Mom

[Tachi]

Thanks, almost like fireworks.....spent a couple hours cleaning off dads patio and cleaning the furniture. I learned that I am old and dont need to be out in the heat for very long. Odd seeing another proof that i'm getting old....

[kayc]

Oh Tachi, so am I, so am I.  I'm feeling it more every day.  Yet the thought that I could live into my 90s does little to assay my fears.  I don't want to grow old alone and then get dementia.  Okay, back to today, back to what is.  My dog is dying in increments, little by little, I'm having a hard time with that, he's so precious, he's my world, and I don't want to lose him.  I see the little changes and they're like alarm bells going off to me.  But aren't we all going, little by little, we just aren't aware of it.  Live each day to the fullest, be in the moment, enjoy what is.

[Tachi]

I agree, passing doesnt so much scare me as becoming incapacitated. i watch my dad slowly get worse. he refuses to go to his doctor. He thinks of medicine as go to the doc, they give you something, and youre totally cured. At his stage that wont happen, its about slowing the effects. Sadly, thanks to his narcissism he wont listen to me. yes, I fear what could happen alot more than going peacefully in my sleep. I wonder if perhaps medicine has prolonged the time of life but not the quality. Why live to be 100 if those last 20 years are horrible. Esp in a society that doesnt really value the elderly. 

Im so sorry about your dog. I have no words of wisdom. Give him all the love you can. Treasure the good and hang in there. Some things we simply cannot change, I wish it was different. Life just seems to be full of sadness with a little joy. At least from my perspective. Yes, as soon as we are born the clock is ticking. It seems like we have so much time, never enough.

Take good acre of yourself...

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Tachi said:

watch my dad slowly get worse. he refuses to go to his doctor. He thinks of medicine as go to the doc, they give you something, and youre totally cured. At his stage that wont happen, its about slowing the effects. Sadly, thanks to his narcissism he wont listen to me.

That's what I went through with my mom. She quit going to the doctor.  A year later she stopped taking her medicines.  Her brain was getting worse and worse.  She didn't heed any of us kids' advice or suggestions.  We had to take her to court to get a court ordered evaluation, it took a year to get to that point!  By that time she thought we were going to throw her in jail if she didn't comply.  The evaluation showed Stage 3 Dementia, soon to become Stage 4.  They ordered her in 34/7 lockdown but no assisted living would take her because of the liability and we had to wait a few months for a dementia care facility to open.  Meanwhile the government assigned her a caseworker, I'm sure my mom hopelessly frustrated her, she did her best to explain things to her but in the world of the demented person, you have to enter their world and play along, it's very hard to get anything through to them.  Finally my brother drove her to the dementia care place, bringing only a few clothes, nothing much was allowed.  She was allowed a picture of my dad up on the wall but they took it down because they said she'd look at it and cry.  She forgot how to use a phone.  I live two hours from there so my only way to communicate with her was to go see her, so I'd go there after work.  Thankfully I could drive in the dark in those days.  Then I watched her go, bit by bit.  At first she slept all the time.  I told them to get her up in the main area in the daytime and only give her one nap in the afternoon.  She came alive, talking to people who were practically comatose, but she seemed not to notice they didn't respond.  She liked it there, amazingly enough!  She'd been alone for so many years...
She had a bad fall so they took her walker away.  That ended my being able to take her out to dinner because they required two people handle her at all times, even though she weighed less than half of what my dog did!  She wasn't happy after they took her walker away, that changed things.  She began deteriorating, wouldn't eat, I tried taking turns eating bites with her, trying to coax her into it.  Finally I asked them to give her Ensure. Instead they made her milkshakes, which landed her a trip to the hospital because of her diabetes.  I couldn't imagine what they were thinking!  They finally told me the family had to provide the Ensure (they could throw meal after meal away but couldn't give her a can of Ensure a day), it'd have been nice if they'd provided that information earlier!  So we brought them a case of Ensure.  She didn't use much of it though, because she went into a coma and then died.  I'm glad I got my sisters to visit her just a couple of weeks prior, some hadn't seen her in years because she had been so difficult.  I wanted them to see her in her more mellow state instead of judgmental, negative, controlling.  She'd become a very different person...

