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Loss of Fiancee / Can't figure out how to move on


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I'm not sure why i'm doing this. I've never reached out to people I don't know. But I can't keep making everyone sad in my life. On November 7th she had stomach pains, we went to the emergency room and we assumed it was a stomach flu or something. The ER doc said her liver was covered in meta lesions. 17 days later she was gone. She worked out 5 days a week, drank green smoothies for lunch, didn't smoke or do drugs, no history of cancer in the fam. It's a little over a month and I am still sad/angry/confused. I get it, it does happen and I'm not the only one who has suffered this loss. I'm just not sure why to go on. I'm not gonna off myself or anything stupid, I mean why keep trying? Work, Happiness, relationships? They all seem pretty pointless. We r both in our early-mid 40's and had been travelling a lot recently. She asked why we are "serial" travelling one day? I told her family might need us (we have elderly parents), maybe a pet, maybe another family member, maybe it wouldn't be possible with our work schedules. But we have time now.  I never thought it would be because I lost her. I'm mad,sad,defeated, I called the guy at my fish market FishFuck, was rude to a CVS check out person, and flipped off an old lady. I'm pretty sure none of them deserved that and i probably have many apologies to dish out. About 3 weeks after she past and we had the memorial I had to leave town. I couldn't handle people knocking on my door to make sure I was eating 10x a day. i didn't know where I wanted to be but knew I didn't want to be here. I went to Vegas... I grieve by gambling and drinking. It was therapeutic at times and depressing at times. But I come home and she's still gone. Now I feel like I wanna leave again. We never argued (I know people say that and if it was because of me we probably would have but she was so easy going) but when we kidded around about differing views I would say "well my next wife won't try to drag me to amusement parks" or something like that and she would say "she can pry this ring off my cold dead hand". And then one day I had to. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or wisdom, need to vent, or need a sounding board. But pleaaaasssse don't pray for me or say Jesus or god wants you/her (insert anything here). I take take any more of that.

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So very sorry to read about your tragic loss.  I wish there were words to ease your pain, your anger and your grief, but unfortunately there were no words that I ever heard that took away my  sadness when I lost my husband almost five years ago.  You have found this forum and hopefully by your being here you will find some peace and advice on how you can go on.   Each one of us here have shared and learned from each other as we walked our grief road.  Kind thoughts for you.  Dee

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There is no one here that does not totally emphathize with your loss.  Not knowing what to do, sadness, anger, shock, trying to self medicate the pain away, not wanting to go on and so much more.  No, you aren’t alone in your grief.  Yours Is so very new.  It is hard in the beginning as so many people mean well and want to help, but can’t unless they have been there themselves.  I turned many people away because they were suffocating me in their well meaning caring.  Taking your anger out on others is not unusual.  We are angry at the world at such an injustice that doesn’t make sense.  She was seemingly healthy and your future together was right in your grip. I, also, grew dry tired of prayers and religious attempts to console me.  It works for some and I respect that, but we need to be respected if it is not for us.  As I have told all new people to this huge loss, when he died (also of cancer) half of me did too.  I will never be the same, ever, because of losing the best friend I ever had. I’ll never be complete again. So I go through each day trying to find purpose when I had everything I needed before.  In a blink it was gone.  I became an 'i’ instead of a we.  The world looked the same, but it was not.  It never will be.  I never expected to have to relearn how to live in such a strange place.  I hope you will find thisa safe place to share your feelings, good or bad, with so many that understand the language of grief.   I’m so sorry you are here because of why.  No platitudes or worn out things you've heard many times.  We are here.  We will hear you.  

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I'm so sorry that yet another person has to join this club no one wants to be in (but we're all grateful for).

You won't hear us spouting cliches here.  In fact I've read articles talking about things NOT to say to grievers.

Just yesterday it seems we were in our 40s, had just put our lives together...now it's nearly 15 years since he died and I don't know how I got here, growing old alone.  I can understand your anger.  Alcohol doesn't help as it's a depressant...I don't need a depressant, I need a pick-me-up, if anyone knows of one, let me know.  Coupled with winter blues and holidays ending, it's a let down.  Funny thing is, I don't remember ever feeling this way when George was alive.  Then it was the best place in all the world to be...in his arms.

