks again.

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Grrr, it makes me angry that they didn't excuse you!  Society just doesn't understand about grief and how it affects you, they don't know about brain fog or how emotional this can be.  Like I said, cry, etc. if you feel like it, maybe then they'll realize you're not in a state of readiness for this.  :angry:

Great picture!  That takes a lot of talent!

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Thx, I will email again tonight and write a respectfull letter and mail it registered mail. But honestly I doubt they will care. Just irks me they dont care and they cant even reply. I will be honest and let them know I wont be able to be fair and honest or even care. I agree, people dont understand nor care. 

 

rying to keep working on art, thats who and what I am so have to reconnect to that.

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