Acceptance And Forgiveness

[kayc]

Some of you may not relate to this, and as there are many new people on this site right now, you may not be aware of my struggles. I wasn't married to a perfect man like a lot of you seemed to have been, but I loved him with all of my heart and he loved me with all of his heart and we were true soulmates in every sense of the word. George spent most of his life in prison, he came from a really horrible messed up background, I'll spare you the details of both. I was doing a prison ministry and I wrote a letter to the editor, and he responded, and I replied back to him. From the first letter, I felt his heart, and he felt mine. It was as amazing as that. He became a Christian through our writing and I sent him a Bible for Christmas. My marriage of 23 years was ending, and George helped me survive a really horrific time in my life, he was a true friend to me when everyone else disappeared. He taught me survival skills and to believe in myself and have hope when everything else was going against me. And we fell in love. SO deeply in love! When he got out we got married...it was hard because it was like having a teenager only he was an adult...he had to learn how to drive again and be taught everything. When he'd gone inside there were 8 track tapes, I had to teach him about CDs, DVDs, computer, microwaves, EVERYTHING! During the time he was inside, we had the Ma Bell breakup, so I had to teach him about phone co. scams, etc. Identity theft was relatively new, I had to teach him about phishing, etc. There were new laws regulating wearing helmuts, fishing, etc. There were countries that had changed, political regimes that no longer existed. Violence in the workplace, sexual harrassment, so much to cover! Culture had changed...some of it he had picked up from t.v. but some of it he had not. Workplace expectation was different. And computers reigned where once they were nonexistent! So many changes...I remember once he was working on the truck and couldn't find the adjustment for the clutch so he took it in to a shop and they looked at him and said, "Where have you been? They haven't had them for over ten years!" George was an amazing person, he took so much college courses when he was in prison (and no the prison doesn't pay for it, he did, with his 30 cent an hour job) that he lacked two courses of having a degree in psychology! He did so in an effort to better understand himself and change. He was easy to live with, fun, and we loved, he was the sunshine in my world. He was the best stepfather in the world! He so looked up to my son Paul...when Paul went into the Air Force, George mourned as if he'd lost his best friend. He adored Paul. He was always there for my daughter, replacing a broken window on her car, putting in a stereo system for her, moving her belongings for her, etc. It was him who suggested giving her his car so she wouldn't have to ride across town in the summer heat all sweating to put in an application for employment somewhere. He was a sweetheart. But he got into drugs. I didn't realize he was struggling so much with lack of energy and tiredness, and he commuted 75 miles one way in rush hour traffic every day. Eventually he found a place to stay near his job during the week. I was worried about him having accidents, falling asleep. He battled Diabetes but what we didn't know was that five of his arteries were plugged and he had serious heart problems. Three weeks before he died he confessed to our pastor, an elder in the church, and myself, that he'd been doing meth. He didn't give me a lot of details but I went through a lot...I was mad at him for the next two weeks but began to soften a bit that last week as I saw he really was trying to do right. I took the day off work for his birthday 6/14/05 and I'm so glad I did...6/19/06, on Father's Day, I lost my best friend, my soulmate. In the time since, I have discovered the million lies that accompanied his drug use. It left me financially devastated, between that and the hospital bills. Then I lost my job. I am struggling to hang on to my house and need a high paying job in order to keep it. I had this home paid off when we married and it is the home I raised my children in, the home where we share our best memories. So I have struggled as to how I should feel, how to reconcile what I thought we had with what we had, who he was, what is real, etc. I have gone through a lot of anger and confusion. But finally I feel I can lay to rest this sweet but messed up man of mine that had so many struggles in life, but is finally at peace. I forgive him. I will lay his ashes to rest here in our back yard where we spent our most treasured time. And I will continue to do my very best to keep this place, I have to. I once said that forgiveness is neither cheap nor easy, and I have found that to be true. George never set out to hurt me, I know that, he loved me more than anything in the world. I can blame him for not saying no, I can blame the person that hooked him up, I can blame all the welchers that profited from our situation, but in the end, blame does no good. It just was. It doesn't negate what we had, but I do look at things more realistically now. I will try to treasure in my heart what we did have and continue to live on in the new chapter of my life. This new chapter does not leave him behind...he is never left behind. We are forever altered by the chain of events involving their deaths and we carry them and the pain with us always. I miss him so bad it is hard to even think about him consciously. Tomorrow would be 16 months since he died...and it would be our 5th anniversary had he lived. I love you, George.

