Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I feel like an apology to my "family" here is in order

Recommended Posts

Geez ya'll, where do I start? To those of you that watch NCIS on TV, you know what Jethro Gibbs says about apologizing. According to him it's a sign of weakness. I have never agreed with that. If/when I owe someone an apology I don't mind opening my mouth and telling them I am sorry. So to everyone here, I do sincerely apologize for being a world class JERK. 

I honestly don't know how to explain myself.  With anything I say here, I am not saying any of it wanting anybody's sympathy or pity. None of us would be here if we hadn't suffered a terrible loss in our lives. In my case, my wife Cookie and I were married for just a hair longer than 41 years. Before she came into my life I had never really experienced true happiness. My high school sweetheart sent me a Dear John letter while I was in southeast Asia during the Vietnam War.  She really broke my heart, and I returned home after being discharged from the Air Force with absolutely no interest in asking another girl out on a date. That was in April, 1973. And I stayed that way until October, 1974. Then  a young, gorgeous redhead interviewed me for a job in Oklahoma City. For me, it was love at first sight. She owned me before we had even said hello to each other. In January, 1975 I asked her to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me. We set the date for March 7, 1975. Everyone in both of our families predicted that our marriage wouldn't even last 2 years. Man, were they all ever wrong. Just like everyone else here, we had that perfect marriage. We were each other's soul mate. She completed me in every way that mattered. 

Then here body started falling apart on her. I eventually retired to be her full time caregiver (on January 1, 2011). We moved from Okla. City to the Houston, Texas area to get her into a better winter climate. And slowly and gradually I watched her health deteriorate. By 2015 we both pretty well knew that by then she was on borrowed time, but at least we were together every day. Then the day came when she went into the hospital with pneumonia. That was on Dec. 13, 2015. Then on the 15th she was moved to the hospital's critical care unit and immediately put on a ventilator. The hospital's policy was to sedate anyone that was put on a ventilator to keep them from trying to pull the tubes out. She never came off of it, except for a couple of hours on Dec. 20th. We talked some then, but after she was put back on the machine we never talked again. Then on Dec. 27th she developed a bad case of c diff. After that she slid down hill very fast. Her poor,  frail body just didn't have the strength to fight it. And on the morning of Jan. 1, 2016 I had to make that awful decision to turn the ventilator off and let here go. Man alive but was that a hard thing to do. But it was the only right thing to do---for her. For a few months after that I had terrible problems with guilt. On top of the daily grieving, I wrestled with the notion that I had intentionally and voluntarily ended the life of another human being. I'm not bothered by that any more,thank goodness. Since she was in bad health when we moved to the Houston area, we never made any friends there. And Cookie and I both had already outlived our families. So, when she passed I had no one to turn to for any kind of support. 

I'm not smart enough to know what comes over me every once in a while, but something does and the ugly side of me appears. Sometimes I think I do a pretty good job of coping with the loneliness and sadness. But every now and then the ugly "me" sneaks up on me. And when that happens I usually don't even see that it has until I have already made a total ass out of myself.

Folks, I have explained all this just for background purposes. And to ask for your forgiveness.I said some ugly and mean things in my last post. I'm not proud of any of it, and the real me honestly didn't mean any of it. I am truly sorry.

One foot in front of the other...



  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Darrel:  There is no need to apologize.  Since my husband's passing, I have managed to say some things, and have made decisions that have confused and made people wonder, "Now, why would she do that" ?   During this time of having to re-do our life, we are allowed to be just who we are and how we feel at the time.  Was happy to get to read once again:  " One foot in front of the other....."   Take care.  Dee

  • Like 3
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marita said it for all of us, perfectly.  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...