Relationship ended due to that she lost her father

[CommanderCody]

Anyway I told this to my dad and he told me that I shouldn't even care anymore right now -- that If she messages or not, then fine  let it be. That's what he told me. That if it were up to him, I shouldn't even bother dropping Alek a message in the future especially greeting her a Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve. He even told me that just because I ignored her message last time doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore. He also said that Of course we're still friends, I'm not just obligated to reply to her and that's okay according to him. But then again I asked him what about what she's gonna be feeling that I ignored her and maybe because of that she won't message me anytime soon, and he said " if she won't then act like you don't care. You're showing to her now that you're not interested anymore " And one last thing, he even agrees that this is really gonna be a sided thing also ( obviously ). That the time we went out last week was an eye opener for me because he even said that I realized the changes ( no more holding hands, no more sweetness, random taking a picture of both of us, etc... ) and that's all the closure I needed according to him. He even told me that I shouldn't hope anymore that even when she said she still wants to work out the relationship, I should just let it go...

[kayc]

Past behavior is the predictor of future behavior.  You owe her nothing.  You're very nice, now be nice to YOU!  I know, not how we're wired, we're used to being sensitive & caring about others, and doesn't mean you can't be much later on, but right now you need to heal.

I've noticed over the last ten years my "friendship" with Jim has been on HIS terms, when HE wants to talk, etc.  Sometimes good to realize this is one sided.  He used to be more two way, but not lately.

[CommanderCody]

You're very right. I know Ive said this a lot but I really do have to accept that it's time to move on whether I like it or not. Regardless if she wants to try to work out the relationship -- even though there's nothing much for me if I stick around...

I will keep you posted in the future about my progress or if anything else happens! Thank you very much, Kay C. 

[selena1988]

2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

You're very right. I know Ive said this a lot but I really do have to accept that it's time to move on whether I like it or not. Regardless if she wants to try to work out the relationship -- even though there's nothing much for me if I stick around...

I will keep you posted in the future about my progress or if anything else happens! Thank you very much, Kay C. 

I understand that cutting ties is difficult. There's a reason why relationship counselors compare it to "letting go of a drug addiction."

I feel that both your father and your friend have provided sound advice. For the time being, I feel "time heals all wounds" is the motto to live by. Every time you respond to Alek or her family, you prolong the pain. 

Perhaps sending her a carefully drafted e-mail is the way to go. I just ask myself whether it's worth it. Most likely it may lead to some sort of discussion from her end, and do you need that right now?

If I were in your shoes I'd probably send her something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'm going through a difficult time and need some space to focus on my own well-being. I appreciate everything she taught me and the moments we shared. I wish her and her family all the best moving forward. " 

If she cares, she'll understand where your coming from. As Kay Ce rightly said; she knows how to look after herself. Now you need to do the same.

 

[CommanderCody]

11 hours ago, selena1988 said:

If I were in your shoes I'd probably send her something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'm going through a difficult time and need some space to focus on my own well-being. I appreciate everything she taught me and the moments we shared. I wish her and her family all the best moving forward. " 

As much as I wanted to do this, telling her that I need to move on and heal myself right now so that she would understand better and not think that I'm purposely ignoring her, but isn't ignoring her enough to let her feel that I'm moving on in my life? 

 

11 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Most likely it may lead to some sort of discussion from her end, and do you need that right now?

This is what @kaychas told me about that I don't really need to explain myself as it would just open to a discussion. 

But I want you to read this paragraph that I've posted on page 4 -- this is about the time back September when I ignored her for 3 days

" Is it really okay that I didn't discuss with her that I would be choosing myself now and move on? Cause I feel like she needs to hear that from me since we both agreed to work out the relationship again last month. When we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, on the same week I didn't talk to her for 3 days for a specific reason and she messaged me saying that she thought we both agreed to work out the relationship and that she wants a reply so atleast she knows where she stands. And of course I replied and we both talked about it. I said to her " I've thought about it and I do want to work this relationship out. " She then said " If you wanted space, you could have just said so. It would have hurt less " That's why I feel like she needs to hear it from me this time -- not suddenly disappear. "

most of the people I've consulted with -- my father, my bestfriend, my aunt, and Kay C, have all said that I dont have to tell her that. Ignoring her and making her feel I'm moving in is enough for her to feel that I'm moving forward. 

[kayc]

I'm the kind that lets people know what to expect upfront, but in lieu of that, she already broke up with you and has ignored you for over a week so I don't think she can expect anything less from you in response!

[selena1988]

9 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

As much as I wanted to do this, telling her that I need to move on and heal myself right now so that she would understand better and not think that I'm purposely ignoring her, but isn't ignoring her enough to let her feel that I'm moving on in my life? 

 

This is what @kaychas told me about that I don't really need to explain myself as it would just open to a discussion. 

