Lost my soulmate 3 weeks ago

[nashreed]

Thanks Boho,

It's not like I do anything sinful on purpose. I try to not break any commandments, but I have a lot of guilt that I don't pray more (what do I have to praise God for? I know that that's no excuse, you praise Him because He deserves it, not because your life is good or bad). 

It is comforting to think of your opinion. I certainly believe, I just am fallible. I'm sorry this has gotten so religious. I'm not pushing my beliefs on anyone here. It's very important that my beliefs are clear. Annette was very adamant about so called Christians not pushing their beliefs and making a "show" of their worship. It's personal and private. 

[Sheemie]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I am so sorry Sheemie. I lost my wife to Diabetes. There were other factors at play, but it all began with Diabetes. Annette wrote me a breakup letter,  some 33 years ago now, and what really stands out to me from it is that even then, so young, she wrote "Diabetes is hell" (she referenced it as a contributing factor in her moodiness and issues, as she was struggling with it at the time). 

I have such guilt that I should have done more for her. Why didn't I force her to use a wearable insulin pump. She took pride in her control of it, but she just couldn't do it anymore and I was in denial. I never, never wanted to get on her about her weight, to make her feel bad about herself. We did the best we could at the time, but made so many mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel guilt (because I know she wouldn't want me to), but most days I do- so I know exactly what you're feeling. I have felt all the stages of grief all in one day at times, still feeling them in random order, constantly. There is no order to it. 

I have thoughts of us trying to navigate COVID together (Annette passed only two months into it, but we were already sick of wearing masks to her appointments). I couldn't visit her in the hospital when she had her last stay there, and important things happened then that I never got answers to because of damn COVID. I'm just glad she didn't get it ever. Her worst fear was not being able to breathe and I don't know how I would have protected her. I am so very sorry. Why is life so unfair. Good, beautiful people pass away so young and yet pieces of human garbage like a certain former president lives on and on. 

I think we all feel so personal responsibility for our loved ones health. I am extremely hard on myself because I did not go into his room. They wouldn't let me per their fear mongering rules which made no sense because the doctors and nurses go home do they not. A news story I heard about a singers child's death helped me. The singers child fell from hotel window on accident. The singer was nearby and ran to street. The child was surrounded by passerby. The person did not stop. HE WAS SCARED. I knew it because I felt same. Later we hate ourselves for being too afraid to stop in their case or go into the room for me.

[nashreed]

I felt responsible for her passing because I was her caregiver. It was my job and I feel I failed. I've only been good at one job ever, barely (retail music store manager, because I was passionate about music- not because I was great at customer service or management. I had to have my assistant do my financials when I ran a store). 

I just have to remember that Annette doesn't blame me. I KNOW she doesn't. It's just hard to get that through my thick head. I don't want Annette to look down and see me guilt-wracked and miserable, but it's hard not to be. I can eventually let go of the guilt, but I'm always going to hate where I've ended up, where life has left me. 

 

[Sheemie]

On 8/20/2022 at 3:41 PM, nashreed said:

I felt responsible for her passing because I was her caregiver. It was my job and I feel I failed. I've only been good at one job ever, barely (retail music store manager, because I was passionate about music- not because I was great at customer service or management. I had to have my assistant do my financials when I ran a store). 

I just have to remember that Annette doesn't blame me. I KNOW she doesn't. It's just hard to get that through my thick head. I don't want Annette to look down and see me guilt-wracked and miserable, but it's hard not to be. I can eventually let go of the guilt, but I'm always going to hate where I've ended up, where life has left me. 

 

I have never liked any job I have ever had. I sure was not like my spouse. He loved to work would put in 16 hrs days. Now I have to go back to this whatever job I can get, pretty much guarantee mindless cashier or cleaning something. All I want is someone to talk to. I walk my dog, I get groceries, I go to church. I just want to scream. We are alone and we don't even try to not be alone and everyone acts like tattle tales for the government or something, like get you, got you, oh we caught u smoking. Ding, ding, ding. Give me a break.

[Sheemie]

On 7/22/2022 at 6:11 PM, jathas said:

This is so true.  Ever since my husband passed, I have NOT been able to stay up nearly as late as I always used to.   Prior to his passing, I was a night owl to the core.  I've been that way since my late teens/very early 20s.  I wouldn't go to bed until 4-5 in the morning most nights.  I would be up all night working (I'm self-employed) and doing other things.  Now, since losing my husband, I just have NO energy left and can barely make it past midnight.   I truly feel that my energy has been depleted since he passed.

