Heartbroken, Numb and Can’t Cry

[MamasGirl59]

Sunday morning, I lost my very best friend. Heartbroken is an understatement. I died with her. There are so many things I am grateful for and so many things I am tormented about. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. Life feels so incredibly empty all of a sudden. She was such a fun person and so full of life. She loved to cook and she loved to dance. I can’t even put into words how much she means to me. I’ve been down this road already with my father, and never thought I’d have to do it again so soon. To be honest, I don’t really want to be here anymore but I know I have a baby boy who needs me. I will be the best mother to him because I had the best mother to show me how. She was so excited to be a grandmother and it crushes me that she didn’t really get that chance. I am thankful she got to spend a little time with her grandson. My husband and I have made a promise to make sure she is very much a part of his life. This is going to hit us in waves. I’m not ok, and I don’t think I ever truly will be, but I will just have to learn with being not ok.

I haven’t had a real good cry since my mother passed a couple days ago. She was my world so I don’t understand it. I assumed every morning I would wake up and not want to get out of bed. It makes me think that it’s just going to hit me all at once when I least expect it. I cried a lot when she was here and I watched her get more and more sick. I cried heavily when she died and when they came to take her body. But now I just can’t get anything out. I feel guilty about it. I wonder if my mind is trying to protect me and block everything out. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t really feel gone to me and hasn’t sunk in... I just don’t know 😔. It is making me anxious because I know it’s going to happen and it’s going to hurt like hell when it does.

[MartyT]

Dear one, please be good to yourself at this sad and difficult time, and try not to analyze or pass judgment on how you are reacting to this major loss in your life. You are barely 48 hours into facing the harsh reality of your mother's death, so it is no wonder that you are in a state of shock! This is nature's way of cushioning the blow. After all, this is the one person who has been a part of your life ~ and your very survival ~ since the moment you were conceived! You cannot expect to adjust to the physical absence of your mother in a matter of days, or even weeks, months or years!

I promise you that as long as you give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you feel right now, in this moment, you will get through this, and I assure you that you are not crazy, even though grief can make you feel that way sometimes. Focus on one moment, one hour, one day at a time, doing your best to stay in the here and now, not worrying about what is next. When you feel as if you can't catch your breath, sit quietly and concentrate on doing some deep breathing for a few minutes. That alone can help. Stay hydrated, and don't forget to eat a little something throughout the day, even though you're probably not aware of being hungry. Get plenty of rest, too, and when your little one is down for a nap, make sure that you are napping too. Grief work is some of the hardest work you'll ever have to do, and basic self-care is essential to staying healthy enough so you can do it successfully. 

5 hours ago, MamasGirl59 said:

I haven’t had a real good cry since my mother passed a couple days ago.

See: 

In Grief: When Tears Won’t Come

Finding Crying Time in Grief  and  

Mother Loss: When Can I Think Of Her Without Crying?

5 hours ago, MamasGirl59 said:

I’m not ok, and I don’t think I ever truly will be, but I will just have to learn with being not ok.

And yes, it's okay that you're not okay! (That is, in fact, the title of a very good book by our friend and colleague Megan Devine that you might want to read: It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand.)  ❤️

[kayc]

I have a dear friend who married her first love, they were married well over 50 years...it's been about three years now since he passed and she still hasn't cried.  She misses him and loves him, she's not holding anything in, she also is puzzled as to why no tears.  I would not worry about it.  Quite honestly, so many things can affect how we grieve, it's very individual.  You are very early in the journey, there are no expectations, no one-size-fits-all way about it.  The tears will come when they come...or not.  It is NOT an indicator of how much you love her, no guilt deserved!  

I love how you choose to honor your mom, by raising your son as she raised you, what better honor and compliment could you give her!

I love Megan Devine, her book is a godsend to so many of us!