But I want you to read this paragraph that I've posted on page 4 -- this is about the time back September when I ignored her for 3 days

" Is it really okay that I didn't discuss with her that I would be choosing myself now and move on? Cause I feel like she needs to hear that from me since we both agreed to work out the relationship again last month. When we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, on the same week I didn't talk to her for 3 days for a specific reason and she messaged me saying that she thought we both agreed to work out the relationship and that she wants a reply so atleast she knows where she stands. And of course I replied and we both talked about it. I said to her " I've thought about it and I do want to work this relationship out. " She then said " If you wanted space, you could have just said so. It would have hurt less " That's why I feel like she needs to hear it from me this time -- not suddenly disappear. "

most of the people I've consulted with -- my father, my bestfriend, my aunt, and Kay C, have all said that I dont have to tell her that. Ignoring her and making her feel I'm moving in is enough for her to feel that I'm moving forward. 

In my opinion, there's no right or wrong here, I'd encoruage you to do what you feel comfortable with. 

I agree with Kay C ,I definetely don't feel like you owe her any explanation, and as we all agree; this is ultimately Aleks' decision. 

That said, if you feel like a final text will help you feel comfortable, listen to your gut feeling. Just be aware as we all point out, it can lead to a discussion and create more guilt.

Again, we can only provide our input, you know her the best. If you feel she would accept a text like that without arguing, perhaps it's worth it. On the other hand, if she turns it into a guilt trip, maybe not. 

I definetely think ignoring her will send the right message, and I agree with everyone that you’ve done more than enough. However, if you feel guilty every time she reaches out, and you feel this is something that will stick,then maybe a short explanation will help.

 

[CommanderCody]

1 hour ago, selena1988 said:

If you feel she would accept a text like that without arguing, perhaps it's worth it. On the other hand, if she turns it into a guilt trip, maybe not. 

I feel she needs to hear something from me that I have decided to move on. As much as I wanted to ignore her just like that, I know an explanation would at least be the proper way to do it ( in my opinion ). Just like when she was asking for space few months back, she would tell me -- not suddenly disappearing, so that I wouldnt think or worry too much as why she is not responding or talking to me. I think she will understand if I try to explain it to her, but there's a part of me that's saying that my explanation would turn against me and I will be looking the bad guy here.

But then again, I know I don't owe her anything. My actions says it out loud. 

The reason Ive decided to move on now is because when she didnt talk to me for 9 days from Dec 1 - Dec 10, thats when I realized she will only talk to me when its convenient for her. And when we went out last time, I can clearly see how everything changed. We weren't holding hands while walking, no more taking random pictures of us both, and being intimately close with each other. I cant continue working out the relationship if its going to be like this. Its going to be difficult. If she or you're wondering " why wont you reach out first?" well Im still respecting her wish as to giving her space. If she wants to change that, she can say so.

I'm just thinking to myself what if she thought that the reason I wont respond to her is because I'm still expecting something from her and when I failed to meet my expectation, I suddenly disappeared? For example : not talking to me longer than 5 days. And when she didn't and messaged me after 9 days, I just ignored her because I then knew this is mostly on her terms and when its convenient for her. Because for a fact I know she doesnt want any expectations right now. Am I wrong thinking this?

 

[selena1988]

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

I feel she needs to hear something from me that I have decided to move on. As much as I wanted to ignore her just like that, I know an explanation would at least be the proper way to do it ( in my opinion ). Just like when she was asking for space few months back, she would tell me -- not suddenly disappearing, so that I wouldnt think or worry too much as why she is not responding or talking to me. I think she will understand if I try to explain it to her, but there's a part of me that's saying that my explanation would turn on me and I will be looking the bad guy here.

But then again, I know I don't owe her anything. My actions says it out loud. 

The reason Ive decided to move on now is because when she didnt talk to me for 9 days from Dec 1 - Dec 10, thats when I realized she will only talk to me when its convenient for her. I cant continue working out the relationship if its going to be like this. Its going to be difficult. If she or you're wondering " why wont you reach out first?" well Im still respecting her wish as to giving her space. If she wants to change that, she can say so.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't catch the part about her 'ignoring' you. 

In your post you said she told you she needed space in September, but she clearly didn't do that this time around. Her actions speaks louder than words. 

She doesn't want a relationship like everyone and you say, she wants a backup plan. 

Honestly, I feel this clarification changed my opinion; I feel you shouldn't respond or reach out to her. 

[CommanderCody]

25 minutes ago, selena1988 said:

I'm sorry, I didn't catch the part about her 'ignoring' you. 

In your post you said she told you she needed space in September, but she clearly didn't do that this time around. Her actions speaks louder than words.

Can we really say that she did ignore me for those 9 days that we didn't talk to each other? Because Ive been told that each grievers have a different way of coping up and it really depends on how they feel. Im just thinking what if she just didnt feel talking to me in those 9 days? Is that a valid question?