I suffer this too. Every night I will wake up in middle of night unless had sleeping pill or something at around same time Ray started to go and never had sleep issues staying asleep or falling asleep. I pray rosary every night and usually fall asleep doing it helps. Getting up in the middle of night not fun.

[nashreed]

58 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

I have never liked any job I have ever had. I sure was not like my spouse. He loved to work would put in 16 hrs days. Now I have to go back to this whatever job I can get, pretty much guarantee mindless cashier or cleaning something. All I want is someone to talk to. I walk my dog, I get groceries, I go to church. I just want to scream. We are alone and we don't even try to not be alone and everyone acts like tattle tales for the government or something, like get you, got you, oh we caught u smoking. Ding, ding, ding. Give me a break.

It's really annoying how I only seem to dream about work- even though I haven''t worked retail in 12 years. It's often me desperately trying to get customers to leave the store after closing. 

I enjoyed being a walking music trivia machine, before Wikipedia took all the fun out of that. There are barely any music stores around anymore. There's a lot of little hipster vinyl stores, but I enjoyed working with CD's, when nobody wanted or cared about vinyl. I remember when I had the idea to start ordering vinyl at the used CD place I worked at around 2008. They thought I was nuts.

There's nothing more lonely than going to the grocery store- alone. All these people with spouses or family. I see attractive women who are way too young for me- no one I'll ever meet. I just won't ever have someone again. There's just nothing to look forward to. Life can be so random and unfair. 

[Sheemie]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

It's really annoying how I only seem to dream about work- even though I haven''t worked retail in 12 years. It's often me desperately trying to get customers to leave the store after closing. 

I enjoyed being a walking music trivia machine, before Wikipedia took all the fun out of that. There are barely any music stores around anymore. There's a lot of little hipster vinyl stores, but I enjoyed working with CD's, when nobody wanted or cared about vinyl. I remember when I had the idea to start ordering vinyl at the used CD place I worked at around 2008. They thought I was nuts.

There's nothing more lonely than going to the grocery store- alone. All these people with spouses or family. I see attractive women who are way too young for me- no one I'll ever meet. I just won't ever have someone again. There's just nothing to look forward to. Life can be so random and unfair. 

You are so cool, u know I remember cds. I used to always have books and books of cds. I would work out at gym with my cd player. My friends, when I had friends, and I would hang out in the media play all the time. When cds went away I quite listening to music was too much bother to me to figure out an mp3 device. I still couldn't and would listen to the radio. I used to have good friend that worked at the radio station and he'd hook me up with free stuff from the giveaways.

[nashreed]

Wow, Media Play is a store that I have not thought of in a long, long time. It was an awesome store. It used to be so fun to browse there and at Best Buy when they had a HUGE CD section, and I worked for FYE/Wherehouse Music for 11 years. All gone now. I mean, I love Spotify and couldn't live without it (I'm listening to it right now), but it killed music stores along with the Napster and file sharing. I still buy CD's off eBay. I don't need any more CD's, with around 7,000, but I don't have anything else really going on in my life at all, so...

Maybe part of it is getting older, but I never had a group of friends to abandon me anyway. I often think of the Spirit World and how it might be like another dimension that the living can't access- but it's right there going on simultaneously. I feel like an inter-dimensional being, like I'm a ghost. No one pays attention to me. I just wander this dimension, but I'm separate from it. I don't feel connected to it. People see right through me and past me. I don't want to keep not mattering, but I don't know how to make friends- not at this age. At 52, you're either ensconced in your life and have your wife and friends, or you feel like you might as well be dead. There doesn't seem to be any way to get a new life at this point. My sister-in-law doesn't get it. I feel like she think I should have pulled myself up by my boot straps by now, when she has a career, a ton of friends, a husband, two kids, grandchildren.... I will never have any of that. She has never been one to not be in a relationship, and she's been married three times, twice to total jerks. At least she texts me.  No one else does. 

[V. R.]

Nashreed, Sheemie, I see we share a passion for good music. CDs didn't  last long though, did they? Soon replaced by ipods and other new technology. Nothing beats the level of music that came out of our good old vinyl LPS, don't you agree? What about the 45rpm single records? In my teens, I used to buy one almost every week, would go to my local record shop and ask for the No. 1 hit. I still have my husband's stereo equipment and professional loud speakers, turntable, the whole set. I'll never be able to use it without him. I now prefer just to keep practicing my piano playing, like we had been doing together for some time.,singing and playing, which helps release all that pain I have inside me. It's a good way of venting for me right now. 

