Lost My Dad

[Chrystal]

Hello everyone, I lost my dad on october 8th /06. It was sudden, he was only 51 years old and i expected to have many more years with him. I wake in the morning and just lay there and can't stop replaying his time in the hospital in my head, thinking about how he must have felt. He had a stroke after having what he thought was a virus for about a month, then once in the hospital they discovered he had infection throughout his whole body and it had taken it's toll on all his internal organs. He died after 5 days in the hospital. He couldnt speak because of the stoke but I know he could hear and understand some things we said to him. Today is my second day going back to work the first day I couldnt stop crying and only lasted 2 hours, I have woken this morning and the tears already wont stop. I just miss him. I worry that he was sad and scared in the hospital. Well I had best get ready for my day. It feels better to talk about this so thanks for listening.

Chrystal

[LoriW]

Chrystal,

What you are feeling is totally normal. I did this right after my Mom died for a good 2 months or so. I know right now it is hard to believe but those feelings will eventually subside. My Mom's death was unexpected as well and I worried about how scared she was, how she felt etc...etc... It was hard but those worries have become less and less for me. I am coming up on the year mark of her passing away next month.

You, however, have just started grieving. The services are over and you are trying to get back to your life but it has drastically changed. Be good to yourself. Rest when you can. Get help from friends. Talk about your Dad, I have found that a huge comfort for me. You will find that there are times that you are so sad you can barely move and then there will come a day when you remember and smile again. Don't get me wrong, I got teary eyed driving in to work this morning but I know I had a great Mom who left me all these beautiful memories and some wonderful lessons and I would not have missed having her in my life for anything. It's just hard accepting the fact that someone who has loved us since birth is gone.

Hugs to you today.

Lori

[Rayon]

Chrystal,

I'm so sorry about your dad. My dad died Aug. 21, 2006 on his birthday. Since he died I also replayed things he said and did days before he died. I also feel horribly guilty that I wasn't kinder to him when he was alive. I feel guilty that I didn't tell him that I loved him before he died, cause I didn't want him to know he was dying. The day before he died he held my mom's hand in a panic state and and I saw terrible fear in his eyes, but he couldn't speak anymore. What was he thinking?? Was he afraid of dyng?? I don't know. I also keep reliving that in my head. I also cried a lot when he died for hours at a time. But you know that's normal. You need to cry, and you need to grieve. We only get one father. Also come back here and write your thoughts...believe me we all care.

Edited October 19, 2006 by Rayon

[STARKISS]

Hi Chrystal,

I too felt the same way you did after my mom died.. We were on vacation in Las Vegas and the very last day we were there we got up to get ready to go to the airport and found that my mom was not waking up.. We both went over to shake her but she did not wake up... We finally after a few minutes phoned down to the front desk and they sent up their hotel doctor... He took one look at her and called the ambulance to come... They worked on her for twenty five minutes and she still did not wake up... Dad went with her in the ambulance and I stayed behind in the hotel.... Later that evening dad came back and told me that she has not woken up and that they were getting a specialist in to see her in the morning... We went to the hospital and went into her room and she was on a machine to help her breath... They asked us if we wanted to keep her on the machine or let nature take its course.;.. We told them that we would have to phone Canada to take to the other family members to decide what to do.... She lasted four days in the hospital and died from kidney and heart failure as well as renal failure.... I did not want to leave her side even when she died and I blamed myself for her dying too. I hope this helps a little... Take care and I will pray for you.... Shelley

[daddyslilgirl]

I too lost my Dad almost 7 months ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru. I live 2000= miles away from them but was able to get there on Sunday, he passed on Tuesday. I was a very crazy thing, He had an earache, this was thursday night, got dizzy they took him to the er, I talked to him on Friday, he sounded ok, complaining that he was hungry, I was going to a mother/daughter confrence that day and said I would call him on Sat. Sat came and my sister called saying he was unresponsive and and I needed to get there. I couldn't get a flight out till the next am and got there at 10 am on Sunday. I walked in and he raised up in the bed and told me he loved me twice and laid back down and never said another word. WHen he passed away, we (my mom, sister, brother and I) were around him and holding his hands and he pulled them away and crossed them over his chest, a smile came onto his face and a single tear ran down his cheek and he was gone. During that time that he was in the hospital, I never left him alone. I read the newspaper to him, told him all about what was going on at home (mine) and talked like everything was normal. I never cryed, I took care of all the arrangements, brought his ashes home with me and to this day, I haven't cried. I hate that, because I feel like I can't hardly go on somedays. I miss him so much that it would be so easy to just lose it, but I can't. I guess my point is, that what you are feeling is normal. Cry all you want. There is not a time frame for grief. You can't wake up one morning and just not care that you just lost someone you love. I told someone that I wanted to scream and they said scream, so scream, holler, acry do what you have to do, but know this, you were loved and he isn't really gone. He lives in your heart and your memories and he will live forever thru you. )))Hugs((( to you and prayers being sent your way and if you ever need to talk...