[MamasGirl59]

@MartyT & @kayc

thank you for the kind words and advice. When people come visit, I feel like they expect me to be a mess but when they see I am not, they think I’m ok. I’m not really ok, it’s just stuck in there somewhere. Granted I haven’t really returned to my normal life yet, and I feel like that’s when it is going to be hardest. That’s when all the times I would call, text or visit my mom are going to be present, and I won’t be able to do it 💔

[MartyT]

You will do it, my dear, as every woman since the beginning of time has found a way to do it. Sooner or later, every single one of us will lose our mother, and one day your precious child will lose you, too. So make the most of the time you have to be the best mother you can be to your own child. I can think of no greater tribute to your own mother than that.

[Bing]

It's been 6 weeks since my dad passed away and I still haven't cried over it. I've had some tears and sad moments. But, every day I get out of bed and do the day. (Not always productively) When I told my sister our dad had died, she let out this heartbroken keen. My brother broke down at the funeral. But, me... I put my hands up and feel emotion, none of which ends with me crying. Initially I thought it just felt too surreal for me to recognize he was gone. But, the weight of his death, while my brain acknowledges it to be true, hasn't really hit me yet and I wonder if it ever will. And perhaps that's just the way of things. Each person has their own expression of grief. And while I think it would be cathartic to have a really good, long cry -- it's just not in the cards for me. But, I know I miss him. For me, I think the missing is more physical than emotional. I miss hugging him or hearing his voice. I feel it deep in my chest. It just doesn't translate to crying. Even now, writing this I'm just getting teary-eyed - so I know I'm in the present and not in denial... but, I just keep chugging along. (Which to be honest is what he would tell me to do) 

The other shoe may drop one day and I hope I'm able to catch it before it hits the ground. But, damn, he would be so mad at me if I just waited around for that shoe instead of trying to live a happy life. I imagine your mom would feel the same. And I feel sure, based on your description, that she would be so proud of you for taking care of your little one and being present. Making sure that her grandchild will know her and the strength of his mother. Because, while a parent's death is expected at some point in a child's life, I don't think we're ever really prepared for it. Someone who has been a primary presence in your life, suddenly takes a different form. And that's hard to process or comprehend. Each of us have to make our own way discovering this new path. And as sure as I'm sitting here, I feel confident that both of us will do our bestest best to honor them and love them until it's our turn to pass the torch.

 

[MamasGirl59]

@Bing thank you, and I am very sorry about your dad’s passing.  I tried to quote something out of your passage but it is tricky to do from my phone. The whole surreal part and how your brain acknowledges it but it hasn’t hit you yet, is exactly how I feel. I know she would want me to go on and be a good mom to Carter and I also know she wished that she would be here for it and that kind of mangles my heart. 
This whole thing has made me think about my own death one day, especially now I that I have a child, which is scary. 

Yesterday, on our way to fill out the death certificate and pick out the urn, I just looked out the window in the car and everything seemed so meaningless (granted I have a son so I know it is not). 

[Beccagirl21]

Hi, I just came across this, and I totally understand where you are coming from. I lost my mother to cancer a little over 5 years from today. I just wanted to you to know I am with you and share a bit of my experience with grieving. When she passed, I was in 9th grade, and I felt like I couldn't press pause with my life. So, I blocked it out, and kept my mind busy. When I tried to think about it, similar to you, not a single tear would drop. I tried writing to her in notebooks, talked to her before I went to sleep at night, and still no tears. Since then, I graduated high school and finished my first year in college. It is only now that I can experience these deep, unresolved feelings. I definitely feel the waves, but it gets a little easier to feel over time. Now when I write to her, I imagine what she might think or say and I sob. I'm not saying these things to make it sound like fearful experience, but you are definitely not alone in nit feeling anything for a while. You got this, and your feelings are completely valid. 

[Bing]

Quote

 

My father's dad passed away very young, when my dad was a teenager.  It pained him that his father wasn't able to know his grandchildren. But, as the granddaughter of the grandfather I never met, I can tell you I think about him often. (Particularly now, given I do believe my dad has reunited with his father after 60 years). My dad enjoyed telling us stories about his parents and grandparents. To the point that I felt I got to know them in their best light, through the eyes of someone who idolized them. It didn't take away the fact that I was sad I never got to meet my grandfather. But, I still feel I knew him and could love him for raising my father as he did and making my dad the best father I could have had. That's the legacy I was left with and one I feel compelled to share. It's now my job to share his stories, so his grandchildren know who they came from and how much he loved them. It's a job I wish I didn't have to do, but one that is the last gift I can give him. 