Have you considered professional grief counseling?  It seems loss comes without a map...it helps to have someone to help guide us through it.  If nothing else, you have this place to vent, use us as a sounding board, someone is always here or will be shortly.

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Ty. I think I needed to hear that I'm not the only one who lashes out or can't stand the sounds of religious consolations at a time when it feels like if there is a higher power they have forsaken you. Since we have older parents we spoke about having to understand we would lose them one day and I told her it was easier to leave then to be left. I don't think she ever believed me. I'm also mad at her. She would lie to me about dr. visits. She was just so terrified of Doctors. Small things, even in the hospital. They asked her the last time she had a mammogram, she said like two years ago, I questioned her, after 10 minutes of drilling her she confessed never. I explained that we were fighting for her life. I told her everything was on the table. I was with her every night of those 17 (one night they told me I had to leave ICU so I went home and got some much needed sleep). We were supposed to surprise some friends in Amsterdam the day after Thanksgiving, visit Spain in February, I had bought tickets to Morocco in May and not told her about it yet. So sometimes I'm mad at her. But I'm most upset at myself. Did I make the wrong choice of Hospitals, or after the 1st (and only) Chemo treatment I saw some side effects that I should have taken her immediately to the emergency room but waited too long. You will say as everyone else... you can't blame yourself, but yes I can. I don't know if it would have made a difference but it might have. I spend an hour or two everyday walking myself through every decision I made. Like a coach watching tape of last weeks game. 

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Hello there.  I, too, can only say how sorry I am you lost her and are now feeling lost.  As others have said, we get it.  For men, it's a little different, this grief journey, than it might be for women.  The anger at yourself, and at her for her lack of self-care, is so, so completely and totally natural, normal and understandable.  Myself, I had to push my partner at times to do better with this kind of thing.  He would lie or minimize things, too.  He didn't want to worry me.  In fact when he first collapsed and was sent to the ER, he minimized his symptoms to the ER doctor and made light of the incident, just wanting to go home.  I get that but I was furious when I heard him blow off my concerns during the ER doctor's questioning of the events leading up to the collapse.  He did it again the morning after, when they were getting hm ready to start walking around in preparation for discharge, as we were all unaware of the septic bacteria in his bloodstream about to overtake his system (evidently, moving around caused a pocket of septic bacteria to break open or something, and leak into his bloodstream).  Because of his typical guy attitude, we will never pinpoint what anyone could have done to prevent it in the very beginning.  He had some symptoms the night before which I, myself, blew off as inconsequential.  Looking back, I think the cascade of events was starting even then.  Did I blame myself?  Yes.  I still do, a little.  But I came to realize, over the last almost-3-years, that he didn't want to be a burden, part of his upbringing.  Drawing attention to yourself was an invitation to be a target.  So I have to take things like that into consideration.  Could there be something like this, that she didn't want to worry you?

2 hours ago, Attempting2Grieve said:

Did I make the wrong choice of Hospitals, or after the 1st (and only) Chemo treatment I saw some side effects that I should have taken her immediately to the emergency room but waited too long. You will say as everyone else... you can't blame yourself, but yes I can. I don't know if it would have made a difference but it might have. I spend an hour or two everyday walking myself through every decision I made. Like a coach watching tape of last weeks game. 

Absolutely you can blame yourself, and you will. That's unavoidable, a very human reaction for a finite being like yourself who can't know in advance what will and won't happen.  You can drive yourself nuts with the what-ifs, and it sounds like you are.  Again, a similar experience here with "should I call 911?" not doing it and regretting/wondering ever after... I get it.  I still do it.  Just not as much, because the intensity softens with time, distance, and perspective.  It's a hard road to walk.  The holidays, and certain anniversaries, make it harder, but it's still so very fresh for you.

I hope you will read through the forum when you're able to, to see that those of us here understand and will listen.

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Oh, Keiron, what wise words you have shared, thank you. 

Attempting, I did much the same when my husband escaped his cancer-ravaged body.  I wondered for a long time if one more clinical trial, one more round of an alternative chemo, even after two rounds had failed and the third was underway, when he succumbed to other issues. We did emergency jet ambulance to get him to a trusted surgeon. He did not want to spend the money on the flight, but I knew it was a good choice for him because many of his friends were there, to uplift and support him on his journey. I did not fully understand why I was unstoppably determined to get him to his trusted surgeon and where he had several medical friends.  But now I know it was the very best thing he could have done.  He called in two of his honest friends, and I left to forage for some cream of rice for him. I will never forget how their eyes had changed when I returned. We never can know why we are led as we are.  But we can trust that things will work out for the best. 

