I feel no one understands

[Tinac]

2 days ago we had to put our beautiful boy Oscar to sleep due to kidney disease, he was 14 and would have been 15 this month.  I feel overwhelming pain physically and mentally at losing him, I had an incredible bond with him and I am struggling with his absence in the house.  I feel no one understands as I have already been asked have I still not got it together yet.  Its only been 2 days!! Why do people think pets are not worth grieving, I am completely devastated.  I cant eat, iv barely slept and can't stop crying! 

I dont know how to help myself heal, its like pain I have never felt before.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Tinac ~ and I assure you that here you are among fellow animal lovers, and we DO think our beloved companions are very much worth grieving. And we DO know how much this hurts.

In response to those heartless souls who don't understand why you "still don't have it together" you might invite them to read this: Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much? 

You might also print this out and hand it to them: A Bill of Rights for Grieving Animal Lovers  ❤️

[HG88]

So sorry for your loss, Tinac. 

What kind of animal was Oscar? sounds like maybe a cat? if you have a pic of him and any good stories of his life with you i'm sure everyone here will be interested, i know i will. writing about it may help you process things and help you think clearly, so you are able to navigate through your feelings but not get hopelessly drowned by them. that's all we can do in my humble opinion, just try to understand the whole picture properly, factually, and get the real version of events squared away properly in our memoriesso there is no risk of remembering incorrectly and wondering anout this or that... 

After my cat died feb 28th i first wrote to my friend about it and then came here. it seemed important for me to get a written record early on because our memories can change with time and i wanted to know the truth of it. It can be a lot to process, you review your whole relationship to them over the years up to death and beyond. You may have thoughts and feelings that are irrational but present themselves with a forcefulness that is hard to deny. For example i kept wonderin did i somehow cause her to die? even though the realistic explanation is simply like your cat, something in her body went wrong, it led to her death. If it was the food she ate day after day, that i chose and bought myself, then yeah maybe in some way i could say i caused it, but we can't blame ourselves for that imho. What one cat does fine with, another may get problems from. Really, how are we to know even for our own health?

and i also felt like did she die because I hadnt been paying as much attention to her, she lost the will to live? i felt that so strongly yet now see it's pretty irrational. animals seem to mostly have a strong survival instinct even if badly abused as there are many examples. hey, how about that cat that got froze and a guy buried him thinking he was dead and in the hole the tough cat thawed out and clawed his way back to life and went home? such a crazy, funny story showing just how intensely they want to survive, so i've basically got over that and do believe she understood i was simply busy with human things. I think she even had an understanding of what I was doing so it wasnt just a vague "hes busy" but she knew the specifics of it. I still have variations on these thoughts and feels everyday, and im still sad as heck two months later.

I don't think it's just non-pet owners who ask those annoying questions about haven't you got over it etc, i think there are plenty of pet owners too who are like that, They take a different approach, either don't get as attached as we did or they have a different belief about life and death that makes them handle death better. Some people deiberately remain somewhat aloof so that when the time comes, they dont suffer. Many peopoe these days seem to prefer the most shallow life possible, any kind of deep feeling or thought is avoided, rejected, frownedupon, etc. everyone wants to live in this world of quick cut edited happy silly videos. People seem less inclined than ever to appreciate the other aspects of life. To a sensitive person, there is a lot of sadness in the world, in life in general, and lots of bad things happened, happening, and will happen in future. Much suffering in all species of life.

Sometimes i wonder maybe we experience lives in this universe, to find out just how bad it would be if there was nothing more than this world; like perhaps when we die. we find out there is the other side, where there is no more death or suffering of loss, where there is just all great things. Perhaps we get bored of the perfect realm and wish to go back on the merry go round of life in this world, to play at being a finite physical being having all sorts of adventures. After all, even if you suffered your whole life, but then died and realized you still exist beyond your body, you'd probably laugh because that would mean the grief over lost loved onee was a bit mismatched; if reality is we are all souls that never die, only bodies die. then we have not lost our pets or companion animals forever, they have simply gone ahead of us and perhaps are waiting for us patiently. When your family member goes on holiday for weeks, you dont have a nervous breakdown and sob everyday, because you know you will see them again and everythings fine. Maybe you miss them a bit but that would be all i think. 

