Living with Loss

[kayc]

The hemp oil seems to be helping.  The last few nights he hasn't woke up in the middle of the night and he seems more alert in the evenings, not sleeping as much daytime.  I took him to the park yesterday and he did well.  A friend gave me some CBD for him but I'll wait until the hemp oil doesn't seem to be doing it for him anymore before giving him that.

[kayc]

This morning was the first time I haven't been able to coax Arlie into eating.  He just isn't feeling like it, adding a bit of catfood or gravy didn't even entice him.   I am so worried...if/when he quits eating, it's all over.  I can try him later today but what do I do when I have to go out of town to the doctor or something?  I won't be here to try again.  I am just heartsick.

[kayc]

Well I waited 2 1/2 hours, and added some chopped up polish sausage I'd sauteed, he ate it with relish!  I added an egg with a little polish sausage to his dry food and he ate all that!  It's going to be a challenge to get him to eat his breakfast, but as long as I can get him to eat, he'll be good for a while more.  I may have to start feeding him later as he seems to not feel as well in the morning, perhaps nauseous...that'll be hard on the days I have to leave early, like tomorrow.

[kayc]

So I found out that the black spot on Arlie's tongue is indicative of the kidneys not doing their job eradicating toxins...if a dog is born with the black spots, it's pigment, a birthmark, but he wasn't it has been there a few months...the vet never said anything about it, so much for thorough exams.  

This is getting harder the further it goes along.

[MartyT]

[kayc]

My son has Croup, got it from his daughter, messed up his work trip and his vacation/camping trip with the guys at work, he still sounds barky, adults rarely get it but he started with an ear infection and figures that got his immune system down.  Anyway, he told me he wants to be here for me when "it's time" and said he has an auger to loosen the soil for easier digging, and can take Arlie to the back yard in the pickup if we use the neighbor's driveway and cut over (we have permission)...the pathway is haired over with ferns but he thinks we can do it.  I feel much better now that I know I'll have him with me and he is the other person who lived with Arlie for a time and knew him well and loves him.  Now to get a vet in Pleasant Hill to agree to do it even though he hasn't been their patient...I don't want corporate VCA to do it. 

[MartyT]

I know from my own experience how hard it is to make these kinds of plans, dear Kay, but I respect and admire your willingness to do so. ♥

[kayc]

I'm really going to need all your support in the next few weeks. 

It's going to be sometime within the next couple of weeks...he's having a Colitis outbreak now.  Between the cancer and Colitis dietary is in a catch-22.  What I use to entice him to eat is having its effect on his Colitis and what helps his Colitis feeds the cancer.  In other words damned if I do, damned if I don't  No matter when I do this I'm going to go through the "what ifs", I'll think, "I could have him here with me one more day" but at what price?  Him suffering?  He's laying around looking sad today.  My son can't do it next weekend, he's supposed to let me know when he can.  

I also asked about cremation options...Paul told me he read a study about that and you can't be sure you're getting YOUR animal's remains back because they cremate them in batches to keep the cost down, otherwise it'd cost the same as it costs for people, I'd always wondered about that.  So that means we'll bury him in the back yard.  I would like to do it in the front yard because that's where he spent so much time, but too many tree roots there to get a grave of that size.  He's a big boy.  But it's his resting place, not where he'll look out and see what's going on, so it's okay for that, I guess, and at least I can visit his grave any time and look out my patio door and see, and maybe I can plant something there...I'll order a gravestone for him too.  This is all so hard, I've been crying all day, I don't know how I'm going to do this but I only know I have to do what's best for HIM, not me.

[MartyT]

   ♥  

[Kacy]

Kay,

Just wanted to mention about the cremation.  The pet crematory we used does individual cremations.  Our dogs ranged from 12 lbs to 52 lbs and the fee was $125 to $175.  Maybe you could call and ask if that is something you're still thinking of doing.

Sending prayers and good thoughts for both you and Arlie.  It's so hard when you're trying to walk the line between two different issues.  We can only do the best we can and know that whatever we do, it's out of love for our dogs.

Mary

 

 

 

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

This is all so hard, I've been crying all day, I don't know how I'm going to do this but I only know I have to do what's best for HIM, not me.

kayc: crying with you.  hugs, Dee

[MartyT]

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Kacy said:

The pet crematory we used does individual cremations.

My whole reason for cremation was because he's 106 lbs and too large for me to carry or bury, but my son's bringing an auger and will likely do most of the digging while I add my pittance.  And the places that do that are not local, no way for me to know if they're reputable or not.  So I feel good about having him here with me.  I do not have a green thumb but I'll do something to honor his grave and show how much I love him. 

 

13 hours ago, Kacy said:

It's so hard when you're trying to walk the line between two different issues.  We can only do the best we can and know that whatever we do, it's out of love for our dogs.

So true!  That was something my son talked with me about, also my friends.  I love him more than anything in the world!

Marty, thank you for the poem, it's beautiful and reflects my philosophy.  My last dog, Lucky, was incontinent the last two years of her life.  When my son's dog Skye got crippled and incontinent, he asked what should he do?  I replied, "Clean up after him, same as you would an old person.  He would never do this if he could help it."  I reminded him about the time the dog catcher got him and held him in a cyclone fenced area on concrete for three days before Paul could get someone to let him get him out (it's way out in the country).  I reminded him how Skye thought he wasn't supposed to go on concrete, only grass/dirt, and he held it for the three days!  He was literally hurting by the time he got out.   