When we are left here, in Life, I sometimes think we feel guilty for any joy we find. But I know Doug went to a greater joy, because I was holding him when he left. I felt his spirit move through my heart, leaving his Infinite Light there even as that same Infinite Light went off to play. He had opened his eyes, he was smiling, and he said, with a beaming grin, "Oh, Wow!" He is no doubt playing somewhere, having much fun, healed from his PTSD and doing something with energy, because that is what he talked about with the Angels before he left. 

Yes, I think sometimes we do not want to worry those around us, but anticipatory grieving is a necessary condition, especially for spouse caregivers and those very close to the heart of the Spirit now going out to play. If we but knew...it really is All in G*d's hands. The guilt is slow to leave, even as the grief is slow to leave, and it all takes time.  Move into it, lean into it, at least stand next to it, hold grief's hand. Take little bits at a time. I hope you have loving and supportive people around you. Peace to your Heart, dear one. *<twinkles>*

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15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 As I have told all new people to this huge loss, when he died (also of cancer) half of me did too.  I will never be the same, ever, because of losing the best friend I ever had. I’ll never be complete again. So I go through each day trying to find purpose when I had everything I needed before.  In a blink it was gone.  I became an 'i’ instead of a we.  The world looked the same, but it was not.  It never will be.  I never expected to have to relearn how to live in such a strange place. 

Gwen:  Your highlighted statement is so right on.   I've read your words many times before but for some reason today, these words smacked me in the face.  I often ask "Why was I left here alone to learn how to get through each day?"  Silly question, I know, but I still ask.   There is no answer.  It just is.  Dee

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2 hours ago, feralfae said:

.it really is All in G*d's hands.

I can't buy that. Hard to believe a "god" would take her from me. If she would have attended doctors appointments instead of pretending to go maybe she would be here. If I had picked the right hospital the 1st time maybe she would be here. I can't live with "God" making random choices. I'm not trying to be short, I just can't accept that.

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Oh, Attempting, of course you must meet and work through your grief and emotional pain in your own way.  I was merely offering my experience more for comfort and not at all to confront. I don't think G*d ever makes random choices. I just don't understand most of them. I did not understand why Doug had to leave until he had been gone for some time. We know his cancer was from agent orange, so I think it was evil chemicals more than anyone who caused him to have cancer.  I do understand how we wish we could have made better choices, had more options, knew more about cancer.  We did not pick the right hospital the first time either, and I carried guilt about that for years. I was sure we could have saved him if we had started at a better hospital. But that was not my fault, or his.  We were taking advice from the doctors. 

I still have guilt sometimes about things I wish I had done better, sooner, with more love. But I know I did the best I could, and while I wish I could say we had all the answers, we did not.  And now I live this solo life, only now beginning to find my own solo balance after losing half of me. Peace to your heart.  *<twinkles>*

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Running across these responses is very coincidental as I was just on the phone with a cousin and saying I don’t understand why Steve was taken by cancer when I see so many horrific people still living and hurting others.  A person committed to peace, created music and made so many people feel good and special.  The concept/belief in god is so varied.  When I was in a 12 step group for kids of alcoholics, someone told me to substitute Good Orderly Direction so I could handle so many references to it.  

I often wish I had the belief many have so I had someone to yell at.  To cry out to, maybe find some inner peace.  Promises I will see him again in some way.   But I don’t.  

4 hours ago, Attempting2Grieve said:

 I can't live with "God" making random choices. I'm not trying to be short, I just can't accept that.

 I understand how you feel.  There is a lot of anger there and rightly so.  Part of the cycle that happens that I have been thru many times.  Anger at him, the world, nature, the universe, you name it.  Often misplaced, but valid because I can’t wish it away.  I’ve even screamed out to god, I guess, asking why.  Why would you take him?  It shows me just how deep the pain is.  How we want answers we will never get.  I feel fortunate for one thing, I don’t have any regrets about anything I did.  I did my best and did save him from things that would have made it worse had they continued.  I stopped him from blindly following the doctors as I could step back and see he gained nothing but side effects with no reward.  