The journey of dementia is unique.  As Marty said, each journey is unique as it affects them each a little differently.  But I'm glad I was there for her, glad I got to see her after she was put on medication for her paranoia, for that had plagued her perceptions and responses all her life.  She became a much softer person, even able to appreciate, which she never had before!

 

[Tachi]

Our hearing at probate is tomorrow. Ive explained this numerous times and after lunch he asks me why we are going to court. We've been over that several times. I dont know if he is forgetting or if he just doesnt listen to me. usually whenever i talk about his estate or anything about my life he goes catatonic. So I explained it all carefully and slowly. If he shows signs of incompetence tomorrow it all falls apart. Our atty is a nice younger lady who she and her husband run a small office by themselves. But that means I can never get ahold of her. I would really like to ask some questions and have some indication she hasnt forgotten and I would really appreciate her meeting dad on the courthouse steps and helping him to the room. I will need to drop him off and go find a parking garage several blocks away. 

Is it not so very odd that we arent taught about the later stages of Life...how to cope and how to prepare. I think most people could benefit by proper preparation. But by and large we are a fat, spoiled, and lazy society. 

I sincerely pray I dont need to go through what you did, I dont think i'd have the strength. But i'm glad you did, and able to visit your Mom. near the end at least she was mellow and she felt the love you had for her. Odd how in the end it boils down to the simple things. Time is precious as well as people. The Mind is a wonderful and mysterious thing. I've always considered that our faculties are all tied together, mind...body...soul...etc

Time to run, want to drive downtown so i know how to get there, as well as see where the parking garages are.

Take good care and talk to ya later...

[kayc]

Do let us know how it goes, you're in my thoughts and prayers today.

[Tachi]

What a very odd day, but it went well. Now the atty needs to file the muniment order and let it be finalised and file a ladybird for which we sign and the house deed is done

dad was sick and feeling weak. i know he didnt want to but he went. there are no spaces at the courthouse to drop someone off, very odd. I stopped at the top of a 'T' intersection and dropped him off. Spent 10 minutes or so hunting a parking spot and finally found a garage. Went inside the courthouse and the room had been changed and kept getting told different numbers and never found a room with the number on it. Thankfully the atty found dad and took care of him. Entire process was just signing a couple papers and judge sign a few. Atty was very nice and dad liked her. We stopped at Ihop on the way home for dinner but he has just been acting odd. maybe today upset him, as well as him being ill. Now he can relax, I just hope our atty gets the rest done in a timely manner. 

Thanks for your prayers, we made it. Thats left of what dad wanted...finalise the deed and set the ladybird and do the estate sale. 

I snuck a peak at the next IT certification for me, it's Networking and it compares to 9-12 months in the field....my jaw dropped.

[kayc]

Good for you, professionally!

I'm glad the attorney found your dad and looked after him while you parked.  Taking dementia patients out can be scary when you can't leave them alone but they're hard to manage physically too.  I'm glad the day is done!

[Tachi]

Thanks, off rest of the week, did my cleaning around the house already so a few days of relearning how to use my art software. I can tell the days dad is challenged, he scowls like an angry toddler and gets really quiet. So will see how fast and how badly he is degrading. he has always gotten upset when I ask or offer help he just disagrees immediately. So he cuts himself off for help unless he asks for it. 

There were two workers outside the building where dad went and the entrance he needed was along the next side and not signed and one guy stopped what he was doing and took him over there, very nice guy.

So have you regained your health? i was going to suggest a bottle of apple cider vinegar with the mother...but I bought one a few years ago and by the smell of it theres no way i could drink it even mixed in juice lol.

[kayc]

I have a friend who had serious gallbladder issues and drank apple cider vinegar when she had an attack, she went on like this for a few years, she didn't sign up for health insurance so had none, I tried to get her to enroll in Obamacare but she's stubborn, could have died, by the time she hit medicare she was in such bad shape they not only had to remove her gallbladder but she had stones in other areas too and they had to do a procedure to get them out as well, the hospital botched it and then she had to go to OHSU...what people put themselves through out of their stubbornness!  I guess if the pain is so great you drink it, ugh!  I've heard it's good for your system but it seems there must be another way to get stuff in your system than drinking that!

