She's Gone

[Maylissa]

I'm finally posting here, though it still feels all wrong...as if telling even this select 'world' will make it more real than it already is...

Our Little Nis' left this world on Wed, Aug 23/06. There it is, in black and white, and I can still hardly believe it. I've been numb, probably in shock, but now the feelings are beginning again and I can't bear it, can still hardly even let this reality into my mind. Can still hardly speak of it. Without someone asking me pointed questions about it, I'm not even sure what to say yet.

She was 19 years and 7 months. We ended up feeling we had to euthanize her, at home....so suddenly, even though we'd been battling her many conditions for so long. For those of you who are familiar with my story, you know I'd been in anticipatory grief for a few months already. But this.....this was still felt as a sudden loss, because we'd expected a slower decline. We'd expected she'd go from her renal failure, and not what happened instead....not that we'll ever really know if her failing kidneys played the biggest part or not, but it still wasn't what had been anticipated.

I'd been using our normal course of antibiotics to try and control another one of her bladder flare-ups. No bacteria and very little inflammation, either, after 13 days on this drug ( a longer period this time as the # of pees/day wouldn't settle down enough ). Yet I still wasn't panicking. Then she started getting a bit of bloody pee, even after this long course of drugs. We made the decision to switch drugs to one we'd always kept on stand-by if the first one should ever stop working. After only 3 days on the newer one, she suddenly went completely blind, reminding me of those here who'd also suffered this side-effect after surgeries. We researched this drug and found that this could happen, that her dose was likely too high for her weight and having CRF as well. Our local vet was away, as she too often has been when I'm in the middle of a crisis. Our distance vet was also away for a couple of these days. She was taken off this drug, as per directions from another vet at our local clinic. All we had left then was her original drug, which continued to not work, but her limited sight returned w/i a day. We still had another week to wait for her local vet to return. We began trying other remedies from her distance vet. They, too, weren't quite doing the trick, although nothing was getting worse at least.

But within just 2 more days, there was suddenly nothing but bloody pee. I inquired about possible anemia, as she was already slightly anemic from the CRF. No, no need to worry, at least not yet. But the blood wasn't stopping and she was getting weaker. Nothing left to do but wait and hope. An ultrasound or other more invasive tests were pointless, as any 'cure' would end up meaning surgery, which we knew she'd not survive at this point, at her age and with heart, hypertension and kidney issues. I felt the end might be approaching, but was still hoping, praying, trying everything that was left to us to try. Then 3 days straight of many bloody pees, so many I finally quit counting them or adding them to the chart I'd been keeping for her for the last decade or so. She was getting a bit weaker by the day, yet still eating the same amounts in total as she'd been for months; still going through her usual routines day and night; still spending the warm days outside in her favourite spots.....just having to get up to pee all too often and no longer bothering to cover any of them. We'd moved one of her litterboxes to the bedroom at night. We'd just built a carpeted ramp for her to get upstairs with greater ease. I think she only used it, by her own choice, about 4x's, maybe because it was a novelty, as she still preferred to go up each riser on her own.....our Sturdy Girl.

Her last day outside was Monday, Aug.21. We took more videos of her, though she wasn't doing much but resting, with the odd trip to her 'watering holes'. I'd read of the usefulness of these end-stage videos, to help allay the usual guilt after euthanizing, when one can clearly see WHY this decision was necessary. I took a couple more still pictures, too. I did an animal communication this same day as well. She 'said' she needed help in going, that the one thing that she feared, that was holding her back from leaving, was having to leave ME....that she'd need help to let go because she couldn't, didn't want to, leave ME, her MOMMY. My heart was breaking, but I had to still DO for our girl....whatever she wanted. She was getting so exhausted, just taking a few steps from here to there. I began offering her treat-foods. We stopped all meds that weren't strictly necessary except to keep her conditions stable enough for comfort. She stayed outside, by choice, until the sun started going down. I think she knew it would be her last chance to be in her beloved yard, the one I'd landscaped for my kidlets so long ago....the one that had become Nissa's yard, with Nissa's couch, Nissa's watering holes, Nissa's chairs, Nissa's fence, Nissa's rock garden, Nissa's trees and bushes, Nissa's benches...all and everything, for my little girl. I got what turned out to be her last kisses for me at bedtime. If I'd known, I would have insisted on more, just as she so often had from me. But we cuddled close as always, next to my heart, her little head in my face and nose......this....this was always my own personal Heaven On Earth. I NEVER took it for granted, but revelled in her touch, her love, her Heaven-sent Heaven Scent. The only time of each and every day that I completely relaxed, remained in the Now, just being with my Little Nis'. Such a treasure no money could ever buy.

By Tues morning she could no longer get up to use her litterbox. She was still eating, though a lesser amount. I finally gave in and fed her nothing but the junkier foods I'd never allowed her to have, and more treats. She didn't want her homemade Super Chicken Soup, which she'd always loved. We tried to make arrangements to get a vet out for that evening. No one could come - all too busy. Our regular vet was back now but had an evening meeting, but would see if she could swing by after 9 p.m. or so on Tues. No call. Someone could come on Wed., though, for sure. She spent the day in our/her bed. In the evening, I realized we hadn't had one last 'lap-time' on the couch downstairs, so we set her and I up there. She stretched out fully on top of my chest, with her face close to mine and my hands, as always, giving her Reiki. She looked like she was finally relaxing some. We'd gotten and started using the homeopathic remedies for pain issues, though she didn't seem to be having much....so we just assumed. All this day, and the next, we constantly changed the cloths under her rear, swabbed her off and kept her clean, gave her water from a syringe, gave her her remedies, her 2 necessary eyedrops ( dropped the 3rd ), her blood pressure med., finger-fed her as I'd been doing for so long anyway, gave her flower essences to help her release attachments to this world and us, to allay any fears, to help her open up to the Other Side. Constant doing for her, yet trying to be with her every other second.