[Chrystal]

Thanks so much for everyone's replies, I'm glad to know other people have felt the same way. I guess the hard thing to accept is that no matter what he was feeling in the hospital, he is not feeling anymore. He is at peace now and I have to try to figure out a way to understand that.

Take care Chrystal

[shell]

Chrystal,

You are exactly right. He is in peace now and we all have to remind ourselves of that. Sometimes I think that we have to let our lost ones "rest in peace", and if they know how miserable we are, they wouldn't be able to. Doesn't stop me from still grieving, but I try to think about that and move forward. So sorry for your loss. Some of the images that replay in your mind will blur a little with time. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[lil kid]

CHRYSTAL - i know what you mean. my dad had a motorcycle accident, held on for 44 days before he gave in...there were times when he was conscious, but he was on a ventilator for all that time, so i never heard his voice again. he would look at me, my sis, and my mom crying & breathing so hard against the machines.....the first time i saw him in that hospital bed, i told him how proud of him i was, how strong he was, how he shouldnt have even made it off the side of the road or through his surgery, but look at what a mans man he is!...he would smile, squeeze my hand...then i walked out of his room w/ the promise of returning soon, & i threw up in the drinking fountain of the hallway. i remember saying to the doctor "thats not my dad! thats not my dad!" i remember my mother (a career nurse) explaining "she's in shock" to the others there....on additional visits, i would play his favorite music on the little boom box, sing songs to him that he & i would sing together since i was a little girl. my sis would tell him how we caught osama bin laden & he would raise his eyebrows...he would've loved that kind of stuff. but i started thinking, is he thinking "how long have i been here like this?" or "how much time has passed?" "will i be the same if i make it through this? or is this a battle i cant win?" i wondered if he was afraid. i couldnt bring myself to ask him those questions (you never know what you SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do in those situations). it took me a long, long time to let go of those images...even the last image i have of him the bed, raising his arm to wave me goodbye w/ our special family sign language (not the standard) for 'i love you'....those memories are hard to erase, arent they? emblazened in your mind, they are. as time passes though, they will become faded & in their place will be fond memories of your childhood & nice conversations or funny stories from your adulthood w/ him....at least that has been the case for me & my sis. we're coming up on 3 yrs now, so...might take shorter or longer for you, i dont know. i hope that for you, though...i really do. its so, so hard but you WILL make it through. you may not feel it now, but you are much stronger than you think.

[Leann]

Hello, Chrystal:

Please accept my deepest sympathies about the loss of your Dad. I'm so glad you found this site. This is a safe place to vent to caring, understanding people. At the very least, you come to discover that others have experienced or are experiencing similar emotions. You also discover that you're normal and not crazy. My Dad had a stroke last December 14th. He was in the hospital until the middle of January and I never left his side...I felt like I needed to be there to advocate for him. He went to the nursing home then for rehab and did very, very well. The speech came back, he regained use of his left hand and arm, and was walking again with a walker and assistance from the nurse. Then in June (on Father's Day), he had another blood clot and this one went to his heart. He was gone just like that. As much as I miss him, I'm comforted by the fact that he didn't linger and suffer. He might not have come out of a second stroke like he did the first. He was such an active, vital person, and I wouldn't have wanted that for him. It is so hard to watch someone you love experience the effects of a stroke, so I really do empathize with you. Please know that we are all here for you.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

Chrystal,

You are exactly right. He is in peace now and we all have to remind ourselves of that. Sometimes I think that we have to let our lost ones "rest in peace", and if they know how miserable we are, they wouldn't be able to. Doesn't stop me from still grieving, but I try to think about that and move forward. So sorry for your loss. Some of the images that replay in your mind will blur a little with time. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,

Shell

I agree, Shell. While things aren't Ok (my Dad's not here), my goal is to be a peaceful person and adjust to my new situation the best I can. Some days I do better at that than others. My Dad will rest better knowing that I'm alright.