It took a while to get my system back to normal, at least I hadn't been on antibiotics, that really messes people up!  I'm feeling better now, thanks! 

Now it's my dog I worry about.  I have him on SAM-e and Milk Thistle for his liver, I've always had him on Probios and Metamucil because of his Colitis, and cook healthy for him, people say he eats better than they do!  He's been eating well except sometimes I have to coax him in the mornings, that must be his bad time of day.  

I guess all you can do is wait for your dad to voice himself, try not to hold yourself hostage to his moods, tiptoeing around him, etc. how unhealthy to have to live like that!  Take a break and work on your art!

 

[Tachi]

 Not too long ago I was interested in nutrition etc. I have seen many references to new findings and ideas and wanted to compare and find a healthy path. However there seem to be so many views and I cant sort through them all. So I will try and eat healthy and be active. 

I know my dad has increased tremors since he decided he didnt need his Parkinson's med anymore. he told me he has a problem with reading from being unable to always go to the next line. He jumps to the wrong one. So he no longer tries to build models and he no longer tries to read. he refuses to try anything and he refuses to see a doctor. All day he sits comatose in his chair staring and refuses to try. He will not listen. He who thinks he knows everything ends up not only knowing nothing but he is slowly dieing from it. When he talks to my brother he acts like everything is fine. Thats part of the act, not admitting he refuses to cope or try. A normal person I could talk to and have a chance of getting them to agree to try. But he has convinced himself nothing can be done and he knows everything. Doctors cant help, since when did he have a medical degree? 

I try very hard to do what I need to do. While I am not truely free while I live here I as much as I can isolate myself from him. I know what he is and how he is. The peace is holding and I will help if he asks and its not a scam. I never know if what he says is real or not. But I have compassion for a human being who is suffering and doubly so because he is foolish. I dont know if anything could be done but to not try isn't acceptable. I fear that his mind has become unhinged. It doesnt help that often we cant get ahold of my brother. just once a week helps greatly. 

Only thing I can think of is to get him Audible...ive suggested it but he says they wouldnt have anything he likes. Thats how it is with my every suggestion. he could watch Hulu or Youtube or prime but he says there isn't anything he likes. he has problems using the search to find things so since it doesnt work he doesnt try.

 

To continue my Insurance would have cost me over 500/month. Considering that I may go broke getting through taking care of the estate after he passes I didnt want to draw down my bank acct. It's a terrible risk and one I dont enjoy. Aches and pains make me wonder if something is wrong. 

Your pup is lucky to have such a good Mom. Sounds like he has some real issues. Wish I had a good suggestion. But some things humans do dogs can and some they cant. i drink a cup of warm lemon/Ginger tea every evening and its good for many things including the digestion. But again I dont know if a dog could drink it.

I think my dad fears losing control. he told me once he is a coward and I wonder if he was letting me in on his secret. he has to be in control because he is afraid. he lords it over and bullies people who he feels he has power over yet kisses the behind of those in authority. maybe thats why he was totally ineffectual the day my Mom died. And why he was a statue in the office as they examined her and she had her emergency. Thats why he makes mistakes and then is so mad and outraged at the offending company. HE cant be wrong so he makes it out that they are, no matter how wrong he is, if he never admits it then he is never wrong. because he is always right and god reality is dispensed by him. And why he wishes to control reality for those he can exercise power over.

BUT, now his reality has crashed, because the truth of Life has broken the walls. Since he knows better than everyone and he is convinced no one can help then it isnt an option. It is as if set in stone and cannot be questioned. Like after his stroke he knew better that rehab was a waste and he didnt do it. Thats why he has more trouble walking, doesnt stand up straight, and sitting down is falling into the chair. 

Come the dawn here, sorry to ramble. Started to learn compositing in Photoshop. Am very bad at starting new things but really want to learn. Is all about cutting people and objects out of pictures and art and combining them to make your own artwork. from what i've seen skilled people do is really fun.