Wed. was spent in bed again, my husband and I taking turns with her, never leaving her alone for more than a minute at a time, making sure we told her everything else we might not have said before, praying for her, reading some poetry just for her, doing visualizations, going over the procedures to come so she would be prepared which had always helped her ( and other cats, too ) lay most fears to rest. We had liquid Valium for her at home, but never did use it, as what we were told to look for when assessing pain didn't seem to be present. I hope we were right. I created the most peaceful atmosphere I could think of for her. CD's of Gregorian chants, new-age relaxation tapes that we both liked, and finally my CD of Gongs - nothing but the slow, reverberating sound of ( Tibetan? ) gongs that I'd often used for meditation, kept at low volume so as not to disturb but just relax. I made us one of our famous 'caves' with the bedclothes, to keep her warm yet not have any undue pressure on her tired and probably aching body. I remembered this from when her brother was dying. Whenever I'd have to get up for something and my husband would take over, she'd be staring at nothing really. Then I'd come back and her face would instantly pivot around and we'd lock our gazes, staring into each others' souls, as we'd done so many times before, but more intensely, more 'desperately', both of us trying to hold onto every millisecond together, as Mother and Daughter, never wanting to part. I kissed her everywhere, down to each and every one of her toesies, so like pussy-willows, her "tumble-of-toesies" with all her feet clustered in one delicious bundle, ripe for the kissing. Her mouth, those loving lips, that had blessed me with our "miiiiillion' kisses" ever since she was a wee, little kidlet. Her plush yet sleeky cheeks; her soft ears, still, as always, too sensitive for anything but the lightest touch....and everywhere else my own lips could still reach her laid-out body...that body I loved to pieces. That dainty but huge, fuzzy soul that had, as my husband kept telling her that day, totally ruined us for anyone else, ever. OUR girl.

The vet came at about 4:30; I couldn't even look at the time as that would have meant taking my eyes off my girl, my oh-so-precious girl. Things weren't as we'd expected. I'd been told by her distance vet and the clinic staff that likely we'd not be able to do an intravenous injection, what with her history of collapsing, too tiny veins, plus her dehydration ( tho we'd been able to give her small amounts of sub-cu. fluids for comfort-care the last 2 days ). So we were expecting the abdominal injection, which would have given us a minimum of 10 more minutes, up to about 30, with her. But after the vet ( we knew him from one appointment about 3 months ago when our regular one was, once again, away during her eye crisis ) assessed her, he strongly suggested, with explanation, the one directly to her heart. We were stunned and completely unprepared for this. He said it would be as quick, if not quicker, than an intravenous. We took a few minutes, but decided he might know best, so agreed. The vet's stupid cell rang -- LOUDLY. I instantly wanted to punch him. He'd just ruined the peaceful atmosphere I'd worked so hard to create for her! He turned it off, or so we thought. I prepared Nissa for the change in plans and apologized for not knowing sooner. He gave her the sedative, which I'd told her would be like others she'd gotten before surgery, making her feel sleepy and fuzzy-headed, but that's all. Something went wrong though. As my husband, and her doc said afterwards, if there was a strange or rare reaction to anything, trust OUR girl to find it, cuz that's our Nis'! She got an immediate bad taste in her mouth, or so it was presumed, and started licking and jawing and becoming distressed. I almost died right then and there. I ended up having to give her water again, apologizing yet again for this horrible disruption, feeling the guilt cut like a knife.....the one thing that I'd felt better about was being able to stop all the horky-tasting drinks, etc. that I'd had to give her for so long every day....and here she was, in her final moments, being subjected to something that looked just as bad as what she'd been spared for 2 lousy days out of so many. I was sick with despair. Then, whether it was the water &/or the sedative taking effect, she relaxed again. The vet's damn phone went off, again! I wanted to scream at him, "Ok, plans OFF!! GET OUT....NOW!!!!" I'm still angry as hell about that, and likely will always be. He ruined it, and there's no do-over now. He'd also rubbed her head and back too hard for someone who's dying and maybe has some pain, earlier. I'm mad at myself, too, for not stopping him in mid-stroke and telling him to take it easier on her. I'd been too busy just trying to keep breathing, trying to stay as calm as I could for our girl. Now THIS! But I knew it was too late to stop anything. So we gave him the go-ahead. Again, so angry at self....I FORGOT, to ask him to leave the room for a few short minutes, for one last private time with our girl. I was panicked, and I FORGOT!!!! Too late, I said a final prayer that I'd just made up in the last 5 minutes, a new take on one I'd always said over her before I'd leave the house. Now I can't even remember how I ended it.....damn, shot grieving memory!! I didn't even get to kiss her on her lips one last time. I was so distraught that I had to check with my husband as to whether I'd had my face right in front of hers when I saw the light fade from her eyes....he assured me I was right there, with his face right behind and to the side of me, so that we were both there for her. I'm not sure if she might have even looked, for a split second, surprised. How much did she feel that last needle? More than the one for the sedative, which didn't seem to bother her? We both broke right down. The vet said a prayer. I said something in response to something he'd said, about her possibly returning to us in another body. He shared with us that he was positive he'd had 3 of his dogs return to him, and why. But he was talking too loudly, while we were talking in hushed tones. Thankfully, he left soon thereafter.

And then the numbness started. I was dazed and could not even cry then. And only a few times that first day, whenever my husband would start bawling. We laid her out in state for 2 days ( I'd asked around about this first ), knowing we had a little while until we could place her body in our deep-freeze to await the custom casket, as we'd done for her brother. We ended up receiving 5 wonderful bouquets of flowers, and so far 8 cards, all so very appreciated. It was even more than what we'd received when Sabin died, so I've been very pleased about that. We ended up going away, for the first time in about 13 years ( and that was only for a wknd, once only ), as I think I needed to run from the pain....which was stuck anyway for the most part. It was a mixed trip. I couldn't sleep and most nights got only about 4-5 hrs of interrupted rest. We were both bagged, and both of us with painful injuries, too, which kept us from being able to get out and hike as much as we'd wanted. We both got massages, which helped somewhat but not enough. I didn't want to come home. We'd already found that entering our empty, seemingly soulless house, was too difficult. And now that I'm here, alone all day while my husband is at work.....well, the feelings are finally starting to surface and I've sobbed quite a bit while writing this. And nighttimes are still impossibly hard....after having at least one fur-pot to send me to sleepybye for almost 20 years straight....I can't do it, though my husband hugs me tight and rocks me. As someone on some site said ( I forget where I found this recently ), "Spouses are fine, but we need fur." She couldn't have been more succinct and right about that if she'd tried.

I've had no blatant visitations, either, though Nissa supposedly 'said' that she'd be right ON that, and that she'd be right there with me, even as soon as she was physically gone. I found one new penny, with the current year on it, while we were away, but that's been all I've noticed, and I have been looking and trying to stay aware. All I've had so far was one first dream, with Sabin, not Nissa, in the forefront....the rest have all been nightmares about her.....I never even had that happen with her brother.

But I can't go on any longer this time 'round. I've finally 'gone public' with what has happened, to our darling Nissa, to me, to our family. I've dreaded this day for so long and am still sick to my stomach about it all, even knowing it would someday be a reality. I can't even express everything that's going on inside, except to say.....I just want my girl back, this hurts so horribly, terribly much and I can't believe this day has finally come to pass.

"My darling, sweet Little Nis'....my Button.... my gal with over 60 nicknames.......I miss you so much more than words can ever say....My Pee-Pop, my Pee-Pop, my Love."

