My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I lost track of where I was posting about the hospital, now rehab nightmare.  I don’t expect replies, I just need to try and stay sane, whatever that is anymore.  I was told I would have a day to prepare to move and got 3 hours as soon as I woke up.  They were hurry, hurry, hurry but I couldn’t get anyone to bag up stuff.  Had to scramble to find someone to get my car home over the weekend.  Had a driver that took corners too fast,strapped in a wheelchair and the driver couldn’t hear me because she was more into the radio.  Getting in this rehab is as I imagined having seen how it was where I volunteer.  Didn’t get a private room as I was told.  My schedule doesn’t fit.  I’m not an early riser.  I’ve had to call for my meds every frigging time.  Haven’t a clue how I’ll sleep in this place.  People in and out for my roommate, lights, loud.  Lost a day I was doing rehab at the hospital.  

I really wish I was making this up, but my gut told me it was going to be bad.  I tried my best to find something positive.  I’ve never appreciated my home, privacy and control of my existence I see now.  Guess that is the positive.  

My roommate is mumbling, the oxygen generator hissing that I had in another room at home and I’m hoping I get my meds on time.  I told the nurse I don’t trust them to come thru.  I guess if she misses it, they wil have to deal with the banshee I’ll be in a few hours.  I hate how this has changed my tolerance and the nice me now becoming the kind of person 'I' would want to avoid.  

I 'smoked' my way thru the day with more nicotine lozenges. 

Gonna try and play some vid games and calm down.  And then the sleep thing.  If I could, I’d laugh at that idea.  Curse out Steve when I tell him I love him.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I'm so sorry.  I guess my sister was damn lucky when she was in rehab, they were wonderful.  She didn't have a private room either and that's the hard part, living with someone you wouldn't choose to.  No excuse for their incompetence, I'd raise cain if they didn't bring my medicines on time!  What are they there for!

Yes, try to relax, if video games and nicotine lozenges do that for you, then by all means.  Goal:  to get home asap!  Hey you can love someone and be mad at them at the same time!

[Gwenivere]

Oh, I raise cane about issues.  Have to temper it tho at times and constantly changing shifts isn’t as easy as it was in the hospital.  It’s starting over and over again.  The worst is the bed is terribly uncomfortable.  As luck would have it the control is on the opposite side of the bed so it’s tough to get right.  It’s so tough being in grief thru this.  I still wake up from spurts with things I want to tell Steve.  then bam!   Reality.  My roommate gets lots of visitors, including her husband tho they live apart.  What I wouldn’t give to see one particular, handsome smiling face walk in for me.  

[widow'15]

Oh Gwen:  You sound like you are about to explode.  I am so sorry to read what you are going through in rehab.  How can anyone rehab in such an environment.  Am so hoping you won't  to be there for too long.  I know you feel you have already spent enough time there.   Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing this will be behind you really soon.  Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen,

So sorry you are in this lousy situation. At least they should provide a comfortable bed. Not an ideal place to try and recover. Hope you will be in the comfort of your own home very soon.

[Kieron]

Ugh, you have my sympathy.  I've worked in such places ages ago starting out in my career, and then supported Mark through two "rehab" centers and fought with staff and aides repeatedly to make sure he got what he needed.  It was appalling that they sent in tiny 16 year old girls to "help" this big adult man try to sit up in his bed when he had no muscle tone.  They're usually overworked and understaffed, and short-tempered, burned-out and hopeless, just trying to get through the day and go home.  To say nothing of the real bad ones...  I remember a few times encountering other patients or residents waiting hours for a simple assist with something like getting to the elevator to get to their own floor from the community room. it's barbaric that a person is expected to recover in such a grim environment (one of his room windows looked out at a wall-- not even sky or grass or trees!), and eating food I wouldn't feed to a dog, lacking stimulation and having little to look forward to except more of the same.  😝

[MartyT]

We're all pulling for you, Gwen. ❤️

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm so sorry, I wish you had a date you know you could leave so you could do a countdown and cross the days off.  But know that each day you've been there is one less ahead of you and you'll be home soon...not soon enough, I know.  Sending love and hopes for a better day today.  