In my opinion also, I still should be giving her space until now whether she asks for it or not. That's why I have said if she wants to change things, she could say so. If she doesnt want space now, she could say so. But she didnt say anything about what she wants. That's why Im still giving her space and why Im not reaching out to her. But when she did reached out to me after 9 days, I thought to myself that maybe that's enough because that's a long period of time of not talking to each other when we both have decided to work things out. 

2 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I'm just thinking to myself what if she thought that the reason I wont respond to her is because I'm still expecting something from her and when I failed to meet my expectation, I suddenly disappeared? For example : not talking to me longer than 5 days. And when she didn't and messaged me after 9 days, I just ignored her because I then knew this is mostly on her terms and when its convenient for her. Because for a fact I know she doesnt want any expectations right now. Am I wrong thinking this?

Can I hear your opinion about this?

And I also want to add : 

when we have decided last month to work out the relationship again, I have told her that we should focus on our priorities right now and she agreed. Now Im just thinking, is there any reason for me not to be disappointed if she didnt reach out to me for 9 days when I am the one who had said that we should focus on our priorities? 

[selena1988]

38 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

Can we really say that she did ignore me for those 9 days that we didn't talk to each other? Because Ive been told that each grievers have a different way of coping up and it really depends on how they feel. Im just thinking what if she just didnt feel talking to me in those 9 days? Is that a valid question?

In my opinion also, I still should be giving her space until now whether she asks for it or not. That's why I have said if she wants to change things, she could say so. If she doesnt want space now, she could say so. But she didnt say anything about what she wants. That's why Im still giving her space and why Im not reaching out to her. But when she did reached out to me after 9 days, I thought to myself that maybe that's enough because that's a long period of time of not talking to each other when we both have decided to work things out. 

Can I hear your opinion about this?

And I also want to add : 

when we have decided last month to work out the relationship again, I have told her that we should focus on our priorities right now and she agreed. Now Im just thinking, is there any reason for me not to be disappointed if she didnt reach out to me for 9 days when I am the one who had said that we should focus on our priorities? 

I feel that Kay C has provided some sound advice and perspective on the grieving process. Personally, I try to refrain from judging others, because

a) You can't control external factors (i.e Alek) 

and 

b) You need to listen to your gut feeling 

I feel that a lot of your thoughts and reactions are based on what you THINK Alek may or may not feel, and there's very less focus on how you feel. 

So far I have gathered this much; 

1. You feel she's not treating you right 

2) You want to be with someone you can be with long-terms

3) Her actions doesn't give you a lot of confidence about the future prospects with her

Let me ask you this: let's say she reaches out. You respond, you two start talking again, then she disappears again- will that leave you in a different spot down the line? 

Look, I understand that she's your first love, and that first love is always difficult to get over. That said, they're often first loves for a reason; we learn, we grow, we build. 

Honestly speaking, I feel it's not constructive to answer "would she feel this, could she think like that. " She might or she might not. At the end of the day, the only person who can provide these answers is Alek, and she has decided not to. That leaves you with basically no other choice than using your own feelings to navigate. Not to sound like a broken record, but if she cared, she wouldn't leave you hanging. She wouldn't stop talking with you for nine full days. I'm sorry, I know that's painful to hear, and not what you want to hear, but that's my honest opinion. 

As my dad once wisely said; you can always make exuces for someone, but at some point you need to ask yourself; should you have to? 

Sure, she's going through a tough time, and I feel for her, but truthfully, as much as her mourning makes everything difficult, so does her communication style and attachment style. I recommend that you read up on assertive communication and attachment styles. These patterns are difficult to change, and the way she reacts, makes me doubt her ability to handle crisis in general. 

Again, this is not me judging HER, but looking at her traits and reaction patterns. I still feel that giving her the silent treatment is the best thing to. If you start communicating again you basically show her two things. 1: She can handle you however she wants. 2: There’s no need for her to communicate well, because once she starts communicating anything, you'll welcome her with open arms.

That said, the decision is yours. You need to decide what matters for you and act accordingly. No one of us can tell you how to decide on that, that's a decision you need to make on your own. 

 

 

 

 

[CommanderCody]

10 hours ago, selena1988 said:

So far I have gathered this much; 

1. You feel she's not treating you right 

2) You want to be with someone you can be with long-terms

3) Her actions doesn't give you a lot of confidence about the future prospects with her

1. Yes. But I can't blame her that she can't treat me right right now because she is emotionally unavailable. 

2. Of course. Even before the pre-grief stage, we both discussed that we want our relationship to be a long-term relationship. Funny how it turned out. 

3. Yeah... I know she's trying her best and I appreciate her for trying but unfortunately I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship... I don't even know why is there a part of me that's slightly holding on...