 

 

[nashreed]

Oh boy, V.R., don't get me started. I bought 45's with my brother as a kid, vinyl, cassettes, I even had an 8-track phase. I'm a music hoarder and so is my brother. He's big into vinyl, and has hundreds, but I find vinyl to be cumbersome. To hear vinyl properly takes a lot of work- a good turntable, cleaning... CD's are much easier to deal with. Y'know, this year is the 40th birthday of the CD! I have hundreds that are nearly that old (1983-85)- not just the music but the actual disc.  Those often sound better than the ones that come out now, and they still make CD's- just not many people buy them. 

[V. R.]

You're right about vinyl needing a top stereo to hear it properly and appreciate it completely. In fact, I had just a simple panasonic when I lived in London, but when I heard the same music on my husband'stereo here, well, there's no comparison! . I noticed also that listening to the same song firstly on vinyl, and after on a CD, I could hear every single instrument individually on the vinyl but not so  on the CD, the music of some of the instruments on the CD seemed to be too 'covered' up by the others. Records wear out though too, get dusty and scratched, they are not eternal unfortunately. My husband had a great passion for good Hi Fi stuff, I remember we traveled miles once to buy a new set of 'good' speakers and a new turntable, so difficult to find. It's a shame they've stopped putting CD players in  cars, there's just the radio and a  USB pen slot, now!

[Sheemie]

On 8/26/2022 at 12:41 PM, nashreed said:

Wow, Media Play is a store that I have not thought of in a long, long time. It was an awesome store. It used to be so fun to browse there and at Best Buy when they had a HUGE CD section, and I worked for FYE/Wherehouse Music for 11 years. All gone now. I mean, I love Spotify and couldn't live without it (I'm listening to it right now), but it killed music stores along with the Napster and file sharing. I still buy CD's off eBay. I don't need any more CD's, with around 7,000, but I don't have anything else really going on in my life at all, so...

Maybe part of it is getting older, but I never had a group of friends to abandon me anyway. I often think of the Spirit World and how it might be like another dimension that the living can't access- but it's right there going on simultaneously. I feel like an inter-dimensional being, like I'm a ghost. No one pays attention to me. I just wander this dimension, but I'm separate from it. I don't feel connected to it. People see right through me and past me. I don't want to keep not mattering, but I don't know how to make friends- not at this age. At 52, you're either ensconced in your life and have your wife and friends, or you feel like you might as well be dead. There doesn't seem to be any way to get a new life at this point. My sister-in-law doesn't get it. I feel like she think I should have pulled myself up by my boot straps by now, when she has a career, a ton of friends, a husband, two kids, grandchildren.... I will never have any of that. She has never been one to not be in a relationship, and she's been married three times, twice to total jerks. At least she texts me.  No one else does. 

Nashreed, we must be kindred spirits because I feel the same way. I am totally stuck and feeling sorry for myself when life is before me. When my husband passed horrible, tragic, unexpected. All my inlaws and my family too was like stuff and money, stuff and money. Like I just lost my husband, my life and all the people who were supposed to be there and support, stuff and money. I really don't think most people are capable of love and they just climb the social ladder of life. The only people nice and decent, the funeral home, some neighbors, and my husband's work. To relax I read or watch TV. Idk how many months before I could even stand to watch TV because I was am so angry at myself mostly but society too. The only show I could stand before bed to unwind was the great British baking show. The Paul man on the show reminds me of my husband in some way found it comforting. My husband  deserves a parade, to be on the news every day about the tragedy of his death. He was great and he deserved so much better than everything. The Bible says life is b4 me and I have to choose it I am still trying to answer that question.

[nashreed]

You're lucky that there's a television personality on that you can watch and feel that connection to your husband. At least there's the comfort of seeing mannerisms and expressions that you can take to heart and imagine it's him for a moment. Really, Annette was so truly unique, and the only celebrity even remotely close to her, that I can see her in their appearance and expressions is Mindy Cohn from "The Facts Of Life". The character and that show are rather broad and it's not something I really want to watch now, but I caught her on an old 80's game show and it felt like a young Annette. 

I don't know why everyone is so self involved or uncaring. Maybe they're afraid of their emotions. Annette was so honest and loving and caring and not guarded at all. Of course, it was just for me and her immediate family. I just am so tired of being so lonely. Nobody wants to have anything to do with me. How do you get total strangers to become close, when you have all this emotion that's suppressed for two years with no outlet? It gets to be a prison, a wall you build around yourself- brick by brick. Wall yourself in. It doesn't matter anyway. 

