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What is the point of going through all this pain. What's the point of being left behind to watch my daughter who was best friends with her mother cry and be crushed again everyday under the weight of missing her mother. I so wish it was me because then her mother could help her though her pain. I was suppose to go first. I suffer with depression. She loved life. I didn't want this life anymore she did. So she gets taken and i get left behind. It's like some kind of cruel joke. There is no just reason to leave someone like me and take someone like her.

Today is a bad day in a string of bad days. Not eating or sleeping makes it worse. I just don't see the point. 

It's 8pm and i am sitting with the plate of food my daughter put next to me. It would be the first thing i ate today but the thought of eating makes me feel worse. Food seems like a pointless waste of time. 

When does the peace of mind come?When does this start to hurt less?  Nothing makes me feel better. It's like she just died last night.  I don't even remember her laugh anymore. 

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Sorry it's so hard @Rahn.  I understand much of what you have said.  I don't have any answers for you, wish I did.

From my experience the lack of interest in much of life including eating was hard but it didn't last forever.  Longer than I expected for sure but I tend to be impatient and hard on myself.  I don't usually admit that.

I feel like if you just manage life in the moment and let tomorrow worry about itself, easily said, it gets easier to deal with.

I hope you are taking it easy on yourself.  Hang in there friend.

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It hasn’t been even 2 months for you yet.  Shock is a very real reaction.  Pounded with questions.  Seeing your daughters pain, different than yours but pain too.  I wish there were some map we could give you, or timeline, but there isn’t.  I’m sorry you are here.  I won’t do the misery loves company crap because as much as I care for everyone here, I wish I never had to meet them in this way.  I’ll say something you’re gonna hate hearing soon........everything you are feeling is normal.  Your not crazy or different from others stepping into this forever changed life.  Some wish they went first, others are grateful their spouse was spared this.  You can say anything here tho.  I found it helped me and still does years later.  Sometimes just knowing someone 'heard' this helps.  Only you know if it helps.  Know we aren’t going anywhere.  Place is open 24/7/365.  

What’s the point?  If only there was an answer.  I haven’t found it.  I know others will share thier thoughts on this.  Hope someone helps your heart where it is now.  💔

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I’m so sorry for your pain.  I wish I could answer your “what’s the point” question.  I have the same question.  The only answer I have is I’ve got to go on for my children.  

I wish you peace and comfort.  Come here often as we all get it.  

Katie

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14 hours ago, Rahn said:

It's like some kind of cruel joke. There is no just reason to leave someone like me and take someone like her.

Yes, it can seem like a cruel joke.  Sometimes we fail to see what point there is to us being here, but I can assure you that your daughter is glad you are here.  We compare ourselves to others and we come out on the short end of the stick it seems, but I don't think that is accurate, that is only our perception.  We all have value.  We all have good points.  

 

14 hours ago, Rahn said:

When does this start to hurt less?

More time than you care to know.  But it comes.  It's different for everyone, it's affected by our own personalities, our own grief work and effort, our attitudes, etc.  Hell, probably even our placement in the family!  But it comes.  As I said in another thread, I think "getting better" is a relative term, it depends on our own expectation, our own idea of what that means.  But when I compare any day now with the week George died, I'd have to say it seems better now than it did then...then I was blindsided, shocked, my mind whirling, anxiety at an all time high, fear at it's greatest, every bad sensation heightened, I could only sleep an hour or two, I didn't see how I could do life without him.  Somehow today, I am.  Yes I still miss him, but my confidence has grown, even though I don't possess all of his attributes and abilities, I get by, what I can't do, I hire done.  What I miss the most is his holding me and talking over our day...that I can't hire done.

I've learned to building meaning into my life, incentive, reason to go on.  For me that meant adopting my dog.  Somewhere along the way I got the cat too.  I go on for them, they are my reason for keeping going.  And when they're gone, I'll probably get another one.  I have to have that.  Because of my dog I walk twice a day, every day.  Would I do it just for me?  I think I know me well enough to say, probably not.  I wish I valued myself enough to do it just for me.  I eat healthy for me.  But I can come up with excuses not to walk.  My dog would not understand or accept any of them, so I walk him.  But it's more than just taking care of ourselves.  It's having reason to make effort.  When I died on the operating table and they restarted my heart, I kept stopping breathing for two hours afterwards.  I remember feeling it'd be so easy just to succumb, it felt alluring...but then I remembered my furry kids at home.  I thought of how scared they'd be if I didn't come home to feed them, how anxious my dog would be, how unadoptable they were (my dog is special needs and the cat is 23), and I pushed through for them...I made great effort to breathe as the medical personnel was yelling at me to, over and over and over again, until the anesthesia wore through.  We all need something to push through for.  If we don't have something, it's important for us to build something into our lives, make it matter.  

