My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Karen, you're not alone, I used to be blonde too, now it's grey/white in the front and grey/brownish in the back.  I don't like it, if it's going to do something I'd rather the white as it's striking, but I'm stuck with this mousy look...this is me now.  Turning 70 this year.

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

In reality, through my "new" eye, I am completely gray! What a shock and a letdown. lol  Makes me wonder how long I've been this old woman!

Karen:  On the upside of the  surgery it  sounds like your "new eye"  lense replacement is successful.  I am happy for your results so far.  Don't worry about the hair color.  I started turning from a brunette in my early 40's and attempted a few times to color it myself.  I gradually gave up and began saying my hair was "silver" never saying it was gray.  I couldn't be bothered with worrying about my roots showing.  Bob never seemed to care as he always loved me in spite of myself.   In fact, in my pre gray years in my 20's I would have my beautician put silver streaks in my hair as it was the style at the time.  Maybe you're too young to remember that style.   Honestly though, I do think about how my eyebrows must look.   Can't see those.  LOL.  Dee

[MartyT]

I also consider my hair color to be "silver" instead of gray, Dee! And when I was in my 20's, I went for the frosted look, too. So today I'm okay with never having to color my hair again! (And my eyebrows are still their original color )

 

[Widow2015]

Marty:  Yes, I can see your beautifully shaped eyebrows.  Somewhere I might have an eyebrow pencil I can learn how to use again in a few months after I can see clearly.  If not, I won't worry about it.  LOL Dee

[KarenK]

It's funny. My hair looks Ash Blonde(probably more ash than blonde), a look that I  tried to achieve back in my 20's using Roux color rinse that washed out easily. I had white blonde hair until probably my 40's or 50's. Then it went medium blonde. What am I complaining about? At least I have hair. My eyebrows are still blonde. I've always used gray eyebrow pencil. Brown didn't look right. I've rarely worn makeup at all in the last 10 years. It's hard to do eyebrows when your hand shakes.

Kay, your photo is lovely. Ron always complimented me on my appearance. Would hope he would view me with his heart and not his eyes now.

[Gwenivere]

20 hours ago, KarenK said:

I hope your doctor will be able to keep you in rehab until you feel confident to leave. How is the situation going with Dee to possibly stay with you for a while?

I haven’t talked to Dee about staying over yet.  Want that to be a.face to face conversation.  She worries a lot about Robin too.  Lots of emotional drama there and I’m viewed as a threat tho I’m not gay.  People are such complicated creatures. Dee's caught in the middle of what shouldn’t even be an issue.

My long awaited surgeon appointment was a bust.  Rehab did not instruct the X-ray company to send the readings and images to him.  So he had nothing he could tell me about how I am healing.  My PT team was depending on that too.  To direct how we move forward.  So now it’s getting the info into his hands ASAP.  All he could say was if something was wrong, I would know.  Well, I do feel that from how slowly this is going.  Could be the more complicated surgery itself.  So many factors.  But this evidence exists and is very important. So a voice mail left to the nursing director of getting this done and of course this happens on a Friday before a 3 day weekend.  I can’t afford to waste a day here.  I had my assessment yesterday.  Can only stand about 10 seconds without assistance.  Depending on my left leg I lose my balance.   You also do a 6 minute walk to measure endurance.

I just read his follow up notes.  He has my pain levels much lower than I said.  I don’t want my insurance to get those.  Sent him a correction mail saying I must not had conveyed them well.  Better not to say he did something wrong.  I hope it’s revised, but I doubt it.  It’s amazing how busy his office is.  Not all could be this serious.  
 

On the plus side this air mattress is so much better.  Everyone here should have one no matter what they are in here for.  They’d have a lot more rested people. I wish I could say the food got better for accuracy.  They left out the veggies again.  I asked for a PB sammie for breakfast and got 4 slices of bacon. Forgetting my raisins.  Enough griping.  Time to buck up for bed. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, MartyT said:

And my eyebrows are still their original color

You are so lucky!  I was a blonde with dark eyebrows, then my hair turned brown (now grey) and eyebrows disappeared, have to pencil them in.  The good thing about getting older is we can laugh at ourselves!  Sense of humor is a MUST as we age!