[STARKISS]

Hi Maylissa,

First of all I am glad you are back, I missed you. I am very, very sorry for your loss... It is so horrible to have loss one of your loved ones... I can not even imagine what you are feeling except you are probably really numb right now... Because of it being so very new to you...I am sure you will miss Nissa so very much but please remember that she did know that you loved her and were doing all you could for her... Take care and I will Keep you in my prayers.... sending you big hugs Shelley

[MartyT]

My dear Maylissa,

I too am relieved to know that you’ve come back to us, even though I know that doing so was extremely hard for you.

But in coming back, you’ve given us the gift of being here for you, just as you have been here so many times for us, with all the patience, wisdom, compassion and love you’ve given to so many of our members in the year that you’ve been with us.

Your warm presence has been sorely missed by all of us. Please let us take care of you now, and know that we are here for you, holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

[Penny1]

Hi Maylissa,

I am so glad you are back....

I wish I could take your pain away....

You have helped us all so much and now it is our turn to help you with your terrible loss...

I know it must seem so unfair to you to once again have to go through this...

We are all here for you... you are in our thoughts and our prayers.

As Marty said, I know how difficult this is for you... I am so happy you found the strength to come back... we need you...

May God help you find peace, and bless you in your time of need

Big hugs

[Maylissa]

Thank you, for these tender words....

"...and now it is our turn to help you with your terrible loss..."

"Please let us take care of you now..."

....because I have so little strength left now to hold myself up and need the help of those whose hearts can understand my pain and emptiness. I have no help to give and can't get through this alone.

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Maylissa,

I have no words of wisdom to add, and all those who have already posted have also expressed my feelings well, and appreciation for your always being here for us, in spite of the hard times you were having with Nissa.

But I do want to say how very sorry I am for your profound loss. There are no words to take away the pain. But I do hold you and Nissa in my prayers, and wish you serenity in your very difficult journey ahead. We are here and we care.

Serl

[amanda]

hi maylissa,

reading your post has me in tears, im so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl and im sorry for the horrific pain you are feeling.

i know there is nothing i can say to make you feel better,you have been an outstanding mother to nissa,you have endured more than most people and given her time that many babies wouldnt have been given.well done for being a fantastic mum to her.

I think that the vet needs a lesson or two in his bedside manner,he sounds very inconsiderate,us parents need our needs to be reconized also.

i think you are only having nightmares because the pain is so great,in time i hope your dreams will become of a more pleasant nature about nissa.

sorry im not as eleqant with words as some but my love and care comes straight from the heart for you.

Everyone on this site values and cares for you greatly.You were missed whilst you were not here.

take care maylissa.

all my love

amanda

[Maylissa]

Thanks, Serl, for your compassionate words. I guess I'm not expecting any great words of wisdom, but just wanting and needing to share thoughts with others, just as I've tried to do in ANY of the forums here. I'm glad others have appreciated and recognized that I still tried to help even though I had my own hardships to deal with....I didn't think anyone really had, so thanks for mentioning it. Even though I was trying to balance my needs with my girl's, now I'm finding I feel really guilty for not spending that time just sitting right beside her, touching her and talking to her, rather than sitting a few feet away, typing on this computer. I know I was going kind of mental, what with all the caregiving day after day, but I still regret it nonetheless. Now that she's not here at all, I'd give ANYTHING to have those hours spent typing back again, to make up that time with her.

Thank you so much, too, Amanda, not only for your support and appreciation of me, but for letting me know you think I was a great mom to Nissa. When one is questioning every little thing that wasn't perfectly done for a beloved one, it truly helps to hear such words. Although I'd actively worked on lessening my perfectionistic tendencies, when it came to my girl, that work went right out the window, as I always felt she deserved the best of the best and THEN some! NOTHING was too good or too much for my Button!

I'm also appreciative of your take on that vet and the chance to vent some more about it. I know all too well that none of them are perfect ( and too many are FAR from that! ) and that this guy did offer probably more compassion than our regular, local vet would have ( she's quite a cool cucumber most of the time, though technically really good )....still, I figured he must have done this enough times to have it down-pat...like making sure his cellphone was either left in the car or for SURE turned off!!

I can tell your words come straight from the heart and I'm so grateful for them.....I'm just needing a lot of 'pampering' right now, and maybe for quite awhile, cuz I know how long it took me to work through Sabin's passing, although I didn't have any grief sites back then to go to, so hopefully that will make a difference, too.

Edited September 8, 2006 by Maylissa

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Maylissa,

I'm glad that you realize how much your support has meant to all of us on this board. For goodness sakes, in the midst of your own grief, you took the time to send me a personal email. That meant so much to me! As for guilt, I am so sorry you are feeling that, but unfortunately that is another emotion we feel with the loss of a pet, no matter how great a mom we were. The "if onlys!" So I won't try to tell you not to feel guilty or try in any way to invalidate what you are feeling. But it is SO ABUDANTLY clear how much you loved Nissa, and all that you did for her-so much beyond what many other pet owners would have even considered. So with time and as you heal, I hope that the guilt will go away and you will be able to aknowledge what a remarkable mom you are, and how much love you gave Nissa every day of her 19+ years! I have no doubt that Nissa felt that love always and that is why she gave you so much love in return!

Serl

[Maylissa]

Hi Serl,

Thank you so much for that! It made me go "Aaaawwwwww..." and really warmed the cockles of my heart.

I also really appreciate you not trying to talk me out of my guilty feelings - the right approach, if you ask me, cuz I realize I'll have to work through those anyway, in my own way and time. While I don't mind hearing any opposite perspectives, just giving me permission to hold onto those feelings for awhile is so important to hear as well and I know that often that in itself is such a stepping-stone to letting go of them eventually. So even if I backtrack and yak about that more here, know that your approach still helped.

You're definitely right about the love me and my Nissa shared. I always called her my little Love Barometer, she was so instantaneous in demonstrating that lesson of "giving is the same as receiving".....especially via her kisses! We could get into kiss-fests so easily and often spent 10-15 minutes at a time sharing them, with either of us starting the session up again, should one of us not feel completely satiated. Sometimes my lips would actually be kind of raw, if she used the raspy part of her tongue too much! I always told her she and I were Master Kissers and truthfully, in all my life I've NEVER been kissed by anyone, even another human, the way she could do it. I used to sing "Nobody Does It Better" to her, cuz it was SOOOOO applicable! Just as we shared a miiiiiiillion kisses, her repetoire of ways of kissing was just as humongous, from soulful, slow kisses, all the way to feather-light, soft tip-of-the-tongue butterfly kisses and everything in between. Any and all of them never failed to thrill me, to think that I was the lone recipient deserving of such love ****sigh**** and now, every night especially, the lack of those kisses has me in tears so that I can hardly stand it. I WISH I could just have a dream of us kissing, one that felt entirely REAL....this is like battling nicotine addiction, it's become such a part of me, something that all my cells scream out for. And that's just one part of what I miss so terribly much about my girl.

