Introductory Message

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I'm posting the following message on behalf of our newest member Daddylivesforever. Although she is visually impaired and unable to post messages herself, she is eager to participate in this particular forum, and has asked my help in doing so. We've decided that her postings will be sent to me via e-mail, and in turn I will "cut and paste" the content of her messages into this forum on her behalf. The "talking cursor" on her computer will enable her to read anything that you post in response to her here. I know that each of you will join me in welcoming this newest member to our GH family.

Hello everyone,

I'm a 38-year-old, blind, part-Filipino-part-Hawaiian native of the state of

Hawaii. I come from a family of six kids and was raised by my Daddy only

(I'd get into the details about what had happened to my Mom but I'd rather

not). Since my Daddy and I were not only superclose as father and daughter

but also as best friends within the family, his death in June of

2004--though very much anticipated by everyone--was such a forceful blow to

my self-esteem and psyche that for the next two years, I struggled to come

to terms with my "new" identity without him. I'm still having an extremely

difficult time with my grief because, in my own eyes, he was so much more

than just my only parent. I can't begin to describe my grief here; mere

words simply won't cut it. Maybe watching him die before my eyes

contributed to my heightened grief? Who knows. Thank you'all for reading

my message.

Daddylivesforever

[AnnieO]

Dear Daddylivesforever,

I am so glad you found this website. Marty and everyone here are so kind and caring.

Your dad must have been a wonderful father and friend. I lost my mom Dec 06, she too, was my best friend. I know it's hard to lose a parent but then we lost our best friends too. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back here, it really does help.

[lorikelly]

I am glad that you have found this site. you will meet alot of wonderful people and we are all on the same journey. we are all here to help and listen. pls keep posting . lori

[Trudy1964]

Daddylivesforever,

Welcome to our family. I only wish you were joining us for another reason. I lost my Mom in July of 07. I miss her terribly. This site has helped me more than I can say. I don't always post. Just knowing others are going through the same thing and that I am not alone is so very helpful. Keep coming back. We are always here for you. God Bless.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[LoriS.]

Dear Daddylivesforever,

Welcome to this website. It's a wonderful place to get out your feelings. Everyone here is a great listener and we've all become "friends" through our grief. We are truly here for each other and look forward to hearing from you.

Take care, Lori

[shell]

Daddylivesforever,

Welocme to the board. I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. I lost mine two years ago this month and my mom has not been the same since. We believe she has dementia or Alzheimers and so I have lost her too, in a way. I know what you mean about the "new" you, because you are truly never the same person again once you've lost someone you love. It is one of the hardest parts about grief, I think. It's scary and lonely and very hard to cope with. All you can do is just try to know that you are basically the same person, just with new dimensions, so to speak. I'm still having a really hard time with that too, so you're not alone. I'm glad you found our "family" here at this site. Hope we can all help you in some way.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Haley]

Daddylivesforever

As everone else Welcome. We all are going thru the same things (kinda) and it helps to be able to come and talk (type) and get things off or chest and not be judged, the people here are great they really give you advice that makes you think and try and listen. We all here understand in a way that we can cry on each others shoulders. We are here for you.

Thanks

Haley

[MartyT]

From Daddylivesforever, via e-mail today at 5:02 PM:

Greetings, everyone,

Thank you so very much for your replies. Indeed, I consider our

grief-counselor a blessing because she is helping me to communicate with you

all through my postings and also to read yours as well. The one thing I can

think about describing my ultimate best friend/Daddy is this: He had

literally saved my life at birth. You see, because I was born blind my Mom

had wanted to get rid of me and never, ever set eyes or ears on me ever

again, for the rest of her life. My beloved Daddy had intervened at that

time and had told her that, regardless of what the consequences would be in

their marriage or in his place in sighted society as the father of a blind

child, he was going to raise me up all by himself. Friends, I'm not joking

with you all when I say that he did just that! Throughout my childhood, in

spite of the harsh dividing line between him and my brutally-abusive

Mom--and even between me and my sighted siblings--my Daddy raised me up

successfully to become a fully-mature, independent blind adult capable of

living a "normal" life, whatever that means these days. Even when his

extremely rocky marriage to Mom ended in bitter hostility and a

gut-wrenching child-custody battle, my Daddy never left my side. He never

let Mom, my siblings or anybody else tell him how to raise his blind

daughter or what kind of life she would be living after she turns eighteen.