I look outside and it's raining, never been any happier to see it!  Don't mind the wet on my walks, so long as I don't have to shovel it and I'm one day closer to being able to get out and get groceries.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I look outside and it's raining, never been any happier to see it!  Don't mind the wet on my walks, so long as I don't have to shovel it and I'm one day closer to being able to get out and get groceries.

kayc: Each morning when I open the door to let Maddie out I too am delighted not to see snow on the deck.  Can't imagine getting out and shoveling as you have had to do.  I know come spring time I will have a good growth of weeds to pull.  The warm winter has encouraged the crocus to pop out already.  But, then I remind myself, this is only January with possibly more cold weather to come.  Will keep hoping for continued rain, not snow, for all.  Dee

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Kieron said:

Ugh, you have my sympathy.  I've worked in such places ages ago starting out in my career, and then supported Mark through two "rehab" centers and fought with staff and aides repeatedly to make sure he got what he needed.  It was appalling that they sent in tiny 16 year old girls to "help" this big adult man try to sit up in his bed when he had no muscle tone.  They're usually overworked and understaffed, and short-tempered, burned-out and hopeless, just trying to get through the day and go home.  To say nothing of the real bad ones...   😝

Kieron:  Your dear Mark had you as his advocate to speak up for him.  I too, have memories from years ago of what my dear Mother had to endure in a rehab nursing home while she recovered from a broken hip.  She suffered with dementia and could not speak for herself.  My daughter and I took turns spending time with her until we could bring her home for us to care for her.

I wish there were someone with Gwen to see that her needs were being met.  Gwen, you are in our thoughts.  Dee

 

 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, widow'15 said:

this is only January with possibly more cold weather to come.

It wouldn't be so bad if it were a couple of days and then a break but when it's continual, it's hard.  Got out and got groceries today, yippee!  The produce is so much better in the valley than in this sleepy overpriced little town.  didn't have to shovel much today.

6 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I wish there were someone with Gwen to see that her needs were being met.

Me too.  It's so hard that she's alone, but honestly, that's where I'd be in that situation.  Kids working and don't live here.  I just hope you can come home soon, Gwen!

[Gwenivere]

Remember, this is where I whine a lot.  Not required reading.  I’m grateful for the input from everyone immensely.  

I  knew this was going to be a nightmare as I saw it where I volunteer.  I always felt for those people and now I am one.  There is immense benefit if you have someone to help advocate to the administrators and lean on the staff.  Staffing is a true problem in these places.  It’s not like having a job at a hospital or clinic with good benefits to stop the turnover.  I do have to say the people here are pretty good.  Learn things like they have robes, gowns, snacks by seeing others.   They don’t tell you.

You raise a good question, Dee.  I’m not really sure how one is supposed to get better in here.  I got dumped here Thursday and haven’t done anything but walk with aides.  My hands get shaky trying to eat.  I want to get a shower as it has been a few days.  I’d really rather be back in the hospital when you had a nurse and CNA assigned to you.  Here it is hit and miss.  I’m a little worried with it being a holiday weekend this could be held up til Tuesday.  So far today it’s been another struggle getting meds on time.  Last night they hadn’t updated the computer and I wasn’t going to get my anxiety meds.   Apologized to the nurse I took it out on as she had to follow what the the previous nurse didn’t enter right in the computer and did call the on call doc per my insistence.  I’m not sure why I keep getting the wrong meals either.  The one thing you could try to enjoy.  I just found out there are shower days, not like on request at the hospital.  Arg.  Just living the dream here.

i so miss my furry kids.  2 weeks since I’ve seen them.  I’m losing precious days with Ally, my eldest.  It’s just hit me and I lost it.  My roommate was gone so I could cry, something I haven’t done in so long in this constant putting out fires and survival.  I know many will say look at that as motivation, and it is, but I feel so trapped.  If I weren’t tied to oxygen I could move around freely and do more.  Even with it, I wish I was doing this at home without the added stress of controlled living.  I know when I need meds, can take antibiotics and whatever on my own.  I could touch and be touched by another being without gloves.   It’s like being a child leper.  I understand the need, but the recipient feels so non human.

One thing I am glad about is the snow is over here.  Not that it directly impacts me here.  It just didn’t look pretty when you’re not at home and comfy. 

 

 

 

[widow'15]

Gwen:  You are truly a kind person if you can still find kind words in your stressful situation;  apologizing to the nurse for the the mix up in your medication entered in the computer.  I'm afraid I'd be a bawling like a baby with a roommate or not with a roommate.  Your time spent  volunteering in the nursing homes has given you a better understanding of what the staff are faced with.   But, unfortunately that doesn't make you life more bearable at the moment.  Still keeping only good thoughts for you to be back home with your "kids" soon.  Dee 

[MartyT]

[kayc]