Edited October 18, 2006 by kayc

[lorikelly]

Kaye

You sound like an amazing women. You gave him a second chance and he loved you for it. we all make mistakes in life and wish things could be different. he seemed to really try but when drugs get in the picture they take over. i am sorry that you had to find out alot of things after he died and now you have finacial problems. it is amazing that you have found so much forgivenss and i am glad for you. i think when we hang on to the anger it only eats us up. remenber the good times and how much you both loved each other. i wish things could be different for you and all of us. you have come along way in the grief journey you should give yourself a big pat on the pack. i hope i can get that far. i have to forgive myself for alot of things and that is the hardest part. lori

[Laurie]

KayC, I can relate to you so much. I understand what you're saying about George not being perfect, but you loved eachother. Sean had a lot of addiction problems, that I think stemmed from his father. It caused so many problems and so much hurt, but he always told me "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." One thing I know I'll learn from this is forgivness. I saw a sign this morning that said "Peace is when the power of love is stronger than the love of power." I'm sure it's supposed to be about war, but to me it meant that my love for him should have been more important than having the power to not get hurt again. I was so hard on him, so tough, I swore that I'd never let anyone hurt me again-- so I didn't let him back in completely, I never let my guard down. I hate that we wasted so much time fighting and me being stubborn and mean, trying to hurt him back. I wish we would've spent those days and nights holding eachother. I feel so lonely, I wish I could feel his arms around me again. I miss him so much. Laurie

[TerryB]

Kayc,

Wow! I am fairly new to this site and had no idea how much you have been through. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are such a strong woman. I sincerely wish the best for you and I am sorry that all of us have to suffer through the pain of losing a loved one.

Terry

[ustwo]

KayC, I know today is another day you have to get through to get beyond it but a more painful day. I will be walking it with you, praying and thinking about you. Please hold on to all the "good"....you and George shared so much. Through all the anger, through all the confusion, through everything, your words speak your heart....you love George...he loves you.

I wish you a day of memories of the sweetness of loving someone so deeply.

Sending you my hugs.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Evelyn,

Thank you, it helps to know that someone is thinking of me today. Last night my son came home to go on his annual hunting trip with his dad. As we sat and shared, it was evident that his heart is feeling much with regards to all of the betrayal he feels from his stepfather. He loved George so much, and one of the lies was involving a pickup that had belonged to his dad, that his dad had taken excellent care of for many years...his dad had promised it to him, unbeknownst to me, but it came my way in the divorce and I used it to drive to and from work everyday. George feigned blowing up the engine and giving the truck away, all in his effort to get money for drugs. There is also a coin collection he'd promised to leave to Paul, but of course it is gone. Paul, like me, has put two and two together in the time since, and it is really hurting him. I've worked through a lot of what I've been through, but my son is still having a hard time with it. He loved his stepdad and it's hard to explain what this did to him. If you say any prayers today, please say them for my son, Paul...to a mother, it is her kids that mean more than anything. Any pain they feel belong to me. And of course, I feel responsible for his pain, for it's me that brought George into his life.

Edited October 19, 2006 by kayc

[spunkye]

Dear KayC,

You have been through so much around George - not just his passing, but all the unforseen hurts due to drug use. I do know that when we become addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, at some level, it's not REALLY us that willfully speaks and acts - but it's the alcohol - it's the drugs - they take over and the takeover includes words and actions that would never have been said or done in our 'normal' state of mind.

I know you have been hurting over and over and over again - with each new revelation...and you being able to find the power in your heart to forgive and move on is an amazing journey. Yep, I believe *that* is a journey as well...a few steps forward in the forgiveness and moving on department, and a few steps back.

I know I've been praying on a continual basis around forgiving my husband's three grown daughters for their actions and the actions they are continuiing to take, since he died. Some days I feel no animosity and some days I feel really pi....!...actually, the only reason I WANT to forgive them is because I know God doesn't want me to have strife and unforgiveness in my heart...and I do want to please God...so for me, it's practically a daily prayer.

Thank you, KayC, for your honesty, for sharing your relationship with George with us, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Love, Benita