10 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Let me ask you this: let's say she reaches out. You respond, you two start talking again, then she disappears again- will that leave you in a different spot down the line?

It would probably leave me as that same " fool " guy who chose to give many chances but can't choose himself. I don't want to be that guy...

10 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Sure, she's going through a tough time, and I feel for her, but truthfully, as much as her mourning makes everything difficult, so does her communication style and attachment style. I recommend that you read up on assertive communication and attachment styles. These patterns are difficult to change, and the way she reacts, makes me doubt her ability to handle crisis in general. 

Whenever I talk to myself about this situation, I would always say that " bro it's better you found about this early rather than going 2-3 years or more deep in the relationship then finding out this is how she responds to crisis in her life. That would've hurt more. " I really see this a blessing but just can't slightly accept the fact that it had to happen to us... I'm just a little frustrated because I thought this is the love I've been waiting for. Everything was in sync especially before and after we became a couple.

 

10 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Not to sound like a broken record, but if she cared, she wouldn't leave you hanging. She wouldn't stop talking with you for nine full days. I'm sorry, I know that's painful to hear, and not what you want to hear, but that's my honest opinion. 

I would convince myself that maybe she's just busy at her new job or she has been thinking too much about the problems in her personal life that's why she doesn't have time for me and since I know that fixing the relationship isn't the main priority right now, I have to understand why she hasn't reached out yet. But then again, if she does wants to fix the relationship, I would somehow feel it... but in those 9 days that we haven't talked ,I didn't feel anything emotionally towards the relationship except that I missed her. I just did what would any person who is grieving would do, try to move on. And once she did reach out after 9 days, it then hit me that she will be only talking to me when it's convenient for her. It sucks it had to be that way. 

 

 

10 hours ago, selena1988 said:

If you start communicating again you basically show her two things. 1: She can handle you however she wants. 2: There’s no need for her to communicate well, because once she starts communicating anything, you'll welcome her with open arms.

Yeah, that what's exactly going to happen if I tolerate that attitude. As much as I love her, I can't allow someone to treat me as an option. I know my worth and what I can offer to the table but allowing someone to go and come back whenever they want isn't one of them. But what if the time we didn't talk for 9 days was just her wanting her space? would it make a difference?

 

Yesterday when me and my family drove by to the places where Alek and I had our first date and where we ate dinner the last time we saw each other, I didn't hold back my tears. The sentimental value on those places are just too heavy for me. After a while, I looked myself up in the mirror and I said  " hey im proud of you for overcoming your fears. I know you've been avoiding going back here but I'm proud for the courage you had to do so. " 

I know what I have to do, my eyes are wide open, but something is holding me back. Maybe it's the happy memories, the laughs we both have shared together, the promises we've mentioned.  My father told me to let go the hope of the relationship going back to once it was and he is right. I know to continue this would put me in a disadvantage, not just emotionally but as a whole person. And I should respect myself enough to not let that happen.

I just want to ask, how can we both keep our friendship intact if I decide to move on? or should I let life handle it? 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Because Ive been told that each grievers have a different way of coping

This is true.  That said, HOWEVER, learning THEIR way of coping may not be conducive to having a relationship with them and I choose to look for what I need in a relationship or forego it!  If they cut us out when they're grieving, we have every right to realize they are not for us!!!

IF you create the space/time YOU need to heal, then later on you & her may decide to be friends, but it will only work if you both agree to it and want the same thing...if someone is secretly hoping for something more, friendship will not be possible as it could lead to manipulation, uncomfortableness on the part of the other.

You do not owe her anything.  You do what makes you comfortable, but understand that in breaking no contact at this point could set you back considerably, even this early on.  It takes months, possibly years, before healing to where you're ready for friendship, if ever.  Do not worry about that right now.  Right now focus on healing yourself.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I can't blame her that she can't treat me right right now because she is emotionally unavailable. 

There is a far cry from laying blame to realizing the consequence of one's actions, they are real and palpable, grieving or not.

[selena1988]

7 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

1. Yes. But I can't blame her that she can't treat me right right now because she is emotionally unavailable. 

2. Of course. Even before the pre-grief stage, we both discussed that we want our relationship to be a long-term relationship. Funny how it turned out. 

3. Yeah... I know she's trying her best and I appreciate her for trying but unfortunately I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship... I don't even know why is there a part of me that's slightly holding on...

It would probably leave me as that same " fool " guy who chose to give many chances but can't choose himself. I don't want to be that guy...

Whenever I talk to myself about this situation, I would always say that " bro it's better you found about this early rather than going 2-3 years or more deep in the relationship then finding out how she responds to crisis in her life. That would've hurt more. " I really see this a blessing but just can't slightly accept the fact that it had to happen... 

