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I Wish I Didn't Know


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Sean's Mom called me tonight to tell me she had picked up Sean's hospital records. She was reading it to me over the phone and said he was found on the floor. Oh my God, I am so upset. I had it in my mind that he had died in his sleep. My God this is killing me, to know that he was probably scared and in pain. I don't know whether he had gotten up to go to the bathroom, or was trying to get help or what. The doctor said it might have been a blood clot, a heart attack or his pancreas. The nurse just found him there on the floor, dead and all alone. I hate myself.

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Laurie

there was nothing you could of done to have stopped it. i know that is hurting you that you were not there and i feel for you. i feel terrible that i wasn't with my mom the morning she passed. my mom was terrified to die even though she had a strong faith. i was talking to my niece who is 35 and she said i think gram was not afraid of dying but afraid to leave us. that made me feel a little better. i know you hurt and i am so sorry it will hurt for a long time. he knew that you loved him and he loved you. pls don't beat yourself up , i do that and it gets you nowhere. take one moment at a time. i pray that you will have some peace.

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Laurie,

Beleive me when I say I know how you feel. I wasnt there when my husband died. I felt guilt for so long over that. I finally had to tell myself there was nothing I could do. I know Jason knew that I wouldve wanted to be there as sean probably did. I heard my husband moaning in the backround while a nurse was on the phone in his room telling me I couldnt talk to him. It killed me. He was 2 hours away so I knew there was nothing I could do but I still blamed myself. Dont be hard on yourself. It is so hard losing your love and then to have to be put through the extra things that come up like finding out things you really wish you didnt hurts. Take care

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Thank you Lori, I'm trying to keep going. I was going to call out sick today because I just can't deal with this news. But I'm gonna go in. I just thought for sure he died in his sleep, he looked peaceful when I saw him and his eyes were closed. I just thought that when he took that pill and I saw him fall asleep, that he just died peacfully in his sleep. I hate so much knowing that maybe he layed there alone, cold and scared on the floor and nobody came. The thought that maybe he knew what was happening, that he had that last time in his life alone, was his life flashing before his eyes? Was he wishing I was there? I can't even stand to think about it.

Thank you Chrissy, for knowing how I feel. I didn't know that happened to you-- I am so sorry.

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Laurie,

I felt the same way because the hospital made me leave when George was having his fatal heart attack and I wanted to be there for him and tell him I would be okay and that it was okay if he let go...I never got to tell him anything. I loved him more than anything in the world and we were always there for each other...except this one time.

Honey, I am sure that it was very quick and he knew you loved him. One thing that consoles me is this...when George was in the hospital at the end, it was different than usual...it was as if his mind was elsewhere, and usually I felt so connected to him. I think in a way he was preparing for leaving this world and entering the next, I really do. Maybe in a way it made it easier to not have us there when they did that...otherwise they would have been worrying about us instead of concentrating on what was ahead...it had to be a huge adjustment to assimilate so quickly. At any rate, it is done, they have adjusted to their new surroundings and life and we will be with them someday, and we can still tell them that we wish we could have been there...I believe that they somehow know and hear us. Please be easy on yourself, you were everything to him and he'd want you to love yourself the way he did.

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Hi Laurie,

My father died one day after he went into the hospital, In a small dim room all alone.. My dad's white count went way down low and because of his cancer he became sick and he died of a cold... All I could think of that he was all by himself and that no one was there to be with him in his hour of need... How bad we were as his children.... I tried to forgive myself for not being there but I still have a hard time even though it has been over a year since his death.... I hope this helps and I will keep you in my prayers Take care Shelley

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Thank you all for writing to me. Today is just so awful. I am snapping at everyone, I feel so angry-- like I'm mad at the whole world, my kids, my customers, other drivers. I just want Sean so much, I need him. I didn't tell anyone this until today, but the night Sean was in the hospital, I woke up at about 3:00 for some reason. I got up, went to the bathroom, got a glass of milk and went back to bed. I just think it's strange that that's about the time that Sean died. I talked to a friend about it today and she said it was Sean waking me up to say goodbye to me. Or I wonder if somehow I sensed it, but I didn't feel any bad feelings at the time-- no worry, fear, nothing. I just remember waking up, reaching over for Sean, remembering he was in the hospital, and then I got up. My friend thinks I should go talk to a priest. I'm having a hard time understanding all this. I want so badly to believe that he is in a better place, that I'll be with him again someday. But I never went to church as a kid, or ever. I just wasn't raised with any religion at all. I SAY I believe, and I want to so much... but deep inside I think I really feel that it's just something people convince themselves to believe because it makes them feel better. I don't want to believe that death is the end of everything, but it's really hard for me. I think I will call the church where we had the service and see if I can arrange to meet with that priest. Things can't possibly get any worse, so I guess that means they can only get better... someday. Love, Laurie