Gwen,

So thankful the worst weather is past, it must have added to the drear.  I guess we were lucky with my sister being at the Marquis, they really were pretty good.  Of course I'm sure it helped my BIL was there every day and I was talking with them regularly.  Peggy was out of it, on suicide watch, crazy from the pain meds.  I was seriously worried about her.  Glad to learn a lot of it was the drugs.  They should have showers even if it means sitting down to take one.  I don't understand why places are so understaffed at the prices they charge.  Peggy was there 3 1/2 weeks and needed someone at home with her when discharged...that's the problem I'd have...there is no one..  I can't afford to pay someone.  Seems if someone even came in for an hour in the morning to bring your medications, help you shower, dress, that'd help a lot.  Someone to bring you groceries/food.  But who is the big question.  I couldn't even get help when I had surgery building fires, cooking, etc.  Don't want to go back to a hospital for anything.  I'm sure you feel the same way.  You have a good understanding of both sides, having volunteered so many years in that setting.  I just wish the same kindness could be bestowed on you.

[feralfae]

Gwen, Just reading about your situation and what you are going through. I am sure you must feel vulnerable, isolated, alone, and not able to do what you want. Added to that is the problem of not being able to take a shower when you want one—that would be awful, feeing the need to be clean and not being able to wash. Can you begin now to arrange for home health care? I will remember you in prayers today, and will be thinking of you as you recover and get back to your fur babies.

Just reading about the conditions in the rehab place gives me fright.  First, because you deserve better care with more attention and better monitoring of your medications. Thank goodness your brain is working well and you can let them know when they make mistakes. But I know you want to be home, and I hope that will happen soon. I am so sorry that things are not going better, and that you are so very alone. I'm glad Marty sent big hugs, because I know you need them right now. I hope the care gets a lot better starting right now, and that you will soon be well enough to be at home with your beloved pets and in your own space. I am sending you lots of {{{hugs}}} and *<fairy dust>* for happier and healthier days very, very soon.  *<twinkles>*

[kayc]

Home Health Care was invaluable when I was taking care of my bedridden MIL for three years.  They taught me much and helped with the morphine shots (I HATE giving shots!).  Good suggestion, fae, as they can really aid someone with their independence and being able to live in their home.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you all for the only real smiles I get each day.  I did manage to get a shower.  Funny how modesty is unimportant when desperate as I had a male aide who was great.  The meds confusion is improving a tad.  My 'friend' delivered some clothes and much needed deodorant, they keep it SO hot in here.  It was a drive by visit. Did show me a pic of my kids, that made me cry.  I don’t know what I’ll do about laundry. They use super hot and I don’t want them marked with my name like a nursing home resident.   What feels awkward is I am accumulating too much stuff here, yet small things I took for granted (scissors, magnifying glass) I don’t have. 

Some of the mail she brought was tax stuff.  What a thing to have to get ready for, tho I am getting ahead of myself.  Wired that way now without Steve whose column this fell under as I always freak out about big number stuff.  Need something from the grocery store at the best sale price?  I’m your gal.  

I’ve noticed here that sunset really sinks my mood.   It’s not warm light anywhere here.  It’s cold in my heart always now, but at least at home I’m not in constant fluorescent glare.  I had heard about sundown syndrome at the nursing home.  I don’t have a medical diagnosis of it, but I think a lot of people in grief feel it.   Another experience I could live without.  

Trust me, Dee, I am crying on the inside all the time.  

Drat, I was so out of it Sunday night I forgot to post this!  Crazed here Monday and I am listening for anything that will get me outta here.  I did do PT.  Think I did well.  3 factors for getting out of here.  How I feel, the facility feels and what my insurance decrees.  I don’t want to endanger my health, but I hope I’m doing as much as I can. As pet moms or dads know, no matter how well others care for them, we want to be with them.  A therapy doodle came and at first I declined but it felt sooooooo good to pet a precious pup.  No gloves!  I got to feel something.  A gift if only a couple minutes.

I’m really hoping I won’t need anyone at home.  I am so sick of being pestered.  That would drag it out even more.  I just keep feeling things will never be the same after this.  I wonder what they do if you say enough! if confronted with something like this again?  I have no motivation to repeat this experience.  I can’t envision anything coming into my life that will bring that.  I could be wrong, but better being prepared and surprised than having more hope squashed.  The old saying....the devil you know. 🦋

 

[KarenK]

Gwen,

I remember having to ask my SIL to do my laundry for clean things when I was hospitalized in Ky. Embarrassing, as I didn't know him that well. Here he was grieving my daughter and having to help me. It was a very sad time filled with horrible memories. I did have a few visitors, my granddaughter and husband, grandson, ex and his wife, people from Debbie's church. That helped some, but I spent a lot of hours with tears running down my face while coughing my brains out. These people were basically strangers to me. I still felt so alone. I know part of it had to do with feeling so crappy.