 

I would convince myself that maybe she's just busy at her new job or she has been thinking too much about the problems in her personal life that's why she doesn't have time for me and since I know that fixing the relationship isn't the main priority right now, I have to understand why she hasn't reached out yet. But then again, if she does wants to fix the relationship, I would somehow feel it... but in those 9 days that we haven't talked ,I didn't feel anything emotionally towards the relationship except that I missed her. I just did what would any person who is grieving would do, try to move on. And once she did reach out after 9 days, it then hit me that she will be only talking to me when it's convenient for her. It sucks it had to be that way. 

 

 

Yeah, that what's exactly going to happen if I tolerate that attitude. As much as I love her, I can't allow someone to treat me as an option. I know my worth and what I can offer to the table but allowing someone to go and come back whenever they want isn't one of them. But what if the time we didn't talk for 9 days was just her wanting her space? would it make a difference?

 

Yesterday when me and my family drove by to the places where Alek and I had our first date and when we ate dinner the last time we saw each other, I didn't hold back my tears. The sentimental value on those places are just too heavy for me. After a while, I looked myself up in the mirror and I said  " hey im proud of you for overcoming your fears. I know you've been avoiding going back here but I'm proud for the courage you had to do so. " 

I know what I have to do, my eyes are wide open, but something is holding me back.  My father told me to let go the hope of the relationship going back to once it was and he is right. I know to continue this would put me in a disadvantage, not just emotionally but as a whole person. And I should respect myself enough to not let that happen. I just want to ask, how can we both keep our friendship intact if I decide to move on? or should I let life handle it? 

1. In my opinion, mourning/depression, is not an exuce to treat people poorly, especially not your loved ones. Does that mean that she can't have an off day or off moments? Of course not. What it means though, is that although she has her bad days, she doesn't checked out completely. Imagine if you had a family with her, would it be okay for her to neglect her kids too?

3. I'm sorry, but to me it doesn't sound like she's trying. If she at least said: "You know what, I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but please know that I need you", or any kind of acknowledgement, that would be trying. She's just silent and distant, and that's not how you treat someone you want to build a future with. I understand that she's overwhelmed, but in that case, she needs to ask for support. My boyfriend and I saw a therapist together, and he was as open to the idea that I was. My point is; it's okay to not know how to handle things, but it's not okay to neglect someone for months. 

Maybe you should ask yourself, why are you that guy right now? Why do you feel that you should put up with her behaviour? I had an ex-boyfriend who turned hot and cold too. It was an emotional turmoil and I stayed way longer than I should have. I used to make up all these exuces for him; "he's just not emotionally available", "he's struggling right now" and "I'm sure if I only provide him more space.

It took me months in therapy to realize this; 

1. Life is tough, and we're all responsible for the decisions we make. As much as you want to be there for someone, you can't save them. That's their job.

2. I'm a good person and I deserve a good partner that builds a future WITH me, rather than his future. I deserve someone who gives me time and attention and who makes me feel safe. Sure, there will be times when all of us are less emotionally available, however, that doesn't make it allright to check out of the relationship. 

3. I need someone who can be there for me through everything. That's why the wedding wovs are the way they are; thick/thin  // sickness/in health. To quote my boyfriend: my value as a boyfriend, a finance and a husband is linked to how I support you during your darkest times. I'd like to add: also how he allows me to support him. 

Even if someone needs space, they need to communicate that. And sorry, but no text for nine days? Not even a good morning? I understand that hardcore relationship talk is difficult (although my boyfriend and I still have those conversations too), but light-headed, easy conversations? I definetely feel that if she wanted you badly in her life she wouldn't go nine days without communicating with you.

I think that if you two are going to have any chances of getting back together or even being friends down the line, you need to work on yourself first. You need to figure out your priorities, your value, and get over the mourning of what was. Only then you can start communicating on new terms with a fresh mindset.

Remaining friends with an ex is always hard, especially initially. It will slow down the recovery process, because it's likely that some feelings will keep on lingering.

If you’re meant to be friends, you can pick up that thread down the line. However, for the time being, I feel you make justice to both her and yourself by letting yourself heal first. 

 

 

[CommanderCody]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

you do not owe her anything.  You do what makes you comfortable, but understand that in breaking no contact at this point could set you back considerably, even this early on.  It takes months, possibly years, before healing to where you're ready for friendship, if ever.  Do not worry about that right now.  Right now focus on healing yourself

It has been 5 days since she last reached out to me asking " Hey, how are you?" and 14 days in total that we haven't really talked. Last Sunday when I posted an instagram story about spending the day with my family, her big sister replied to it with this 😍 emoji and I replied with " Hi! Thanks for reacting " and she replied with " Beautiful family!!! God bless you! " and I replied and we ended the conversation. My point is her sister is still reaching out to me even tho she knows that Alek and I broke up. Alek viewed my stories but I stopped viewing Alek's stories as I don't want to know what's going on in her life right now, and that I'm going no contact. 

