Nightmare Every Day & Night

[janieb0828]

When I lost Mike it was to a tragic accident we were both in, I seen him be killed by an idiot that didn't know how to drive, he stated to the police he thought he was a bag of clothes laying on the road. How to interpet a 6ft 185 pound man to be a bag of clothes. I wanted to walk over there and just beat the living crap out of that guy. I wished him death and honestly I still do, I know that is wrong but that is how I feel.

That night haunts me everyday and everynight. Everyone keeps telling me I am strong and I should be ok. To hell with them they don't know they have never been through what I went through and go through everyday.

[LarrysGirl]

You are right, other people do NOT understand and that drives me crazy when they act like they do. I know what you mean by seeming strong, everyone tells me that also but little do they know how tired I am inside of appearing strong. I'm in so much pain, they can't even imagine. I'm so sorry for your loss and the thoughts you have to struggle with. I hope for all of us that someday there will be relief, at least alittle. Deborah

[Roswell]

This place continues to grow through leaps and bounds...can't say that makes it pleasant.

I, myself...have taken some time off. Impending holidays and such. Not something I'm looking forward to.

Janie, allow me to apologize for the ignorant...they're simply unaware of our loss. It's amazing

how shallow and callous people have become. Sad when you can't count on your own family for support.

You have every right to be angry...and then some.

(If I may) On behalf of the entire community I'd like forward our most sincerest of condolences towards you.

Please stop back in the future. That being said or stated, Welcome!

Regards and best wishes, William

[gabrielle_land]

Janieb0828,

I'm sorry you have to go through that night everyday I'm so sorry you had to live that moment. I understand how terrible it has been for you, and yeah, I understand too how misunderstood one is before all the rest of the people.. they all have something to say and most of teh times what they say isn't what you need to hear... in fact, sometimes it's much better not to hear anything at all, but in the other hand I guess they don't really know what they say, they just try to help in their own way, though sometimes there's always really cold comments that just get on our nerves.

I've heard those "how strong you are" too.. I wish they knew how hard it is just to breath sometimes, and how much it hurts to just even think... I think we even have to deal with the feeling of going mad sometimes..

Janie, I'm so sorry you had to live that tragic moment, and now live with that huge pain, you will be in my thoughts and prayers,

Gaby

[chrissy777]

Janie,

The people around us just dont understand. They couldnt even begin to imagine the nightmare we are going through. People think that there is a set time or steps for us to go through and than we will be ok. I hope things get easier for you. I will be thinking of you. Take care

[mary c]

I too lost the love of my life in an accident we were both involved in. Fortunately it was a one car accident, the bearing something or other fell apart on the right front wheel and we went off of the road. We hit the only boulder for hundreds of feet. My love died almost instantly (August 20th, 2006), he was only 51 years old and was the best man I ever knew. I was injured in the accident and spent three weeks in the hospital and have been recovering for the last three months at home. I am finally able to walk with the aid of a cane, but hope to be off of it by Christmas.

One of the hardest parts of this is the fact that I never got to go to his funeral. I didn't have an opportunity to say goodbye, or grieve as the hospital kept me in a "fog" for quite a while. Then I also felt I had to comfort everyone around me. When I finally came out of it I have been feeling like I live in a nightmare and I will wake up and he will come in and say "Hello Sweetie". I just can't get past the way it happened. We had so much to say to each other, though I knew him most of my life we had only been dating a few months. We were in love, we were already speaking of our future. How can he be gone, how can I have a future now?

I seriously have times when I don't want to go on knowing he won't be there with me. He was so much fun, he was so honest, loving, sweet, kind, honorable, and sexy!! There will never be anyone I will love as much as I loved him. That is so hard to imagine, after having so much love in my life and knowing I will never find that again is so excruciating. My heart hurts all of the time. Even when I am at work and seem so normal my heart is breaking and my mind is screaming NO, HE CAN'T BE GONE.

I live in a small town and everywhere I go I have images of him and I together. Even at work as he was the School Resource Officer at the school I work at. Knowing he won't ever hold me again, or tell me a joke, give me a hug, make love to me, pet my dog, or even drive by again is devastating to me. My mind and my heart can't seem to accept it. Even after 3 months sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. How does anyone ever get through the pain? If this is how I feel after loving him for a few months how does anyone who spends years with their love survive when they are gone?

Mary

In loving memory Charles "Pepper" Withers, the best man I have ever known, the love of my life.

[Laurie]

Mary, I'm so sorry for you and I feel your pain. I can relate to everything you wrote. I lost my fiancee Oct. 8th, he was only 43. I'm glad that you are recovering, physically. I know it's hard for you that you couldn't go to his funeral, but you still can say goodbye. You can talk to him whenever you want. It does seem unbeleivable, but I do it anyway, hoping it's true that they can see and hear us. So tell him everything you want to say. Also you can write him letters, it seems strange and it was hard for me to write the first one, but now I do it a lot. I also feel like I'll never have that kind of love in my life again, and it's so hard to beleive this happened. But everyone says it does get better. I know right now every day and night are such an effort, but somehow we have to just keep going, doing our regular stuff. We are probably both starting to come out of shock now, so maybe this is the lowest point. My doctor started me on an anti-depressant last week, but it hasn't started helping yet, they say it takes a few weeks. Keep writing Mary, it does help a little to talk to people who know how you feel. Laurie

[janieb0828]

Mary,

I can completely relate to what you are saying. It is not easy at all to go on without the one you love. No matter if its a few months or many years love is love. Losing the one you love is the hardest thing in the world.