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Laurie

I remenber waking up around the time my mom passed looked at the clock and said i will sleep a little more and then get up to go see mom. i didn't feel weird or scared or anything. well 10 mins later they called to say she had passed. i was in such denial that the first thing i said was is my mom ok? crazy huh. i think talking to a priest can help. i am catholic and belong to st. veronicas i actually do a bereavement group thur nights at st. al's in jackson. i believing in a afterlife is FAITH, you have to have it to believe. Faith is about not seeing it. i doubt my faith sometimes but i never doubt God. i have been reading some very good books about near death experiences and i have to believe. my mom actually had one. it is amazing how so many people have them and they say similiar things. i have to believe to go on or i would lay down and die. i to am thinking about see my priest,i need to get over my guilt some how and maybe confession for me will help. i hope this helps. lori

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Thank you Lori, St. Al's is where I plan on calling. I'm also going to ask about that bereavment group when I call. Thanks for letting me know about that. I thought about confession too. I don't know for sure if I can though, since I'm not catholic. My friend thinks talking to the priest will really help me understand and feel better. I don't know how I got through this day. I know I'm in for another night of tears though. I hate the nights so much. Thank you Love, Laurie

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Laurie,

I have a saying, it is: "The time to learn how to swim is not when you are drowning." In other words, if we do not have faith or belief, and suddenly we have need of it, it is hard to build it fast enough to meet our need. However, that in no means implies that we can't. Faith IS, just as lorikelly said, believing in something you cannot see...that is the Bible's definition. Faith is an action, not a feeling. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is real, and I was not "raised" with religion either, not from my parents. If we ask God for faith, He will give it to us...at first it might be small, but it can grow, and small or not, it will be enough for what we need. The Bible says if we have faith the size of a grain of mustard, we can move mountains...in other words, a little bit of faith goes a long ways. I think it is a good idea for you to see your priest or spiritual advisor and talk over these things with him. And I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

Edited by kayc
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I feel that too. My ex-husband, who was still a close friend, died in another state. I wish I'd been there. I thought he passed away in a coma, but his friend told me he wasn't really comatose, which bothers me. I don't know what it was like for him. I know he really believed very strongly in an afterlife, and I do too. I've had incredible dreams where we hugged and talked, and I know it was him and it was real. But I am not religious at all -- you don't have to be religious to believe there is more to us than these physical bodies.

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Kay, You said "if we ask God for faith, he will give it to us." I thought about that today when I went to meet with Father Scott. He did Sean's service at the church. I told him that I want so much to believe in Heaven and that I've been asking Sean to help me believe and understand. He said, "Sean's a rookie yet, Ask God to help you have faith." He also talked to me about the guilt and fears that I have. This is pretty amazing---- Last summer I can remember me and Sean were in the pool, and we were talking about God and he was trying to convince me on things. He told me a story about "a doubting Thomas." I remember the meaning was that just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it's not there, meaning God and Heaven. That's the only bible story I have ever heard in my life. At Sean's church service, Father Scott told the story of the doubting Thomas during the mass. Today I told him about how Sean had told me that story to try to get me to believe. He smiled, and he said "That's amazing, but I'm really not surprised." He said that unless he knows the person very well, he doesn't plan in advance which one's he's going to say. He knows that God will tell him the right ones, and that is the one he said he was supposed to say. So I really think it was a message to me that God or Sean knew I needed to hear. A friend gave me a book to read about why we are here. It's supposed to help you understand alot. It has 40 chapters, and they recommend that you read only one chapter each night. I'm excited to get started on it and I'll let you all know if it is helpful to me. Thank you to everyone here, I'm so thankful that we found eachother. Love, Laurie

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Laurie,

There is no doubt in my mind that God wants to help you believe and that is one of the reasons that priest picked that particular passage for his service...it was planned, not by the priest but by God...and maybe Sean had something to do with it as well.