I went through this with Sabin's passing, too, but it's so much worse with Nissa's, as there's no furry love-object left for me to take solace in - with each passing day ( day 16 now ), that yearning for her gets worse and worse. Even I can't imagine how bad it's going to get before it starts to subside. When I think of the months and years ahead of me......I just want to buy a gun right now.....

I'd thought that I could at least pay a visit to my no-kill friend here, to cuddle some of her adoptable cats when the yearning got to be too great, but I'm afraid now that she'll 'regale' me with a bunch of the horror stories that abound about those that have been abandoned, or returned to her shelter because they didn't match the furniture anymore, etc.....and I just can't hear such horrid things right now. Two days ago, she actually wanted me to look through the Animal Protection Act here for some piece of info. and I had to tell her, "Oh, I can't even LOOK at stuff like that right now!" She backed off right away, but I have to take that as a warning about what might happen should I visit her anytime soon. It surprised me, as she'd been SOOOO good when Sabin died and I thought she'd remember how very long it took me, with her calling me about every week for months, to be able to function again....and even then, it was well over 2 years before I could get back into the swing of tackling animal issues as a whole again.

Anyway, the road ahead looks mighty bleak, despite trying to keep occupied around here. Even my husband is caught all up in the daily habits of our old routines with Nissa. We just look at each other often with cow-eyes, whenever we go to check something or do something for her, and realize there's no checking or doing to do now. Oh, gad, it HURTS SO BAD!!!!!

[avsqr_dancer]

Ah, Maylissa,

I am SO SO sorry for you intense pain. You and Nissa surely shared such a special and unique relationship, which is of course, why you are in such pain right now. Sometimes, I too wonder when/if this awful pain will ever end, but I also know (at least intellectually) that all this pain/crying is part of the eventual healing. For me, honestly, although I have had a few other pets before, the death of Tawny has hit me so much harder than any other pet death that I have ever experienced. The love of an animal is so special and so wonderful, but unfortunately we know this day will come-but are we every really prepared?

I think it is very important to validate whatever one is feeling because we feel bad enough without others trying to talk us out of our feeings. I'm glad that you do have the support of your husband. Unfortunately I can not say the same thing. Although he also loved Tawny and I am sure still misses her, he is not one to dwell on things, and so he cannot understand how I can still be in so month pain, a (mere to him) month after! So that is why I seek support here and through a few of my friends who do understand.

Try to be as kind/gentle to yourself as you can. We're here for you. The journey of grief is not a smooth, upward journey only by any means. As I wrote here before, each day, although the pain was as intense, it did not seem to come as often. Then earlier this week, I had a "relaspe" of sorts due I think, partly to seeing my friends' 2 healthy dogs that we (Rick, myself, Tanner, and Tawny) have done so much traveling with. I found myself resenting his 2 healthy dogs who are older than Tawny. But now I am feeling a bit better. So goes the course of grief. Take care and keep in touch. Listening to you and writing to you also helps me!

Serl

[eaglesoaring]

Dear Maylissa

Oh Maylissa I am so very sorry that you lost your beautiful girl. I really dont have the words I want to say, I know that you were the best Mom, and I know that Nissa loved you with all that she had.

Holding you in my heart

and thanks for always being there for me, sorry I have been missing

Hugs Debbie

[Maylissa]

Serl,

You're right, of course....we can prepare intellectually, and even a bit with our hearts, but it's nothing like actually living in the new reality, even if we've been there before. I'd already noticed, many times over, that the intense pain I'd felt over Sabin's death had evolved into a softer pain, one that I could sort of 'relive' if I wanted to, but I tried to avoid that anyway, especially since I was was always so busy taking care of our Button. But when there's a new loss, you're back in it like a dirty shirt, with no real escape possible before it's been purged from your system through all the grief work. I still have, sitting in the kitchen, another e-course I subscribed to and printed out, called "How To ROAR: Recovering From the Grief of Pet Loss" by Robin Jean Brown...as well as Marty's e-course, also printed out. But I haven't even been able to look at them just yet. I think I'm still so tired of having to cry over everyone who's been lost to my earthly life that I'm avoiding whatever I can for now, even though on the other hand, I sort of want to 'get it over with' so I can again see that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm also still so exhausted by the whole last year's caregiving, I just want to be unconscious and not have to think about anything, much less feel agonizing pain. But I know I likely won't be so lucky.

Our husbands still are somewhat alike, in that mine has already quit crying even though he still experiences the painful reminders of our 'Nissa-habits'....but his are also so much fewer than mine and we both know it. Like yours, he 'gets over' loss in jig-time, especially compared to me. So even though he's still being supportive ( I think he knows I'd KILL him if he dared not to! ), it's also not like we can sit and cry together.....already....and it's only been 19 days now. He's got the poor memory thing and exhaustion stuff going, too, but those are things not as easily seen on the surface, and when I cry, he doesn't join in, just looks sympathetic and says something like, " Yah, I know....", so I still feel mainly alone in my grieving cuz it's so much more intense. And even though I know everyone grieves differently and even tried to prepare myself for his typical style of grieving, it still hurts to see that his baby girl's absence isn't felt as keenly as it is for me. I mean, HE was the one she'd wait for all day to come home and get 'pestered' by, and it was abundantly clear that she loved his 'rock-like' energy ( ie. less emotional ), as an escape from the struggles she and I, together, had to live with during the daytime. Heck....I enjoyed it, too! On the other hand, he's also not anywhere near as aware of his inner life as I am about my own, and often misses reactions almost entirely, until I happen to ask if he's experiencing the same things as they come up...then he gets a glimmer of it, but chooses to not sit with it or explore it. So we're still worlds apart this way. And THIS is one of the biggest fears I'd always worried about once Nissa was gone. With her, she and I both felt things keenly and could comfort each other in lovey ways ( and the same with Sabin, though he was better at the providing of comfort...I knew we both understood on a very deep level...and now I must more or less go it alone. Kindred spirits are hard enough to come by in this world, and I've had 2 like that, both with my furkids ( and one with my best girlfriend in school but she died many years ago ). Now I have to see if my husband and I can co-create the same thing at the same level and I'm not sure that can work - I think it's either there from inception, or not. And that alone is hell on earth to me. I know, everyone knows, I was meant for animals and they were meant for me, and that's just the way it is. But what Sabin and I, and Nissa and I, and all 3 of us as a team had....I don't think that can easily be repeated, if at all, so I feel like the best parts of my life are just GONE....just like my girl. Only if they both decide to reincarnate and come back to us, do I think I have a chance at experiencing the same, or better, kind of connection with anyone else ever again. So what's left to live for? I'll always be pining, in any relationship, for what I HAD, suspecting I'll never find it again, even over 2 or 3 more decades if I live that long.