Anyway i'm sure Oscar knew he was loved deeply and loved/loves you too and still. He probably knew he was sick and old and might not live much longer, he probably just wanted to be with you in his last days. He left you with a gift of sorts; now, whenever you find yourself about to die in the natural course of your life, maybe you won't be afraid but hopeful because you know now you will possibly be able to reunite with Oscar and other lost loved ones who went ahead of you. I never realized this when younger but it seems that life gets inverted, the young fear death due to too many attachments to the living, the old embrace death knowing all their loved ones already went through it and might be awaiting them, and their attachments to things of the world have decreased accordingly. I'm 32 so not exactly elderly but I don't know, i feel old in my mind and i feel very few attachments to life remaining for me. Now i have that hope to see my cats and dogs again and my grandparents, it's kind of nice. I don't think that love can ever die, maybe Christianity is right and God is love and it is the highest truth and eternal quality of the soul. If you viewed life in this world as interaction of souls clothed by bodies, then it's a big drama about our relations to each other, and why do we care at all about anyone else? because we love them, they love us, and our relationships are maintaining that love, sorting it out so it can continue nicely. As much as you are hurting now, losing Oscar, you are hurting because of your great love for him and him for you. Your hurting is a beautiful thing if you think of it this way. 

[Tinac]

Thanks so much for the replies.

Oscar was a beautiful black and white cat, I had him since he was a baby (about 8 weeks old) so I feel grateful and blessed that I had him in my life for as long as I did.

He was part of a rescued litter of kittens, he came to me and fell asleep in my arms while talking to the lady we were adopting from.  I believe we chose eachother, I was in love with him instantly.  He was so timid, when we got home he was scared to come out of the carrier and for his whole life he stayed a timid cat as he was scared of loud noises or sudden noise.  It meant alot to me that he reacted to me saying its ok, it helped him relax and not run off when he got scared knowing he was safe.  He was a house cat he didn't like to venture outside at all, the top step was as far as he would try but come straight back in.  

He was a funny cat, he liked to play fetch and he would take the little ball back for me to throw it again.  He loved getting brushed so much!  He loved to lick plastic bags for some reason.  He loved lying on the most random of things, play monopoly he will lie on the middle of the board! Wrapping a present he would lie on the paper! He really loved to watch the birds at the window and chatter!  He was my baby, he would lie on my lap every night while watching TV and then go to bed with me.  He followed me to the toilet, I believe he loved me back as much as I love him.  He growled at the postman which made me laugh so much I think sometimes he was meant to be a dog!

I will miss everything about him, his noises, his footsteps, his smell, his gorgeous little face, his head bumps, his kneeding on my legs, everything! He has been with me through tough times like I had postnatal depression a few years ago.  I have anxiety and I would feel calmer just having him near me.  The pain of his absence is unbelievable.

Thank you very much for asking for information about him, I enjoyed telling you about him.  I am the weird woman that always talked about my cat to anyone who would listen.  I very much hope that our bodies are shells and our spirit stays on, I hope that when my day comes I get to hold him in my arms again! 

I am 33, had my boy Oscar since I was 19 and had not long moved into my own place.  My life feels forever changed by the loss.

I feel sorry for people that do not connect deeply with their animals, it has been an amazing 14 years with him.  I love him deeply and always will, it is so true the price of such a great love is the pain in grief once they are gone.

I also get the guilt feeling, I wonder if we had taken him to the vet months ago would it have made a difference to how long he had left in this world.  I wish I knew there was something happening inside him and could have saved him.  I always hoped id be so lucky to have him til he was in his 20s!  But I truly am grateful I had him as long as I did as I have read other stories of loss of much younger cats and I realise I was lucky for the length of time I had with such a special boy.

[MTNSIDE]

11 hours ago, Tinac said:

feel no one understands as I have already been asked have I still not got it together yet.  Its only been 2 days!! Why do people think pets are not worth grieving

I think more people understand how hard it is to lose a pet than when I was young. They used to act like it was selfish to waste grief on an animal. People hid their grief. Pets have definitely risen in the social ranks. I think it takes a special kind of person to meet a special, extra intelligent kind of animal in order to understand what the loss of that unconditional love does to our soul. They are always very happy to see us!! We can do no wrong! They don’t know or care if we are rich or poor.  Famous or unknown.   They are all about loving us so perfectly!! Can you imagine another person loving you that way???