God is our creator...and that has little to do with religion...religion is man's way of trying to reach God but God has already done what is necessary to reach us...and continues. There are a lot of people who don't go to church yet have very strong belief and faith in God...and there are a lot of people who do go to church that have neither. Church is something that should be of help to us...if we find it more of a hindrance than a help, something is wrong. We can, however, talk to God in the quietness of our hearts and He hears us...and answers. Sometimes we're not in a state of readiness to have a relationship with God...I think a lot of people on this site can possibly understand that statement...especially when we have gone through losing someone and are still blaming God...yet when we finally realize that things happen and God is wanting to help us through it, then we can turn to Him for that help and He understands and patiently waits for us. For months after George died, I had a hard time praying...yet I have prayed all my life...this losing your spouse is one of the strangest and most difficult things I have ever experienced. Sometimes I wonder what's happened to me, if I've lost my mind or what, I don't even seem like myself. But it is quite a journey and I know that God understands even if people do not. I hope you enjoy your book and get a lot out of it...I know I am enjoying the one I am in right now.

Love,

KayC

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Laurie,

I hope all of this is helping you. Please remember that NOBODY dies alone. God is always there.

My mother's grandmother had seven children and 64 grandchildren. She was in a nursing home at the end of her life because she refused to burden any of her kids with her medical care. The kids and grandchildren stayed close, and a day never passed without at least three people stopping in to chat, play cards, tke her to lunch, or whatever else she wanted.

She died in her sleep, alone, after she had gone to lunch with one of her daughters.

I remember my mother's Aunt, crying that her mother had died alone. My Mama said that it didn't matter if she died alone. The trick was, she didn't LIVE that way.

I know your Sean didn't live that way, either.

Randa

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The trick was, she didn't LIVE that way.

I know your Sean didn't live that way, either.

Randa

Thank you Randa, I never thought about it like that. I'm having a really hard day today. I worked this morning and started out ok, but shortly before coming home I just started losing it again. Cried the whole way home. Then I found a Fed-ex from the life insurance co. in the mail. That just made it worse, seeing everything down on paper like the word "deceased" next to his name, I still just can't believe this is real. I took my sheets off our bed for the first time, they're in the wash now. That seems like a huge thing to me. I kept waiting, but my dogs have been sleeping in bed with me so I really had to. My ex-husband is picking up my boys in a little while and this will be the first time I'll be alone at night. I have been so scared at night. I leave the lights and TV on. I have such a huge fear now that it makes me shake so bad. 4am this morning I could've sworn I heard someone knocking on my front door. I just froze, but I didn't hear it again. I stayed in bed until I had to get up at 5:00. Even walking out to my car that early, I'm terrified-- it's still dark out when I leave. I have never been this way before. I was never afraid to be home alone, or the dark. I really don't understand it. Thanks so much for writing. Laurie

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I feel the same way.

I see the mail coming to my Mama, and I can't write deseased on it and send it back. I know that the money to raise my sisters comes from her life insurance, and I keep thinking it's "blood money". They will all have alot of money because Mama died. I can't seem to get over it, while I write that my mother is dead on my college applications. Believe it or not, that will give me a lot of college money.

It really sucks.

Have you seen the Broadway musical "Rent"? If not, I highly recomend it to everyone on this site. In the song "Seasons of Love" they ask how you remember a person who has died. I choose to remember my mother as she lived. With love, and hope, and joy.

Let's all watch the video and remember the ones we love the same way.

Randa

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When George passed away, he had a ton of CDs in his car...a friend of his asked for them but I told her I wanted to listen to them first and it might be a while before I could bring myself to...by the time I did, she and most of his friends had disappeared on me.

I, too, listened to all of the words to songs that he had purchased and listened to on his long commutes to work. I felt like they were a message from him too, like it brought me closer to knowing him. I ended up keeping all of them except for the rockiest (he loved all music except for rap and I'm not really into rock). I appreciated his wide array of music. But I was saddened to discover that some of his favorite CDs were missing, I am sure he left them at a friend's or loaned them out and I never got them back even though inquired about them. One of them was a CD with Native American music (he was Native American) and one was Irish folk ballads. Their music can really speak to us!