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

What am I complaining about? At least I have hair.

Yes, that's what my friend with cancer says.

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m viewed as a threat tho I’m not gay.

Sounds like Robin has insecurities.  In a good relationship one should have trust when there's been no cause for losing it. IMO

Gwen, one of my deepest fears is going to the hospital where I lose control over what I eat and how Kodie is.  I had such a dream last night about that, couldn't get back to sleep, four hours was not enough.  Hospitals/rehabs do not seem to pay attention to people's needs, whether Rxs or food, let alone their wants.  I think all health care workers should be subjected to a long stay at one to get a taste of their own medicine, maybe they'd care more then.  
I hope you get better care but it seems like that's a dream sometimes...

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

I think all health care workers should be subjected to a long stay at one to get a taste of their own medicine, maybe they'd care more then.  

That would definitely help.  It’s so easy for them to just label us and most don’t  take the time to converse or ask (as I try and tell them this is no vacation for me).  You can just tell those without any empathy.  They act put out when asked for anything.  Yet they see us struggle to do things.  Watching all these busy people full of vitality.  I miss feeling Ike I am naturally tired from a regular day.  So what happens?  Babbles like this.  

Today was an odd day.  Went by a bit faster.  Part was starting my PT on my own.  Had a couple people say I looked better I hadn’t seen in weeks.  Didn’t watch any news.  Liked that.  I’ll catch upon Colbert in a way that isn’t so dire.  Learning to be grateful for the pain meds over resenting them.  Still staying realistic about being home which I’m not ready for.  Reminding myself I can adapt to changes as they come up.  But not all.
 

Time flew by talking to Dee.  About settled in for the long night ahead.  Am so tired of treatments I need from being here so long (bed sores).  Not having answers I should have had long ago (X-rays).  PT being hesitant as we don’t know where we stand in hopes we are not making things worse.  How I can keep up with a TV show but not scheduled things in my real life.  Of not knowing where I stand insurance wise being here.  Insurance mail building up at home.  
 

💕 to everyone.

[kayc]

Your outlook sounds good, now if you could just get some answers.

Supposed to get a foot of snow between Sun. and Tues.  Won't be going anywhere for a while.  I hope I can get groceries the end of the week...

[Gwenivere]

I’m pretty sure we’re done with city snow.  Now that I say that, we’ll probably get clobbered.  The mountain passes are getting hit hard.  Makes for happy skiers.

Pulled myself up for another another day.  They added more stuff to take. This after surgery care has gotten so complicated.  Thought it would be about walking!  It is but not enough that I’ve been here for weeks and still can’t stand up close to normal (for me).  I’m so literally tired of all these meds making me so out of it.  Hate this feeling drugged out.  No one gets I can’t easily sleep on the side that would take pressure off the bed sore one.   Can’t just turn over every half over and get sleep.  Shifting my whole body means moving my back and an important leg pillow.  Plus when I’m out, I’m out.  That would make a night with no sleep.   Can’t rearrange the room opposite logistically either and have it work for me when awake.  The wasted post op visit still has me fuming.  All I’m learning is how to do more in pain and drug haze.
 

Going to try sleeping on my left side for the night.  I hope it works as I’m so darned tired.  I figured out a way to get my iPad over there with power.  Was a terribly lonely night.  I tried to call Dee but she must have been on a dog walk.  Button on the wrong side so I hope this works.  Hope all have the best Sunday possible.  💕
 

[kayc]

 Not only is it going to snow but I HAVE to keep up the shoveling because it's to get down to 13 F!  Once it does, I can't make a dent in it.

Gosh, Gwen, even with the impending snow (which I hate), I'd rather deal with that than what you're dealing with.  My BP won't like it, will have to remember to pace myself, I hate that.  Getting old sucks, they never warned us.  Golden years, my foot!