Alek mentioned to me back October that she resumed talking to her best friend after 3 months of not talking to each to other. Because that best friend of hers went through the same thing as she is going through right now and when she reached out to her, they acted like nothing happened and there were no hard feelings. I'm thinking that maybe Alek does get it as why I'm not responding to her right now and maybe in the future there will be no hard feelings if we get to talk to each other about why I stopped talking to her. 

[CommanderCody]

To avoid confusion, I want you to understand that when we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, she already asked me for space then. But the thing is, we would still talk on a daily basis from Sep 15 - Oct 18, saying good morning's and good night's, just like what we were doing when we're still a couple. The problem is that I don't know when to give her the space she wants if we are continuing talking regularly and when we got into an argument last Oct 18 that resulted her wanting even more space, that's when we stopped talking on a daily basis, no more good morning's or good night's. That's the time I know when to give her the space she needs since we're not talking on a daily basis. 

20 hours ago, selena1988 said:

"You know what, I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but please know that I need you"

 

She has mentioned this to me back October when we gave each other space for 1 month ( but she would reach out first and we would talk atleast once or twice a week ) from Oct 18 - Nov 17. The only difference is that she never said that " please know that I need you " she said something close to " I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but the only way I know how to cope is to cope it by myself " 

 

20 hours ago, selena1988 said:

1. Life is tough, and we're all responsible for the decisions we make. As much as you want to be there for someone, you can't save them. That's their job.

2. I'm a good person and I deserve a good partner that builds a future WITH me, rather than his future. I deserve someone who gives me time and attention and who makes me feel safe. Sure, there will be times when all of us are less emotionally available, however, that doesn't make it allright to check out of the relationship. 

3. I need someone who can be there for me through everything. That's why the wedding wovs are the way they are; thick/thin  // sickness/in health. To quote my boyfriend: my value as a boyfriend, a finance and a husband is linked to how I support you during your darkest times. I'd like to add: also how he allows me to support him.

1. I know that I can't save her. She also knows that she is the only one who can save herself and I respected that when we took space for a month last October. When we agreed to work out the relationship again last November, I was slightly hoping to see that she's really into making this work. She tried when we went out last time. You could read my story on page 3 I think about when we went to the mall. 

2. Me too. I just find it so funny because before when we were just courting each other, she told me that she feels sorry for me for all the pain I've been through the past and my efforts were not acknowledge by the previous girls I've dated. I BELIEVED when she told me that she won't do those things to me. When we talked last month about working out the relationship, she said to me that she's appreciative of me for the support I've been giving her even she had hurt me. It was never her intention to hurt me. You could read that on page 2 or 3 I think. 

3. Yeah, I'd rather be with someone also who's willing to go through thick and thin with me. I'm just really surprised that she had to cut me off, but that decision of hers to cut me off was a hard decision for her. I saw it when we talked about it via video call. She was crying. If I only knew the right words to say at that time maybe we could have avoided not breaking up.

20 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Even if someone needs space, they need to communicate that. And sorry, but no text for nine days? Not even a good morning? I understand that hardcore relationship talk is difficult (although my boyfriend and I still have those conversations too), but light-headed, easy conversations? I definetely feel that if she wanted you badly in her life she wouldn't go nine days without communicating with you.

Even if she did take her space in those 9 days, isn't it enough that she communicated it with me back October 18 when we've decided to give each other space? I'm just thinking that she's really busy or thinking too much about her personal problems that she doesn't have time to talk to me. Yes, we stopped saying good morning to each other back when we gave each other space for a month last Oct 18. We would usually start our conversations since then in a " Hey, how are you?" Yes, I agree with you on that. I've been on the receiving end of that where in there was a time where I would only talk to someone when it's convenient for me. I guess it came back to bite me in the ass.

 

20 hours ago, selena1988 said:

Remaining friends with an ex is always hard, especially initially. It will slow down the recovery process, because it's likely that some feelings will keep on lingering.

True that. When we went out last time, the following day I cried because it hurts me knowing that we weren't that couple that we used to be before. We went out just as casual friends without any close intimate gestures with each other ( for example : holding hands ) and I think that's just what she wants as of the moment. 

 

20 hours ago, selena1988 said:

If you’re meant to be friends, you can pick up that thread down the line. However, for the time being, I feel you make justice to both her and yourself by letting yourself heal first.

5 days of no contact and 14 days of literally without a casual conversation with each other. I think I need to continue this now and I can feel it that I'm healing one day at a time. 

[CommanderCody]

On 12/13/2020 at 9:01 AM, selena1988 said:

There's a reason why relationship counselors compare it to "letting go of a drug addiction."

