Summer Sadness And The Post Pandemic Blues

[nashreed]

So, Memorial Day Weekend is upon us. The news says 3 billion people are hitting the road and air travel is at a post pandemic high...and I'm here, missing the love of my life and am feeling more depressed than ever. It's funny, Memorial Day never meant anything to Annette. We never traveled for it, never went to cookouts or anything like that. The media makes you think that you should be out and traveling and I guess that has gotten in my head. 

It was kind of comforting that the country was kind of in a state like I was during the pandemic: house bound- not having any fun, not able to go to the movies or concerts or even eat in a restaurant. Now that things are opening up again, I feel more lost and miserable than ever. This is my second summer without her, but last summer I was focused on getting here, to California, and I didn't really think of it in terms of what summer usually means. I was just aware of it being hot. 

How does one get through a summer of sadness?

[kayc]

If George were alive, we'd be camping.  I'm glad for his sake he didn't have to go through the pandemic, he was very social, but it sure would have been easier on me to go through this with him.

8 minutes ago, nashreed said:

How does one get through a summer of sadness?

One day at a time, not looking at the whole summer.

[nashreed]

I'm selfishly glad that Annette passed only two months into the pandemic. She was claustrophobic and hated wearing the masks. With all of her health issues, she would have to had to continue to wear one in public, probably for life. Just another hard reality to face. I'm still using the same box of masks that I bought for the both of us at the beginning.

[KarenK]

In earlier years, summer meant going to San Diego for Sea World, the zoo(which I loved), then up to Disneyland. After the kids were on their own, we spent a lot of time at the cabin using it for home base to trips to Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming. Of course, there were the trips to Kentucky to see Debbie and the grandkids. All of it gone now. It's a hard pill to swallow. Now I spend my summer days sweltering in the furnace. Don't miss being stuck for hours in the holiday traffic though.

Guess the pandemic didn't hit me as hard as some. I was already used to being isolated.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

One day at a time, not looking at the whole summer.

That’s how it’s become for me, too.  Summer used to be great because of the temps and freedom from rain gloom.  We gave up traveling a long time before, but it meant the house was open, windows and doors, more BBQ's, music on the deck instead of the studio, long treks at the dog park for me and the kids.  It was just a great time no matter what.  Sunshine made all the difference.

Now it’s just day after day.  More complicated being alone and doing much older and the massive changes all that brings.  It’s almost annoying.  Like waking up a bit early today and my foot went into a horrid cramp out of the blue.  I’m used to waking up sucking, but I still had a half hour so yeah!  Let’s start the day even earlier in frustration.  
 

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Guess the pandemic didn't hit me as hard as some. I was already used to being isolated.

The pandemic drove home how isolated I was.  Now I was hearing my own feelings echoed to me by the really social (I miss that part of me most), working, sporting or living life ones, basically.   It made it harder getting all that input.  But at the same time a little part of me liked they felt it.  A taste of my world that they dismissed if I mentioned it.  Don’t feel bad about it either from all the stuff that has been said to me over the years in this misunderstood grief.  Many started finding ways though interests to stay sane.  That I couldn’t do.  Nothing appealed and I’ve been kidnapped by medical problems stopping anything that did rarely come along.  
 

So easier?  I guess it is.  It wasn’t our choice, but we got stuck with it anyway.  I’d give anything to be back to being able to be more free from pain snd volunteering.  Those are now grief issues I have to deal with every day.  Freedom lost.  People get that about as much as they get losing a spouse I’ve found.  

[Kieron]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

How does one get through a summer of sadness?

Moment by moment.  Someone told me about that time that the reality of the loss really sinks in around 18 months into it.  That was how it was for me.  Never felt so low in my life  I still feel echoes of it every few days, especially as the summer activities, sights, smells, etc kick into high gear.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People get that about as much as they get losing a spouse I’ve found.

People tell me all the time, "You should do this.  You should do that."  They don't get that most things take hands and mine hurt all the time and have lost their strength.  Even trying to clean things out is too hard for me right now.  It would have been nice to have been able to utilize this time but I can't.  It's been hard just to get my firewood up on my deck and do what I have to do around here.  At least I have a hands-free leash now and that makes all the difference in the world!  I get by, but anything more, nope.

