I want to go with him

[Lynda1]

I cannot believe how much I am suffering , Married in 2012 and died on September 7th 2019

[Gin]

So very sorry, Lynda.  Beautiful picture.  We are all hurting here.  We understand your pain.   Gin

[Lynda1]

What keeps you going?

[kayc]

Beautiful picture.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I, too, didn't get nearly long enough with my husband...we met in our mid-40s, knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months.  He died 14+ years ago.  I didn't see how I could make it a week without him, but I've had no choice...one day at a time is how I've done it.  I try to stay in today, live in the present.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kieron]

I, too, am sorry that you have found yourself n this club that no one wants to join.  For you, it's been barely a month, so the grief is raw, fresh, and sharp-edged.  It hurts like nothing else does. I remember how it felt as though I was a well-rooted plant that had been yanked from the soil and tossed aside, to wilt and wither, exposed to drying winds and harsh sunlight.  It's like no other feeling in the world.

Kay's tips are good ones.  I have found that the only way through grief is literally through it.  There will be what they call a "grief tsunami".  Let it wash over you when it comes.  It will find you no matter what you do, so let it have its way.  And whatever gets you through the day, through the hours, the minutes, is yours to decide, I think.  Mine was to write.  I wrote incredible amounts of poetry, some of it bad, much of it pretty good (in my opinion 😎).  I also journaled a lot, and worked in the yard, or on something creative like cooking because Mark was a fantastic chef and I think I was trying to emulate him (never coming close though... his soups and stews and sauces were phenomenal).

Wishing you some measure of peace.

 

[Gwenivere]

While this is a safe, warm place and people will understand everything you feel, I am so sorry you are here.  The first few months to year are so very hard.  I know I felt, and stil do, that half of me died too.  That feeling has never left me.  I know it never will.  I’ve been on this journey for a long time and you will find yours unfold in a unique way. We are all here to help, listen or whatever you need.  I don’t know what I would have done with the family I found here that truly understands unlike others that can only try and imagine the unimaginable.  Even when I knew it was coming, I had no idea how different the reality is.  We are here.  You can even scream your head off and we get it.

[widow'15]

Lynda 1:  There are no words to say how sorry I feel that you have just lost your Love.  We would have been married  51 years  and that was not enough.  The only way I found to get past the stabbing pain of the hole in the center of my body was just to do one thing - take one step - one day at a time.  Even now, I have to remind myself to do this process to get the day going.   You have taken the first step by coming to this forum.  We all here feel your pain.  So very sorry.  Dee

[Dawn G]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are among people who know what it feels like to lose the love of your life.

The first years are the hardest.  Hopefully,  you are seeing that each year gets a little easier, though you'll never be the same again.
My husband died over ten years ago and it is just in the past few years that I am finding my new place in the world and seeing new and wonderful things that God has for me to do without my husband.

What do you do to find joy every day? 

[Lynda1]

Quote What do you do to find joy every day? 

 

There is no joy and nothing feels good. Sleeping is impossible, food doesn't taste good. I give up on looking even remotely decent.

I have no dreams, no goals and nothing to look forward to at all

 

Not the way I saw my life 7 years ago

 

[kayc]

It takes time, much time, to adjust to this.  In the beginning it seems inconceivable.  I do enjoy some things but of course nothing is the same as it was when he was here.  Lynda, you are still feeling this freshly, keep remembering to take a deep breath and do one day at a time.  

No, it's not the way any of us saw or planned our lives...

[iPraiseHim]

On 10/4/2019 at 10:36 PM, Lynda1 said:

I cannot believe how much I am suffering , Married in 2012 and died on September 7th 2019

Welcome to this safe haven of those of us who are left behind to continue this life after the unspeakable.   In my opinion, nobody truly understands the depth,pain, and chasm when your beloved dies and we are left to somehow live.  For me the SHOCK and Awe of it all just completed devastated my world and shook my foundation to the core.  There is no training manual or book of rules about this.  After a couple of weeks I found this wonderful place that listens, understands, shares, and cares for each other.  I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and at times really had difficulty breathing.  People here listened and gave me simply instructions on how to get through this moment, this hour, this day.  I listened and followed some suggestions and found a place where these people truly understand and empathize.  Many of us here have been awhile on this journey after... always learning, growing, and sharing with people who come visit as each of us did.  Please come and visit as often as you like. Ask questions, share, lets us know how we can help you on this grief journey. - Shalom (Peace)

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Lynda1 said:

Quote What do you do to find joy every day? 

There is no joy and nothing feels good. Sleeping is impossible, food doesn't taste good. I give up on looking even remotely decent.

I have no dreams, no goals and nothing to look forward to at all

Not the way I saw my life 7 years ago

Lynda1:  To be totally honest, there are some days still after over 4 years without my husband that I can barely find anything to be joyful about.  I have an adult daughter and a son with two grandchildren so find joy when I get to spend time with them which isn't very often.  I hope you have family and supportive friends close by.

