Tired/moods/anxiety

[DoubleJo]

I'm so into what everyone has written right now when someone asked about posters not posting, and the replies given. I've had 2 husbands and both parents die in the past 4 1/2 years. My last husband died this Feb. one month after getting married. My mom 2 months after that. Have no family or kids.

Started working really hard last month to get out and make all new connections. Had no outside friends for many of the same reasons you guys gave- worked with spouse, spouse best friend etc. Well, I've laughed some, felt good at times. This last week was very stressful as I had a lot of places I committed to to meet new people. All very nice and warm people.

But today I am so drained, so very very exhausted. Someone I'm paying to

repair my house was supposed to show up early in the week. When they didn't I felt anxiety. Why? I figured because it made me feel very vulnerable and ALONE. Without my loving supporter. Because it was another reality kick that my guy is dead. I can say dead. I cannot yet say either one of my husbands are gone forever. That kills me to say. When I mention that I'm too tired to do this or that people are so surprised. So many people are busy running around filling up their time. To us here time is precious and meaningful. Then these same people get analytical and say I must be depressed. But I'm not. I like life. I was blessed to find a second wonderful man wonderful in his own way. I'm only 56 so who knows what else is out there for me? But gee-grief, sadness, the occassional crying jags, or the weepy moments- they're tireing. Awfully so.

I have many new things with many new people I've thrown myself into. So many things to say but too tired to post. Perhaps weary is the best word for me.

Yes, I am tired and very weary.

I say hello and wish you all the best. Doublejo

[kayc]

Life requires a lot of effort now whereas before it was just enjoyable. Not that there isn't enjoyment now, but now it takes concerted effort to find it. Before you didn't think about it, the weekend came and with it, time with your husband...and the time that you looked forward to all week long. I'm looking for work, my furnace quit working and the repairman never showed up and now my car is making sounds it shouldn't and I'm broke. Life is a struggle. I don't think I'm depressed either...I'm a strong person with a zest for life, but sometimes life as it is, overwhelms me. Being alone, always alone...

[DoubleJo]

Kayc:

I appreciate your quick response. Yes, you clarified this so well. We have to plan, look for, seek out, and then work to make the efforts that once were so simple and natural. It's a helpless feeling being so caught, so stuck in a situation without the help, support or comfort of someone you knew you could depend on. There was no concern about trust or believing a person. That alone was so comforting. The two of you could see all the problems life brings together, halving the burdens' load, making the difficult times bearable. It does overwhelm. I try to get a larger perspective. I make myself aware of how common this situation is. All us women left alone.

Add to this is our closer touch to death, the other side, because we experienced the slip from here to there in our loved ones' death. This is a very big thing to deal with. A common reality we ourselves got closed to. And of course it makes you aware of how close we ourselves are getting to the same destination.

I hope in your aloneness you rarely feel lonely.

doublejo

[chrissy777]

It is so hard to be so alone. Even if you have people in your life you dont have your other half the person who completed you.. I discribe it as part of me died too. It is very hard. I agree that you have to try extra hard to find the good things about life anymore.. I fortunatly am expecting my first child anyday now so I will have that joy. It is kinda bittersweet though not havin my husband here to go through it with is gonna be tough but I thank God for this treasure everyday... I know a day will come for all of us where we can see better than anyone what is good about life. Right now it is hard to see that but someday I beleive we will.. Take care of yourself right now It really does help to talk to others who feel as you do.

[LarrysGirl]

I've never been one to sit still. I've always wanted to accomplish something everyday and taking care of Larry kept me busy. Now that he is gone, I intially found myself running from one thing to another trying to keep my life the same but it hasn't worked out that way. Fatique and tiredness come with grief no matter how strong you are. I don't like feeling this way and have fought against it but I've gotten so tired (10 months since he died) that my body has finally pushed me to slow down some and let that be okay. Its hard but I'm trying to listen to my body and finally take care of myself, even if its only a little bit. Maybe we all need to just let ourselves slow down a minute and take a deep breath if you can.

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I have been wondering how it is going for you with your expecting your baby any time now. I know it will be hard to not have your husband physically there with you when that most important event comes, but I think somehow he will be there, aware of what is happening, and pulling for you and the baby. Let the triumphant event itself outreign any sorrow you have and enjoy that baby...for all of us! We're happy for you that it's happening.