I've got a major problem. The old cell phone that I have all of Annette's voicemails on is not coming on, and if it's dead I don't know what I'm going to do. Why do they make these damn phones to only last a couple of years, if that? (Well, yeah, I know) I transferred a few of them over into emails to myself as a backup, but I didn't do them all. I thought to transfer them all, but was told that I couldn't reactivate the phone because it's obsolete. You can't just easily transfer voicemails over, but I could send them to myself in a text. I just need this stupid old phone (it's not really old at all) to exist as a listening conduit to store the voicemails. I'm going to have to take it somewhere and hope it can survive. Sigh. 

[scba]

1 hour ago, Sheemie said:

Idk how many months before I could even stand to watch TV because I was am so angry at myself mostly but society too. The only show I could stand before bed to unwind was the great British baking show. 

I could only stand watching Game of Thrones and House of Cards, first seasons. No justice, no love, no fairness and no reminders from my life. Nothing to relate. 

To refer to that early months and first years I tell: During my GoT phase....

(I quit watching from season 5 I could not stand the death of a child burning at a stake.... enough, just too much). I moved to cooking shows. 

 

[Sheemie]

On 8/28/2022 at 11:59 AM, nashreed said:

You're lucky that there's a television personality on that you can watch and feel that connection to your husband. At least there's the comfort of seeing mannerisms and expressions that you can take to heart and imagine it's him for a moment. Really, Annette was so truly unique, and the only celebrity even remotely close to her, that I can see her in their appearance and expressions is Mindy Cohn from "The Facts Of Life". The character and that show are rather broad and it's not something I really want to watch now, but I caught her on an old 80's game show and it felt like a young Annette. 

I don't know why everyone is so self involved or uncaring. Maybe they're afraid of their emotions. Annette was so honest and loving and caring and not guarded at all. Of course, it was just for me and her immediate family. I just am so tired of being so lonely. Nobody wants to have anything to do with me. How do you get total strangers to become close, when you have all this emotion that's suppressed for two years with no outlet? It gets to be a prison, a wall you build around yourself- brick by brick. Wall yourself in. It doesn't matter anyway. 

I've got a major problem. The old cell phone that I have all of Annette's voicemails on is not coming on, and if it's dead I don't know what I'm going to do. Why do they make these damn phones to only last a couple of years, if that? (Well, yeah, I know) I transferred a few of them over into emails to myself as a backup, but I didn't do them all. I thought to transfer them all, but was told that I couldn't reactivate the phone because it's obsolete. You can't just easily transfer voicemails over, but I could send them to myself in a text. I just need this stupid old phone (it's not really old at all) to exist as a listening conduit to store the voicemails. I'm going to have to take it somewhere and hope it can survive. Sigh. 

Yeah, idk what you can do about vm's. I went to this grief group through church. The counselor was asking us if we could think of a reason we were mad at the deceased and I was like absolutely no! But at home I was thinking about how for the last year we were trying to buy our first home unsuccessfully. I got to thinking about how I always just wanted it to be just me and him. He always held family very highly, far more so than me. Guess because my family always couldn't care less about me. I was looking through some old recordings one day and low and behold I come across a phone conversation between us where we were talking about where we want to live and my husband was telling me that he just wants it to be me and him and he's tired of the drama in, talking about family. And there went my reason. I spend alot of time thinking about how God made such a person to love someone like me.

[Sheemie]

On 8/28/2022 at 12:03 PM, scba said:

I could only stand watching Game of Thrones and House of Cards, first seasons. No justice, no love, no fairness and no reminders from my life. Nothing to relate. 

To refer to that early months and first years I tell: During my GoT phase....

(I quit watching from season 5 I could not stand the death of a child burning at a stake.... enough, just too much). I moved to cooking shows. 

 

I used to really like scary movies and I can't now...I've had all scared I can take.

[scba]

2 hours ago, Sheemie said:

 I spend alot of time thinking about how God made such a person to love someone like me.

I totally relate here. In two weeks it's going to be 8 years. How can it be? I am wearing today the jacket I wore when he died. I ponder about what it means today. 

I spent a lot of time thinking if God would bless me twice in my life and I couldn't find facts for that to be the case. Why He would do that? I'm not talking about deserving this or that...

Using your words.... Who is the one out there that would love someone like me who didn't ask for it cause none of this should have happened in the first place? 

I got mad at my boyfriend, sometimes, for leaving me alone in this life. I feel emotionally tired today but I still have things to do. He never showed up to make his case. I stopped waiting. Grief feels like is going around in circles with silence as an answer. 

 

 

[kayc]

I feel the same, so blessed to have had George!  It's a miracle that we even met!  All started with me writing a letter to the newspaper!

