Your Thoughts Appreciated-

[TerryB]

Doug had a very good friend, David. When Doug was in the hospital I kept David informed of what was going on and sometimes I would get the feeling that maybe I shouldn't have called him. When Doug went into ICU I talked to David and said that I was sure it would be ok if he wanted to visit for a few minutes, thinking it might make Doug happy to hear his voice and maybe talk about fishing and hunting, something they both loved and did together. David changed the subject and did not answer me about visiting. Later his wife told me that he did not want to remember Doug in the hospital.

After Doug died, David's wife brought over a cooler filled with beer and bottled water for visitors and also pictures of Doug for the collage that I made for the services. A few weeks after, I called to let him know that his cooler and pictures were still here and he said he would stop by for them sometime. I haven't heard from him since. There are a couple of things I would like to talk to him about-Doug's tree stand that's out in the woods and some hunting equipment that is here at the house but that both Doug and David shared the cost of. I also have something of Doug's that I want David to have. Because he is avoiding me like the plague I feel funny about calling him. I know that Doug's death was not easy for him and he did not handle it well. I don't expect him to be here for me because we did not know each other that well.Do you think I should just back off and wait to hear from him?

[JennO]

Terry..I have been experiencing something similar with some of my husband's friends. I have found that like many strangers, even closer friends to both you and your spouse or just your spouse have no idea what to say because they are caught up in their own grief. Many times I have stopped and thought...HELLO, I AM THE WIDOW.....but each person experiences it differently. I finally had to let go of the former friendship with his best friend because he is just simply not able to look at our son's face (he was three weeks old when Jeff died) or see the work we had put into our new house. I have attempted to have conversations with him, but he can't do it. I think this is hard...because maybe for you too, it is a part of your husband's former life.

You've reached out. Maybe drop a note and just very briefly let him know you do have a few things of his to return as well as give him an item your husband would have wanted you to have. Maybe even add, I know his death has been hard on you and I don't know if that makes you uncomfortable talking with me, but when you are ready, I'd like to give these things to you and talk to you a little bit about him. I have written two letters to our friends (directed mainly at his 5 close friends since childhood)...one two months after his death and another just last week as I quickly approach the 1 year anniversary of his death. Most don't mention it, but at least they know how I feel and the door is open.

I wish you luck.....

[chrissy777]

I also can relate. My husband had a firend he grew up with and cared about alot. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer he wouldnt call us or return our calls. We went from hanging out all the time to nothing. He came to the memorial service with his wife and said to me dont be a stranger. Weird I thought he was being the stranger. I want to tell them that I had the baby but like you have apprehensions because I dont think they want to hear from me. I dont have much of an answer since I am clueless on what I should do I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You may find this article helpful; it's posted in The Latest News forum:

I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been — Can We Talk About My Loved One?

[kayc]

My experience has been the same. George's best friends, Leroy and Nettie, whom he lived with during the week (he had an extremely long commute so eventually he stayed near his job during the week and came home on weekends)said they wanted to stay close and if I ever needed anything... but they never call and if I call them they're busy and don't call back. I finally gave up, after all, it's been over a year and it's obvious they don't want to be a part of my life. It hurts because I know it's not how George would want it. But it's like they want to forget he existed. Maybe it's just how they have to handle it. Other friends are the same way...they've moved and not left forwarding address/phone numbers or they don't return any calls.

[lorikelly]

I think he does not know how to handle his own grief . he maybe afraid to see you b/c then the grief will hit him real hard. i would call him tell him about the stuff and just wait and see. that is all you can do, if he comes around great if not then you will have to let it go. you have enough to deal with you,you can't worry about his grief. lori

[Charlie]

'MOVE ON'

I think that comment is the worst for me. How does one move on when they have spent their entire life with that person. From my parents home to being with him for 46 of my adult years and I am suppose to just MOVE ON.

When someone says that to me with the added "you will find someone else someday" I just want to slap them upside their face and tell them you could never understand this loss until you experience it yourself. MOVING ON is not an option for me.

Grace

ONLY YOU (Our song says it all)

7/1/38 -10/20/04

[TerryB]

Thank you all so much for the advise. Marty I read the article and found it helpful also. I have thought about it and have decided to write David a letter. I will let you know if I hear anything. If I don't hear from him then I will let it go.

I am sorry to hear that everyone has experienced similar situations. If things are not hard enough already to deal with, then they have to become complicated too!

Take care.

Terry

[TerryB]

David called me today. He received my letter and it made him feel bad for not calling me. I did not send the letter to make him feel bad, that was not my intention. He said that Doug was a better friend to him because he knows that Doug would have called to talk to his wife if the situation was reversed. I told him he should not think like that and I know Doug's death was hard on him. He said that it has effected him more than he ever thought it would. He said that he is going to stop by and he will tell me about the first time he met Doug. I told him that I would love to hear the story. I hope he does stop.

[kayc]

I'm so glad you said something to him and it cleared the air and salvaged something! Sometimes communication DOES work!