I have just finished watching a TED Talk about How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. He did mention that people who are going through heart breaks are similar to those addicts that stopped using drugs. I've realized I'm going through a withdrawal and every time I keep in touch with her or check her social media, I just feed my mind the " drug " it needs. He also stated that it can be difficult on avoiding not to reminisce on the good memories but we need to balance it out -- we also need to remind ourselves why we're not good for them, their bad qualities, the fights or bad arguments, anything that can help us to see why the breakup is a blessing in disguise. 

There are a lot he said but these are the ones that really got stuck on my mind. 

[kayc]

23 hours ago, selena1988 said:

In my opinion, mourning/depression, is not an exuce to treat people poorly, especially not your loved ones.

Exactly!  In my books too!  Not acceptable in a partner I'D want!

23 hours ago, selena1988 said:

If you’re meant to be friends, you can pick up that thread down the line. However, for the time being, I feel you make justice to both her and yourself by letting yourself heal first. 

I agree.

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

isn't it enough that she communicated it with me back October 18 when we've decided to give each other space?

It's not a once for all get out of jail free card!  This can't go on indefinitely, not if you value yourself.

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I think I need to continue this now and I can feel it that I'm healing one day at a time. 

THIS!

[selena1988]

10 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I have just finished watching a TED Talk about How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. He did mention that people who are going through heart breaks are similar to those addicts that stopped using drugs. I've realized I'm going through a withdrawal and every time I keep in touch with her or check her social media, I just feed my mind the " drug " it needs. He also stated that it can be difficult on avoiding not to reminisce on the good memories but we need to balance it out -- we also need to remind ourselves why we're not good for them, their bad qualities, the fights or bad arguments, anything that can help us to see why the breakup is a blessing in disguise. 

There are a lot he said but these are the ones that really got stuck on my mind. 

Thanks for mentioning this, I'd love to check it out, given that I'm fascinated by how heartache can overwhelm us.

I can very much relate to what you're describing. The only way to get the addiction under control is to refrain from anything that triggers it for some time.

If I can suggest something, it would be to check out Love Advice TV on YouTube. I really love their advice on how to move on.

Wish you all the best in your recovery.💞

[selena1988]

11 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

To avoid confusion, I want you to understand that when we broke up last September and agreed to work out the relationship the following day, she already asked me for space then. But the thing is, we would still talk on a daily basis from Sep 15 - Oct 18, saying good morning's and good night's, just like what we were doing when we're still a couple. The problem is that I don't know when to give her the space she wants if we are continuing talking regularly and when we got into an argument last Oct 18 that resulted her wanting even more space, that's when we stopped talking on a daily basis, no more good morning's or good night's. That's the time I know when to give her the space she needs since we're not talking on a daily basis. 

 

She has mentioned this to me back October when we gave each other space for 1 month ( but she would reach out first and we would talk atleast once or twice a week ) from Oct 18 - Nov 17. The only difference is that she never said that " please know that I need you " she said something close to " I'm really struggling right now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, but the only way I know how to cope is to cope it by myself " 

 

1. I know that I can't save her. She also knows that she is the only one who can save herself and I respected that when we took space for a month last October. When we agreed to work out the relationship again last November, I was slightly hoping to see that she's really into making this work. She tried when we went out last time. You could read my story on page 3 I think about when we went to the mall. 

2. Me too. I just find it so funny because before when we were just courting each other, she told me that she feels sorry for me for all the pain I've been through the past and my efforts were not acknowledge by the previous girls I've dated. I BELIEVED when she told me that she won't do those things to me. When we talked last month about working out the relationship, she said to me that she's appreciative of me for the support I've been giving her even she had hurt me. It was never her intention to hurt me. You could read that on page 2 or 3 I think. 

3. Yeah, I'd rather be with someone also who's willing to go through thick and thin with me. I'm just really surprised that she had to cut me off, but that decision of hers to cut me off was a hard decision for her. I saw it when we talked about it via video call. She was crying. If I only knew the right words to say at that time maybe we could have avoided not breaking up.

Even if she did take her space in those 9 days, isn't it enough that she communicated it with me back October 18 when we've decided to give each other space? I'm just thinking that she's really busy or thinking too much about her personal problems that she doesn't have time to talk to me. Yes, we stopped saying good morning to each other back when we gave each other space for a month last Oct 18. We would usually start our conversations since then in a " Hey, how are you?" Yes, I agree with you on that. I've been on the receiving end of that where in there was a time where I would only talk to someone when it's convenient for me. I guess it came back to bite me in the ass.

 

True that. When we went out last time, the following day I cried because it hurts me knowing that we weren't that couple that we used to be before. We went out just as casual friends without any close intimate gestures with each other ( for example : holding hands ) and I think that's just what she wants as of the moment. 

 

5 days of no contact and 14 days of literally without a casual conversation with each other. I think I need to continue this now and I can feel it that I'm healing one day at a time. 