My Daddy stuck it out for me and with me through thick and thin, through

divorce and remarriage, through crushing ridicule by his work-peers, through

bitter scourgings from my siblings, you name it. And when it came time for

him to really need help in his long-term care (he was very much

incapacitated by several strokes and then some), I was more than willing and

eager to step forward to help my stepmom/his current wife to care for him.

My thought was always this: "Since Daddy stuck by my side as a disabled

child, how much more should I stick by his side as a multiply-disabled elder

father?" Call it payback, retribution or whatever, but to me, it's just

pure love. Pardon my ramblings, folks, but I'm crying as I'm thinking these

things! I can't go on with this message.

Daddylivesforever

[Trudy1964]

Aw, Daddylivesforever, what a beatiful story. Your father was a giant of a man in every sense of the word. What a great honor it would have been to have known him. I work with special needs children so I know what a challenge that can be sometimes. But I also know what a blessing it is and how lucky your Daddy was to have you as you were to have him. He is at peace in heaven so proud of the person you have become. Your mom missed out on so much. God Bless you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[shell]

Daddylivesforever,

I have never heard such a sad, gut-wrenching story. Your father was someone very, very special and you are very, very special because he raised you. I am so sorry for your loss, but you will have the same strength that he did, for you are truly your fathers daughter.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Dear Daddylivesforever,

I agree with Trudy and Shell on everything! What a truly blessed person you are to have been raised by such a wonderful man! How he stood by you was so beautiful. He is still with you and you will always be a part of him.

Hugs to you...Lori

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

The following message comes to us from Daddylivesforever; she has asked that I post it on her behalf:

I have something to share with you this day, and I'm sharing it here in order to make a very strong yet truthful point concerning this life we are living and the value of the existance of our friends and loved ones in our individual lives. No, I'm not trying to spoil your day or "make" you depressed or anything. I'm simply saying this to you: we must stop taking our lives and the existance of our loved ones in them for granted. If we don't stop now, we will never learn to appreciate the breadth of the life we're living nor would we appreciate the irreplaceable people in them too--until it's too late.

During the late-evening hours of Saturday, April 21, our beloved cat Baby was euthanized at the veterinary hospital because of a raging virus (among many other things) that was causing her so much agony. She never acted normally for over three days and so we knew that our time to say our final good-byes to her was nearer than we wanted it to be. So anyhow, once the reality of her death sank in during the wee hours of the next morning, all three of us adults were reduced to REAL tears. For me, her death was a unique loss because of the fact that as a homebody of three years, I had innumerable opportunities to bond with her and with the other pets we have as well. Now, I must take my leisurely walks or sunbathing outdoors with one less pet rubbing her furry body against the side of my leg and providing me with much needed companionship. I must walk outdoors and look around for her, only to realize that, ... Um, I know that the dog will be next to be put down because she is the same age as Baby was--in dog years. Her anticipated death is another loss I must prepare myself for, and knowing this fact just made my grief over Baby's death that much more heartbreaking for me.

But wait! It doesn't stop there! Yes, Baby might be "just a cat" and her death may be "just a cat's death, goodness gracious!" The hand of death wasn't through just yet--not with my life, anyway. And nope, I'm not fatalizing anything! This is not a gut-wrenching guilt trip when I make mention of death's visitation. It's the facts of, well, life--like it or not. Just let me continue my explanations, okay?

Yesterday afternoon, my worst fears about the supposed death of my all-time best female blind friend came to pass. Although I had heard rumors about her passing, I didn't want to believe it for two reasons:

1. The folks who had told me about her death didn't know all the details about its occurrence--if it ever occurred at all; and

2. Throughout the duration of the proliferation of such rumors, I had looked through the obituary notices of "The Honolulu-Advertiser" and never came across any for my dearest: Fatimah "Bonnie" Salameh.

