I Am Hurting And Do Not Know What To Do

[star0422]

This is cry for help. My Dad passed away April 10th. He went into the hospital for minor stroke and something went terribly wrong and he passed away 1 month later. I have been trying to be there for my Mom and I have a full time career and family. I am fine while I am at work. As soon as I get in my car to drive home everyday the water works start. I cannot focus on anything other then getting up the next morning and going to work. There I am safe from the memories. I am trying to be strong for my Mom, husband and children but there is some type of disconnect going on. I have been waiting on that sign from my dad that everything will be OK like he did when I was a child. I keep waiting and waiting and nothing is happening. I know I am not crazy but it is all getting very overwhelming. Any advice?? Please anything?

[sunstreet]

Star0422,

I am so sorry for your loss. My Father passed away on May 8, 2006. I too am in a sea of pain that seems unpredictable and shows up at all the wrong times. I find this forum here extremely helpful. I feel less alone. Hope you find some comfort here as well.

Sunstreet

[shell]

Star,

My dad went to the hospital and died exactly a month later. It was very unexpected and shocking. I truly do know how you feel. It has only been a little over two months for you, so what you are feeling and experiencing is perfectly normal! All I can tell you is that it will get "better". You have a long, hard grief process in front of you, but it does get easier to cope in time. Right now you just need to feel whatever you feel and cry all you want to. As we often say here, the only real way to come through grief is to face it and let your feelings out....all of them. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are still in the shock stage and it is hard to try to be strong for anyone at that time. Try to take care of yourself and your own feelings as much as possible right now, it will help you later on.

Hang in there.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[lil kid]

boy, do i feel your pain. i remember sitting in my living room when i got the call that my dad was literally laying on the side of a desert road after a motorcycle accident. "it can't be" was what i thought. after all, my dad was a motorcop for 30 years, receiving "safe rider" awards and all....well, it DID happen, & he fought vialliantly for 44 days until his body just couldn't take it anymore. i am new to this site & when i saw your message, i just wanted to reach out to you....when you have work, a husband, and children looking to you for all they need, it seems impossible to do it, doesn't it? and to be truthful...it IS impossible for a while.... i wish for you an understanding husband - one who will help to pick up the slack on the home front (dishes, meals, laundry, etc).... you would be surprised how those "little" things can overwhelm you at a time like this. i don't even know if i have any worthwhile advice for you other than to just let it all come out WHENEVER it comes out. i can tell you from my experience (and my sister's), that you need to find someone, somewhere, where you feel comfortable letting it all out...even if it's just 10 minutes, because if you don't do that (in my experience) you could possibly develope actual physical ailments yourself, ya know? i am 2 1/2 years into my grieving process and have only recently come to the conclusion that if i DON'T reach out, DON'T talk about it, then i will be of no use to ANYONE. not my husband, not my child, not my boss, not even my sister or mother or friends. it is more than easy to fall very deep into your thoughts of grief, anger & woe... i think this site is a good place to start & i am glad to see you finding it more quickly than i have! you WILL survive this...you WILL be 'better' one day... you have to believe that & ride the wave that is coming your way...you will learn to find strength deep within yourself...i pray for you & for all of us in this journey.

[loveyoupapi]

I lost my father on 7-5-2006. I too had to be the strong one for my mother and I am just starting to mourn. Everything seems so different these days and I cannot seem to come to terms with this. I have never lost anyone close to me, and at 35 that is rare. When I am working I get teary eyed. When I do sleep it is a battle of nightmares, and when I manage a couple of hours, I wake up crying. I am not one to show others my emotions, so I do most of this once I am alone at home or at work where I am locked in my office. I am the only child, and have to now keep my mother together, as well as move her closer to me because I really would love to just sit in bed all day. My husband has been great, and my 10 year old seems to be dealing, whereas my 14 year old will not say the word. I recently visited the grave "what a terrible experience". Since it has been only 2 1/2 weeks, it was bare awaiting the head stone. That made it so much worse. I feel for you and others who like me are lost without that person. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Haley]

Star

I also lost my MOM 4/9/06 and it is the worst I have lost my self in the mean time I use to laugh and have a great time now its just a frown on my face. I can not come to terms that she is gone. I have also never lost anybody to me my grandfather died when I was little and not really understood death I am 31 years old and man I feel like I have either gotten so old I can not function or so young I have to start all over but how do you get this started.

