Downward Sprial

[dpodesta]

Bear with me tonigh as I ramble,

Today has not been a good day, it being Karen's 46th birthday and not having her here is really getting to me. I visited the cemetary tonigh and put some flowers and kneeled there for a little while. It was peaceful, but of very little confort. All day today I have been on edge. I feel like I am in a downward sprial, I am not eating much again, my smoking has increased and so has my drinking. What gets me the most is I really don't care about my health anymore. I just want God to take me away. I know he has plans for me, but why does he have to put me through this pain in order for his plans to be carried out? Why did he have to take Karen away from me in order for me to do his work? I am at the point where I just don't care anymore. I am tired all the time, and I feel like I am spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I yelled at Carson tonight when after asking him to close the toliet lid and he said why am I having to do everything? I do so much for him to make sure he has clothes on his body, a roof over his head and food in his tummy. I am sacaficing so much to make sure he is taken care of. All I ask for is a little help with keeping things picked up. I go from being depressed to being irratated at the drop of a bucket. I am tired of the roller coaster, I didn't want to ride this ride so why am I still on it. I don't want to do it any more, but I know that is not a choice I have. Why does life have to be so difficult? I feel bad for Carson, he just doesn't understand what I am going through. Lately I have had my head stuck in this computer getting things done and not wanting to do anything with him. I just don't have to energy anymore. And that is not fair to him. He spends the night at his Aunt's at least once a week, and it is so nice when he isn't here, it is like while he is there, he won't be bothering me to do something and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I should be cherrishing every minute we have together because they grow up so fast, but sometimes I just can't wait for him to go to bed so I can be by myself. But what does being by myself do but make me feel lonely. I really just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for letting me ramble, and I welcome any prayers you all can give me.

[kellymarie]

Derek, I fear I have no comforting words of my own other than I have seen a strength in you and have faith that you will make it through. Your post reminded me of this saying by C.S. Lewis

Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened up again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare reality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

This is from Martha Hickman's Healing after Loss:

It comes without warning, the feeling of being plunged back into the freshness of new grief-the same bewilderment, the feeling of being disoriented, our life disorganized. Often we don't know just what has set us off again. And we thought we were doing better!

The loved one we have lost has probably been with us for a very long time, perhaps all of our life- as when a parent has died. It is going to take us a long time to adapt to that loss. It won't happen smoothly, either, in some sort of gradual uphill climb out of the valley of despair. It's more like the work of clearing a rock-strewn New England field. With great labor the rocks are removed, but then the land shifts, the seasons change, and new rocks work their way to the surface. Eventually the land will be cleared, but it may take a long time!

I will be gentle with myself, accepting these storms of the psyche as part of my passage on the road to recovery.

Derek, Dare I may suggest that you are right... you are on a spiral. You may be looking down into the spiral but maybe you are actually headed out? I'm sorry you are having a rough night. Here's a huge hug. oxox, Kelly

One of my dear friend's twin sister is a nun. She told me this after Josh died and it has helped. Life is a huge tapestry woven by God. We can only see the underside but there is a beautiful side we have yet to see.

[gabrielle_land]

Derek,

Im so sorry you had to go through this day.. I haven't been through that day yet and I can't imagine how difficult will that be, extremely sad... I'm very sorry for everything you are going through. I know words wont make things better but just remember you have our support. I pray God may give you and Carson all the strength you need in these very difficult moments. Take care and blessigs,

Gaby

[Penny1]

Hi Derek

I so wish I could take your pain away... I know yesterday was a tough one for you and nothing anyone could say or do can change the horrible reality you are facing on a daily basis.

You mentioned you feel as if you are on a downward spiral but have faith that will change.... just give it some time...

I found a little exerpt from a book that I would like to share with you and hopefully it will give you some faith....

There is a spiral that leads to ascension. It is the path that frees you from the bounds of human suffering and takes you closer to your true being or divine nature. It spirals upward and it also spirals downward.

The steps along the spiral are taken through selfless service.

When we let go of the the self and abandon fear and doubt, then the spiral of faith and trust in others goes upward.

We go along this path until something happens to shake our faith. Then we withdraw. This is simply a test of faith, but to withdraw, it just sends us down the spiral.

But when we buy into this way of dealing with our tradgedies, it sends us further down the spiral until we feel so desperate and deluded about the void meaining in our lives. We find we must refocus and try to find our faith once again.