I think about what Gwen has been through this week, it's been very disappointing that the place she volunteered at for 24 years hasn't made contact yet, yet her thoughts have been to her little furry family members, she wants to be home with them.  My sister no longer has a dog, and she no longer can have one because she falls too easily, it'd be a hazard, but she wants to come home, she wants her home surroundings, her books, her friends.  We all have to have reason to want to be here.  I'm praying Peggy finds within her that will to live, and I think I see God answering my prayers for her.

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Thank you everyone for your words. I really am trying to live through the pain. When i am not feeling the pain i feel guilty about not feeling it. I look at a picture or i think about her and i am there all over again. I just want to wake up from this nightmare but i can't let myself.

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It's important to give ourselves permission to smile again.  It is not the grief that binds us to them, but the love, and that continues still.

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On 8/15/2018 at 7:13 PM, Rahn said:

 It's like some kind of cruel joke. There is no just reason to leave someone like me and take someone like her.

Rahn, I get that one all too well, and I asked the same question daily.  Still do at times.  Mark didn't hurt a soul and hardly complained about his lot in life  despite the dialysis 3x per week and chronic knee, back and neck pain (7 or 8 on the pain scale, 10 being worst)--every single day.  He was a far better person than I am.  I see and hear and read about all kinds of awful people out there doing awful things to themselves and other people, kids, animals, and so on, and I think "They're still on this planet and he's not?!  WHY?"  🤬

It was during this past year that I realized this: the two sayings Only the good die young and No rest for the wicked are two ways of expressing a profound truth about life on Earth.

On 8/15/2018 at 7:13 PM, Rahn said:

When does this start to hurt less?

For me, little by little, but it's been 17 months since.  Sounds like 45 days for you.  You're surely in shock and disbelief, still.  It hurts, it sucks, it's painful and all you want is for it to stop.  I hear you. 

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On 8/15/2018 at 8:13 PM, Rahn said:

What is the point of going through all this pain. What's the point of being left behind to watch my daughter who was best friends with her mother cry and be crushed again everyday under the weight of missing her mother. I so wish it was me because then her mother could help her though her pain. I was suppose to go first. I suffer with depression. She loved life. I didn't want this life anymore she did. So she gets taken and i get left behind. It's like some kind of cruel joke. There is no just reason to leave someone like me and take someone like her.

Today is a bad day in a string of bad days. Not eating or sleeping makes it worse. I just don't see the point. 

It's 8pm and i am sitting with the plate of food my daughter put next to me. It would be the first thing i ate today but the thought of eating makes me feel worse. Food seems like a pointless waste of time. 

When does the peace of mind come?When does this start to hurt less?  Nothing makes me feel better. It's like she just died last night.  I don't even remember her laugh anymore. 

I empathize and truly comprehend your pain.  Your raw honest expression reminds me of the Shock and Awe when my beloved wife passed away 3&1/2 years ago.  It took me a long time to comprehend and come to terms with this tremendous grief.  I couldn't sleep, had trouble breathing, and just like you searched everything to try to make sense of this tragic loss of life.  After two weeks, I thankfully found this place where people understand, listen, and genuine help in sharing, caring, and tools to deal with this deep grief.

I simply came here and found a listening ear and compassionate people who care and genuinely understand because they are in various stages of grief. Initially, I couldn't see beyond the pain and loss. I posted those painful, soulful time in my feed "SHOCK and AWE" .  You are welcome to read it.  I was looking for someone to share their journey and how they dealt with it.  There are many other stories about other people here as well.

Someone shared with me that eventually the intense pain will lessen by working through the grief and learn tools to help us.  I couldn't imagine living one day without my beloved wife, yet here I am.  It takes  time, but now I can remember much more of the joy, love, and peace we shared in 25 years of marriage to my soulmate.  Her memory and love continues with me and i know she wants me to live and be the best me I can be that also exhibits her charisma, love, and Grace.  I still have grief, I still miss her, and life is different. 

I don't have any answers to any "WHY" questions either.  I just live this life "One day at a time" and as another friend here says... "One step in front of the other".  - George  Shalom

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