You must go on. He would want you too. Mike wants me to go on, believe me I know, I attempted suicide four different times, I took enough sleeping pills at one time I should not be here. I took 83 pills. I slept for days, but I am still here.

I am sorry you didn't get the closer that you needed by not being able to go to the funeral. That would be hard to handle. I did get to go to Mikes, I was in a wheelchair, but I got to attend. I needed that closer. You should definetly go to his grave, and tell him what you wanted to say to him. It helps. I have done it with Mike.

Its a tough thing that we are all going through!! I do suggest seeking counseling, it has helped me. If you go see one and you don't like them try another one, I went threw three before I found one that I could actually relate to, and anti-depressents, from going threw a tragic accident like that, you are proably suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome. That is what they diagnosed me as. So it would be good to talk to someone. You can email me directly and we can talk, and the group here is great. They are wonderful people to talk to.

[kayc]

Mary,

I am so sorry you lost your Love. My husband just turned 51 and then he died unexpectedly from a heart attack. I was gone the weekend it happened and I got to the hospital but never got to say goodbye...people were there, then they moved him to ICU and when they finally let me in, he was asleep, and he awakened in heart failure...they booted me out...I didn't even get to tell him it was okay. I was praying for him when they came and told me he was gone. It's very hard to reconcile everything when you didn't get to say goodbye. But Laurie is right, you can still say goodbye. Write him letters, talk to him, I believe he'll hear you. I write George letters. I also think counseling might be of help or a support group. You have found a good and caring site and that's a start...it really helps to have other people who understand. So many times their kind and encouraging words have seen me through...

Edited November 30, 2006 by kayc

[mary c]

Thank you so much to everyone for their responses. It is so hard to hear about the tragedies you have all suffered. I thank God I stumbled on this site and have people who know the pain I feel. I am so sorry for each of your sufferings, you are all in my prayers too. What a wonderful, and terribly sad website this is.

I have started with a couselor, she is wonderful, and I think it may help some. Talking about him is all I want to do sometimes and with a counselor you can do that. So many people don't want to talk about someone who is gone because it hurts too bad, but I love to talk about Pepper. It hurts that he is gone, but memories are all I have and I want so badly to keep those alive.

I call his work cell number just to hear his voice (they haven't turned it off yet), I'm so afraid I will forget the sound of his voice, it about kills me to think of that happening. I found out the other day one of his fellow officers/friend also does that, it gives me comfort to know other people miss him that much too.

Pepper was cremated and this spring we will spread his ashes on the ranch he was raised on and at the lake that bears his family name. We spent time there this summer and it will be hard to go there, but I think it will also bring some comfort. The rock we hit has a cross and flowers on it and I have been there once when I came home from the hospital, but haven't been able to stop since then. I will go alone when I am well and take flowers and also a letter to leave there. I also will go to his home soon, lay on his bed and cry and remember all of the happy times we had in his home.

I have attached some pictures. Thank you all again so much.

Mary

In loving memory, Pepper Withers, my love.

[attachmentid=83]

[spunkye]

Dear Janie,

Myheart goes out to you and my tears fall for you - I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare...I was holding my husband, telling him it was ok to go, telling him "it's time for your nap now", when he took his last breath...that picture goes over and over in my head...and questions about if only I'd prayed more and believed more that he would get well, he would have. He was on a lot of medication when he died - and I've even blamed myself for maybe killing him, by giving him too much medication.

I'm convinced that no matter how much time we had or didn't have with our loved one, it's never the right time for them to die...that whether we were there or not there - it's never the right place to be...that no matter how loving or kind we were (or not), it's never loving or kind enough. I'm convinced that part of our grief include these demons of doubt, and regret, and anger and "if only's"... and everything else that makes us feel s----y!

Dear Mary - m,y heart goes out to you too. Feeling bad about not going to his funeral - my husband died August 24, and I still haven't even had a funeral. I can b arely stand to look at a picture of him. He was cremated and I bought an urn plot at a nearby little cemetary - and I haven't ordered a headstone yet. I bought a beautiful purple bottle that I have yet to put some ashes in to keep in my room...I also bought five beautiful little bottles originally to give to his five adult kids with his ashes in - and I have yet to do that.

This road we're traveling is winding and confusing - every time I expect something, it turns out a different way.

Yes, for the most part people don't understand unless theyve been through it - they don't say I'm being strong - they just say I'm handling it well...they don't know, they don't see!!!...like last night when I couldn't go to sleep, could only cry.