 

[Tachi]

Well dad told me a few days ago he would die soon. i never know if he is really thinking what he says or if he's just playing his games. because he plays games I separate myself and when he drops bombs like this I dont really get bothered. I wont ever let him see it affect me if it does. Its just building a cold heart to him. Today I was trying to help him get some business taken care of. There are things that come in that he ignores, like selectng an electric plan. he just ignored it so I logged on and asked him what he wanted. he said get the yearly plan because he wouldnt be alive a year. later at dinner he tells me his left hip is bothering him and if it doesnt get better he will go to the hospital for an xray. I suggested a few things he could try but it is as if I didnt speak. I also suggested he go to his doctor for an xray as the hospital is much more expensive. he doesnt understand that you just dont go to the hgospital like you do a doctor. You go to the emergency room, he doesnt have an emergency. I dont like his doctor either but he will send him to the radiologist for the xray and they are very good. I never know when he is truthful or just playing a game but im afraid he is going mad.

I was going to set him up with Audible today as his favorite author is on there. Come to find out hes had it for three months. But he cant use it. the volume is loud enough but it isnt clear enough. I'm wondering if his ears are just dieing because he has new $5k ears. So I guess he is stuck brooding in his chair in a dark room all day. 

this was my day, this is why I get upset and dont get any work done, really hard to concentrate. Just a circus.

[kayc]

This is exactly why we took my mom to court to get a court ordered medical evaluation.  She also had discontinued her medicines and wouldn't listen to reason.  When my son was a child and I was stewing about my mother, he quoted me Thomas Paine: “To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of reason, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture.”  In other words, you can't reason with the unreasonable!  So apropos.

Getting my mom's diagnosis and court ordered her to 24/7 lockdown (she was stage 3 and quickly went to stage 4) took it out of her decision making and ours too.  It was the best thing we could have done.  I just wish the wheels of the government turned quicker, it took us a year to get our day in court.  They provided a person to explain everything to her, I'm sure she wanted to pull her hair out but bless her heart, she tried.  My mom was nuts.

20 hours ago, Tachi said:

I fear that his mind has become unhinged.

No doubt!  As such he is not responsible for his choices.  It's beyond him.

20 hours ago, Tachi said:

Aches and pains make me wonder if something is wrong. 

Alas it's old age.  Amazing how many aches and pains we can get!    How long do you have before Medicare?  It is very different from private insurance, takes some getting used to, but I'm thankful for it.  It's $135.50/month.

20 hours ago, Tachi said:

But again I dont know if a dog could drink it.

Or don't know if a dog WOULD drink it!

Your dad sounds a lot like my mom.  She was also very controlling, abusive, manipulative.  Learning to set boundaries and adhere to them helped me greatly in dealing with her.  Highly recommend Toxic Parents, Emotional Blackmail, Boundaries.  Excellent books, changed how I dealt with her and relieved a lot of stress within myself.

I'm sure you've learned by now that you can't take what your dad says too seriously...since he hasn't been under a doctor's care, it's doubtful he knows he's dying, unless he really is feeling that much worse.  It's hard to know when they're manipulating and when they're serious.  Gosh it sounds like you're living my life with my mom, difference being I didn't live with her.  But it was hard taking care of her from 1 1/2 hours away.  She once called and told me she was out of food and only had one penny to her name.  I went and bought groceries and drove them to her and as I was getting them out of the car she said, "What's that for?"  I reminded her she'd told me she had no food and was broke.  She said, "Oh I just got groceries, I don't need those!"  Very frustrating.  And I can't count the times I was leaving to go to work and would get a call...she'd called the fire department and told them she was out of heating oil and freezing.  Then they'd call one of us kids...we'd just put $450 into her heating oil three weeks before but she insisted on living in that big house and cranking the heat up to 90.  She had ample income but gave half of it to her t.v. ministries, not keeping back enough to live on!  I reminded her that tithe is 10%, not 50% and it wouldn't get her into heaven any easier, but alas it fell on deaf ears much like you with your dad.

When my dad was alive it helped but she was widowed for 33 years and no one to temper her.

Hang in there...again your art may be your salvation right now!

 

 

[Tachi]

Happy 4th of July, fireworks and hot dogs and such.