Debbie,

It's so good to hear from you again! And thank you for your condolences. Yes, Nissa's and my love was something else.....this made poignantly clear last night when we went over to our next-door-neighbour's house to extend our sympathies on their last cat's passing, only about 2 wks. before Nissa's. We'd only found out just before we left for our trip when my husband went to ask if they'd keep an eye on our house while we were away and spoke to the husband. I wanted to let her know I couldn't bring myself to get them a card cuz I simply can't go into that card section right now ( not that they got US one, either, mind you ). But this neighbour is one who always allowed me to cry in front of her for each loss, so I still felt badly.

Anyway, the stark difference in their relationship with this, their 3rd cat since living here ( we actually came at one point from the same city and even lived, unbeknownst to any of us, on the same STREET, years ago ), was in sharp contrast to mine/ours with Nissa....again, everyone already knows this, though. But still...it was very hard listening to their story. They'd lost their cat ( and not even one of their favourites ).....while we'd lost our daughter. Their cat was simply left at the vet's to be pts ( from cancer, when their palliative care suddenly wasn't working anymore )...she said she was basically too chicken to go back and be with her at the last.....while we would never even consider such a thing in a million years. Our comfort level always came second in intention to our kidlets'. And they hadn't even told their grandson, who loved all their cats and is a very sensitive, little guy ( bless his heart! ), the truth. He still doesn't even know that their cat is dead! I was horrified, but kept quiet as I was in no frame of mind to offer any options. I was left feeling very alone again....alien to most of the people in this world....and went numb again, as I felt I just couldn't really share my true feelings about Nissa in such company, even though they already know how close we were.

And yesterday was a gruesome day overall anyway. We got the delivery of a new mattress which we'd bought while still in shock the very first week after - our backs REALLY needed a new one. It was terribly painful to be making all sorts of changes so soon after Nissa had gone....new, higher bed in our MBR, one that Nissa never would have been able to leap up to in the last while, so thank goodness we hadn't had the time to shop for one before, because of all her care needs; changing our other BR around to accomodate our old bed and getting the old, old bed from there taken away...another bed that Nissa and I would have the occasional snooze, or even sleep, on should her Daddy's snoring be too much for me one night....the bed that Sabin had spent alot of time on (with me and his sister) when he was so ill in his last week with us. Everything just felt so WRONG! Too many familiar items, changed, or gone! Had we had to get rid of our old bed, the one Nissa left us on, I couldn't have agreed to get a new mattress at all. At least it's still here, though in a different room. But after having to face all this change in one, tiny day....more of that numbness and holding-back HAD to come out! I suddenly found myself in that dark pit of despair that I've come to hate so much....bawling my eyes out for a few hours, with only a few seconds' break to be able to breath again before I could continue crying. The enormity....the HUGE enormity of Nissa's absence was surfacing, and I quickly got to that point where I just wanted to die, so I could be with her, and my Bud ( Sabin ) again....away from this world of tears and partings and totally-broken, empty, hole-filled hearts! After FINALLY having felt that familiar pain again ( but this time with more panic involved, cuz she was my last 'stronghold' ), I realized for certain that yes, I've been subconsciously avoiding going there....it's TOO painful this time. But so is the numbness, so I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to feel EITHER one...I just want to be unconscious, so I don't have to feel ANYTHING. It's horrible....having lost my daughter, my usually-predictable-self ( even in grief, I've come to know what to expect from ME )....I'm in a true wasteland now. All this education about grief...I'm not sure it's done me any favours....cuz I now know how LONG I take in getting through it, and I just...don't...want...to...go...there, for even mere weeks, never mind the years it usually takes me! I don't want to do ANYTHING....no grief-work, no nothing...I think I'd actually welcome the Void I'd always been so afraid of....except even there, consciousness is still alive. It's times like this I begin to wish that death was truly final, with a complete end to consciousness and the pain it brings. I don't think I CAN live without my girl, and even if I can, I just don't want to.

[MartyT]

My dear Maylissa,

You said, I don't want to do ANYTHING....no grief-work, no nothing... and yet I see that you’ve managed to respond to some of our other members’ posts today. Good for you – I know that this takes enormous effort and no small amount of courage. I also believe that it is one of the most important ways for you to find your balance again, after having been knocked completely out of balance by the death of your beloved Nissa.

I believe that your gift for reaching out to others in their pain can be very healing for you as well as for the people you help, Maylissa. Perhaps by helping others, we each give ourselves some brief respite from needing to be helped. In this way, we all can take turns being strong and being weak.

I read a poem today that made me think of you, and I hope it will speak to you as it did to me:

Heart-Room

by P.G. White

When I first took the measure

of my heart,

I could not see,

the light was dim.

A friend held

the lamp while I looked in.

There was room for someone’s sorrow

and another person’s pain.

And plenty of room for other people’s tears,

that feel like rain.

The depth of my compassion,

everyone could see.

But none of it really mattered until

there was room in my heart

for me.

Source: Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, © 2006 by P. Gill White, TheSibling Connection

[Maylissa]

Dear Marty,

First, I want to thank you for still keeping an eye out for me. It makes me feel really cared about and that's one of the things I need right now when feeling so vulnerable and alone, as grief makes one feel.

Yes, I know I've been trying to post ( from in my nightclothes, sometimes up 'til 4 p.m.! ), and I know that sometimes there is that feeling of respite from one's own concerns....I've experienced that many times before on this, and other, boards. But with Nissa's loss.....I'd have to say, for the most part, no.....I'm just trying to find others who will not only allow but encourage me to talk about my girl, my feelings, as they come up. There has been much going on inside my head and heart that I haven't written about, because even that has been to exhausting to type all out, and yet it may still need to be expressed. And every day brings something new....I can't even keep up.

It is that "room in my heart for me" part of the poem ( I'd seen this poem before, long ago ) that made me cry....I need much more help than I can possibly give back right now. That is what propels me into reaching out....reaching out....it's purely selfish in base intent, and that's supposed to be okay at times like this, so I'm going with that. I know it's bad, personally, when I can't even muster up the strength to make a phonecall to get myself counselling, locally, or phone the pet loss support group here. I haven't even been able to do all my thank-you cards for those who sent flowers and cards and ecards for our loss of Nissa. It's all too much effort. So posting is all I can do, hoping for replies, as at least I can just sit still and not have to get up much, or see all the reminders of our girl around the house, the million things for her that I'm so used to doing and that just don't need doing now....

