On My Own

[rgangel]

I just lost my husband two weeks ago today... I am 32, he was 31. We have a beautiful baby boy, who is almost 7 months. We had just started our family, when we found out he had liver cancer. He went through successful radiation and chemo treatments and had a successful liver transplant. The radiation really caused some problems, and needless to say, he had many complications. We fought for a very long two months,but in he end, was too tired to fight. Now, here I am, by myself, with a very small child to raise. I am trying to grieve, but feel as if I did so much of that while we were on a constant rollercoaster for two months. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Since I've been home, I haven't broken down once. People say they are pretty impressed with the way I'm handling things. Should I be crying every minute? Angry? Sad? I think at this point I'm extremely numb, and don't know how I should be feeling. I'm afraid that if I don't start showing something, it'll all come crashing down and I won't know how to handle myself. I hope there is someone out there that can relate to what I'm going through right now.

rgangel

Edited May 23, 2007 by rgangel

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I am so sorry about your husband. I am glad you found this site.

I know there are people here that will be able to help you and you will find many friends. I lost my mom, our loss is different, but I think the pain of losing someone you love feels the same. You are probably still in shock. The shock and numbness wears off. Take good care of yourself, you and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

[dpodesta]

You are so new into this, give it time. As you read othe rpossts on this site you will find that each one of us grieves on our own time schedule and our own way. Right now you are in the "shock and numb" period, some cry every day while others don't cry as much. I remember the first few months after my wife died, it seemed like I didn't feel anything then it slowly started coming in. You may find that it does come crashing down at one point or another than again it may never happen. Just know that everythiong you are going through is normal and how you feel is how you feel there is no right or wrong feelings. I know it has to be scary for you right now especially facing the fact of raising your 7 month child on your own. I know for me it was one of the more difficult things for me to face and my son was 6 years old when Karen died a little over a year ago. Just keep coming to this site and feel free to post whatever you are going through, you will ot be judged on this site we are all here to help each other get through this

Derek

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My Larry also died of liver cancer. He waited for a transplant but it never came. To answer your question, please know that it was two short weeks ago, this will take time. Don't worry with whether or not your are feeling the right emotions. Your heart and mind are shocked right now and even though you had already been thru alot (I did also) it still doesn't prepare you for this loss. Just take it each day and be kind to yourself. Let people who want to help, help you. Come to this site and just write what you are feeling (even if you don't think its much) and all of us will listen and care. Deborah

[kayc]

I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss, all you have been through and all you will go through. As Derek has already said, you are undoubtedly still in the shock stage. What you are and will be experiencing is normal. Grief is an ongoing process that moves us from our old life into a new one and it takes a lot of time and we experience a whole gamut of feelings, but not all at once. You have found a very caring group of people who will want to support you on your grief journey. There are other young people on this site who are also single parenting now. Please feel free to come on this site any time and just express your feelings or ask for help. This site and this group of people are very wonderful and caring.

[Steven]

People often don't know what to say at all to those who've lost their spouse (or another loved one), so you'll get comments that are meant to comfort but do the opposite, comments like the ones you're receiving about handling things well that don't take into account inner turmoil, delayed response, or numbness, and you might hear a few totally inappropriate remarks that will leave you dumbfounded. Many people want to help but really don't know what to say or do. Everyone has to find their own way down this path of grief, but I doubt that you'll have to try to grieve, especially if you're able to get some counseling. You've found the HOV forum--I don't know whether it was because you used hospice services, or because you searched for it, but you may be able to join a hospice sponsored grief support group if there is one near you.

After experiencing the death of our baby long ago, I was numb, and didn't really deal with our loss directly for years. People thought that I had dealt with things very well, but this wasn't the case at all. Thank goodness my wife had enough sense for the two of us, and was finally successful in her attempts at getting me into counseling. It helped a great deal, but I think it would have been much better if I had agreed to go sooner. Your experience and reactions (the way you're handling things) may mirror mine, or you may have an entirely different way of dealing with trauma that doesn't reflect my experience in the slightest. I think you've found a place full of people who can relate, at least in some way, with your terribly difficult situation and emotional trauma. I hope you continue to visit and post here knowing that we are all pulling for you. - S

[karenb]

I, too, am so sorry for your loss. You are so young to have to go through this even though, I guess, it doesn't matter what age....such a sad loss. As they've said here before me it is so new and you've gone through so much, especially with a little one in tow, that you probably are very numb. Just let things happen as they will and don't even worry about it. You are very normal. I lost my husband about 1 1/2 years ago. I went through many stages, very slowly. You have that wonderful baby to take care of and I'm just sure that's going to be a great comfort to you. Take good care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.

