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I want John back.

I don't want to hear I will see him again...he lives in my heart....he is in the wind...every time you see a butterfly...a feather...................

I'm broken. His presence....his laughter....his hand in mine....our deep conversations....our future...................

Gone....we will never marry......never find our apartment..... never celebrate our first Thanksgiving...Christmas......

Part of my very being has died.....and I have to go on and live.......how?

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Dear Katie, I`m very sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 5 years ago, a surgery that went wrong.

Reading your words, they were mine at that time. 

Yes, a part of your very being has died, no sugarcoating this, but you will find a way to go on and live. How? I don`t know how, but you will do. I know I have, but I still cannot convey exactly how it happened. I look back and I can`t believe it.

My life has never been the same. To live without the love of your life is painful, is unfair, is hard, is challenging. And it feels so empty.

Same as you, we will never marry, never live in our apartment, never celebrate our Holidays, never parenting any child. Our lives are full of "nevers" and it`s painful to put up with them, to process the whole thing. 

Grief changes with time, yours will too.  With time, grief softens, a lot, a little bit, as much as possible.

I have been told so many times about living in my heart, feathers, sunsets, signs. I`m always perplexed at these affirmations. Even if it is true, they cannot compensate the amount of pain I have been through. They cannot compensate his absence. 

If God would show up, I would tell Him the following, I have repeated this tons of times in my head: "I don`t need you to explain me about your Plan, your Reason. If there is a tiny little peace of freedom in my soul, I use it to tell You that I don`t understand why, and even if I do receive an explanation I won`t ever accept it. He was taken away from me, from his family, from this life he loved, our dreams were destroyed before they were born.  He lives in a place where he doesn`t belong. He may not suffer anymore, but I do. He is in Heaven, I am in Hell". 

Your daughter needs you. You have a reason to live. But you need to grieve too. Grief who is suppresed always finds a way to call for attention. What helped me was going to counselling. This is a safe place to express yourself. No judgment here. Come back to read and write as much as you need. 


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Katie, I responded to you in your other thread so I hope you'll read it.  It's very hard to assimilate all of this, it can take quite a while, I think it took me a good three years to process it, so many changes it means for our lives.  In the beginning I couldn't imagine a week without George, now it's been 14 1/2 years.  Sometimes I can't believe I survived this long, I don't know how except taking one day at a time...and a lot of effort.  Reading about grief, making effort to get out of my comfort zone, journaling, coming here, building a new network of friends, mostly widows, starting a grief support group in my little town as there was none.  Everyone gets through this differently, I try to find balance, time with others, time alone at home.  You will find your way through this, little by little.  Feel your pain, sit with it, it won't always hurt this bad, our grief evolves as we make our way through it.  (((hugs)))

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Katie:  So sorry you have had to go through this terrible loss.  kayc's words on how to get through this grief is to tackle it one day at time is the only way I know how to do it since 2015.  After four years, I am still taking one day at a time.   

Hugs for you and your daughter.  Dee

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Katie, I'm pretty new here. I lost my partner very recently and often feel all of the things you described. It doesn't make it easier does it.. its okay to feel angry, cheated, hurt and it's okay to mourn the life you were suppose to live too. 

I hope you have lots of support around you, and if you don't, I hope you're able to find some here.

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I'm so sorry!  I've been there.  The finality of it all is so cruel and black and frustrating.  Death has got to be the biggest insult in the world.
Do you have close friends you can talk with, a trusted person who will patiently listen as you process your thoughts and fears?
It really helps.  I had a friend who did that for me, and the comfort I felt from that was palatable.
When my husband died, I leaned into God more than ever before.  I thought we were close up to that point, but I found Him and His love to be more intimate and deep than ever before when I needed Him most.  I wondered aloud so many times, "I don't know how anyone gets through this with Jesus!"  
It didn't take away my loss.  I had to walk through that unwanted valley; but I wasn't alone in it.

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It’s a shame Katie never came back since November 20th.  Maybe she will as she was looking for support.  Her loss was so fresh, I always worry that someone may have gotten too overwhelmed.  I’ll just hope she found support that is helping her more than she found here.  

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