Yesterday my sister's friend and I took Peggy and a neighbor who recently had a debilitating stroke to Creswell.  Judi was no problem, but it was very hard getting Peggy in/out of the car w/o her falling.  She's double my size+ and no balance.  She scares me to death.  It hurts to give up on the dream of taking her to the coast to meet my other sisters and daughter but I let her know that's not happening.  It's just not feasible.  She wanted me to drive her OLD van that hasn't been driven in 2+ years, nope!  I don't do well with big vehicles I can't see out of, let alone one I'm afraid will break down...and who do I call if it does?  I don't have anyone.  And especially so far away (4 1/2 hours).  And trying to get her up/down stairs?  Hell no!  I will not have her falling on my watch!  No room for her humongous walker, bedrail we can't dismantle, luggage, cooler, and three people in my Civic even if I had someone to watch Kodie that I felt comfortable with.  Life would be very different if George was still here.  They all take their husbands for granted and don't realize the changes it'd mean to their lives also if they were gone.  Including the income, someone to care/rescue/help.

The only thing I don't like about summer is winter is around the corner, and all the hardship that comes with it.  I personally will be glad to be done with the wood stove for a while.  This morning birds woke me up.  What a nice problem (5 am)!  There's some beautiful sounding songbirds here, I found a nest in my Madrone.  Haven't seen who goes with it yet!

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

People tell me all the time, "You should do this.  You should do that." 

Aside from the physical limits, and those are most important for many of us, hearing that stuff makes me furious.  I never presume o know what another person needs.  I give them credit they knows themselves, wants and needs.   I only get involved if asked what I think knowing them.  Even when I have pointed out the obvious to these 'helpers' they’ll keep going with possible workarounds that just anger me more.  People didn’t get when you are in massive pain, the more complicated to make something happen, the more it takes away from the desire.  
 

I just made a most painful trek yo my mailbox and back.  I experimented sleeping on a different side I now see was not a wise choice and should have been obvious.  Well, lessen learned.  Not that the other side is much better.  The SHOULD people don’t have answers for that kind of day to day thing I really want lessened.  

I’d never be able to do a trip like you did.  I can see why you’re nixing the ocean trip.  If you could do it all, you’d be exhausted when you got there and burned out. Hardly a pleasant experience.  Nope, those with partners conveniently forget how helpful they are and we don’t have that.  I suppose with my pain level I should go to the ER, tho I don’t know what they’d do but verify how the pain is rooted where is already known.  Refer me back to my back doc that won’t call me back.  I could talk to an on call doc there, but he couldn’t fix anything.  Not how ER's work for this kind of stuff. I also add in more trauma from the getting in there, the beds, twisting and turning to undress and whatever X-rays.  Plus hours as always waiting.  This would actually be low on the triage scale.  

I hear all the summer life coming back too.  It’s nice.  I’m not looking forward to dummer temps tho.  Now that I can’t set up my AC when needed I’ll have to have my buddy do it next time he’s up to be prepared.  I sit here in my brief moments of non agony thinking I can do it!  Nope, not a chance.  All I have to do is stand up.  I so miss more independence.   
 

I want to get Mel a new chew bone today.  The thought of going into the store bothers me.  I was in one yesterday and had a harder time.   Can’t believe you are thinking of winter again.  Tho I do admit, now that I’m older, winter fits me better as far as having to do things, or actually missing out on things now.  Winter more fits my sedentary lifestyle.  

 

[kayc]

It's not my exhaustion that's stopping me so much as the infeasibility of not being able to get everything in my car, unwilling to drive an old vehicle that could break down IF I could get it started and no one to call should that happen.  And most importantly, I do not want to run the risk of Peggy falling (as she did when she went with her friends a while back)...she was lucky that time but I do not want her ending up in the hospital on my watch.  Every time she's fallen it's been because she takes a risk she knows better than to do.  She has no common sense.  She was always super smart, knows all the Jeopardy answers, but no common sense, and it's only worsened with age.  Her/my future terrifies me what will happen but nothing I can do to stop it.  She wants to dump everything on my shoulders and I can't handle it.  I have my hands full surviving myself.  And it's not good for my BP worrying about it.  This morning my BP was 111/66, it's taken considerable mental adjustments on my part to get it down from 180s/80s.  Just taking her out Friday out of town was hard.  Trying to stop her from doing something perilous.  And I have to start taking her 60 miles away to an eye doctor regularly as she has macular degeneration and has done nothing about it since being diagnosed two years ago, she could go blind if she does nothing.  I just learned about it this month.