[DoubleJo]

My warmest congrats on your special joy waiting for you. Yes, all the things that would be only happy now have a duality. Each thing is a reminder either that a special person is not there for the sharing, or the reason we are doing something positve is because they are gone. Someone wrote once that when they pay off their mortgage it will not be "the happy day" because of the reason they will be able to- life insurance money. It is very frustrating, happy and sad at the same time. It makes me feel good to read from you positive strong people. Even though we feel overwhelmed at times, we don't give in or up. After all, if we are lucky enough to be blessed with living on, we should grab what good is out there from it.

[chrissy777]

Still no baby yet.. My due date was the 19th they will only let me go to Oct 3 before they induce me so it has to happen soon whether he wants to come out or not. I am getting much more excited as it gets closer and I know Jason will be there with me in my heart. Take care everyone

[dpodesta]

Chrissy, you are in my prayers, I know everything will turn out good. Like everyone has said the loneliness is the hardest to overcome, You can be in a room full of people and still feel completly alone. Luckliy we have this site so that we know that we are not alone in the journey.

I have had a though running through my head for the last couple of days, this might not be the perfect topic to post it here, but I will anyway:

It is far better to have loved someone and lost them than to never have loved.

I don't know where it came from, but I wanted to share it on this site.

God bless all

[MartyT]

Dear Derek,

Thank you for that. I love it, too. It's from the last verse in the poem In Memoriam by Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

I hold it true, what'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

[spela]

Yes, loneliness is hard ... Anxiety attack - I've had them too, and I am quite sure it's because of being lonely all the time. However, I went to see my doctor and I'm on antidepressants now and feeling much better. Physically and also emotionally.

I'm not suggesting you should do the same, but it's helping me. At least for now.

And Marty and Derek, thank you for the poem.

[chrissy777]

Derek,

You are so right. I think to myself sometimes what if I never meet Jason sure I wouldnt be greiving right now but I never wouldve experienced the greatest love I had ever felt and I have thanked God alot for having that opportunity. Take care

[dpodesta]

Thank you Marty, I knew it came from somewhere, just didn't know where.

[AnnC]

Yes, I believe that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I used to think that was very glib. But I lost my husband twice. When he came out as gay, we had to get divorced, and I was devastated. Then years later, when we reconnected and became dear friends, a few months later he died. The pain is indescribable.

But he said to me during his illness, that he thought I must be sorry I ever married him. But I'm not. I followed my heart, and I know he did too. He was always my best friend, always in my corner, no matter what. Would I have wanted to deprive myself of that? Would I be happy to sit here and say I never felt the pain of grief because I never took the risk to love? No way. If this is the price I pay for having loved him and had his love in my life, then I will gladly pay it, despite the pain.

[kellymarie]

I absolutely agree with everyone here about 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Derek, it's funny you posted this comment. Either on Tues or Weds this week I was driving in my car and realized with clarity that, despite the horrible misery of the past 6 months, I absolutely would have chosen to love and lost than never to have loved at all.

This experience has changed me in ways that I would never want to go back to the old me. So much wisdom and understanding comes with such an experience.

[chrissy777]

This experience has changed me in ways that I would never want to go back to the old me. So much wisdom and understanding comes with such an experience.

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

You hit the nail on the head, What has happened has changed me in ways I never would have believed. I look at life so differently now. I see how precious life is and realize how easily it can be gone. I would not want to go back to my old self, although I wish there was a way for me to be with Karen and know what I know now. By your posting, I can tell that you haven't had the baby yet, it will be soon and I can't wait to hear the news.

[kellymarie]

It is amazing how much this experience has changed us. I would have never wanted something so horrible to happen in my life at such a "young" age. But I never want to go back either. It's strange. You never, ever would want this to happen to you; you would never wish this on your worst enemy. Yet we seem to agree that we wouldn't change things. We would never change the love we experienced eventhough we have suffered so.

Chrissy, I agree also with what you said: It also makes you realize what is really important in this world and what is trivial. Spending time with friends my age who have not experienced such a loss, things seem so "important" to them. Yet to me, their issues seem so trivial. But not in a mean way that I say this. It's just now so simple to me. Losing a loved one really instills a new outlook on life. One we all wouldn't change.