[Kacy]

I'm glad you have your son to help.  I'll be in a similar situation at some point with mine, and I'm grateful that I can count on my one son to be there with me since he's the only one that really knows my dogs, too. 

There is comfort in having a special spot for them nearby.  Even though most of mine were cremated, i made a little area in memory of them in the yard with engraved stones for each of my girls.  It's hard to plant flowers there because of tree roots, so I put a few baskets of flowers there every Spring.

Wishing you peace thru the coming days.

[kayc]

Thank you, Kacy.  I imagine your spot for them to be beautiful.
Arlie had an outbreak of Colitis, that night I prayed for him. 2 am he needed out and my heart sunk because I didn't know if I could get him over Colitis under the circumstances. I never got back to sleep, so I went out to the freezer and got a package of chicken breasts and cooked them up, made some white rice and pumpkin, ckn broth.  At 5 am I went out to look for his poop and guess what!  His stools look normal!  I can assure you, of all the years of doing this, that doesn't happen!  
We set a date, I am going to call the vet when they open, for 8/13.  It's hitting me hard.  I don't want to be away from him this week.  I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  How do I put up a Christmas tree when Arlie isn't there to look at the lights?  How do I throw away an empty catfood can when Arlie isn't there to grab it and lick it out?  How do I go on walks without him?  When I first got him I had a hard time getting used to walking with him because he wanted to sniff and pee on everything and I couldn't get up to my brisk walks.  Now I can't imagine how it'll be without him, I talk to him all the time.  I just don't know how I'm going to do this.
When my son called last night with available dates to him, I had the hardest time writing Arlie's death day on my calendar.

[MartyT]

I don't know how you're going to get through this either, dear Kay, but I know that you will find a way. And I know that we will be with you, every step of the way. You are not alone in this. Our hearts and prayers are with you ♥

[kayc]

Thank you , Marty, this place means more to me than I could ever begin to express.  
I had to change the date to 8/16 due to their scheduling.

[kayc]

This morning Arlie didn't want to finish his walk.  He stumbled.  He looked like he was having a hard time thinking.  He was panting.  I took him home.  Eleven more days...it's weird how there's ups and you question your decision and downs and you wonder if he can make it that long.  It's a weird journey, for sure.

[MartyT]

There simply isn't any time that's "right" Kay. That's what makes it so difficult to endure . . . 

[MartyT]

I thought of you, dear Kay, when I read this: The Invisible Emotional Burden of Caring for A Sick Pet  ♥

[kayc]

Good article...I can relate as I've been caregiver to my MIL and am with my dog and I've noted similarities. I don't feel depressed over caring for him, but that comes into play at the thought of losing him.  It's always hard to lose someone you love.

I would change one word in the article, however...from referring to the dog as a "thing" and instead replace that with a "being".  They aren't possessions or things, they're living breathing beings with thoughts, feelings, emotions.  They have pain, joy, love, and so much more!  I too would choose taking care of my dog over the selfish uncaring whims of a BF, that in my estimation, was not right for her.  I could never be with someone who wasn't a dog lover...that gulf would be between us.  There's plenty of people who aren't into dogs that he can go be with.  It's more than being a "dog-person", it's the selfish lack of empathy that hit me with him.  She's better off.

A dog is God's precious gift to us, if only we see it!

"She felt a lot of guilt last year when she had to balance caring for her cat against her other animals, and also encountered a lot of people who question her choices."

People shouldn't judge our decisions, we're doing the best we can and I think someone in this situation carefully weighs the options before making a decision.  It's not willy-nilly.  Esp. no one should judge who hasn't been in their shoes...and even if in similar shoes, no two situations are exactly the same.  One has more $, one has more time, one has others they're carrying for while another can devote themselves to the one.

"The most common issues she hears are 'constant vigilance, isolation, and guilt,' she says, and the never-ending problem solving also take a toll: 'They’re trying to decide all the time whether the pet is getting worse or getting better, and they often don’t have anyone to talk to about it,' she explains."

That is for sure!  I am lucky I have good support here and with my sister Peggy, my church, and others.  At least I can talk out what I'm experiencing, which in a woman's brain helps us process it. 

[kayc]

Last night I called to check on my son's Croup, he sounds much better, only "barking" 2-3 times a day now.

He invited me to come to his house after we bury Arlie, it might be just what I need, a dose of my grandkids.  His wife will be gone the following day so I'll stay to Sat. night or Sun. am.
Processing more every day...getting more accustomed to the ups and downs.

[Kieron]

On 8/6/2019 at 9:31 AM, kayc said:

A dog is God's precious gift to us, if only we see it!

 

There's another version of this somewhere but I can't locate it at the moment.  When I do find it, I'll upload it.

[kayc]

Can't get Arlie to eat his breakfast this morning, I even made a new batch, mixed egg in with it, so he finally ate the homemade part but not the dogfood.  I even crumpled Doritos in it as I've been doing to coax him the last few days.  Caught the cat eating it.

Also he only had one stool yesterday, usually it's 2-3.  This morning he didn't go.  Really worried about him.

[Kacy]

Have you tried something cold - like yogurt?  I remember even trying a plate instead of my dog's regular dish.  For some reason, sometimes something new entices them to eat.

Keeping you both in my prayers.