When I got out, I was on my own. I had refused their rehab offer, just wanted OUT. My SIL was working. I could slowly make it from the couch to the kitchen for soup and microwave dinners. Managed the stairs a few times for clean clothes, but slept on the couch downstairs with their little white terrier, Jack. Poor little guy kept looking for Debbie. In my heart, I was too. Enough about this. It's making me too sad.

You are braver than I with a male aide. I might have showered with my clothes on. Funny how time changes us. I used to mow the lawn in my bikini. If I could do it now, it would probably be in sweats.   lol

When you go home, be prepared to move slower and take it easy. It took me many months to recover, but it left it's mark on me. You might consider having groceries and dog food delivered for a bit. Anything to make it easier on you. Were it not for my son, I would have been lost.

[kayc]

The last thing we need to worry about is filing taxes right now, I don't know why they couldn't have made it in the summer instead of the worst season of the year.  Obviously they don't think of those of us shoveling snow and housebound.  Like we don't have enough to do!

Gwen, I'm glad your friend came by and brought you a picture of your kids.  Bittersweet.  Soon, I pray, soon!

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you all for the only real smiles I get each day.  I did manage to get a shower.  Funny how modesty is unimportant when desperate as I had a male aide who was great.  The meds confusion is improving a tad.  My 'friend' delivered some clothes and much needed deodorant, they keep it SO hot in here.  It was a drive by visit. Did show me a pic of my kids, that made me cry. 

Some of the mail she brought was tax stuff.  What a thing to have to get ready for, tho I am getting ahead of myself.  

Trust me, Dee, I am crying on the inside all the time.  

I did do PT.  Think I did well.  3 factors for getting out of here.  How I feel, the facility feels and what my insurance decrees.  I don’t want to endanger my health, but I hope I’m doing as much as I can. 

As pet moms or dads know, no matter how well others care for them, we want to be with them.  A therapy doodle came and at first I declined but it felt sooooooo good to pet a precious pup.  No gloves!  I got to feel something.  A gift if only a couple minutes.

I’m really hoping I won’t need anyone at home.  I am so sick of being pestered.  That would drag it out even more.  I just keep feeling things will never be the same after this.🦋

 

Gwen:  So happy to see you posted and are still fighting the never ending battle of life without Steve.  Your PT hopefully will get you closer to leaving and back home.  Keep up the good work, we are all pulling for you.

When you mentioned when you showered you were helped by a male aide brought me back many, many years ago when I had my children in a military hospital and how that was the beginning of the end of my being modest.  The result of you feeling refreshed and washed is a lot more important than modesty.......right?  Another time was when I was having a gall bladder attack and the young EMT's were trying to get me off the floor in my small bathroom .....I just closed my eyes and didn't care if they remembered my face the next day or not.  I just wanted out of the house and the pain to stop.

Was happy you accepted the gift to pet the therapy dog.  Touching and looking in the eyes of something that gives us even a moment of pleasure is so welcome. 

I would think once you are home and are not able to complete tax filing on time, there are extensions for health reasons.  Right?  I know in the past, we have filed late, but can't remember exactly what our reasons were since I never had to do anything about it since my husband took care of it. 

Take care, Dee.

 

 

[kayc]

I've been told as long as we have our estimated taxes paid (I believe it was 90%, you'd have to check with your tax person) there' no problem filing late as long as an extension is filed...it's 1/2 page simple form can be filed from your computer, name address, etc., not much to it, you have almost three months to do it and we're all rooting for you to be home long before then.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Kay.  I don’t do estimated taxes,  never have.  Just gather the info from all sources and get it to my acccountant.  My/our stuff is so complicated with investments all over the place.  Lus, that’s what he gets paid a percentage on.  

[kayc]

Maybe you can have him file an extension then.  If you're out in time to deal with it, fine, if not, you're covered.

[Gwenivere]

9th day here.  Tomorrow will be 3 weeks away from home.  I was told today when I get released I will have to have someone come in a few times a week.  If I don’t transition well to living alone again my only option is moving to an assisted living facility.   I cannot even put words to the despair I am now feeling.  All advice?  Don’t go there, but how can you not?  That would be a life sentence and losing my home!  Hitting a wall of huge depression.  A lot to have put in your head when you can’t really rest and you’re without optimal mental functioning.

This facility is in quarantine for the flu now, not that I did anything much but rehab.  I have a sore throat so that’s not good.  

I feel like I’ll get some good news (told me here I’d be paying 30% of hospital and rehab bills which panicked me) but insurance says no, it’s covered and then hear the above.  Where are those childhood fairy tales of knights showing up for the rescue?  😓