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Medical Assistance In Dying


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Hi. I have cared for my husband for 12 years.  He was initially diagnosed with   Blephrospasum Dystonia and later developed Ataxia which made both of our lives a living hell.  In January he lost his ability to swallow his medication and foods.  He was in such pain we went for what would be our last of many trips to the ER.  When the doctor arrived and asked what she could do for him he said “I just want to die!”  Her response, “Ok, lets make that happen.”  She left the room as my husband, my daughter and I sat in stunned silence.  Thus began our journey into the realm of Medical Assistance In Dying. Larry was admitted, given Morphine and a Fentenal patch and we began a process I had never heard of.  After he was admitted and settled my daughter and I went to our respective homes and contemplated this new turn.  The next day I was at my husbands bedside when the nurse came in with papers requesting my signature giving them approval to end my husbands life.  I sat still stunned and just looked at them my husband asking me to sign them. In a flash the nurse returned for the documents.  Her comment,  It is what he wants.  I told her we needed to meet as a family to discuss this, and with pleading eyes look into my Larry’s eyes.  He agreed.  The next day my two daughters and my Larry and I discussed his wish to die.  I did not sleep that night.  

For 12 years we have given 150% to making the best of our lemons and now just like that we were going to quit?  Our youngest daughter did not want this to happen.  Larry decided to give her the time she needed.  He and Michelle had many long talks.  One morning the wakes me.  Larry  calling from his room “I know what to do.  I thought about it all night.  I will die on my birthday.”  I dressed in two minutes and off I went to the hospital.  He was sure this was the right thing.  In the end we supported his decision. April 11, 2018 Larry was scheduled to die. 

It was a long two months.  Larry passed all the criteria paperwork was filled in and the wait began.  I have to go back and see the video he sent to our foster daughter in Germany to remind myself why we thought this was the right thing to do.  I play it every day.  I printed pictures we took in the hospital so I have a constant reminder of why.  I ask myself this question so often but when I view this video I am remembering why.  He struggles to talk, he struggles to breathe.  This is why.  His body let him down.  The vessel in which he lived had deteriorated to the point it could no longer house his spirit and we had to let him go.  

He came home the day before and we spent his last full day together.  The next day after school and work we had a birthday party for him.  The grand kids knew nothing of what would happen after the party.  The MAID team arrived at 8:00.  The Winnipeg Jets were playing their first playoff game.  It went into overtime.  The team prepared him to receive the injection.  Suddenly the Jets score in overtime winning their first playoff game.  “Larry are you ready?”  Oh we forgot Paull’s urn.  He asks , “What if my hand opens when it’s over and Paul falls out?”  “ Don’t worry Dad, I am holding your, hand he will be safe” Michelle answers.  He turns to me and says, “You will remember to return the wheelchair .”  I promise I will.  The next thing I know I am being asked to move so they can check for a heartbeat .  He is gone.  My life is forever changed.

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Jillian, my dear, your story is heart-wrenching, and I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that MAID is legal in Canada, and that your beloved Larry got the death he wanted ~ but your words speak so eloquently of the before- and after-effects of such a choice on you and your family. I am so sorry. Your post reminds me of another poignant story I read just a few moments ago: My Father Always Wanted to Die with Dignity, But When The Time Came I Couldn't Let Him Go

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Jillian, how can we possibly agree with our mate that it is time to go?  Billy  reached for me, I swatted his hands down in anger for him giving up.  He was not supposed to give up.  We were going to have a miracle.  In our case, it was a miracle.  Billy only suffered five weeks.  At the end, I should have been holding him.  I can only hope his dying brain understood I could not let him go.  I had no choice.  It was in his and a higher power's hands and that higher power let me know I did not run the show.  Losing someone after 54 years together is a terrible shock.  Not holding him in his final minutes is my guilt to be in the back of my mind forever.  He loved to be just held.  My final emotion to him was anger.  My friend kept her husband at home after a stroke for seven years.  Billy's ego was so traumatized that I would have to do personal things for him that he could not do.  I cannot imagine my friend's husband for seven years.  My ego allowed Billy to change my colostomy bag they had placed in an odd place, on my back with a tube inserted in a cut down next to the actual opening.  Billy changed my bags.  Billy emptied bed pans for me years earlier in my cancer treatment.  It was lovingly done.  My care of him was so loving that I could have carried his over 6 foot frame in my arms.  He was my baby to take care of.  To him, it was against an ego that was so strong, I had to let him go.  My friends husband pulled out his feeding tube, etc.  He had taken all his ego could stand.

I have often wondered about the male ego against ours.  We have to let them go.  Rose Kennedy again:  It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. 

Our brains fight to protect our sanity.  Sometimes it works.

I'm sorry you have to join us, but you glean more from our grief feelings, the length of time, and sometimes our freedoms, if just for minutes.  My heart is with you.  You have been through a many years battle.  

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Thank you.  This end was not how we imagined our retirement.  Larry was exactly one year short of reaching retirement.  We did not have the opportunity to fulfill our first retirement dream, to see Canada’s east coast.  I am still three years away, but I will make that trip in his memory.  

