March is here

[mittam99]

51 minutes ago, Kieron said:

That's me, as well.  Many mornings, I feel as though I have little or nothing to look forward to until it's time to go to bed and start the cycle all over again.

Kieron, I know exactly what you mean.

I often find myself playing mind games in an effort to find things to look forward to. For example, on a Tuesday night, getting ready for bed, I might think about the weather being better on Wednesday. Or maybe that's the day my favorite show comes on. I'm trying to find anything that gives me some sense of optimism in my lonely and heartbroken world.

I guess that might sound a bit pathetic, but, it is what it is, right?

[TomPB]

Amazing thing just happened. We were very close to an Israeli couple in LA in the 70s. I haven't heard from my friend Aharon for 20 yrs or so and today I had a call from Israel which I missed and an email. I assumed he had heard about Susan and was reaching out for the 2 yr. I opened the email and sure enough it was about the loss of a spouse...and it took me a few secs to realize he was reaching out, but  because his wife had just died and he needed to talk. I called back and we talked for over an hour. It was sudden with no known life-threatening condition, as with Susan, and he sounded as traumatized as I was. The coincidence gave me goose bumps. So my friend has joined our sad club. I hope we can help each other.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

That's me, as well.  Many mornings, I feel as though I have little or nothing to look forward to until it's time to go to bed and start the cycle all over again.

That’s become my every morning now that I am so physically limited.  Like Mitch said about a fav TV show, things I did to get me out if ME are becoming hard like my volunteering, shopping, just plain getting out because walking is so hard.  But it’s more than that.  Since the 4 year mark something changed.  It’s SO frigging real now.  A lot is really knowing now that I will never touch, be touched, joke with, get frustrated with or have his help or support in any way.  I live in a house that most everything was mutual decision to buy.  I have half a bed never used.  I know I will never be in another love relationship. Fall in love again?  If I could laugh, I would.  I’m 63 and so much of what created the love we had is not possible.  I’m in a 'tween time.  Still time enough left here, but how love was created between us is essential and this body (yup, I need that lust phase and acting on it) is not possible.  It’s all part of the whole to me.  Otherwise it’s companionship.  I’d rather have a best girlfriend to talk to. 

I went to bed sobbing for the first time in a long time as I let my defenses down and let the pain engulf me.  Maybe I need to do that more.  I feel it all the time, especially going to bed knowing, as you said, it will be waiting for me in a few hours. 

I find talking about him triggers it too.  I have to be careful about that because it spills out easily but later when I am alone I am left with the thoughts in depth.  Best kept here or at my counselors.  It’s not a safe subject as people always say they understand, but they don’t.  

 

 

[MartyT]

How fortunate that you are able and willing to be here for your friend Aharon in his grief, dear Tom. No one is better prepared than you are to offer your friend the comfort, support and understanding he needs and deserves. I've no doubt that this will benefit both of you. And if you think he may be interested, be sure to invite him to join our tribe, where he will be welcomed with open arms and caring hearts. ♥️

[mittam99]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Since the 4 year mark something changed.  It’s SO frigging real now.  A lot is really knowing now that I will never touch, be touched, joke with, get frustrated with or have his help or support in any way.  I live in a house that most everything was mutual decision to buy.  I have half a bed never used.  I know I will never be in another love relationship. Fall in love again?  If I could laugh, I would.  I’m 63 and so much of what created the love we had is not possible.  I’m in a 'tween time.  Still time enough left here, but how love was created between us is essential and this body (yup, I need that lust phase and acting on it) is not possible.  It’s all part of the whole to me. 

 

Gwen, I'm in the same boat. Tammy was my one and only in so many ways. Our relationship, our love and our connection to each other was amazing. She was all I ever wanted. Someone who loved me no matter what. Who believed in me. Who made me feel special. I cherished her love and our time together. She truly was my world. And I loved being in love with her.

Without her, the devastation is real. It doesn't go away in time. You never really get used to it. Coping is about as good as it gets.

Four years later, I'm still sad, still lonely and still longing for what I had. But, there's no way that's happening, unfortunately. I'm not willing, ready or interested in starting a new relationship. Mind you, I've had offers and that's flattering. Friends and co-workers tell me I'm still quite the catch and charming. And that being alone and not in a relationship is not good. I get that, I really do.