My sisters and brother and my self had agreed that we would have MOM cremated and that I would have her with me I was the closest (not that she did not love us all) but they all new that I was the closest and I was there from the time we got the call of her being in the hospital to now and Ican not go on I have not figured it out I have turned todrinking and food for my savior yuck ( no more drinking for me and diet here I come) L:ife is so hard I just want to also hide in bed all day and not have to deal with life right now man I wish I could just hang in there with the rest of us it helps to come and talk andvent about anything just ask paul, derek and mainly Shell I vent about everything and they listen "Thanks guys". I am so numb. My MOM passed 4/9/06 4/11/06 was her birthday and than there was easter and 2.5 weeks later my grandmother moved away 2.5 weeks later it was mothers day and than my sister moved away and than my other sister came tome and said that she was leaving and its been one thing after another that my body has shut down. i actually have turned to food and drinking alot more to stay within my mnid it is killing me and to feel so alone thats hard also.

Sorry to mummble on but Thanks for listening

We all just need to hang in there and help in any way we can I am here for who ever needs me

Thanks

Haley

[lorikelly]

I feel how you feel. Each day seems like an effort to get going. I try to tell my self that day will be a little better. I cry alot. I am going to therapy ann i think that will eventually help. i have started taking xanax and it does help with the real lows, those times are so hard, my husband says he sees a difference. the medicine does not make you forget or not deal with the grief i think it helps you be more rational and look at the whole picture. i am going through so many emotions that they are over whelming. i wake every morning with this sick feeling in my stomach and then have diar. every morning. i barely eat a meal and have lost wt. i pray alot and hope that it will get better, it has only been 3 weeks since my moms passing. i have no siblings since they do not speak to me and i am dealing with alot of guilt which is so hard to get rid of. i pray for an end to this misery.

[dpodesta]

lorikelly, you are going through the normal stages of the grief process, I lost my wife on April 6th of this year and went through the same things you are going through. For awhile if I ate 1 meal during the day I was doing good, I was late to work alot because I just couldn't get myself up in the mornings. My work suffered because even tho I was there physically, I wasn't there mentally. The doctor put me on Efflexor which is a antidepressant, like you said it is a magic pill to make you feel better, it just evens you out so your lows aren't so low. Over all I lost 20 pounds and I was pretty skinny to start with. After the first month things start to get a little better and around three months I was eating 3 meals a day and getting up early. I won't sugar coat everything, you will still hit some lows, I had that happen this past week, and I felt I was back in the first month, but it will get better. Keep coming to this site there are plenty of people here that will help you. Keep praying, God is there with you carrying you through this rough time.

[lorikelly]

THANKS FOR ANSWERING. IT HELPS TO KNOW THAT OTHERS FEEL THIS WAY ALSO. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR WIFE, SHE DIED ON MY MOMS BIRTHDAY. SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT EFFLEXOL AND SAID IT MAY HELP ME. I WENT TO THERAPY TODAY AND MY THERAPIST SAID IT MAYBE A GOOD IDEA TO THINK ABOUT TAKING A ANTIDEPRESSANT. I AM GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT AND TALK WITH MY DR. MY HUSBAND SAYS I NEED SOMETHING SO I DON'T GET THAT LOW, BECAUSE WHEN I GET THAT LOW IT IS HARD TO GET BACK UP FROM IT. I KEEP ON TRYING FOR HIS SAKE AND MY TWO BOYS. THNAKS AGAIN FOR LISTENING.

[melissa]

My heart goes out to each and everyone of you during this time of pain and grief. I strongly believe in the value of therapy of any kind. Grief counseling in a support group or on an individual basis with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Even my primary care physician was helpful - I was having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep because I'd cry so much, but for the past week I've been taking Ambien and with the exception of the first night, it has worked like a charm I'm ready to go to bed within an hour of taking it, I'm able to sleep through the night, and there's no "hangover" feeling in the morning - you just wake up refreshed after a good night's sleep. If any of you are comfortable going to a support group or to see a qualified physician, you're definitely making the right decision. Sometimes we just need a little help from others (peers, doctors, etc.) to help us through these difficult times. They're safe places where we can cry and vent and simply be allowed to feel how we feel at that very moment.