Shortly Before making his decision he looked at me and said with such assured confidence, “I won’t make it to 65 Dear”. I knew it to be true at that very moment as well.

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Jillian,

How heartrending!  My heart breaks for you, for him, I am so sorry.  I tried to watch the video, I couldn't finish.  I don't know how you stand this except we don't get a choice, do we?  It's the hardest thing in the world.

I love your goal of seeing Canada's east coast in his memory.  I should do those kinds of things, I can't, not without my husband.  I love your bravery...I know you probably don't feel very brave.  We don't.  We feel like our guts have been kicked out of us.

It's been 13 years for me, I've adjusted as well as I could, it took a long time, I've learned a tremendous amount in my grief journey, my purpose is in helping others make their way through this, especially in the earlier time when it's so hard, so shocking, and I've tried to build a life I can live.  It's nothing like the life I had with George, but it's doable.  I've learned to look for joy and embrace them, no matter how small, I've learned the value of living in the present...it's all we have.

Keep coming here, it helps to know there are others that hear us and understand, we're all in this together.  Your feelings are all valid.

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Thank you. I do have some hard times ,  none of this is easy.  This summer I will go to our different haunts, Grand Forks,  Brandon, Gimli, Morden,  Birds Hill Park to say goodbye to the times we shared there, mourn the loss of the times we will never have there again.  I miss the man he was before he developed this.  I still ask why, but there is only one answer, why not?  He was a strong person and he showed us all how a man can die with dignity even if his body is ravaged.  

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Wow, you have a beautiful spirit.  I know someone who was driving and had an accident, it killed his wife and two babies.  Every April is still hard for him.  He said for a long time he wondered, "WHY???"  and then it came to him, "Why not"  Why not him going through this, why the next person, it happens to who it happens to.  I think what I took away from it is that it doesn't do much good to question it, I know when I lost my husband (and it's natural to ask why in the beginning), there were no forthcoming answers.  There was only for me to deal with it.

That your husband died with dignity and endured through the ravaging, it says a lot about him.  A man of courage, and yes, dignity.

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Thank you.  Larry was a wonderful husband and father  The question “Why  not?” has been on my mind as well.  I feel I have a task ro accomplish but I do not know yet what it is.  Larry had accomplished his task and it was time to let him go.  My mind and spirit are still locked in grief and the answer to “What is my task?” has not made itself clear.  I feel lonely but I also feel I must retreat for a time.  For now my heart is broken and all I can do is give it time to heal.

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56 minutes ago, Jillian said:

 I feel lonely but I also feel I must retreat for a time.

I do not know how others feel about this, but I agree 100% with you.  I had to retreat, I had to run away for a time just to protect myself and I begrudged anyone who crossed my borders.  Some won't understand, some will, you have to protect yourself right now.

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Hello @Jillian

Firstly, I want to say I'm sorry for your loss.  I hope you will find support and encouragement here.  Sometimes our feelings and behaviours seem off the wall and it's great to come here and find out that how we are feeling and/or acting is normal for a person who is grieving.

I have some understanding of how the system works as two of the widows in my walking group were very forthcoming with information about the death of each of their respective husband's.  I did not know these ladies prior to the walking group but I felt very close to both of them because like them I also was not prepared for my husband to die. My husband did not appear ill because his illness was depression that was not recognised by me or his family.  He was very good at hiding how ill he was.  

I'm glad that you have family that understands and hopefully they are not only supportive but they are able to help lift your heart.  Come here often.  Someone is usually here any time of day or night.  Look after yourself 💓 hugs to you.

 

 

 

 

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Thank you.  Larry was a wonderful person, and at one time loved me more than anything.  We had a remarkable relationship which people commented on a lot.  On one of our cruises we had a young man who was our waiter for the entire cruise.  One the last evening he asked if he wanted to make a comment we said sure.  He went on “I don’t really know what marriage is all about”, he said,” But whatever it is, you two have found it!”  We blushed and thanked him.  We were married for about a month when we moved into our first house.  We met the neighbors and Dale said to us, there is something about the two of you that makes.      2 + 2 = 5.   This was a theme throughout our marriage, we seemed to stick out of a croud because of how we were as a team.  Larry was given a way to leave this world not only as a man but as a spouse who cared enough about me to set me  free from the gruelling life mine had become because of his.  He gave me the freedom to live a life filled with the freedom to grow as a person in a way I could not do if I was confined to being his caregiver.  I am taking piano lessons, voice lessons and planning a trip to Germany visit our foster daughter.  Our last trip was to Alaska and it was, for me, an exhausting and gruelling experience.  He loved me so much he let me go when he could see that my life was being altered negatively by his.  

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People used to stare at us and comment to us too about our love.  There's marriages and then there's MARRIAGES!  :)

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Yes Jillian and you always will.

22 hours ago, Jillian said:

 He loved me so much he let me go when he could see that my life was being altered negatively by his.  

How powerful that statement is. 

Kind of puts it in perspective does it not?

 

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