[scba]

21 minutes ago, kayc said:

I feel the same, so blessed to have had George!  It's a miracle that we even met!  All started with me writing a letter to the newspaper!

I met him at the bus stop. 

 

[Sheemie]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I totally relate here. In two weeks it's going to be 8 years. How can it be? I am wearing today the jacket I wore when he died. I ponder about what it means today. 

I spent a lot of time thinking if God would bless me twice in my life and I couldn't find facts for that to be the case. Why He would do that? I'm not talking about deserving this or that...

Using your words.... Who is the one out there that would love someone like me who didn't ask for it cause none of this should have happened in the first place? 

I got mad at my boyfriend, sometimes, for leaving me alone in this life. I feel emotionally tired today but I still have things to do. He never showed up to make his case. I stopped waiting. Grief feels like is going around in circles with silence as an answer. 

 

 

Yes grief does feel like going in circles.

[nashreed]

We all deserve love. Now that I've lost it, it's hard to even be motivated to wake up in the morning. Nothing to look forward to, not a friend to be found. 

I put in a lot of work with winning over Annette. I was a weird, super skinny nerd, and had no social skills. She put up with a lot- she was patient. She resisted us being together, because she felt that she was unworthy of love. I was always there for her, and she slowly realized that I would always be there for her. I was dedicated to her. 

How am I going to spend years without someone after being so loved and blessed with her companionship? Nobody cares if I'm alive, except my Mom. It's a struggle and it's exasperating to spend my days with my Mom. Her hearing is so bad, she can't understand half of what I say. She is so stubborn, she won't get hearing aids. She's stubborn enough that she hasn't had teeth in years, maybe decades. Probably hasn't been to a dentist since 1955. I just miss coming home to someone I like, someone cute that makes me laugh, that I can make laugh. 

I just can't wait for this life sentence to be over. 

[Sheemie]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

We all deserve love. Now that I've lost it, it's hard to even be motivated to wake up in the morning. Nothing to look forward to, not a friend to be found. 

I put in a lot of work with winning over Annette. I was a weird, super skinny nerd, and had no social skills. She put up with a lot- she was patient. She resisted us being together, because she felt that she was unworthy of love. I was always there for her, and she slowly realized that I would always be there for her. I was dedicated to her. 

How am I going to spend years without someone after being so loved and blessed with her companionship? Nobody cares if I'm alive, except my Mom. It's a struggle and it's exasperating to spend my days with my Mom. Her hearing is so bad, she can't understand half of what I say. She is so stubborn, she won't get hearing aids. She's stubborn enough that she hasn't had teeth in years, maybe decades. Probably hasn't been to a dentist since 1955. I just miss coming home to someone I like, someone cute that makes me laugh, that I can make laugh. 

I just can't wait for this life sentence to be over. 

Same. I just talk to myself. I talk with my immediate family which amounts to gaslighting. Then they this person and that person always ask about me but I always wonder, they talk about me, they talk over me, but not to me. It's really hard when lose your person and everyone thinks I'm a puppet. 

[scba]

I noticed that some people who seem to be talking to you..... are just talking to themselves. It is very evident when the subject is (your) grief.

Many asked about me to my mum and they claimed they have been "present and worry". But I was alone. 

[V. R.]

I relate to all of this, I seem to have been 'alienated' by those few people I talked to before. Apart from my immediate family members, I literally don't exist. I also hear about people asking about me but I've never seen these people or even heard from them since that day my whole world was turned upside down. My mum asked me the other day if I'd been contacted by a cousin of mine who had phoned her  from London, to ask for my phone number. No, I haven't! That was about a year ago, now. People seem to be afraid to talk to me, they seem to think that I don't want to be disturbed, that I just want to isolate and keep my thoughts to myself. Ok, that may be the case most of the time but who are they to judge? They should make an effort anyway to approach me. In a way I don't really care, I just want my husband back, but on the other hand, I feel so bitter about this and also offended in honour of my darling soulmate.  My FIL has had visitors/phonecalls from my husband's relatives, but  he didn't live with his father! My husband  lived with US, wife and two children, in our house, together 24 hours a day(he and his father didn't even get on, hadn't seen each other for ages!!). WE three are the ones who saw my beloved suddenly leave this world prematurely, WE are suffering and struggling like crazy, nobody seems to care. I'm not usually one to bear a grudge, but not this time. I've become tougher, that's for sure. 

 

[kayc]

It's been many years since someone brought it up to me...my son and my sister (who died) are the only ones who have even mentioned him and that maybe once in a few years.