 

Thank you for providing additional details - that's helpful. That said, I feel my point still remains; she needs to save herself (and part of that is to get better at communicating). Communicating that you have a difficult time and need space is not the way to build a future with someone. It's basically her molding her own recovery/future without including you in it.

Again, all people are different, but I just want to share my boyfriend's approach (just to illustrate the difference): As I've mentioned he's in his country of origin at the time being, and has stayed there since his mother's passing. He told me that going back to the States will probably trigger it's own set of emotions, and I wanted to show that I respect if he needed a few days alone upon arrival, however, his immediate response was; I'd love to have you around during my time of need. He was very honest about how he knows he'll react in some way, and I really appreciate that. I'd love to be there for him, but more importantly, I love that although he struggles, he allows me to be there for him. That's the kind of husband I want, and down the line, the kind of life partner you deserve as well.

As many people have pointed out previously, I don't think you should kill yourself over "perhaps saying the wrong thing." 

Look, I probably say "wrong" things to my boyfriend all the time, but as he says, at the end of the day it's the commitment, it's me caring, that matters. To be blunt, this is about her, not you. Even if you could have worded yourself differently, that doesn't mean that you're wrong. You did your best given the amount of information you had at the time. That's all you can do. Neither can you be so worried about saying the wrong things to scare her way. A relationship is not the place you feel like walking on egg shells.

By all means, I'm sure she's a great girl given your care for her, but she definitely has some work to put in to be able to work in a long term relationship.

You're ready, committed and willing, she's just not there, and as you said, it's better to find out now than five months down the track. I'm sure you'll make one lucky girl very happy one day, just remember, there are two people in a relationship, and although you want to give up everything for someone, it's not healthy or in any way attractive. Spend this time on your passions and increase your own value in your own mind. You're wayyy more amazing than you feel right now.

 

[CommanderCody]

16 hours ago, selena1988 said:

A relationship is not the place you feel like walking on egg shells.

This. This is what I have been feeling most of the time whenever I am talking to her. I usually filter my words and analyze each word if they are going to offend her or she will take it in a different way. To be honest it's very exhausting that I overthink each sentence before I even send them. I usually think " everything has to be right or at least great as not to offend her because she is sensitive right now".

I'm really happy how you and your boyfriend are handling the relationship right now. How I wish she had been like that to me. That said, I don't have much more to say about my situation right now as you and @kaychave provided some really good advice, support, and sympathy. I'm just thankful for the pain and lessons that Alek taught me as it opened me to a whole new perspective in relationships and life as it is. 

I will keep in touch about my healing progress! Again, I thank you for listening and supporting me. 

[CommanderCody]

Hi, I know it has only been 2 days but I'm really feeling sad right now. I can't stop thinking about Alek and the way I ignored her. The past few days I've been meditating a lot trying to get my focus and tell myself that what I did, by ignoring her, was the right thing to do. But somehow, I can't get her out of my head. I've been keeping myself occupied -- going to the gym, doing school works, practicing guitar, etc... but my thoughts keep coming back to her. I feel bad that I ignored her like that because I was kinda pissed ( which is true ) that she messaged me after 9 days and that didn't give me no other choice but to ignore her. I felt like I should have given her a heads up that I'm choosing to move forward with my life right now. Everyday that passes by I know my heart heals slowly but it gets harder by the fact that I'm realizing we're not talking anymore and that she's consistently on my head now. I guess this is the hardest part about withdrawals... 

I know I don't owe her anything but why do I feel somehow bad that despite all her personal problems right now, I chose to walk away when all she wants right now is someone who would listen to her; to rant her problems at.  I know that she's the only one who can save herself and I know that I chose to walk away for my own good, for my own healing and for my good benefit. But I felt like if she needed someone to cry a shoulder to, maybe I could be that someone and I threw it out when I decided to move on. There's a part of me wanting to message her, ask her how she has been doing, and there is another part of me, the majority part, telling me to just continue the no contact, let it go and move on.

I can't avoid thinking that she felt I'm still expecting something from her or from this working out the relationship that's why when she messaged me after 9 days, I didn't respond to her because I was disappointed or that she didn't meet my expectations... 

[kayc]

Of course you are disappointed!  The preponderance of caring/responsibility has been falling to YOU!  If only she was the same way with you, but reality is what you have to deal with, unfortunately, not wishes...

This has become a fantasy relationship, not a reality one, I'm sorry.

[CommanderCody]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Of course you are disappointed! 

Am i wrong for having to be disappointed or have atleast a little bit of expectations? I've tried my best into minimizing expectations or have no expectations at all because she never wants expectations right now, it seems like a pressure to her. And when I expected that she wont take it for more than a week before talking to me ( but she actually did ) a part of me got disappointed. Did I self sabotage working out the relationship by expectating ( again ) ?