When we are desperate enough and nothing has meaning or makes sense anymore we know that we cant understand this with our minds alone. We turn for guidance, we ask God for help.

When we do this, we find that we must have faith again, and hence we start climbing back up the spiral.

The interesting thing about the spiral is that as we travel up and down, each time we fall down a little way we dont fall all the way back to where we were last time. We ascend.

But we can only continue to ascend if we continue to have faith, and we can only have faith if we have the courage to act on on our faith and live it.

Derek I have fallen many times in my grieving journey, some days probably like yours yesterday, nothing mattered to me, it was just so hard and hurt so much that I didn't care.... I couldn't I just wanted to close my eyes and have it all go away....

Don't feel guilty about wanting to have time alone... you need that time. I still have those moments where I dont want anyone around.... I just go for a walk on the beach and talk to my mom. I find my faith again....I do have faith, I have to or I may go insane...

We are all here for you....hopefully I didn't overstep any boundaries and hopefully you will be ok in a day or two. Give it time it has to run its course and remember next time it will be easier....

Take care God Bless you!

[AnnC]

Derek,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel so much the same way. I will feel I am doing better, and then an anniversary will come up and I am back in the dumps, wishing I could just join him now and be done with all this. Next week is my husband's birthday, and although I have been doing better this week, I know I'll be headed into a downward spiral for his birthday. It really, really sucks. I know my friends worry about me, but unfortunately this takes the form of their encouraging me to date -- are they NUTS??? So I get cranky with them, and avoid them, and then am lonely, as you say. There just doesn't seem to be a good answer. I do find it helps to go out with friends from my grief group -- they at least "get it", and don't fuss at me that I am "still" upset after more than two years (since they are grieving too after three and four years). I have more days now when I am doing better, but the gaping hole in my life is always, always there.

I hope you got through the day. I'm thinking of you.

[lorikelly]

Derek

I hope today is a little better for you. i pray that God gives you the strenght to get through. i can only tell you that Carson needs you soooooo much you need to take care of yourself for him. remenber through him Karen lives on. you can see her all around you when you look at Carson. you have to make him feel that he is just as important to you as she was. my counselor told me i have to say this everday that my husband and boys are just as important as my mom. i don't know what plan God has for any of us and i don't know why we have to go through this but i know that when the seas are stormy he will bring us through if we allow him. i wish i could take your pain away i can say that i will pray for you everday that God will replace your heart with joy and remove the sorrow. i don't know you personally but i tell you are a wonderful person and father. remenber that. be honest with Carson tellhim are havin a hard time so that he know why you are grumpy and he doesn;t think he did anything also remenber he is grieving the loss of his mom and looks to you. i think being honest with are children is the best thing we can do. it is ok to cry in front of them and tell them what we feel. do you see a therapist? does carson? maybe you could find a group that you could go to in person once a week for both you and Carson. ck with your church or the hospitals. i think you both need to be with others who feel the way you feel .. i know that would help me but i haven't looked for one yet. look into his eyes everday and see the love he has for you and see Karens love inside him..May God give you peace and comfort today and always. lori

[dpodesta]

Thank you to all of you who responded, it meant the world to me. Today has been a lot better, like I came out of the fog. I have come to realize out of all this a few things. One is my dream to teach elementary school children. Before, I didn't have the means to persue that dream and settled for what I am currently doing which is technicial training on copiers. It kind of came to me today that maybe this is what God wanted me to do and he has opened up some doors while closing others. Granted, I would trade every bit of it to have Karen back, but I realize that is not a possibility. Now it is just a matter starting the process of getting my Associates Degree.

Again I thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts of me during yesterday's rough time. I love you all and this site, it is a light in the darkness.

[Roswell]

Derek,

Sorry I'm late bro'

I'm not much on words, never quite had a way with them. However, you were one of the people that inspired me to join this

site. For whatever reason, when I visit here I feel as if I'm amongst friends and family. Blissful, peaceful...I like to hide here as

often as possible.

It's people like you that make this site the tranquil sanctuary that it has become for me, and many others.

Glad to hear that today was much better!

Kind regards and best wishes, William.