Lots of hugs to everyone, Kelly

[kayc]

I've given a lot of thought to this...it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It seems to me we could just as easily say, "It's better to have lived and lost than to have never lived at all." It really is the same thing. I think back to what my life was before George...going through the motions...almost dead in comparison to how life after meeting him was. Even with all of the problems he had and the resulting pain it caused me, even though I am worse off financially, even though he's left me in pain and confused...one thing I know, we loved each other. I think back to how I felt when I laid my head on his chest and it felt like the best place in the world to be. I know now that we may or may not have made it due to his drug problems and baggage, but I can't absolutely know an outcome that was never fully tried. I do know that I loved him and he loved me. And whether or not we would have made it together or not, I still loved him and would have continued to love him...it's just, there are some things I can't put up with, drugs being one of them. But that has nothing to do with love. And oh how we loved each other. We always seemed to understand each other and have faith in each other. My faith has been sorely shaken this last year and more, but some things I have to leave to God...and this outcome is one. God did know best, even though I am in pain, even though I miss George, oh God, how I miss him. But some things are worse than the parting of death, and having to tell someone you love with all your heart that they can't be with you any more is worse than the parting by way of death...even though death seems so final. Really, it's not final, I will get to see him again, and when I do, all of his problems, all of life's struggles will be long gone and won't matter any more...it will be a fresh start in eternity. I have someone else now, and I love him too...it's different than my love with George, and that's okay. He told me the other day that he thinks sometimes I forget that I'm his, that he thinks I think I am still partly George's...but that's not true. It's hard to explain how it is with death to someone who has never been through it before, but he's trying to understand, and he is so patient and loving...I can't imagine how hard all of this must be for him. He gives me the time and space I need to process things and heal. It has all been quite an evolution. Someone remarked to me the other day that it's all so fresh...fresh? It's been over 15 months and it feels like years to me. I feel like I have aged...I feel so much older now. I know I will never be the same again. Some of that is good and some of it is not. Some of it has left its scars on me...but in other ways I have learned so much. You never take anything for granted again. You don't look on life the same. It puts things in to perspective. You work harder at your outlook and focus and attitude. You learn the grace of abundant forgiveness and acceptance. I am considering options I have never considered before. Life is just different. I used to think it would go on the same...weekends would arrive, we would spend them together, life would just go on...we would grow old together, retire together, enjoy life's sunrises and sunsets together...that didn't happen. Now I am alone, I live alone, I'm out of work, I have no one to lean on, no one to pull with, no one with whom to share these responsibilities...no one notices if I come home or not, and there isn't someone here to talk over my day with. Friends have all moved on and none of them call here any more. I don't even hear from my daughter. The people who care, John, my son Paul, my sisters, they all live far away. So I have to learn to do life alone, for now, to some extent. I have to learn to shop and cook for just me, to come home to a dark cold house, to figure out how to do things on my own. I have to learn to have faith in myself. I have to learn to be patient with the future. And sometimes that's hard. I don't think you ever get over the death of a beloved spouse. I don't see how that could be possible. A part of him will always be with me. A part of our life will always be mine...it will continue to live inside of me, along with dogs and cats that I have loved and lost, along with my dad that passed away 24 years ago, along with memories and other parts of my life that long since changed and left me. All of this transition and change is a part of us, a part of our lives. My John has memories that are a part of him too...memories of past loves, even though the people themselves are not dead, they are gone and moved on and we carry those memories and the mark those people left on us, we carry them with us always...they help make up who we are, who we have become. We don't view everyone in our past the same...I had a first husband that was horrible and abusive...I do not cherish memories with him, there isn't much good to remember and I don't see the point...but my next husband was the father of my kids, we were married for 23 years, and even though it ended in divorce, I have some good memories as a family...I cherish those memories and carry them with me. George and I were only married 3 years and 8 months, but we loved like I had never thought possible, and I will try to relegate our relationship to one of fond memories...we had much good together. John and I are building memories together...it is fresher, newer and the slate is cleaner...we can make of it anything that we want to yet...and my hope is that we take with us all that we have learned in our collective past to build something good together. Life is strange...you never know how it'll go.

Edited September 26, 2006 by kayc

[dpodesta]

KayC

Wow!! What a statment. You have so much going for you that a lack of a job, or lack of anything else can take away from you. I wish you were my next door neighbor, because I would check up on you, and Carson would to. He is always wanting to go over and see what the neighbors are doing. I would if I could come and give you the big hug you deserve right now. I can hear so much in what you write, it is like I have known you for a couple of years even though it has only been a few months. You are a very kind and caring person and I am glad to have met you and have you in my life even if it is only through a computer screen. I agree with your statement at the begining which brings another thought to mind "If you have never loved, then you have never lived" they are one in the same. Kay, I hope everything turns out well for you in your job search, I keep praying for you and think about you often. You will find the right job one day, I just know that you will. Give yourself a big hug from me.