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Maylissa,

I read your last post and was also thinking about some of what you wrote to me before. Although your husband has been more supportive than my DH, he is not as supportive as you would like. The truth is that we all mourn in our own way and in our own time. And although it definitely helps to have others around, I think, in the end that grieving is basically a solitary endeavor. Even as in our cases, when our husbands also loved our dear furbabies, and miss them now, we each had a unique relationship with our pet that they did not share. Also some people just feel things more deeply, as I suspect is the case with you, and know is the case with me. At times like this, this deep emotion causes us so much more pain. But we are also able to experience a lot more deep love.

As for going to counseling or a pet loss group, I believe that in time, you will be ready to pick up that phone or get yourself to one of those meetings. Don't push yourself, do only as much as you can do, one day at a time. Unfortunately, we don't have a pet loss group where I live (at least not one I'm aware of) because if we did, I'd be going there now. So this is also my best resourse too, although I do also go to therapy, which I started last summer with the death of my parents.

My heart goes out to you and you continue to be in my prayers.

[Maylissa]

Dear Serl,

Firstly, thanks so much for continuing to reply to my postings. I feel less alone because of it.

What you say is all right, of course. I know these things, yet still rail against them when I'm in such need. I know, my H and I both know, that my relationship with Nissa was far and away much more intense than his with her. I was the one at home with her all the time, the one who took care of most of her needs and special needs ( except for some of the 'dirtiest' work, like sub-cu...I don't do well with needles! ), and of course, I was the only one, except for one 'mistaken' incidence, and one deliberate incidence, who was the chosen recipient for all her kisses. I was also the one who gave her Reiki ( took the course just for her ) daily, who took an animal communication wknd. course years ago to try it for our own kidlets ( wasn't able to keep it up as I was too emotionally-involved...and actually, didn't even really need it with Sabin, we were so in-tune with each other anyway, and he was SOOO adept at 'sending' to me ), and on and on. Nissa was also MY supporter, whereas her Daddy never even asked her for that.

And strangely, something's shifted in the last day, for now at least. My H came home yesterday soooooooo down, suffering from insomnia, lack of willpower, sadness, apathy towards life. So I know he's suffering, too, even if he isn't shedding tears. This may have been brought about by a sign we believe Nissa sent the evening before last. He was brushing his teeth, with the bathroom door closed as usual, while I was in the other BR getting ready for bed, too. He found me a few minutes later, already in bed and kissing my 'stuffie' ( my surrogate Nissa that I'd had to buy to get to sleep ). I'd been asking her to PLEEEEEASE send me, or even Daddy, a sign, just that day, and a friend had also offered to pray for these for us, too. It was also the first day I'd finally sobbed, quite a bit, like my more usual self, and let in a bit of the new reality ( each subsequent day is getting harder and harder, missing her presence more and more....I remember this horror from Sabin's passing ). We'd been discussing this whole thing earlier that evening, especially my angst from receiving no bigger signs from her. He came in the bedroom and said to me, "Okay, YOU did that, didn't you? " I asked him what he was talking about. He said that while he'd been brushing his teeth, he heard scratching of the carpet outside the door, twice, and he opened the door, expecting to see ME there. Meanwhile, I'd been brushing my own teeth. At first, I thought he was just making this up, just to make me feel better, and was still a little doubtful about his denying it. We shut off the light and had just laid down in bed when one of her pictures which was in front of one of the bouquets for her fell over! He turned on the light, each of us expecting to maybe see something, and I called out quietly, "Nisski?......is that you? " I was elated! This was the second big sign that Sabin had sent, to me and Nissa, after he'd crossed! And even though I hadn't been the one she'd sent it to, it made sense, as her usual routine included sitting, waiting & usually also yelling at her Daddy on the other side of his bathroom door at night, calling him to open the door and come and have a bedtime play ( or in later days, just some bedtime scritches ) in the 'play' room. I told my H that, seeing as she maybe couldn't manage sending a yell, scratching the carpet was the next best thing she could do...but that she was still letting him and us know that she was still here, still our girl....and that maybe she was also trying to encourage him to kiss ME more at bedtime, just as she'd always done!

So yesterday, when he came home so down, I suggested to him that I thought our girl had made more of a dent in his heart than he'd realized. He jokingly replied, "Well I'm glad that my depression is making you feel better!" and we managed to share a small chuckle, although bittersweet.

I also had received what I thought, at the time, was the first really noticable sign from Nissa, the day after we'd come back from our long wknd. trip. It was 4 p.m. before I'd finally gotten dressed, then went out to get the mail. When I turned around to come back to the house, I suddenly saw this huge, pink ball sitting on our front lawn, unnoticeable from the inside because of the big spruce tree it was in front of. Even if it had been left, for some reason, by neighbourhood kids, it must have sat there for some time. It seemed very personal to me. You see, I'd always sensed Nissa's energy as this baby-pink colour, all soft yet firm. I'd also taken to calling her ( among all her other names ) My Little Pinkie, because of it. And as well, one of the last communicators I'd used, who is also a medical inuitive, had me doing some energy exercises for her, which normally ended with surrounding the animal in a ball of white light....but for Nissa, she'd sensed that I should use PINK light instead. This was also the colour that had always came to my mind instantaneously whenever I'd connect my heart-centre to hers during my own communications with her, AND, whenever I'd have to leave the house I'd do a prayer over her and end it with surrounding her with an energy-BALL, which in the last while had been PINK, not white. Plus, this huge ball on the lawn strangely happened to be just about the right, same size of the ones I'd make for her with my arms. I just left it there, and the next time I looked, that evening, it was gone. I was sure it was from her, as like most signs, it was so personal in meaning.

There are other things that I think, in retrospect, might have also been signs, but I've been so dead and numb that I think I've been missing them at the time. But to have at least these two.....they make me feel a bit better in hoping that she's okay, and is trying her best to get through that veil. I have to admit, though, that I'm still hoping and praying for a more TACTILE sign, like the one big one Sabin sent me....or her scent, which she'd promised to send. And, just like before with her brother's passing, and UNlike most other people's experiences, these have not shown up UNLESS I was feeling the intense pain that day....when they know I really NEED a sign or I would surely go mental with grief and longing. Well, Nissa SAID she'd be continuing to teach me even after she 'left', so I can only hope that more and more learning and experiences are on the way.