[lorikelly]

Derek

i am so happy to hear that you are a little better today. i will continue to pray for you ( and everyone on this site) that God will replace your heart with joy and remove the sorrow. this place is a light in the darkness thank God we have it. lori

[dpodesta]

William,

I have a saying, better late than never. It makes me feel good that through my pain that someone has gotten some benefit from it. It somehow makes it better that all that I am going through is not in vain. I to like to come here even if it just to sit and monitor the boards looking for some tidbit of information that will make it better. I do believe that everyone on this site is my friend and family, I never thought I would fell like this about a on-line forum but I do. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

[Charlie]

Derek,

I know your pain because I lost the love of my life after spending all of my entire adult life with this man so I relate to how you feel, but as an older person whose children are all grown up and on their own let me give you some advice, cheerish these days you have with Carson, he is your Karen's legacy and all of sudden before you can wink an eye he will be all grown up too and moved away and you will look back on the years you missed giving him all the love and enjoying every minute of his life. Now that my Charlie, my childrens father is gone from my life I look back at those years and cherish every memory with had together as a family and wished I could have done more to be the best mother I could to them.

It is so easy to take out your frustration and anger on your children for what life deals you but they are inocent and did not cause this pain so each time you want to be short with Carson or wish he was in bed or visiting his aunt think about that day in the future when he is no longer a major part of you life because he is off to college, married, or living in another state. Life is so very short, while you have them tell them you love them every day.

God bless you, I know you are in pain

Grace

[lorikelly]

Dear Grace

Thank you for that post, i to needed to hear it. my mom passed on 7/3/06 and i have been a mess. part of me want to be with her. i have 2 boys 11 and 8 and i know how much they need me. my mom would want me to live for them. she would of said the same thing, maybe my mom sent you to give me that message. thank you from the bottom of my hard. lori

[Roswell]

Derek,

Here I thought you managed to get your butt into trouble. Thought's and prayers are always with you Bro!.

Your words are never in vein, and they don't always fall upon a pair of deft ears. You'd be surprised!

All my best...and then some!

William

[Charlie1]

Derek,

Dude, hang in there. Sorry I missed this but I have been actively working on fighting my own demons.

I think kid's help us get back. Someone told me (or maybe I read)that when you go through this stuff you lose your childhood feeling that the world is a safe place. And, that kid's can help you get this back...or through them allow you to see that the world is not such a bad place.

I've let my kids in just to allow them to know how to do this when they have to go through it. It has brought us closer together and frankly, they know more than I thought. I'll bet Carson knows more than your givin him credit for.

If there is one thing I have learned...Don't beat yourself up...We all have to go through this @$%!, Learn, grow and have fun with Carson. He is as lucky to have you as you are to have him.

Charlie1

[kayc]

Derek, I am so sorry I didn't read this post sooner. I am sorry for the rough day you had. We all have them and it doesn't mean we aren't positive or don't have strong faith...you've already exhibited that to us...it just means we're human and we experience all kinds of things...all kind of emotions, fatigue, feeling overwhelmed, loneliness, fear, etc. When we have our spouse, we have a partner to share in everything with, and it is amazing how bolstering that feels. Now we just feel like we are on our own. I don't know what I'd do without this site...without people like you, so caring, so full of faith and encouragement. We all have our down times, it's to be expected. Even Jesus had them. When He was praying in the garden and cried out to God, to let this cup pass from him...yet even so, was willing to accept it if it be His Father's will. What an amazing example He was to us...we feel that way too...we want this cup to pass from us...yet it seems we must have it all the same. But He doesn't leave us comfortless or without Him...He's here...it's just that in those darkest moments we don't seem to feel anything, we don't seem to be able to cry out even...but that's when faith carries us, and Derek, you have that.

[dpodesta]

Thank you Kay for your belief in me and my faith. I know I have the faith that God will get me throgh, but like you said it is in those darkest moments that we feel like he isn't there and we are alone. This site has done so much for me in helping me to feel like I am not alone. Everyone here has pulled for me in my darkest times and for that I am forever grateful.

[Haley]

Derek

I am so sorry that you are going through this really I am I no how hard it is to be a parent and lose someone close to you. I did not lose my spouce but I lost my MOM and I also have lost my temper with my kids. They are actually your strenght. They keep us going day in and day out they force us to keep going and to not give up. Be honest with Carson and explain to him how you are feeling they do understand and a hug from him will change your world. I know somethings are easier said than done. I also feel like giving up and the more that we think about it ask your self if that is what Karen would want you to do "NO" it is not. Hang in there and keep your head high and give Carson a big hug and just keep going forward.

Thanks

Haley