Anyway, once I discovered that Bonnie had died indeed, I immediately stopped my ministry work, ran off to the living room, fell flat on my face--and wept hysterically. ... Thoughts about her smiling face as she passed by me in the HandiVan in late 2005 haunted me and nearly killed me inside. You see, during that time Bonnie and I still weren't on talking terms because of a rotten dispute that had broken out between me and another friend of hers who was trying desperately to drive a wedge between me and her. Sadly, Bonnie had allowed this person to drive the wedge between us--and drive it hard, too--which had ultimately resulted in wicked friction between me and her. Incidentally, when I saw Bonnie on the bus that fall day in 2005, I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was going to be a make-it-or-break-it between us, particularly since we've known each other since 1987 and have been inseparable best friends--on the job, at summer camp, even in college--for at least eight years. Indeed, I had shared parts of myself and my personal life with my dear Bonnie that I've never shared with anybody in my family or even my friends, some of whom are also my childhood blind friends too. The bottom line is this: Bonnie and I both never took that face to-face encounter seriously enough to work things out between us as best friends, and neither one of us had a clue that that was going to be our final opportunity to do so! Did she die without having said her final dying words to me as her most trusted best friend? YES, SHE SURE DID!!! Does that mean that she had allowed this other person's manipulative tactics to drive a permanent wedge between her and me? YES, SHE SURE AS HECK DID!!! Now, did I take the time to give myself another opportunity to talk face-to-face with Bonnie and straighten things out between us so that I could love and honor her as my best friend? NO, I SURE DIDN'T!!! Did it ever cross my mind that I would never, ever have another chance to make things right with her so that we could enjoy more fun times together? NO NO NO, I SURE AS HECK DIDN'T!!! AND NOW, ... IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME TO DO SO!!! ... Look, as a matter of fact I seriously doubt that Bonnie even knew that my Daddy had died in 2004 OR that I had lost a fiance and five close friends by death that very same year as well. At the same time, I'm sure that she doubted that I knew the kind of horrible emotional turmoil she was going through as she thought about me and the blessed friendship we had taken so much for granted. Yes, I'm sure that neither one of us knew those things about the other!

At this point, you may be wringing your hands (so to speak) and asking me these questions: "Okay, what the heck is your point here? Why are you telling me these sad, sobby stories? Why are you making this email for me so freakin' long, anyway?"

Listen! Listen! As I have said to so many friends and family members before--especially within the past three years--I am gonna say it again, this time to you. Never, ever take your family members, friends, coworkers, etc. for granted because you never know that your last words to them--both good and evil--will be just that: YOUR LAST. Never, ever make the same stupid mistakes I made by keeping unresolved conflicts between you and a person unresolved. Suppose you lose your final opportunity to make it right with them--or have them make it right with you. Never, ever say to

yourself:

"I'll fix this problem with such-and-such a person tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or whenever I feel good and ready to or when the time is right for me to."

Your "good and ready to" moment OR "right time" may never come--ever again. EVER!

Just as life never waits for anybody, neither does death itself because death comes to all.

Sincerely,

Daddylivesforever

[STARKISS]

Welcome Daddylivesforever,

I am glad you found this site, Speaking from experience this is the best site on the web for people that are suffering through grief.... Marty is so very helpful and supportive and the people here are just like family... I hope you continue to post and find comfort here God Bless Shelley

[LoriS.]

Daddylives forever...thankyou for that.

Take care...Lori

[Leann]

Hi...

I'm reading your posts for the first time and I'm truly touched...what an inspirational person you are! Your father sounds like an absolute gem...it's no wonder you miss him so much. His impact on your life is huge. Like you, my Dad was not only my father; he was my best friend. He passed away last June 18th (Father's Day) and I miss him so much. It's been year now and I have days where I just cry and cry and cry....the hurt and pain in my heart is so bad. I still feel lost and disoriented. It comforts me to know that someone else is still making their way through the process as well, even though it's been a while. To us, it still feels like it was yesterday.

I'm so glad you found this site and that Marty is able to assist you with posting! Please post as often as you can. The folks here are so caring and writing does help.

Take care. My thoughts, prayers, and hugs are with you.

Love,

Leann

[shell]

Daddylivesforever,

You are so right. You never know when death is going to take that "last chance" away. I'm so sorry about your loss of your best friend and that you never had the chance to say goodbye. My deepest sympathies about the loss of your Baby, too. I am an avid animal lover and it is just as devastating a loss as any other. I just had to have one of my babies put to sleep (cancer of the jaw) a couple of months before my mom died. The only "good" thing about my mom having Alzheimers is that she never knew about Eve being sick and didn't realize that she was gone. I know it would have been as hard a blow to her as it was to me (she loved animals too). So, my deepest sympathies for both of your losses.

Hugs to you,

Shell