I put away or throw out only a few items of hers every few days ( like supplements I can't use, or more meds, herbs, etc. that are just painful to look at ), but most of her other things are still just as they were when she left, or moved only slightly. It's too painful to move them, even touch them. The shadow-box we'd had custom-made for her at the same time as the one for her brother will also have to wait to be filled....can't even think about that yet. I'd like, at some point, to do a Life Celebration for her and invite just a handful of friends, or maybe just 2. She'd 'said' she LIKED my ideas for this memorial. It would be separate from her burial, whenever that's to be....maybe not even 'til next Spring, for all I know. I play this, as most things, by ear/heart. I plan on serving things like tuna sandwiches, catnip and bilberry tea...things she enjoyed herself....and we'll have to work, slowly, on putting together a video and pictures for everyone to watch. And I'll use my Mum's china, in respect for both of them, and because my girl deserves only the finest of things. But that's all in the distant future...I haven't even done my thank-you cards yet - I'm avoiding it, consciously.

In the meantime, I'm starting to feel more and mourn more intensely, but at least I get some release of the stuck pain and in that sense, it's better than the deadness....but they both suck in their own ways.

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Maylissa,

Although it is harder to feel the pain, than to continue to feel numb, I also believe that this is still another step toward the healing process.

I'm glad that you have finally felt that you had a sign from Nissa. I have asked for a sign from Tawny for some time now, but have not recieved it yet. But I think that part of my problem is that I am not really a believer or maybe more accurately that I do not know what I believe. Part of the difficulty I've had over Tawny's loss is that I continue to worry about her. I worry about if she is alright, is she happy, loved, at peace etc. And especially since she was so young, was she ready for death or did she struggle against it? Those are the issues I continue to grapple with along with the feeling of the loss of her physical prescence. For me, part of the difficulty was that she was SO young, and I just do not think that it was fair to her and to all of us who loved her. But I know that life is often not fair.

For you, I realize that it was so especially difficult both because you had your dear Nissa in your life for so long, and also because you were her main caretaker so you cannot help but feel her loss all the deeper. The crying is awful, so so painful, but also healing in the end. One day I believe that you (and I) will feel better and feel some peace again, which is certainly what I want and what I pray for us, and for anyone else in this kind of pain.

I also want to let you know that I will be going out of town for a week-leaving this Sat and returning the following Sat. We are going on a boat trip, our last for this season. And although I enjoy them, and usually look forward to them, I am actually dreading this trip because our last trip ended up being Tawny's last trip with us, and also where we first saw some of her symptoms and realized that something was wrong. I dread walking back to the RV early in the morning after we have waterskiied cuz Tawny will not be on the dashboard wriggling her whole body in total excitment upon our return. I know the tears will come at that time. But Tanner will be be there, just as excited once he knows where are back, even if he won't be on the dashboard. And he will accompany us as always the rest of the day. And we are going nevertheless. So I don't want you to think that I am ignoring you. I will check the board when I return, and tomorrow as well. I will wish you continued heaing during the week to come. You will remain in my thoughts and in my prayers.

Serl

[Maylissa]

Bless you, Serl, for that. I'll post later and you can read it whenever....for now I have to get ready and get back to the chiro. this morning. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as well.

[Maylissa]

Serl,

Well I know that some signs are subtler than others and I do believe that believing in the possibility of them is a help, or maybe it just makes us more aware of the details around us so we're able to notice them. Last night I heard what sounded to me just like Nissa jumping onto the kitchen counter to come down from her cupboard above the fridge, where I used to keep a pillow for her to curl up on. My H was with me on the couch, yet didn't hear a thing. This is the same kind of thing that used to happen with Sabin - me and Nissa would clearly hear Sabin-sounds, but he wouldn't, though we were all sitting in the same place together. I've also learned to make a point of logging all signs so I don't forget about any of them.

Your worries over Tawny's well-being are very common to those of us who love our animals so much. I had an incident myself yesterday about that very thing. Recurring bad dreams about Nissa's welfare and a feeling of negligence on my part finally led me to call her Reiki practitioner, who allayed some of my fears and also led me to call the highly-recommended Christian psychic she suggested I take my concerns to. This man assured me repeatedly that Nissa was fine and very well-taken care of, and not in some kind of trouble, as I'd been suspecting. His skill lies in seeing those who have passed and so I've decided to believe his words and try to relax about this for now and hope these dreams don't repeat themselves while I work through everything. Her Reiki practitioner said she'd felt her energy before, during and after her passing. She'd been taking alot of the Reiki in beforehand, but spiritually, not physically, so she must have been very close to dying already. Afterwards, she got some sadness from Nissa, so she must have been missing me &/or or her life here, for awhile. Then her energy got heavy and this is a sign of having to rest her spirit for awhile, which is apparently common for those, both human and animal, who've had a long, debilitating illness or other chronic condition to deal with on earth. But then she sent her more yesterday and felt her energy had lightened, so I'm hoping that means she's no longer needing to rest and can enjoy herself more in her original Home. If I remember right, I've also been told that those who go suddenly, w/o any warning, often have to adjust for a time as well, as they might be confused as to what happened to them.

As for those animals or humans who die young, apparently that's not supposed to be of big concern to them. I've read of children who are dying being much MORE accepting of death than their parents and w/o fear. And animals, by their very nature, are more accepting of death to begin with than we are. So I think you can lay that fear to rest, at least as far as Tawny's attitude towards it. In the wild, they can die or be killed at a moment's notice, no matter their age. Plus, according to every animal communicator I've ever used or read works from, animals are much closer to Spirit than we've become, so see death quite differently than we in the Western World do. They may not want to leave us, but death itself isn't frightening to them and they have a better and purer understanding of it. So please don't fret about that aspect. I'm pretty sure that once they return to spirit and remember that they can visit us anytime they wish to, whether we sense them or not, they feel much better than WE do! Like humans, they may choose to take on more learning or helping/teaching others, just as they did here, or they may choose to return here, either to us or to someone new. Or they may just rest and enjoy their own, special enclave, but still can visit other levels for periods of time. Time doesn't even exist the same way there as it does here, so they say. So a year here might only seem like seconds or minutes there. It's certainly not like they're alone there, either, as we all have loved ones from this life and others, and since we're all connected anyway and telepathy is the normal mode of communication there, they can connect with anyone they want, at the speed of thought. These are all comforting things that I count on to help me get through, even if I have to wait to experience them again for myself.

But in the meantime, yes, it's the heartbreaking experience of trying to get used to life without my darling girl, and I'm not finding it any easier each day. And I'm missing her more with each day that goes by, which is normal but excruciating. It's hard to have something to look forward to when you know how painful your future is going to be for a good, long while. It's true that having someone in your life for longer equals that many more habits and an entire lifestyle that is so hard to live without when that world collapses in one mind-blowing moment. Sure, I have that many more memories to cherish, too, but none of us wants to be left with nothing but memories.