What I have learned here is not to argue other’s posts.  They are well meaning and I know they relate to what worked for them.  It’s the old saying.....take what you need and leave the rest.  It’s like getting samples at a price club, some will be ones you buy or like and others will be tossed because they don’t fit your taste.  The fact that someone reached out to me is the gift.  That I always appreciate.  

Just keep writing what you feel.  No matter what, getting it out will help and you will find like minded people and occasionally a new perspective you never thought of.  

As george would say.....peace (shalom).

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10 hours ago, feralfae said:

Oh, Attempting, of course you must meet and work through your grief and emotional pain in your own way.  I was merely offering my experience more for comfort and not at all to confront. I don't think G*d ever makes random choices. I just don't understand most of them. I did not understand why Doug had to leave until he had been gone for some time. We know his cancer was from agent orange, so I think it was evil chemicals more than anyone who caused him to have cancer.  I do understand how we wish we could have made better choices, had more options, knew more about cancer.  We did not pick the right hospital the first time either, and I carried guilt about that for years. I was sure we could have saved him if we had started at a better hospital. But that was not my fault, or his.  We were taking advice from the doctors. 

I still have guilt sometimes about things I wish I had done better, sooner, with more love. But I know I did the best I could, and while I wish I could say we had all the answers, we did not.  And now I live this solo life, only now beginning to find my own solo balance after losing half of me. Peace to your heart.  *<twinkles>*

I didn't take it as confrontational. I didn't mean for my reply to come off that way either. I just thought by this point I wouldn't be blaming myself or her. Xmas, NYE, and her Bday in the same week isn't making this easy for me. 

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8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Running across these responses is very coincidental as I was just on the phone with a cousin and saying I don’t understand why Steve was taken by cancer when I see so many horrific people still living and hurting others.  A person committed to peace, created music and made so many people feel good and special.  The concept/belief in god is so varied.  When I was in a 12 step group for kids of alcoholics, someone told me to substitute Good Orderly Direction so I could handle so many references to it.  

I often wish I had the belief many have so I had someone to yell at.  To cry out to, maybe find some inner peace.  Promises I will see him again in some way.   But I don’t.  

 I understand how you feel.  There is a lot of anger there and rightly so.  Part of the cycle that happens that I have been thru many times.  Anger at him, the world, nature, the universe, you name it.  Often misplaced, but valid because I can’t wish it away.  I’ve even screamed out to god, I guess, asking why.  Why would you take him?  It shows me just how deep the pain is.  How we want answers we will never get.  I feel fortunate for one thing, I don’t have any regrets about anything I did.  I did my best and did save him from things that would have made it worse had they continued.  I stopped him from blindly following the doctors as I could step back and see he gained nothing but side effects with no reward.  

What I have learned here is not to argue other’s posts.  They are well meaning and I know they relate to what worked for them.  It’s the old saying.....take what you need and leave the rest.  It’s like getting samples at a price club, some will be ones you buy or like and others will be tossed because they don’t fit your taste.  The fact that someone reached out to me is the gift.  That I always appreciate.  

Just keep writing what you feel.  No matter what, getting it out will help and you will find like minded people and occasionally a new perspective you never thought of.  

As george would say.....peace (shalom).

I feel like I still don't wanna be home. That's all I know. I ran to Vegas and didn't want to be there but I don't wanna be here either. I think I'll go back.

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8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

saying I don’t understand why Steve was taken by cancer when I see so many horrific people still living and hurting others.

Yep.  These past few years really "brought home" to me the meaning behind the old saying, "Only the good die young."

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19 hours ago, feralfae said:

When we are left here, in Life, I sometimes think we feel guilty for any joy we find. 

I remember after George died reading an article on giving ourselves permission to smile.  It was an empowering article in that it let me know it was okay to experience life and all of the glumness wouldn''t help George any.  I wish I had saved that article.  Sometimes it takes some looking to find anything to smile about.