But I really do understand that they don't understand - unless they've been through it...I can look back at deaths of friends and family loved ones, feeling really sorry about it, but not getting the entire impact of it. Even my own daughter. Her husband died unexpectedly 3-4 years ago and I remember thinking after a few weeks that she should get on with h er life and start DOING something - and that would help her - thank God I never said anything - NOW it sounds soooooooooooooo callous...especially

now when I'll just spend days at a time in my robe and in or on the bed or the chair...not wanting to talk to anyone, even old and caring friends...not wanting to go anywhere. It's getting better - but the sorrow is still here.

God bless you all,

Love, Benita

[AnnetteAZ]

I'd just like to say that I would love for some one to tell me that I'm strong or that I'm handling it well. While I try not to burden the world with this crushing pain, I have yet for someone to even notice that I really am strong and I really am doing pretty darn well for someone who spends most of her waking hours wishing she was dead. It's like if no one talks about it, it doesn't hurt so bad, and I really am "getting on with my new life". It looks to the world like I am but I'm only going through the motions. Nothing is done anymore with joy or even with purpose...I just faithfully plod through each day so that I can get home and cry myself to sleep (or not to sleep) again. It's getting pretty hard to even do that much.

Well, I'm going to say that we are strong and we are handling it well and that's a good thing. I too never realized the depth of pain the widows I knew went through. They are amazing and inspirational to me because they seem so strong when they too must have felt this crippling dispair.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is the hardest thing that anyone has to do, to lose your mate (unless it's to lose a child). No one can know or even begin to understand until it happens to them. But you'll find that those who post here know it and feel it. I don't post much but I read every day. Someone always expresses what I feel and someone always responds with love and support. It helps to relieve the horrible loneliness of such extreme grief.

[mary c]

Again, I am amazed and so thankful that I found this site. What an inspiring group of people you all are. The personal struggles we all go through as we try to deal with this crippling pain in our hearts. Yes, we are strong, what else can we be? Who would understand if we said we wish we could lay down and never wake up? Sometimes I think of the peace I would feel, but I also have a strong feeling that I am still here (as are all of you) for a reason. Right now I can't imagine what that might be, but someday it will be clear. Maybe I can help someone else, though again, it seems I can't even help myself right now.

I am a mother, and I know I have to be here for my daughter. She is 17 and will graduate in June, but she still needs me, even though she doesn't think so. Why isn't that enough now? Do I sound like a horrible mother, I feel like I must. It is selfish of me, and I never talk to anyone else about this stuff, they would probably be horrified. The loss is so overwhelming to me that everything else really seems pretty petty.

Thanks to everyone for their comments, thoughts and feelings. It feels good to be at a place I can be "real". God Bless each of you on this journey/nightmare.

mary c

In loving memory, Pepper Withers, my love.

[janieb0828]

Everyone,

We are all suffering from the same thing in our lives, we are lucky we have this wonderful website to let us talk to each other.

I think no matter what, we all wanted something to happen differently in the loss of our loved ones.

It took them a long time to get me away from Mike as he laid on the ramp, I didn't want to go, I didn't want to let go, I knew the next time I would see him he would be laying in a funeral home.

Right after the accident happened and the ambulance arrived, I thought he was still alive, when they started cutting off his leather jacket, I told them "Mike is going to be so mad at you guys for cutting his brand new jacket" and they all looked at me so strange, the look on ther face made me realized he was gone. I dragged myself over to him, and they started shocking his heart all I could do is scream and cry, after a couple times of them doing that, I finally said "if he is gone let him go". I just sat and held his hand and cried, they finally made me go to the hospital. Dam I didn't want to leave him yet. I was not ready to leave him yet.

Sorry everyone, I just started and it came out, that is the first time I have told anyone that. Thanks for listening to me.

[kayc]

I know what you mean...I remember after George died and he was in the hospital and they let me in to "view the body"...I was alone with him and I remember as I touched him that his body was still warm and had color...I didn't want to leave because I knew it would be the last time I looked at his earthly body or touched him. It all seems to unreal, even now, after 17 1/2 months. The moment I saw those four doctors walking towards me in the hospital was the most horrible moment of my life. I knew.

The statement "I am convinced that no matter how much time we had or didn't have with our loved one, it's never the right time for them to die...that whether we were there or not there - it's never the right place to be...that no matter how loving or kind we were (or not), it's never loving or kind enough." is so very true. Tonight my boyfriend, John, learned that a friend of his passed away. He was very quiet and pensive, it was very hard for him to understand how someone can be and then just not be. Of course, I knew all of the things to tell him...that is the one good thing about having lost someone, you know what to say and what not to say. I encouraged him to think of it as more like a "temporary move"...one where the other one went a long ways away and can't be reached, but they still exist, and you will be with them again someday. I reminded him that his friend is now free from pain and incumbrances and is in a much better place. It is us who are left here that suffer. My heart goes out to him as he grieves for his friend. He felt bad that he hadn't tried to visit him just a week sooner...but we all feel like that, we can't know when we'll lose someone. Why is it we always try to assume responsibility somehow when we really are good friends/spouses, etc.? We do our best in loving each other...and then we're ripped apart when we least expect it. That is life...and death. The ache never goes away.