I know I, too, felt it wasn't fair and that I and my family had been robbed when Sabin died earlier than expected, at age 13. And this is far older than Tawny's age, so I can only imagine how cheated you feel. But no matter what someone's age when they leave, I have to fall back on believing that whatever lessons and teachings they came here to accomplish, they must have somehow finished them to their soul's satisfaction, or they wouldn't be leaving. That's the only thing that makes any sense to me, so that's what I use.

I can also certainly understand your reluctance in going away to do something that will bring up some more pain. With us, I knew that just the act of going away would be so hard, because of WHY we could actually finally go away at all. But even though I used our trip to run away and distract myself from the pain, I still think it was good for me, overall. It was like forcing a 'first' on myself, really early in the game, so that the next trip might not be quite as painful. And it's not like there weren't a few, small moments when I actually enjoyed something. That's all I hoped for and I got that much out of it. So whether you read this before you're gone, or after you're already back, if you find even one little thing that was good about it, I say good enough! And yes, at least Tanner will still be there and maybe he'll help you out more than you can fathom just yet. So have as good a time as you can, and if it's all a wash, you can come back and vent away to your heart's content. And thanks for giving me the head's-up beforehand! That was very considerate of you, Serl. Talk to you later and you'll be in my thoughts, too.

Edited September 16, 2006 by Maylissa

[avsqr_dancer]

Thanks for your comforting words, Maylissa. I will respond more fully when I return, but I just want you to know that the things you said have brought me comfort and I appreciate that. My H also said something similar to what you said about the trip-that I need to "get back on the horse" so to speak and confront my fears-of my intense feelings of sadness, which I guess makes sense.

I am sorry to hear that your pain intensifies as each day goes by. I wll talk to you when I return and will continue to pray that you will begin to feel at least some sense of peace mixed in with your intense feelings of missing Nissa/

[foxslady]

Dear Maylissa,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking what you have gone through. I've lost more than one cherished darling and they are a great part of our lives.

Years ago I had a wonderful kitty named Buttons, who was amazing. Highly intelligent and devoted. He never left my side and listened to every thing I said. It was terrible when he came in one day and died in front of me. We suspected a poison. I missed him terribly and had a hard time getting over him.

Many months later, I was lying in bed one night and out of the blue, he jumped onto my pillow as he always did. I was startled, but somehow not surprised. He pawed the pillow a little as he had done in the past and nuzzled my face. I had no fear, just a comforting feeling. As quickly as he came, he jumped off the bed, and I never saw him again. Believe it or not, it was very real. I was not asleep as I'd just gotten into bed and shut off the light. It made me understand that they too have an afterlife. Something I'd never considered before. That he was telling me he was OK and missed me too.

Nissa may or may not send you a sign of her existence, or it could be so subtle that you miss it. but please know that she does remain in your heart for all time. I know that for a fact.

Bright Blessings

[spela]

Maylissa,

only now I read about your loss. I am so sorry. I just don't know what else to say, it's so hard to think about letting our dear animals go. Though we know that someday it will happen, but ... I am sorry for your loss.

[Maylissa]

foxslady,

Thank you for your condolences, and mine to you, for your own losses. The sudden and tragic way Buttons died is just awful...no furbaby should have to go in such a horrible fashion, and no Mom should have to experience such a thing, either. My heart breaks for you and it's no small wonder you found it so hard to go through your grief over him.

But I'm actually wondering if your very post is another sign from my girl, as one of her oft-used nicknames was "BUTTON"! I've been noticing this quite a bit....people posting ( most from another board for pet loss ) whose online name, or their own animal's name, is the same as one of our girl's. ( If this is you, Sweetie, Mommy thank you SO MUCH, my girl!! xoxoxox )

Not only was Buttons amazing, but so was his sign to you!!!! I have to admit I'm jealous (!), but I'm also so glad that you shared it. Did you actually see him, too, or was it too dark in the room? Yes, I believe it, as I've heard tell of some others who are fortunate to get such powerful signs and it's similar to the one Nissa's brother had sent me, where he tromped my hair and nuzzled my ear, as he'd always done....that's the kind of thing I need from Nissa, too, so I'll have that to carry with me from this time forward. But so far, only the 2 bigger signs that I mentioned in my Post #17 ( above ), plus finding pennies from this year ( '06 ) quite frequently....and the name thing. But there's nothing like a tactile visit, if you ask me!

I've often wondered....do they not 'bother' sending these more powerful signs if one already believes more strongly in their continuing life....cuz you don't need it quite as much as otherwise? I hope not....otherwise I'll never get one from my girl, as it was her brother who first taught me, demonstrated and proved to me, that this is so. But it's like I need to know it's ALSO true for my GIRL! ( like she made it there and is okay, for SURE )

There's NO QUESTION she'll always be in my heart, in my very soul, as we're part of each other, as we've been ever since we knew each other....but I'd still like one of those BIG signs! I just don't know how I'll cope without that. There's no remaining baby here with us to suddenly start kissing me the way she did, for instance, showing me clearly that Nissa's coming through via someone else, even if only for a moment. There's nothing, and nobody, and even the neighbourhood cats ( the few that are allowed to roam around ) aren't coming around lately. Plus....I just expected this from her, of all furpeople, since we were so much a part of each other, and she was also a catalyst for my learning about energy and things metaphysical.

spela,

It's good to hear from you again and I'm glad you 'found' me in this forum...not that I wanted to have to be here, for myself this time. Yes, it's impossibly hard and most days I still can't even really believe this time has come for me.....like this very morning....woke up saying to myself, "I just can't DOOOOO this!!!" But it's hard to escape from yourself! If it wasn't, that's exactly what I'd be doing...hence our need for shock and numbness - it's the best escape we can manage for ourselves.

Edited September 18, 2006 by Maylissa

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Maylissa and all other pet lovers on this board,

Just wanted to let you know that I am back from my trip. It was not as painful as I anticipated, but those painful moments were there.(Remembering Tawny on her last trip with us). But then these painful moments are with me here at times as well.

I hope that you are feeling at least a bit better.

To Button's mom-I also enjoyed reading about Button-esp. cuz this is where I struggle the most-how is Tawny now and where is she? I still worry about her. If only I could really believe that she is okay wherever she is, that there is some type of afterlife, then I know I would feel better, at least in this regard. So hearing of your sign from Button was very comforting. I continue to wait for a sign from Tawny, but perhaps I have already received one, but wasn't aware of it. I just don't know.

Anyway, hope that all are coming along in their grief journey, as I am doing, and hope for peace for us all.