On 12/29/2019 at 7:49 AM, Kieron said:

For men, it's a little different, this grief journey, than it might be for women.  The anger at yourself, and at her for her lack of self-care, is so, so completely and totally natural, normal and understandable.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/how-we-mourn-understanding-our.html
 

16 hours ago, Attempting2Grieve said:

Hard to believe a "god" would take her from me.

I don't even try to figure that one out.  Even though I am a Christian of deep faith, after having experienced the loss of my George, it is easier for me to reconcile this debate by viewing much of life as random rather than affixing on God the "taking away of George" which I have a hard time understanding.  I realize most Christians view everything as fate and with purpose.  I can find purpose in much but this is one area that is challenging at best.  I guess I hold off any definitive answers when it comes to this, but see it as an unknown..  I just can't claim to know everything and sometimes downright nothing.  There are too many of us here that had wonderful spouses and wonderful lives and how can there be an answer that addresses this when we were all pretty happy with our lives as they were?!  Of what I know of God it doesn't seem to describe Him either as I've known Him to be caring.  Besides there are so many of our life choices that factor in, genetics, what we eat, how much exercise we get, stress we're exposed to, etc.  I do think how we live makes a difference, kind of like playing the hand of cards we're dealt...and we're not all dealt the same fair and square.  There seems to be no fairness when it comes to death.  And so I've come to realize and accept these inconsistencies, even while not liking or agreeing with them as being okay.

16 hours ago, Attempting2Grieve said:

I can't live with "God" making random choices.

I get that, I really do.  The randomness I've come to view it with is more of a randomness of life occurrences, not some puppetmaster up in the sky calling all the shots.  It's not fitting with my beliefs or views.

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On 12/29/2019 at 3:58 PM, widow'15 said:

Gwen:  Your highlighted statement is so right on.   I've read your words many times before but for some reason today, these words smacked me in the face.  I often ask "Why was I left here alone to learn how to get through each day?"  Silly question, I know, but I still ask.   There is no answer.  It just is.  Dee

I’ve had that happen from others posts too, Dee.  I hadn’t found words for the feeling I wake up with every day and you just did.  I don’t know about yours but mine ollows like a puppy all day til I go back to sleep.  Even there it wil sometimes sneak in. It’s not a silly question at all.  I gave up trying to find an answer too because, as you say, there is no answer and that is the very thing that makes the weight of this harder each day.  Any small added problem is like adding another brick to tote around. Fortunately, some I can toss back like getting the cold I have.  It wll hopefully clear up and lighten the load. I don’t know about you or anyone else, but I posted recently that the things I did without thought (getting dressed, undressed, making a meal, taking a shower) now are are things I center on as the rest of the time I’m searching for things to do.  I’m writing more here because I need all of you as the hours and attempts to be in the world are fleeting and vanish when I walk in the door. I did get the gift of a smile watching my one dog check out what I had bought. She knows itis forbidden to put paws on the counters so she stands with her front legs dangling to see wat the haul is.  She obeying the rules in her own way.  I think she always has done it, but today I really noticed.  I wondered what the odd facial feeling was I had.  Even a small smile feels different.  Thanks for finding the words.  If you find the answer, you are morally obliged to tell us!  🦋 

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Good article, Marty.  I guess if anything can make us question and examine our beliefs or test/try them...it is death/loss.  I hate the cliches.  We each have to find our own way through this.  It doesn't bother me if I look at things differently than others...it may bother them, but that's their's to deal with.  ;)

 

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13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve had that happen from others posts too, Dee.  I hadn’t found words for the feeling I wake up with every day and you just did.  I don’t know about yours but I follows like a puppy all day til I go back to sleep.  Even there it wil sometimes sneak in. It’s not a silly question at all.

It wll hopefully clear up and lighten the load. I don’t know about you or anyone else, but I posted recently that the things I did without thought (getting dressed, undressed, making a meal, taking a shower) now are are things I center on as the rest of the time I’m searching for things to do.  

I’m writing more here because I need all of you as the hours and attempts to be in the world are fleeting and vanish when I walk in the door.

I did get the gift of a smile watching my one dog check out what I had bought. She knows itis forbidden to put paws on the counters so she stands with her front legs dangling to see wat the haul is.  She obeying the rules in her own way. 