I continue to hope for improvement in your situation.  Also hoping you can reach Dee.  All I have is Peggy and we know how that's going to go...

 

[Gwenivere]

I made it about 3 hours on my opposite side overnight. Spent the rest on the sore side and was right…..I was exhausted.  Nurse woke me up.  Going to talk to PT about what we can try and accomplish for core strength and walking.  I just am getting better tolerating it in pain.  I’m just gaining more time of doing so. 
 

I'd rather be dealing with snow too, Kay.  That would remove the fear as eventually it would have to melt.  As I said jokingly to my therapist once, I can’t return this back hardware.   I did the stairs in the gym Saturday for something different.  Amazing how something so simple has become a major endeavor.  Only 5 of them.  
 

PT never showed up so I had an aide help me take a walk up and down the hall.  Really nice young woman.  19 and boy, do I remember being so young and vibrant.  Had to get out of this room.  
 

Amazingly, calling the X-ray place (as Nina suggested on our Sunday call) had someone there. They said they sent the images and reports to the doc on the 10th.  So they are probably lost.  I still amazed every day of my 'luck'.  They mailed them a week before my appointment last Thursday.  They're definitely lost. The place didn’t even put tracking on them or notify anyone.
 

My dinner came up without the meatballs and sauce, just a plate of noodles.  Partly my fault but I had called at lunch to have it fixed.  I swear, some days I feel like they should be paying me.  
 

I got to thinking of being really young and life was so exciting. I thought about park swings and pumping so hard to go really high and then jumping out as far as you could.  Standing on my hands against doors.  Walking walls.  Sleeping outside summer nights til dawn and dragging inside to escape the light and birds.  My dog in tow.  Exploring the yard by flashlight. My neighborhood was the universe.  Parks and mesas were magical.  💕
 

 

[KarenK]

Sounds like you were pretty much a tomboy like I was. I think my best memories are of riding and caring for the horses in Wyoming. Also did my share of tree climbing and falling in creeks. At about 13, I discovered boys and life became way too complicated. Has been ever since.  lol

My left eye is really giving me fits, very blurry. I'm hoping it is just strained from trying to keep up with the good eye. My second pre op appt. Is on Wed.

Hope they brought your meatballs and sauce. I couldn't eat just noodles. What a bummer about the X-Rays! Hope they have copies.

[ohsosad]

Karen,

I had cataract surgery on 1/20 and my eye is still blurry.  Two post-op checks were "fine."  Last week I complained about it and the dr. said it's "inflamed" and prescribed another drop that contains prednisone.  Wants to see me tomorrow.  There's been no improvement with the new drops.  I'm quite upset.  Everyone I've talked to about cataract surgery has said their eye cleared up in a few days.

 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

They said they sent the images and reports to the doc on the 10th.

Surely they have a copy!  I thought most places sent them electronically nowadays.  There should have been some follow up!  That was eleven days ago!

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

PT never showed up so I had an aide help me take a walk up and down the hall.  Really nice young woman

I'm glad someone was there for you yesterday!  Good grief.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My dinner came up without the meatballs and sauce, just a plate of noodles.

Wow.  I'll take the meatballs and sauce, skip the noodles.  Did they not fix it after you got it?  Wow.  How would they like that for dinner?

Gwen and Karen, I was a tomboy too, always up a tree!  Playing with my dump truck, loading it with rocks and dumping it.  Swinging high up in the air, trying to get the swing to go above and around the swingset (which I managed to do once, probably not my brightest idea)...our swingset was school yard size, buried six feet in the ground, my dad built it.  I loved going up high enough to see out over the neighborhood.  Oh and collecting bees which we used in our slingshots against the boys who were always tormenting us!  Finding frogs, snakes, salamanders...

1 hour ago, ohsosad said:

Everyone I've talked to about cataract surgery has said their eye cleared up in a few days.