People do not understand my hand limitations or living with injuries & pain.  They just have not a clue.  I imagine this is what you run into all the time.  It can be very annoying.  It pains me to see everyone's beautiful yards and know that's a thing of the past for me.  I hire someone to do the mowing & weed-whacking, I can't afford a full time gardener!  But I miss the flowers, I really do.  I have some hanging pots on the patio but miss rosebushes, peonies, planters, etc.  I just can't do it with my hands & knee injuries.  I know you understand.  It's enough to cook, do minimal cleaning & dishes, laundry.  

Nope, not thinking of winter, but know the seasons cycle and just wish it wasn't something always on the horizon as it's a hard time of year in the mountains.  But I've survived 44 years here so reckon I'll continue to.  Winter for me is anything but sedentary.  I let my fire go out yesterday, it's nice to have a break from continually hauling wood, cleaning up from it, loading the fire, etc.

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I so miss more independence.   

I hear you on this.  It's huge. 

My daughter called last night, she'll go with me tomorrow to my son's, I only have to drive to her house and she'll drive us to his place.  That's a huge help.  I don't relish being out on the road on Memorial Day.  Wish they'd made it for today instead.  At least coming back from her place the traffic will be heading west instead of east on the highway.

[nashreed]

Ultimately, all this talk about "America coming alive again" post pandemic is very insensitive to the people who lost loved ones to COVID. I didn't lose Annette to it, but I know my life will never be the same as it was pre-pandemic. And only half of the country is vaccinated. How is that going to work out well?

[Gwenivere]

Well, vaccinations have to grow.  I am s little dismayed that now that restrictions are lessening because of adherence, people see opting out.  This will drag this on so much longer.  I also don’t expect the world to ever go back to what it once was. People are changed from the reality of such a massive threat and the virus will stay in some form.  Become something we have to keep immunity to from now on.

I don’t think the enthusiasm about opening back up is meant to be insensitive.  Many many people did the right thing by guidelines and deserve to enjoy what is available now.  The sobering news about how many were lost and heartbreaking stories are still there.. Many families will be living with grief because if it.  
 

This may found callous, not meant to by any means, but every war has casualties.  People that didn’t experience any shouldn’t be expected to understand.  People that have know (I hope) that there is no disrespect because others don’t feel it.  It’s like being widowed, losing a child, a pet, etc.  They don’t know how it feels.  I’m glad people can get back to their lives, I’m just sad for myself snd envious they have that.  That’s within me to own.  A buddy pushed our weekly zoom call to visit family now that the ferries are running.  It hurt, but she has the right to keep living her life with the people she still has.

I guess I’m not clear on what you would prefer as far as reactions.  I know if Steve and I came thru this we’d be ecstatic for more freedom.  It seems split also.  Some trusting to go maskless, others not, but partaking in more opportunities of gatherings.  It’s going to be a long time before we are totally maskless.  Or the option to.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s like being widowed, losing a child, a pet, etc.  They don’t know how it feels.

True.  I understand what James is saying though, I always feel sensitive to other's pain.  Sunday we lost three innocent lives on the highway nearby, I hated driving Memorial Day, it didn't feel right.  But my staying home won't bring their lives back either.  It's hard, no matter how you look at it.

[Gwenivere]

I feel sensitive to others pain.  I haven’t lost anyone to covid.  I just think we have to keep perspective that death is part of life, obvious to us, and people are lost daily to many things.  The counts of mass shootings has me stunned.  I just can’t see singling out one cause over another.  No disagreement this last 16 months have been daunting.  I know for me it has changed my outlook intensely.  Combined with everything else that would have happened, it’s overwhelming to most people.  Perhaps that is why the celebrations seem more intense.  I don’t have any, but people that have been separated for so long would naturally feel a lot of happiness.  

[kayc]

The news was consumed by mass shootings over Memorial Day weekend, I'm not sure we can stop that from happening, people who are deranged will do crazy things, who can know when they don't tell anyone, often the quiet ones no one suspects.  We never know what's inside another.  What's scary is people worked with them and had no idea!  They had unsuspecting neighbors.