I wondered what the odd facial feeling was I had.  Even a small smile feels different.  Thanks for finding the words.  If you find the answer, you are morally obliged to tell us!  🦋 

Gwen: I agree even a brief smile is more noticeable now.  I hate that I seem to have to remind myself to make myself smile more everyday.  Gone are the smiles and sudden outbursts of silly laughter my husband would create for me.  I so miss that.

Our fur babies do give us reasons to smile with their almost human interactions.  Only if they could verbalize. 

I have to laugh when my granddaughter reminds me how long it takes for me to get dressed when she spends the night with me.  Gone are the days when I was up and out of bed, showered, hair washed, dried and myself down the road to work within the same time frame.  Of course,  my granddaughter didn't know me then.

I envy that you say you have to find things to do.  Your youth is on your side and your determination to "put that foot in front of the other" works for you in spite or your pain.  My head tells me I should get up and do so much that used to be automatic, but my old bones tell me maybe later, not now.

Am hoping your cold has been shaken by now and one less thing for you to deal with.  Looks like the next few days in the Pac NW are going to be miserable.  The  Seattle news last night said no fireworks from the space needle due to predicated heavy winds. 

May 2020 be better to us all. Dee  

 

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Yep, they're predicting snow here this week, ugh.  It's pretty but I can do without it.

Staying home with Kodie & Kitty, it's pouring rain out, I mean a deluge!

 

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It is very miserable in the PNW tonight.  The only good thing was my drive home from counseling was wide open.  People must have cut out early to get home or to parties.  Unfortunately my cold picked today to become the monster and I’m hoping not any worse.  I told my councilor he was a brave man as I told him I was sick.  Having just heard the weather, the laser show is on, jury out on fireworks.  It’s just me and the kids tonight as usual.  The rain might keep the noise down as my neighborhood is usually bad.  I really want to jump (ha! Make that step carefully) into the shower just to rinse off, being sick I hate getting in bed feeling icky.  But the pain is ramped up from the virus.  Knowing me tho, I’ll probably do it.  Pay for it tomorrow and trying to sleep.  I’m my own worst enemy.  Plus I get so bored sitting.  Anything that breaks that up I lean towards.  

Kay, they are predicting low level snow here week end, but mostly downpours and yucky wind.  I hatewind the most for power problems.

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I heard branches hitting my roof.  I took Kodie out in the yard with a flashlight this morning and there's branches down from the wind, will have to go out and pick them up when it's light.

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Unfortunately my cold picked today to become the monster and I’m hoping not any worse.

Oh no!  I'm amazed your counselor saw you when you're sick.  I hope he doesn't get it.

I'm at 2,500 ft. they predict snow this weekend and beyond.  I hate winter...3 1/2 months to go!

The rain and wind woke me up several times during the night, plus all evening it was bad.

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Here it is 2020.  Happy New Year everyone. Although I am a lot stronger now, I remember clearly stumbling around after Doug left, feeling nothing but a huge emptiness. It was more than a year before I could feel much of anything.  I remember my first smile, because I was driving to town and noticed how beautiful the clouds were. I was surprised that I felt a bit of joy. It really shocked me that I could have that emotion, because I thought I'd never feel any happiness again. It takes as long as it takes, and only yesterday, I was thinking of Doug and the tears started.

I was remembering when we had many friends out for a new year's party here at our home. Some of us had been talking about that party, even as we were at another party that was a NYeve, eve party, a party for a friend whose birthday is December 30th. Three friends at the birthday party had also been at our New Year party ten years ago, when Doug was still doing well enough to host the event. 

I remember the first time after Doug left that I went for a short hike, and how good the sun felt on my skin, but how my aching heart kept pulling me back into the shadows of my grief. Sometimes, I'd go into the hills or mountains and wail at the sky, shaking my fist and so angry, frustrated, feeling guilty for not being able to save Doug no matter how hard we tried. But not, all these years later, I have more good days than sad days, and so I consider that a healing sign.

All best wishes to everyone for this new year, and Blessings and of course *<fairy dust>* with much love...*<twinkles>*

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My joy are bits and pieces, fleeting, not the overall joy I had when George was here, we were so happy together.  But I'll take any and all I can get, no matter how small or fleeting, there is no joy that is insignificant...I've learned not to compare but to appreciate what is.  Comparisons are real joy-killers.

I wish peace and healing for everyone here.

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