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I've lost 24 dogs and cats and it is one of the hardest griefs I've known, for me, losing my last dog felt much like when I'd lost my husband years ago.  I still cry now and then, and it's been nearly two years!  He was so much a part of my life and I love him so much, that doesn't go away just because they die.  

Thank you for sharing pictures with us, beautiful cat, and I think it helps to express it to those that get it and understand.  I've grown some moxie over the years with my losses, when someone says something idiotic like, "You mean you're not over it yet?" when it's day two, I'd retort "Inappropriate response."  But that's just me.  Our society seriously needs to learn about grief and how to be there for others in it.  How to Support Someone Who is Grieving | Emily Long |

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[Tinac]

I'm not very good at using a forum as this is my first so not sure how to reply to anyone individually.  Thank you to everyone for such lovely replies.

I definitely believe there are amazing humans in the world, but animals 100% more so! Animals don't care what we look like or anything, that unconditional love truly is unconditional. With humans that I believe can change as can be so judgemental if you don't fit into their idea of what you should be.

I am so sorry kayc about the loss of your husband and your dogs and cats.  The pain im feeling with my cat scares me so much I don't know how I'd move forward if it was my husband or my son. Such a lovely video thank you! You must have so much love in your heart to have loved all those dogs and cats ❤

I am due to start an open university course tomorrow morning and a new job on Wednesday and I don't feel up to any of it, I feel like I want to quit everything.  All of it seemed like a great idea before my baby suddenly became ill and left this world.  I now feel like it's all too much.

[Tinac]

I found it very therapeutic today to try and draw my gorgeous Oscar

[Kieron]

What a sweet boy.  Just wanted to say I sympathize but find it difficult to read this particular forum, as I have an older cat and she's been with me since 2007 so I am trying not to think too closely about this topic, but I definitely understand and am sorry you have lost your little guy.   💖

[Tinac]

Aww Kieron it's the hardest thing to think about, treasure each moment you have ❤ take lots of photos and videos, im so glad I did this.  I hope you have much longer than you may expect with your cat 

Thank you so much for your kind words, Oscar was my special boy and is irreplaceable 💙

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Tinac said:

I found it very therapeutic today to try and draw my gorgeous Oscar

You DREW that?  Amazing! 

I wonder if you could postpone the courses if you went in and talked with them?  I'd hate to see you pay for it and not use it.  In a few months it may seem more manageable.  It can be very hard to carry on in early grief.  I had to go to work on day 5 after losing my husband unexpectedly, and return full time after two weeks.  There were times I broke down.

17 hours ago, Kieron said:

find it difficult to read this particular forum, as I have an older cat and she's been with me since 2007 so I am trying not to think too closely about this topic

The entire time I had my Arlie it was somewhere in the back of my mind that I'd lose him someday, but I hoped he'd make it to 14, he only made it to 11 1/2, in spite of all of my best efforts.  Death comes to us all unbidden and we never know when.  I take consolation in my faith/hope that this is not the end, but but the beginning of an everlasting journey in which we'll be reunited with them someday, this time free of pain, suffering, struggle.

Tinac, I agree, dogs/cats are the cream of the crop!  They do love us differently than humans and are very loyal.  A blessing indeed!  I am so sorry you are hurting, it's so hard to be away from them now when we were so used to having them with us.  I used to sit and watch my Arlie smile, I could watch him for hours, his beautiful smile was contagious!

 

[awsun]

Tinac,

Oscar is gorgeous! And that picture is amazing. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I just posted my story about my Sunni that I just lost last week. I adopted him at about 8 weeks & had him for almost 19 years. I am 41 and have had him since I was 22 so I know exactly how you feel. And my Sunni used to lay in my lap in the same way that Oscar did! I loved it. It sounds like we have very similar feelings about what we're both going through. The pain is intense and I'm not sure how I'm going to go through the rest of my life without him by my side. I feel lost. And I 100% agree that animals give us the most unconditional love there is in this world... it is true love.