But, without being overly optimistic about something that is so inexplicable harsh and brutal. It also... just sucks. And while I feel like a 10 year old for saying such a thing, it's the truest thing I can say. It's like a giant vortex that sucks the air out of room, the heat from your body, and removes the color from the sky.  The father of a very old friend of mine has cancer and while we were talking the other day, she asked me how I was doing. I got the impression that she was trying to come to terms with her own situation and the very real possibility that her father may leave her soon. I tried really hard to think of some words that would be comforting. I've told many that I was lucky to have my father in my life as long as I did. That is true. But it doesn't acknowledge the reality of the situation and I felt it was important to be honest with her. So, I told her it sucks. Quite a few times actually. While I feel responsible for carrying on his legacy and I am grateful to have such a legacy to share, it doesn't change the fact that it's mind-numblingly awful and will always be mind-numblingly awful. And although some days I feel that I can find joy in sharing him with others, there are other days when it simply ... sucks. 

I'm sorry for babbling here. I'm still trying to sort myself out. In trying to give you some thoughts that make this less horrible, it just proves to me that it can't be done. Your mother loved you. My dad loved me. It just makes it that much harder to support ourselves now that they're gone. It's a blessing and a curse. But, I think we both appreciate the fact that it was such a blessing.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Bing said:

I've told many that I was lucky to have my father in my life as long as I did. That is true. But it doesn't acknowledge the reality of the situation and I felt it was important to be honest with her. So, I told her it sucks. Quite a few times actually. While I feel responsible for carrying on his legacy and I am grateful to have such a legacy to share, it doesn't change the fact that it's mind-numblingly awful and will always be mind-numblingly awful.

I applaud you for being honest with your friend. Losing a parent you love so dearly IS mind-numbingly awful and always will be, and that's the truth. She will discover that soon enough when her own father dies, and she will appreciate your truthfulness. ❤️

[Kieron]

12 hours ago, Bing said:

I'm sorry for babbling here. I'm still trying to sort myself out. In trying to give you some thoughts that make this less horrible, it just proves to me that it can't be done.

I think it makes perfect sense.  As a writer, I struggle often with coming up with the right words, and you have laid out some lovely turns of phrase in just a few posts, already!

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Beccagirl21 said:

Hi, I just came across this, and I totally understand where you are coming from. I lost my mother to cancer a little over 5 years from today. I just wanted to you to know I am with you and share a bit of my experience with grieving. When she passed, I was in 9th grade, and I felt like I couldn't press pause with my life. So, I blocked it out, and kept my mind busy. When I tried to think about it, similar to you, not a single tear would drop. I tried writing to her in notebooks, talked to her before I went to sleep at night, and still no tears. Since then, I graduated high school and finished my first year in college. It is only now that I can experience these deep, unresolved feelings. I definitely feel the waves, but it gets a little easier to feel over time. Now when I write to her, I imagine what she might think or say and I sob. I'm not saying these things to make it sound like fearful experience, but you are definitely not alone in nit feeling anything for a while. You got this, and your feelings are completely valid. 

thank you for sharing this.  I'm glad you're processing it now.  Grief stays with us whether acknowledged or not, I remember someone here who posted that they lost their fiance when they were young and TWENTY YEARS went by...fast forward, he's married with children, and all of a sudden the grief hit!  I'm sure it was surprising to his wife!  But grief is like that if not dealt with, it does not simply go away if ignored.

[kayc]

@Bing Thank you for sharing.  It was good to hear that you think about your grandfather often, my own dad died before my kids were born, I shared stories about him with them when they were growing up, so that gave me some consolation.  I do wish they could have known him in person.