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Laurie - I remember getting a letter from social security, because we had been trying to get Charlie on disability prior to him passing away and in that letter it said something to the effect that we were married on such & such a day and due to death we weren't married anymore. I got this letter just a few months after we passed and I was hysterical!!! The last thing I wanted to see on paper was that I wasn't married to him anymore. I cried for hours. The first 6 months are absolutely the worst due to all the paperwork and crap you have to go through. It will be 2 years in about 2 weeks and I still cry near about everyday. A lot of things get easier, but a lot of things don't.

We're here for you, tho!!!!

HUGS!

Patti

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Patti,

My experience with Soc. Sec. Adm. was similar...I think they could use some sensitivity briefing!

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Thank you for that video.

It reminded me of a special moment with my mother. Being a biologist, my Mama knew that homosexuality was genetic, not learned. Being Catholic, she also believed that it was from God. Being Texan, it pissed her off that homosexuals were not accepted as children of God. She always said that if one person was not a child of God, then none of us were.

Anyway, enough politics.

This year, after we saw "Rent" my mother knew that Anthony Rapp was my favorite actor. She brought us to the AIDS Walk in Houston for her own reasons, and because Anthony Rapp (the guy in the video with the camera) from Rent would be there. She had just started to use her cane and had forgotten it that day. She couldn't walk three miles without it, but my little sisters and I had the best time! My then 14 year old sister was with her best friend, who saw Anthony Rapp and told him that Sammie was his biggest fan! Sammie, of course, was humiliated, but Anthony Rapp tried to talk to her for quite a while. He sat with my Mama at the first aid tent (he had skinned his knees) and she only smiled at him, believing that he would not want to be bothered by an "old lady".

That was a wonderful memory, passing on my mother's need to help with the AIDS patients, and my sister's and my favorite Broadway star. We also have his autograph. My mother made me ask him to sign my jeans (I am an actress, and those jeans were signed my several cast members, and now by one of my idols) and we remembered that day for the rest of Mama's life. He also signed our "Rent" DVD and CD, so my baby sisters have that. But I think I'm the only one who has "Seasons of Love" because I'm too selfish to share it yet. Mama always said that she had the best 525,600 minutes that anyone could ever have, raising the 5 of us.

Did she really? Are there any other women who gave up everything they could have had to raise a family on this site? Was it really worth it? If you read what Mark wrote (I can't tell them page) then you know what my mother could have been.

Was it really worth it?

Randa

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Randa,

Although I'm not on this particular forum much at all, I couldn't help but respond to your last post because what your dear, wonderful mother did is something I can still relate to, at least in some ways. Unlike her, I didn't start out already being high up in some designated field, but still feel and have been told numerous times throughout my life that I held/hold great potential, and the few things that I have done, I've done very well. However, my point is that despite knowing this, I chose to dedicate the bulk of my 'earning' years instead to the care of my babies...in my case, FURbabies...who had several health problems that weren't easily managed, even by their docs. Although I had planned on returning to work at some point (after a long-standing injury of mine had finally been resolved enough), once their health issues started getting more complex, I made the conscious decision to remain a stay-at-home mom. They meant that much to me and my love for them was unparalleled, so there was no question in my mind that this was my priority. I suffered the criticisms of some people who thought this wrong of me, but I knew this was not only right for me, but that it was the most loving thing I could have done for my kidlets. Though society may disagree, I really don't care, as being a mom has been the most rewarding, soul-fulfilling and best accomplishment of my entire life to date. So you could say I 'sacrificed' my most 'productive' years for a cause that cost our little family materially, but I say, I was doing what I loved best and so it was no real sacrifice at all, and in fact, was the biggest blessing that I'm honoured to have received. No matter what else is in store for me, I will always have that.

So I'm sure, having seen what a truly loving person your own mom was/is, she must have felt pretty much the same way about her choices regarding her family. One only has to decide to BE a loving parent to discover how powerful that draw to be of service to one's children is (no matter their particular form). As my own girl consistenly demonstrated to me, giving truly IS the same as receiving, so there is no sacrifice as such, as we get back so much more than we ever could have had we not given so much to our loved ones. Was it worth whatever I might have had instead? NO QUESTION!! What could possibly be greater than what is gained through loving dedication to someone we love as much as life itself?

Edited by Maylissa
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