Another thing that works well for me, but is tough to do sometimes when you're really down, is to exercise. The endorphins in your brain do wonders to stimulate your mood. And you don't have to start off doing something intense. Taking a long walk after dinner is a great start - you get to enjoy that it's still lighter out later in the evening. As for what works for me, I have to do an intensive exercise program at the gym, without it I would do nothing. As hot as it's been lately, I'm still going twice a week to my spinning classesand twice a week to my kickboxing classes, I think I just sweat out all the toxins in my body. In any case, my time at the gym, or any time I exercise I use to only focus on my body, my strength, my muscles, etc. It's a wonderfully healthy way to check in on your self physically and see how you are doing. The connection between physial health and emotional health is so strong, that you can't help but to improve your emotional health as you become physically stronger or more active. What's nice about exercising is that you can clear your mind and just focus on the music and/or on your breathing - once you are completely focused on either of those, it's like your brain can't add any more to your conscious thought at that time. So give it a try, take a short walk after dinner (with or without your family, whichever you prefer) and see what the impact is after doing this for a week or two and let me know - any of you that try it, feel free to let me know how it makes you feel or if it helps you in any way.

[canocool]

Hey there Star, My name is Cano and I lost my father when I was 4 and my Mother when I was 6 and guess what I am still here..... sometimes wishing i was dead sometimes going crazy but here I am married with 2 kids as well which makes you more guilty sometimes...anyway my suggestion is that if you are waiting for a sign...... it won't happen if you are looking for their presence try looking and talking to your kids sometimes and you will see your old man in your kids faces and actions,trust me sounds crazy but sometimes at night when i am praying for my kids sometimes i can feel my parents presence anyways just a hint and life ain't gonna be easy but you need to share the love your father had for you with your close ones because you never now when it's your time to check out.......

Cano

[roxanne]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my daddy on December 10,2005. I lost one of my best friends who was also an ex, in 2000. I was so devastated crying and talking about him all the time. Now I feel as if something is wrong with me, my daddy is everything,I even did the 'hospice' side of the medical needs in his last days. I barely ever talk to anyone about my grief. Especially not my siblings or my mommy. I avoid it at all costs. When I do feel tears its always somewhere I can't..work, date..etc. I haven't reached out until now. He would have been 67 yesterday and now I can't seem to push the tears back as much. I am the youngest and only single child, I have my friends but as the words start coming out I feel like I sound cold.? I know I need to begin, my brothers always call my mom to talk and even cry, I am the most sensitive and I won't even listen to my mom. I am not married and have no children I feel cheated..'Dance With My Father Again'...says it all. I just don't want that gut wrenching pain I can't I almost refuse.

[lorikelly]

Hi I lost my mom on 7/3/06 and i can tell the pain is awful, everyone says time so i am waiting. i try to wake up each morning and tell myself that today will be a tiny bit better . i just keep trying , i quess thats all we can do. i know that the early morning and night are the worst for me. i talk to my mom everyday and i pray alot. i ask jesus to replace my heart with joy not sorrow. we just have to keep trying. today i am going to my moms storage place to clean it out, my sibling want stuff so they will be coming also. they do not speak to me so it makes it si much harder. i can only tell you to cry if it makes you feel better and talk as much as you can. coming here helps me to read other peoples stories so i didn't think i am losing my mind.

[roxanne]

Thank you, I have always beenclose with my family, but in the months prior to my faters death a serious grug adiiction forced my family and friends to cut me off. For close to three months no contact, my mom later told me my dad would ask everyday if I called...of course the answer was no. For reasons to intense to grasp I just stopped using. I proved my self and with in the next 3 weeks was at my familys home all the time. My dad had cancer for almost two years, but was beating all expectaions....until one weekend he went to the hospital we took him home 2 wks later and he passed 2 weeks after. Again I was the main caregiver so I had lots of talks with my dad while he never was conscious, and many apologies. It still dosen't comfort me to know that in his last months instead of rejoicing in the life and love we had together I was an awful daughter. I have been clean since 11/05 my dad died in 12/05. I gues that is the best gift I can give to both his memory and for my mommy.

[dpodesta]

Roxanne,

Drug addiction is a desease, even tho you feel like you were being a bad daughter, you were in trapped by the lies that drugs tell you. I know from experience, how the drugs make you feel like you are on top of everything and are in complete control when you really aren't. You were doing the best you could at the time. Thank God, you realized that the drugs aren't the answer. You are right, you have been clean for 9 months which is a mircle in itself. Most do not make it this long, I haven't done drugs since October of 1990, so you can do it. Just keep going one day at a time. The time you remain clean is the best gift you can give to yourself and your parents, they would tell you how proud they are of you right now if they could, they are in heaven right now and they are proud of you. As far as your siblings, just pray for them, that is their loss that they do not have contact with you, that they are not getting to know you as a different perrson. Do not give them the space in your head. I once heard that if you are having a problem with someone just pray for them, you will be surprised with the answers that God will give you.

I love you in Christ and keep doing it one day at a time, one minute at a time if it helps.