My sister's one eye doesn't have any vision pre or post op, but hers was complicated with macular degeneration, no treatment.  I'm sorry yours hasn't cleared up.  I had a cyst on my eye that was horrible, lived with it for years until I couldn't tolerate it anymore, insurance didn't cover it, I had to pay out of pocket for the surgery.  They prescribed steroid drops, cost me over $400, had to pay out of pocket for it several times, not covered by ins.  I hated it.  It's so unfair to have this luck of the draw. 

 

[KarenK]

Ohso, I'm so sorry that your eye is still having problems and taking forever to heal. My new eye is doing fine(surgery a week ago), better than expected according to the doctor at my post op. It's the other eye that's really struggling(like smudged glasses?). Am having surgery on it next week.

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

At about 13, I discovered boys and life became way too complicated. Has been ever since.  lol

Sexual awakening arose earlier than I acted on it.  I was late at 17, but I caught up fast.  🙂. That definitely complicated things and closes some doors forever about childhood.  Tree climbing was a must for me too. Think I was the last to give up the neighborhood tree house.  I wanted to be around horses much more than I was.  

Hope your eye gets better before the 2nd one.  To go into more blurriness would be terrible.  I don’t know if you are like me, but I always seem to fall into that small percentage of things going wrong.  I like being unique but not in these ways.  I don’t know anyone it went perfectly, but certainly better this far along.  I know the drops are very important.  Was glad to see things were finally improving.

 

[Gwenivere]

Well, darn, lost my whole post.  Showers got cancelled so hoping for today.  Found another bed sore to be tended to.  Means having to get up and down at night every couple of hours. Never had this issue before, but never was in rehab this long.  Very uncomfortable to get covered.  
 

Found out they’ve had the X-rays and radiology reports here.  Didn’t send them along to my doc.  Supposedly did last Friday but the office took today off. Getting their attention is always hard with 4 day weeks, closing at 4 and 90 minute lunches.  Talked to PT about other spinal cases and if I could realistically improve from this pain and slouch.  They said it was dependent on other factors like nerve/muscle/bone damage to heal as well.  That’s a lot of factors that keep me in fear I may never heal to a point I can live close to what I did.  I keep doing all they come up with here and see no real improvement.  
 

I was content being the quiet lady with her dog making treks every day.  TV never went on til I got home.  Night was stuff I recorded or DVD's.  Routines were dull but not so much depression and an unwilling acceptance that this was my place in the world now.  Couldn’t keep denying that.  I’m very saddened my time is being shortened with Melody.  I didn’t want to miss any time we could have together.  The downside of time lines between our species.

My anxiety meds are locked up and unable to be accessed because the afternoon nurse didn’t bother to report they had run out while whoever has the code was here for where they keep back ups.  Now they are 90 minutes overdue and it’s getting too close to my sleep ones.   I learned last time I was here this lack of thinking ahead and have some I’ve stashed over the weeks.  I just took half a dose.  If they haven’t resolved this by 2am, I have more.  My big call today is to whoever is in charge to do this to residents.  Another example that anxiety disorders aren’t viewed as serious as they are.  Also making me feel like a junkie.  I’ve spent years in therapy to not fall into that thinking.  I can’t control this any more than a diabetic could mentally control their pancreas.  This is daily prescribed medication  not to be downplayed.  They wouldn’t with insulin.  
 

Another day in paradise.  Going to talk to the floor manager. They’ve truly exhausted my patience.  If I have the same afternoon nurse, I have some choice words for her too.  
 

💕 to all.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, KarenK said:

Am having surgery on it next week.

And I wish you the best with it, no reason not to believe it'll go just as well!  It'll be nice not to have to look through "smudged lens."

I got over 13" snow yesterday through evening, shoveled 9 1/4" and did the remaining 4" this morning, plus what came off the garage roof and straightened out the driveway paths, had to use the heavy metal shovel, my hands hate it.  Had to resort to Ibuprofen and Voltaren last night I was in so much pain.  May today too.  But the up side is it's now done and my BS was 97 this morning!  My body liked the exercise even if I didn't.  Not taking my BP today, don't want to know. 