I think you have so much strength to do what you did. You came out the other side of it. No clue if there is a purpose in these things or if it's just what Life has thrown at us, just the way it's worked out. At least i finally see something of the truth. What i'm trying to do is isolate my heart from him and not let his words or deeds affect me, they are often false. Humans desire stability and security and he is like a shadow or quicksand. he thinks its real and hes right when often its just make believe and distortion. My fear is that he needlessly bankrupt himself or cause himself harm. I would have to step in, but barring that I leave him alone other than advice. i just hope thats enough to dissuade the worst. Going thru the courts would be a last resort, as I live here i would probably be thrown out or at least this would be a very bad place to be. My concern is that since he thinks he is perfect and knows all he has convinced himself of certain things and he will fulfill them. or else he is just trying to play me. It gets very tiring to never know stability or peace. I need to stick with it til my next certification, a year. For him, he cant survive without me. theres no way.  I just wish he wouldnt give up.

Medicare for me will be 3 years and 3 months. I'm hoping to have a job by then and get medical etc thru them. It is very scary and frustrating to have the future in such a precarious position but then i suppose we just have to bear our burdens and push through. What i'm trying to do...learn to be aware and detached and step back instead of reacting. No matter what happens there are still wonderful things in this Life. Trying to learn to deal with the anxiety and worry. look at it, deal with it, and drop it. 

Your mom sounds like she was a handful, bless you for taking care of her. Dad seems better when he gets to be with his friends a bit. like lunch today. maybe he just needs a fulltime audience. Should get him a job at the library telling the kids his stories. 

Thanks for the book title, will look. have a couple I need to finish, lack of discipline and all lol. 

take good care

[kayc]

They're three separate books, can be found on Amazon.  The first two especially helped me with my mom, I found them in my 40s, they were a lifechanger.  Up until then it was constantly reacting to her, but then I didn't let her drag me down.

So you're about five years younger than me, just don't give up your Medicare rights.  Some friends of mine didn't sign up for the Medicare Rx part because they didn't need it at the time.  Later on when they did need it, they had to pay a penalty of $60/month a piece, for the rest of their lives!  Even if you have insurance, you might want to still sign up for Medicare when it's time.  If you live in a city, there should be a class on it, I didn't have that benefit here, being in the country.  I learned as I went, the hard way.

17 hours ago, Tachi said:

learn to be aware and detached and step back instead of reacting.

That's part of what I'm talking about.

 

[Tachi]

Thanks, have a couple books ordered. Will be sure to signup on medicare. Funny that same day as you posted this I got the social security/medicare mailer. they say signup 3 months before being eligible. 

Having trouble finding an estate sale company. Dad wants to sell everything we dont need to live on. They all seem to want to have a half off on the last day. I understand that when you're selling the house this is to clear it. But as we arent selling the house it isnt needed. My concern is that their clientele knows they always do this on the last day and will wait for it. They also balk when I tell them they cant start at 8 or 9 a.m. dad is still groggy from his sleeping pills as well as needing to get that extra sleep. No way he needs to be up and moving around. Still looking. I really have no way of knowing if these companies are trustworthy.

Dad.....has trouble reading so he gave up. Stopped his parkinsons meds and his tremors are worse, so he gave up building models. Most days he just sits in his chair in the dark and stares at the wall. I dont know if he is scheming or if he just has trouble forming thought. he refuses to see any of his doctors. Says his new 5k hearing aids dont work well but doesnt want to go to that doctor either. I know he is in some pain and he has issues. I know that since he knows more than anyone and has convinced himself his docs cant help  I guess he is stuck. 

In a way i get it but this is not my father. I dont know how long its been this way and his health and mom passing accellerated it. But this is not my father.  Or maybe I just never saw it before. Honestly, I dont know how people deal with this. he does not listen and he gets insulted if he thinks im telling him what to do. last night I showed him how to find movies on hulu and Youtube app. Only because he would just go movie by movie and complain they dont have anything. So he just kinda laughs at me. Im just kinda mystified lol. 

Oh well...started studying Networking and this is going to be tougher but am going to change the way i study it. It's understandable so far but its deep and so much info. I hope you're avoiding the heat. We are getting heat warnings in Texas. 