Hugs,

Leann

[Chrystal]

Hello everyone,

Thanks again for your replies, it has been just over 2 weeks since my dad has passed and it is still hard, I am actually having some moments where I don't think about it. I am amazed at how much I can remember from my dad's life now, I think I remember every conversation from the past year, I find myself already thinking more about the good memories rather than just focusing on his time while he was sick. I have regrets, but that seems to be a common thing for anyone who is grieving. I did'nt know my Dad was sick for about a month before his stroke, he did'nt have a phone and I normally just popped by his place every month or two. I had popped by mid september and left him a note, he called me back a week later and left a message that he had been sick but was starting to feel better, and that he was on antibiotics etc. I really didnt think too much of it, assuming he was being treated and was doing ok. I wish he had phoned earlier in the month to let me know so I could have brought him soup or something? I also wonder if I had seen him I would have realized how sick he was and talked him into going to the hospital ealier and maybe he would still be here? I visited my Dad everyday in the hospital and was determined to be there with him so he wasnt alone when he died, but the last night with him he had fluid in his lungs and kept coughing and I couln't stay. I felt bad that he was alone but just found out last night that his cousin went back to the hospital at 1am and was with him when he passed around 3am. She had told my mom at the funeral that he went so peacefully. I was so glad to hear that he had someone who loved him by his side. I know I will always miss him and have a sad spot in my heart that he cannot be here with me, but things will start to feel better. Take care everyone Chrystal

[Taika]

Hi Chrystal,

I am sorry for your loss. In the first few weeks after my dad died I would wake up and just start crying. Every morning I would wake up and think how am I, and then the tears would come. When I went back to work it was very hard because everyone means well and wants to say something. But I found out that unless they had lost a parent they had no idea what it is like. So I kept going and it was getting easier and it is almost 1 year later (he died in December), and then my mom suddenly passed away in August. So I start again sometimes wondering if my grief is for my dad or for my mom or visa versa. Now that I really put it down on paper I have been sad and missing him for the entire 11 months, and working to sort through all my emotions. Anyway back to you, What a blessing that you were there for your dad and he knew you were there and could feel your love. Just feel how you feel and be with it.Hang in there, I know how special a father's love is and like you said you can remember so many things, cherish the memories, he can live on through your stories. Feel so you can heal.

[Chrystal]

Hi Taika, I'm so sorry for your losses. Thanks so much for your response. I am almost at the 3 week mark and thought I was doing ok, but wow I sure am not. I worry because I didnt see my dad that often, about once monthy, that I keep forgetting he is gone. Then I think about it and it hits me, I am not going to see my dad again. I keep thinking about my age and how many years I could have left to live and I get sad that I have to miss my dad for that long. I didnt cry much yesterday but then I woke up this morning and I am so sad.

No one is really asking how I am anymore, they just keep the topics light and fun, but I think that I still need to talk about this.

I feel so frusterated that I can't just go to his house and have him answer the door, I couldnt have even imagined that he wouldnt still be around for many more years. I feel sad that I didnt do more for him while he was here, I tried but after talking with a grief counsellor realize that he was a hard person to help. My dad didnt have a lot of money and for christmas I would always buy him a big box of food and then some other litle treats, but I dont get to do that this year, I had already bought him something and it is sitting in my drawer, it's funny when I bought it I had a bad feeling, now I know why.

Thanks for reading. I know everyone on this site is going through hard times as well. It's nice to have somewhere to go where people understand. Take Care Chrystal

[lorikelly]

Crystal

I can relate to the part you said about how long it will be to we see them again. i think this all the time if i live til i am 78 it will be 40 yrs since i have seem my mom. i just can't grasp that. the pain is to great. i pray it gets better. i want to see her so bad. thanks lori

[Rayon]

Hi Chrystal,

I know how it is when people laugh and keep the conversation light and fun around you. Two weeks after my dad died, my husband and I went to visit some friends and they were all talking, drinking and laughing and no one asked about my dad. It just irritated the heck out of me!! These people all have both their parents alive and actually live rose-colored lives and just talked about their material possessions without a care in the world. And all I wanted to do was cry and talk about my dear dad who died too soon. He went into the hospital with a stomach pain, and three weeks later he was dead. I miss him soo much.

Lorikelly,

I have actually thought how if I live to be 80, I would never see my dad again for almost 50 years!! Until I see him again in heaven.

My dad who was 79 when he died still cried over his dear dad who had died 40 years earlier, so I don't think you really get over a parents death....it just gets easier with time I heard. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but people who have gone through this and multiple family deaths tell me it's not as painful with time.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

My dad died on August 25, 2005 which means it was four months after my mom.. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in July and died in August... To all his family's surprise, It was so horrible I said good bye to him the night before and went to work the next day just to find out a little after I got there that my dear father had passed away... I miss him so very much, one week after his funeral the family had a real estate agent come through the house to tell us what had to be done to sale the house.... what a horrible time it was.... I lived with both my parents till the days they died.... I lost them, my dog and my childhood home within months what an terrible experience... Take care Shelley