I can't handle/take on what I can't change.  This is a crazy world.  I can only influence my little sphere.  We had that horrid accident over the weekend that resulted in three deaths, two critical, another injured.  I proposed to the town a challenge to take, if people take it, maybe it will save one life on down the road.  It can't hurt.  One of the things I learned on my grief journey is when something bad/difficult happens, try to turn it to something positive, Dr. Phil advocates that too, like John Walsh whose boy went missing has.

TAKE THE CHALLENGE!

• I will be mindful of my driving

• I will not drive impaired

• I will not drive sleepy

• I will not tailgate

• I will not pass unless safe to do so

• I will leave earlier

[nashreed]

So, are everybodys cities and states "opened up" by now? California is supposed to be on Tuesday- possibly one of the last states to do so. No more masks or social distancing, and you're supposed to take peoples word for it that they're vaccinated? Hmmm 

I don't see how I'm going to be comfortable going into a Walgreens (one of the few places I actually have to go into) without a mask, even though I'm vaccinated. I just don't trust people and I can totally see a scenario where its fall/winter and this Delta variant is running rampant, and "Geez, we're sorry, guess you still need a mask again". They'll probably be a mad rush for the booster shot after not being able to give away the vaccine now, having to give away millions just so morons will get vaccinated (I'm the moron for getting vaccinated so frickin' early I guess). 

I hope I'm wrong. 

 

[Gwenivere]

We are 'opened up' in Washington, but there are still restrictions.  The grocery stores have taken down their requirements.  Guess other retailers have too.  I have no intention of not wearing a mask in any store for a long time.  Only saw one woman once and boy, did she get the evil eye!  Strides have been made, but like you, I don’t think enough to where I’m trusting and the variants are out there as well as we were not subjected to the usual winter maladies to keep our immune systems on full function.  Hardly any colds or flu.  It’s just too risky.  I hear talk of next winter being bad for this reason.  Weird we did too good on this but may be more vunerable to other things we shouldn’t be.  

[KarenK]

I think bars and restaurants are open again, at least to the point of people being killed in them. That's nothing new around here, an every day occurrence. Masks are still required in some places. Except for difficulty breathing, I don't mind. It keeps me from having to wear my dentures.  lol  I'm one of the non vaccinated "morons" you refer to. I rarely leave my house, but wear a mask when I do.

[MartyT]

Please let us avoid any form of name-calling in our forums. This only leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and reluctance to join in a discussion. There are areas related to this pandemic where reasonable people can reasonably disagree, and they are far too complicated for any of us to resolve here. Please, dear ones, let us keep our focus on the intended purpose of this site: to offer reliable information, comfort and support to the bereaved and those who care for them. We are not here to decide who should wear a mask or who should be vaccinated ~ and we are not here to pass judgment on anyone for sharing beliefs that are different from our own.

[nashreed]

I sincerely apologize to everyone I offended. I never meant to name call or single out anyone here. 

It's just that I don't understand, Why can't the country be united against this like "The Greatest Generation" were during the war effort and the eradication of polio and small pox? I've tried- the fridge magnets don't stick to me. It is just sad and infuriating.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

I've tried- the fridge magnets don't stick to me. It is just sad and infuriating.

They had a segment on this on Inside Edition a few days ago...debunked.  Apparently it only works when your arm is wet/sticky.   No magnet.

So important, our delivery here!  Careful to stick to your message and no personal attacks to people here or elsewhere!  You don't know who believes/supports what.  One of my BEST FRIENDS is one who does not support the immunization for many reasons (half my town does not) and we need to be respectful of those beliefs...he is also one of the smartest people I know and I highly respect him...and yes, he comes here.  Another reason I am registered an Independent as my family is split on politics and highly volatile about their viewpoint, this way I can vote and be honest about my registration and vote the way I want without attacks!  Those who know me best know my beliefs on everything. 

It's interesting that so many are getting colds and sore throats right now!  They say it's because they've been protected from it and no longer are, IDK.  It could have as much to do with social distancing changes as anything, JMO.

For me, not a whole lot has changed here.  As always, I believe we can do much to protect our immune system being optimal by taking healthy care of ourselves.  Never a guarantee but I'm a "statistics" person that believes in the odds and praying for the rest!