[kayc]

Have you talked with adult and family services?  I'm concerned that he's not seeing a doctor, you might want to check into the liability for you if you don't ensure he gets to one.  I would hate for you to be charged with elder abuse but I don't know how to force him w/o going through the courts.  It could be they could send someone over as an "advocate" or "caseworker", they did that for my mom, she couldn't really get through to my mom as she was nuts but at least she was witness to how she was and our situation.

Is there some reason your dad needs his stuff gone before he goes?  You're right, most people do wait until they no longer need their stuff.

We used to have a couple of ladies in town that would clear out people's homes, I don't think they took half, more like 10% which was cheap, they'd hold sales, donate what wouldn't sell, they did a great job and everyone knew them, wish they still did it!

[Tachi]

havent talked to anyone. Doesnt matter if a judge told him to see a doctor, they would have to carry him bodily if he doesnt want to go and honestly I wouldnt talk to anyone unless I was ready to leave this family because thats what it would mean to my dad. I am mainly concerned with him sitting and vegetating. Altho today he turned on the tv and started watching. thats something. When I talk to him, when he has human input he seems fine. So maybe if left alone he just doesnt care to do anything.

Funny, ive never considered myself as his caretaker. Tho he does needs a little help here and there. In any case he refuses to listen to me and he has suffered for it. If i should ever talk to anyone about him let alone take charge of his affairs, unless thats at his behest then I would no longer have a place in this family. he seems deathly afraid of losing control. 

Dad's wish is for his estate to not go thru probate. Tbh i cant afford that in any way. he also wants to make it easier on me after he is gone and in my mind he will need that money the way he is going. 

Back operation

5k hearing aids

He got two notices from the hospital because apparently the insurance company needs some information before they pay his claim. Dad only yesterday talked to someone on the phone. Who is sending him a form to fill out. Im guessing the Ins co needs a lil info before they pay the claim. Today some lady from the hospital left a msg on my machine. Dad doesnt understand that its up to him to see that insurance pays the claim or he is stuck with a huge bill and will have to sell the house. Add to that the two notices he got were extremely unhelpful and the person who left a msg now doesnt answer the phone. Frustrated to the point of bursting.

in all of this im studying...I think lol.

Mom and dad had filled the house w/ antiques and mom collected antique glassware and dishware so they are all valuable. I know that he wont get full value for them but fair price would be nice. i hate all of this so much. i know nothing about estate sales and companies yet am expected to make it work perfectly. And I get handed or stumble upon messes like the insurance, can get NO reliable info and have no idea whats going on, and it could be easily avoided. dad just seems to think nothing can happen to him.

Know what I would like? To sit under a big shaded tree on the banks of a stream and watch the clouds. nice cold glass of lemonade. feel the breeze and listen to the birds chirping. When I was a kid we lived outside chicago. We rode our bikes to a field with a stream shaded by huge trees. it was always cool under those trees. cattails grew up the sides of the slopes......

 

 

[Tachi]

I always sound like a crazy man, well i do have anxiety and worry problems. 

But

I went out to water the plants on the patio and it looked like rain. theres a couple trees on one side of the house covered in pink flowers, and the wind gusted and drew them into the air so they danced down all over the yard. I went around the corner and looked up. past the flowered trees were dark storm clouds racing by. the contrast was beautiful, never seen anything like that before. my first thought was how to do that in 3d

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

Know what I would like? To sit under a big shaded tree on the banks of a stream and watch the clouds. nice cold glass of lemonade. feel the breeze and listen to the birds chirping. When I was a kid we lived outside chicago. We rode our bikes to a field with a stream shaded by huge trees. it was always cool under those trees. cattails grew up the sides of the slopes......

I wish you could take the hour or two to do just that.  I need to slow down and do that too.  Seems I get in too much of a hurry in life, maybe that's why I love my dog so much, he makes me slow down and enjoy life.  I'm reminded every day I'm with him that my time with him is fleeting...the bellyrubs and walks are what it's all about.