It's just that the life I had with Tammy (from the intensity of our love, to the intensity of those life and death struggles with her health), is etched on my soul. Yes, it feels like life is passing me by to some extent. I look around and it feels like I'm getting older and everyone else is getting younger (am I the only one?) The aches and pains and increasing gray hair are real.

Frankly, just getting through the day in a somewhat positive way is my current life goal. I guess I set the bar kind of low. 😉

And so it goes.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I went to bed sobbing for the first time in a long time as I let my defenses down and let the pain engulf me.  Maybe I need to do that more.

Sometimes those tears are a release.  I rarely cry anymore, but once in a while it comes and when it does, it's a flood.  I feel spent afterwords.

[Mike's Girl]

Good Morning my friends!  I just wanted to follow up with you all and let you know that all is good!  The extra views and ultrasound showed benign cysts and nothing to worry about.  PRAISE GOD!  Thank you for your prayers and support! 

I'm not proud of it and It's scary how my mind instantly turns dark now when I hear of bad health news about myself or somebody I know.  I used to be the positive person who would encourage hope and health, but since Michael passed, I can't help but turn dark and depressed.  Like it's all inevitable.  I hate being this way, so I'm actively working on my attitude and making the effort to be positive.   

[TomPB]

The 2 yr went as well as could be hoped. My friend and I went to the river and threw shells from Susan's collection in the water and talked about her. Then we sat on our favorite bench where we'd do crosswords and Susan would critique the sailing skills of the dingy sailors and talked some more, then went home and cooked a nice dinner. She has also lost a partner and we talked about him too.

Signs and portents! For 1 yr Susan's amaryllis bloomed. This year we were talking about how the mourning doves were singing on Beacon Hill and Susan liked them and would imitate their calI. I told Carol that one year a pair had nested in one of our window boxes and showed her where to look...and a momma bird was there! I hadn't seen her before so she might have arrived on 3/31! Wow. 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Mike's Girl said:

The extra views and ultrasound showed benign cysts and nothing to worry about.  PRAISE GOD!

I'm so glad to hear it!  Thank you for relaying this much welcome news with us!

21 minutes ago, TomPB said:

The 2 yr went as well as could be hoped.

I'm glad for you, Tom...I'm also glad you were not alone for the day and even got some signs, how special!

[TomPB]

Christina Rasmussen said "Love is the thread between the seen and the unseen." I believe it. Here's Susan's spirit bird.

[TomPB]

Update on my Israeli friend Aharon who was hit with traumatic loss of his Tamy. Tamy had a trip planned (since, like Susan, she wasn't sick) to visit friends in Baltimore. Now Aharon is going instead. The flight just happens to connect in Boston! There were no plans to visit me originally, just a coincidence. So we will meet at the airport 1 week from tomorrow. The level of recent  "coincidences" is making me dizzy.

[shebert56]

Tom, there are no "coincidences."  Methinks Susan and Tamy are at work here.  ❤️

[kayc]

Tom, how wonderful that you will get to see your longtime friend!  Keep us updated, and I, like Shirley, can't help but believe Susan had a hand in it as well as Tamy. 

 

[TomPB]

On 4/9/2019 at 9:53 AM, kayc said:

Tom, how wonderful that you will get to see your longtime friend!  Keep us updated, and I, like Shirley, can't help but believe Susan had a hand in it as well as Tamy. 

 

I did put "coincidences" in quotes

Baby birds may be here, can barely see something tiny moving under mama.

Let go another link today. We took Sunday delivery of the paper for the crossword that we did together. Otherwise I just read online. So I've been getting this Sun paper and not reading it but didn't want to cancel. Today I did and went all digital. More sadness. 

[Gwenivere]

It’s hard to do, Tom.  I moved all our PO Box mail to the house.  I still trek there every day and it’s empty except very occasional junk mail.  I kinda needed it for 2018 taxes, but not at all now.  It’s another  decision of change I will face in a few months.  It’s crazy.  I tell my fur kids I’ll be right back, gotta to check the empty mailbox.  The number even seems significant because it was ours and I’ll have to surrender the keys.  Gonna be crying that night.

[kayc]

Gwen, I can relate as George's letter was the first piece of mail I got in my PO Box 20+ years ago.  That the number was his birthdate and year was added significance.  When I got out of work it didn't make sense to drive 16 mile round trip to it so I had to cancel it and move my mail to the house, but it felt sad, like the end of an era.