On those days that I find myself in the "dumps"  I  try to convince myself that this deep sadness will hopefully be gone the next day.  It takes a good night's sleep and lots of self talk to convince myself I will get through the day.  Being unable to sleep can make the lonely nights unbearable.  I finally asked my doctor for a mild sleep aide and take one if I can't sleep. 

Your loss after so few years of marriage is especially tragic and I can only remind you again, you are not alone here.   Take care of yourself and try to live one day at a time.  Dee

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Lynda1 said:

Quote What do you do to find joy every day? 

 

There is no joy and nothing feels good

Lynda, 

When I lost my George (we knew each other 6 1/2 years, only married 3 years 8 months) my big joy was gone.  I look for what I call the "little joys", nothing too small to count, it can be anything, a stranger letting you merge in traffic (a miracle), an unexpected check, a call from my sister, getting together with friends...I have learned not to compare what is to what was, comparisons are real joy-killers.  It takes practice.  I was in utter shock in the beginning, never in my life expected him to die right after his 51st birthday.

My heart goes out to you in our loss, this is something none of us would wish on anyone.  Little by little we learn to adjust and cope but I don't think our married friends have a clue what this is like.  He was my world, we were best friends, lovers, everything to each other.

I realize these little things may not seem joyous to you, but I've learned to embrace anything good and not disregard it, I've learned to live in the present and take one day at a time, it has helped tremendously.

[Margm]

Lynda, I had my plan to follow along behind Billy and we had had 54 years.  We still had plans and dying was not in those plans.  It went fast, (am I glad or did I want him to hurt longer?), and four years later I did not want him to hurt longer but I told him, refused to listen to him when he pitifully let me know he was leaving.  I turned my back on him.  Three days later I wrote to this group.  I think it saved me to know I was not alone.  In between those three days I was going to drive the truck into the "Muddy Wilderness" where there were no trucks or cars.  I would go down a path into the woods and on a beautiful autumn day that was the most horrible time in my life I would take the 50 morphine pills left and would not be found until hunting season.  I knew what would happen to my body out in the depths of the wild animal woods and was glad.  I never once thought of my children, my grandchildren, my sister, only following the man who said "I am you and you are me" and we were.  It has been four years and today for just a few minutes,  I pretended I was driving with Billy, I put my hand on my purse like I used to put it on his leg.  We hurt.  Like Rose Kennedy said, we build up scar tissue and it can be ripped off too.  Your younger than I am.  I'm sorry we have to hurt so bad but young or old, six months or 60 years, it is a terrible ripping apart pain that when you cry until you cannot breathe, it almost seems peaceful not to breathe.   

I can only advise you to keep reading.  Listen to Marty.  Listen to Kay and all the others that are still hurting after years.  And yes, at the moment we want to follow them.  And missing them does not quit, but one spring will come when you will see the flowers again, one autumn when you will see the many colored leaves.  It will still be muted, but you will see them again.  I'm so sorry, and that is the only thing we can say..................but keep reading these people who have lost their most important friend, a part of themselves.

[Sandi71]

Two years ago, my husband of 12 years, was diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma the day before Thanksgiving.  The oncologist was extremely optimistic and made us think this cancer was going to be easy peezy, no worries at all.  After a year of unsuccessful chemo cocktails, I finally contacted MD Anderson and made him an appointment with a lymphoma specialist.  Being from Tennessee, my husband and I both quit our jobs and moved to Houston on January 2, 2019.  To be clear, this was made possible because I have the greatest parents in the world who helped us make it happen!  To make a long story short,  the entire ride was an emotional rollercoaster and my husband lost his life on November 7, 2019.  He was 48 years old.  

So far what I have read in this group is right on.  I, as most of you state, have definitely lost the fun in life.  Life is a little boring to me right now.  I have not been successful at finding employment yet and have a very hard time occupying my time.  My mind is continuously replaying the last few days in the hospital and it is torturous.  I hope that changes soon, but I am not sure it will. 

With Christmas around the corner, I want to focus on our children and bring normalcy to their life as much as I possibly can.  I have never ever put up a tree the week before Christmas until this year.  But it did get put up and that is all that matters.  Mark would want that.  He would want his kids to be happy.  And finally, I try to remember that this earthly life is short and not our home.  To God, death is not bad.  Missing Mark is natural because I love him so much and he was my everything, but I must remember I will see him again.  

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and happiness in the New Year.

[kayc]

@Sandi71  What an optimistic spirit you are, like a breath of fresh air!  I am sorry for your loss, so young to be going through this, as I was.  Father's Day 2005 I lost my husband just five days after his 51st birthday.  Everything else is before or after that date, as you know, it changes everything for us.  I hope you and your kids can have some good in your Christmas.  I hang my husband's stocking and ornaments still...that first Christmas we put notes in his stocking, it helped.