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Found out they’ve had the X-rays and radiology reports here.  Didn’t send them along to my doc.  Supposedly did last Friday but the office took today off.

Incompetence.  I'd have heads rolling if I was in charge of that place, honestly!  I've been in charge so many places I worked and didn't put up with stuff like this, it's so important to let people know what the expectation is (their job) and then have set corrections in place when breached.  Not to punish but to teach.  There needs to be improvement.  This affects your care!  Not acceptable.  Sometimes I don't think workers understand the correlation of the sloppy work they do and how it affects the patient.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My anxiety meds are locked up and unable to be accessed because the afternoon nurse didn’t bother to report they had run out while whoever has the code was here for where they keep back ups.  Now they are 90 minutes overdue and it’s getting too close to my sleep ones.

This is a prime example of what I'm talking about.  I'm glad you had the foresight to stash some, thank God!  Too bad they can't think like you do!  Oh Gwen, I wish you out of that place, safely in your own home with your own dog and help availed to you.  My heart goes out to you with all the unknown, the pain, and missing Melody.  

 

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another example that anxiety disorders aren’t viewed as serious as they are.

That is a huge for sure!  I couldn't agree more.  A lot of people just view it like "Oh you need to trust God more!"  or "say this mantra" or "smell this scent" well that's not the case at all, it's actually a disorder and needs treatment and if those other things help someone with theirs, great, but for me, it's not enough.  I've lived this life 70 years and have always had this to deal with.  And still do even with the meds because I choose to go with milder and lower dose rather than be zombie like or not feel and prefer not to have the side effects.  Sometimes I feel liike health/old age is a balancing act!  I live on a tightwire.

[Gwenivere]

We’re had a bit of snow here too.  I can tell it’s been cold as my room is freezing. Heard from the staff how cold it is outside.  But no shoveling.  I forget every year that February is our breaking point of winter.  Exercise is good, but glad you are pacing yourself.

Made some calls to get my X-rays sent to my surgeon.  Stressed to the surgeon how they never respond to my email. That this isn’t my job to run down this stuff. My anxiety requires much stronger meds or I’d be nonfunctional.  Walking a tight wire is an accurate analogy.  
 

Got a shower.  Always makes me see I could never handle them at home with my set up.  An ombudsman came by which is good as they are neutral and follow up on these things (theoretically).  The floor manager never showed up for the X-ray and med fiasco Monday night.  I’m so shocked….not.

Every day feels like a weekend day.  Don’t know why.  I’m never sure what day it is and have to write notes like I have counseling today.  Don’t have much to say.  I used to look  forward to sessions, but like these posts, it’s just getting it out and a brief feeling less load.  I’ve been imprisoned too long.  Keep finding more physical problems with the dealing with the world ones.  I don’t know if there is any solace.  That’s a scary place to be.  
 

Checked in with Dee.  Got to talking about dinners and she said she’d cook me grilled sammies if I want them.  Told her I’m not going to make her come over at 10pm for that.  She’s got her evening routine to settle into.  Besides, this surgery is supposed to make my life better.  Ha!  Yeah, right.  

PT was just walking today. This therapist doesn’t offer much.  Did more laps in my room.  Let Castaway run.  A reminder things could be lonelier. I could understand the will to live when I first saw it, not so much anymore.

Stay comfortable wherever you are.  Literally freezing up here.  🥶

[KarenK]

Supposed to get rain later today and snow in the high country. Wish I was there, although I'm not a big fan of freezing cold.

Does your home bathroom have a tub/shower combo? I can't step over a tub easily so never use that one. Fortunately, I have a walk in shower in my other bathroom.

Hope your med situation is straightened out now. Also hope the surgeon will see favorable results on the X-Ray.

Sending a warm hug

[kayc]

It was 9 degrees this morning, extremely cold!  Will make sure Kodie's only outside a min. and walk him late morning when it's had a chance to reach 30's.  So nice to not have new snow today as it snowed yesterday and they didn't predict it.

Maybe it feels like weekend all the time because they don't do their jobs...usually considered a weekend phenomenon.  