12 hours ago, Tachi said:

I went out to water the plants on the patio and it looked like rain. theres a couple trees on one side of the house covered in pink flowers, and the wind gusted and drew them into the air so they danced down all over the yard. I went around the corner and looked up. past the flowered trees were dark storm clouds racing by. the contrast was beautiful, never seen anything like that before. my first thought was how to do that in 3d

Spoken like a true artist...and this passage here shows you can write...you have a way of making the rest of us experience it with you.

[Tachi]

Pets esp dogs love us unconditionally, they remind us to take the time to love and to play. We really shouldnt ever grow up, not the way we do. Yes ma'am the artist is in there, if I can reclaim some skills and harness my focus im off to the races. I think i'm just holding my breath waiting for life to fall apart. thats not the right way to live. 

yes there an artist and a writer in there somewhere. i wish i could get my ideas to those who have skill. I think e all crowd our lives too much because we are convinced we need to do so much. Always make time for yourself. I realised that the urgent need I felt to create was false. Why? So, i'm just trying to create for myself. Doubt anyone will even notice and no one will when i leave. but while i'm here i want the joy of creation. 

[kayc]

I'm glad you're feeling that.  Right now I'm not feeling it, I feel despondent...my dog is dying, little by little.  It's the worst feeling in the world.  It's been 5 weeks since his diagnosis, hardly time to process this.  I was hoping for so much longer...

[Tachi]

Im sorry and I wish there was something I could do. Life filters down to some very basic things. I have no words of wisdom and no fixes. Its like the old saying, have the wisdom to understand what we cant change. If we cant change it then we have to change ourselves. We have to find a way to deal with the pain and agony. You are far stronger than you know. Your place in this is to be there and care for him and give him the love he needs. It is a terrible situation but I do believe that love is more powerful. make use of whatever time you have. Both of you are blessed to have had each other. There are different parts to Life and this is the tough one. I have had different understandings on life and continue to learn hard lessons. Everything is temporary, even tho we live in this bubble of the present moment and we think it will always be like this. We are never ready for the changes, esp the tough ones. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. 

  Take good care of yourself, take things as they come and just give love. make good use of the time you have.

[Tachi]

Its been a fun week here. I had a msg from a lady in the business office at the hospital looking for Insurance info on dads surgery. Seems dad ahs gotten two letters prompting him to provide accident info and he was just ignoring them, and oweing 81K. So I spent all afternoon Friday talking to hospital and then insurance and being told various wrong info until the lady at Ins figured it out. They need a letter detailing the accident, supposedly to see if there are any other insureres who are liable for his surgery. I offered to write it up because I dealt with it at my last job. And no way dad can do it. i started going over what he had told me happened and now the story has changed. But he still remembers the surgery as being on his neck while I know the truth is it was on his lower back. he refuses to listen so I am leaving out any reference to the operation or findings of the exam, they have access to that. If dad has to talk to them and mentions it was his neck then they may not pay his claim. he also remembers the accident the doctors visit and the ER exam as being just a couple days apart, when in reality it ocurred over the course of 2-3 weeks. My dad wont listen but what he swears is true is false. I will not and cannot lie just to make him happy. The only course I see is to avoid those subjects and hope the Ins company is fine with the info given. Whatever he remembers is gospel simply because that is what he believes. I ask the questions and I see him struggle because he doesnt remember but since he knows it all he has to come up with something and then its set in stone. Really odd thing is that he really thinks what he says is the truth. Someone talking to him would believe him. It really makes me wonder if people who are psychotic or are very dangerous suffer from something like this and convince themselves they are right and what they do is true.

[MartyT]

Given your father's age (90, I believe you've told us) and the behavior you've described, Scott, I suspect that rather than intentionally lying, your father may be exhibiting what is known as confabulation ~ which is not the same thing. "Confabulation is the creation of false memories in the absence of intentions of deception. Individuals who confabulate have no recognition that the information being relayed to others is fabricated. Confabulating individuals are not intentionally being deceptive and sincerely believe the information they are communicating to be genuine and accurate. Confabulation ranges from small distortions of actual memories to creation of bizarre and unusual memories, often with elaborate detail."

Are there any plans to have your father examined by a physician who is qualified to evaluate his mental state? 

In any event, you may find this article helpful: How to Respond to Confabulation in Dementia