 

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

I can't step over a tub easily so never use that one. Fortunately, I have a walk in shower in my other bathroom.

Yup, all I have is a tub/shower with sliding glass doors.  It was hard before the 2nd surgery and don’t know how I’d do it now.  I can still step over probably, but  nothing to hang onto.  No rails and a stool with no arms.  Can’t reach the water faucet.  It needs to be replaced.
 

I just got news my insurance wants to send me home Monday because I can get up, down, dress myself in easy clothes and walk with minimal assistance.  Doesn’t matter I can’t do anything like shower, make food, brush my teeth, move anything, tend to my pressure wounds or get my meds together by myself without assistance.  I can’t stand for any length of time.  Everything I do beside getting up and down, I have to do in bed.  I took stock of my abilities while on my walk and couldn’t figure how I would spend a day at home. I’m not going to ask Dee to be a caregiver full time.  I can get in home care, but space is limited for exercise.  Meals, pills and showers will be a problem.  The guy here is going to start the appeal based on the wound care and inability to stand for simple things.  What will also be needed is my surgeon to look at the X-rays he hasn’t gotten yet.  Have no idea how sleeping will go as I will have a flat bed and the toilet won’t be in the bedroom.  Last time I was here, I was walking to the bathroom when waking a couple hours after going to sleep. That hasn’t happened yet.  I knew this would be coming, but this is a bigger surgery on top of another.  They make their decision based on feedback from here.  I know I’m doing good in some things, but others are quite obvious would be more than difficult.  I get the feeling rehab focus on the good not realizing the spill over to the other and how that affects things.
 

Tried to keep my ind off this for the evening.  Obviously didn’t work.  Talked with Dee and she’s concerned.  Said we’d figure something out.  Had grief counseling and I wasn’t into it at all.  One of those days I preferred to write than converse.  Tired of being tripped up with more to worry about.  Thought it was going to be another day of the usual frustrations.  That’s more than enough.  I’m not even going to think about what May come up today.
 

 

[KarenK]

Wouldn't you like to be a fly on the wall at the insurance company to see what criteria is used in making decisions about peoples' lives. Most likely they base things on average results, not taking into account extenuating circumstances. Hopefully the doctor's opinion will carry some weight. Surely OT can see that you're not able to be alone yet and will speak for you.

Hope you're able to find a solution for the shower problem. So glad Dee will be able to help you in some way. Too bad Robin can't see clearly and be supportive.

Crazy question, but I wonder if insurance would cover a hospital bed for a while until you can sleep comfortably in your own bed? I know they make adjustable beds, but they must be super expensive.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I can’t do anything like shower, make food, brush my teeth, move anything, tend to my pressure wounds or get my meds together by myself without assistance.

I hope you find a good brand of tv dinners.  You will need to have someone put in rails in the bathroom.  Maybe have someone come in once a day for a short time?  My sister just hired a teen who grew up next door to her, she'll start next Thursday.  Peggy is fortunate she can brush her teeth.  She has to wear loose pants just below the knee because she can't get long pants on, they have to have elastic waists, she has to wear slip on shoes and can't manage socks even with her grabber.  She's able to do a shower with a stool as she has a walk in shower.  You may have to have yours taken out and changed.  I don't have one either, I do have a walk in shower but tiny with flexible doors that I can't lean on, they're barely held in and heaven help me when they come off!  One broke off years ago.  No help.  It 's hard!  It's esp. hard knowing how alone we are.  If I ever reach the place I can't shovel snow and get my firewood in, I'm done for.

Thank God for Dee.  Maybe your recovery will be very gradual but will improve eventually, I hope so. Peggy was lucky Bert was still alive when she recovered from back surgery, her first month was in the hospital and rehab, after that he took care of her.  It took about a year, but knowing Peggy as I do, she made no effort to help herself.  Even for a long time after Bert died.  I had to talk to her about how bad she wanted to stay in her home because she needed to do SOME things for herself...she finally made a bit more effort.