Karen

[MickeyW]

rgangel--

I'm kind of right there with you. We found out about my wife's cancer recurrence (she'd been in remission for over 2 years)in the end of February, had one round of chemo, and it went quickly downhill from there--she died 4 weeks ago today, less than 9 weeks after the diagnosis. I, too, feel like those 2 months accelerated my grieving process--I already felt like a widower during much of that time, especially toward the last few weeks when she was largely unresponsive. I kept her home the entire time, and took off work to care for her. I have also had very little of the intense emotional reactions--numbness, mostly, but "handling it really well" seems to be the label everyone has put on me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that--we're just handling it in our own unique way. The weeks of illness prior to the death are certainly part of it. Having a child to take care of is another. Although mine is older, I still have him home and dependent on me, so falling apart is not really an option--he needs food on the table, clean clothes, and supervision, so I'm on-duty. Maybe that also keeps us from wallowing in our own grief, I don't know. If you're not crying every 2 minutes, don't worry, that's also okay. I occasionally cry at certain triggers around the house--which I try to avoid--like her "things" which are still all over the place; her glasses on the dresser, pocketbook on the window seat, cell phone on her desk--and the nights are particularly difficult, when the house is quiet and seems more empty after my son is asleep--but mostly, being absorbed in the mechanics of day-to-day life, and taking care of all the administrative paperwork associated with dying (gotta shop for groceries, change the oil in the car, file more death certificates for insurance, apply for social security survivor's benefits, etc, etc...), who has the time to be weeping continuously? I miss her terribly, miss our life together, miss MY life, which is now gone--but I guess some of us appear, at leat, to just go on with it.

Michael

[LarrysGirl]

Micheal, this is a perfect example of how great this site works for all of us. For you to share your experience which is so similar will help beyond measure. I'm always amazed how the right person will respond to each topic and provide just what somebody needs to hear. Deborah

[chrissy777]

rgangel,

Numb is the perfect word to discribe the first 6 months after I had lost my husband. You dont remember much and you are in survival mode. I lost my husband while I was pregnant and he was undergoing a bonemarrow transplant for his treatment of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Many people were comenting on how well I was doing, but I must warn you for me it had become much worse after the numbness went away. My major word of advice is to cry and express your feelings. It is such a hard thing to go through, and I am so sorry you have had to experience it. It takes time..

Take care,

Chrissy

[kayc]

I have to say that the second year was harder than the first for me and I hadn't expected that. Of course nothing is worse than the initial shock, but after that, I thought I was handling it, but I had complicated grief due to just finding out about his drug use right before he died. After he died, I began to learn about each and every lie that went with it and it left me angry and wondering what we'd really had. It took some time for me to work through all that and after I finally worked through that, then it changed to a different kind of grief, more that of missing my best friend and having the reality of everything he had meant to me...being gone. I had plunged headlong into rebuilding my life before I'd completely addressed my loss so I had to back up and deal with that loss...none of this may make any sense to you, my situation is a little unique. Although I feel stronger as a person, I also still miss George so very much. It's been hard to relegate that loss into it's rightful place in my life.

[kath]

Dear rgangel,

I saw your post last night for the first time. I was searching for posts entered near the date of my husband's death. He died the day he was supposed to be put on the list for a liver transplant. Until then, his doctors told me he wasn't sick enough to be evaluated. My son just asked me why they couldn't keep dad on life support until a liver became available. Your pain shows me that there are no guarantees.

I believe we are given the intense feelings of loss only when we are able to handle them. It may be you haven't been given the people in your path that are best able to support you when you are dealing with it. Don't try to fit into a "norm", whatever feelings you have are okay.

Take care,

Kath

[singledad2]

rgangel,

So sorry to hear that you had to join our 'club'. Each of us deals with grief in differing ways. Some will grieve heavily for lengthy periods, while others will be able to work through the grief a bit quicker. Please keep in mind that there are no rules to this cruel game. Just when you think you may be in total control, you are apt to fall to pieces. When you feel like you've run out of fluids from crying non-stop, God will grant you some temporary peace. I suffered the most devastating loss I could ever have imagined on March 31st. For me, I tried my best to be there for my 4 children and show a strong emotional state. Inside, I was dying slowly. I learned that I could control my emotions substantially and really let loose when I was alone. For some reason, that has worked for me. I find my most significant emotional releases come after reading this board and discovering how others are going through the same issues. These releases seem to allow me to channel my emotions (for the most part) into segments that allow me to still be able to function nearly normally (whatever that is)on an external basis. It also has provided me with a more stable response when others say things that seem to really sting my heart. Everyone around me has been very loving and supportive, but as has been stated in earlier posts, unless one has personally been in this position, they rarely know how difficult it can be to hear certain 'comforting words of wisdom.' Just do what works for you. Only you will know what is best for you. Trust your head and your heart. That is what we all did once, and look at the wonderful spouses that we were able to enjoy as a result of that trust! Hang in there. Life will never be the same, but the wounds will someday heal. The scars will remain--as will the wonderful memories. These are the things that will forever be a part of us, but we do not have to allow them to define who we are. Please take care of yourself first, so you can take care of your child in a manner that reflects the love and caring ways that you and your husband would have provided together. Visit here often, and post when you feel the need. These are great people who will always be there for you.

SD2

[JeanneC]

rgangel:

I am very sorry to hear about your husband and at such a young age. Not that at any age would be better. I remember coming to this site just two weeks after my husband died. It is now just over 3 months. I am also alone, but have no children. My husband had a heart attack and was in the hospital, bed ridden for 5 months. I used to go every day, never missed a day and at times was there for 24 hours. My job was absolutely wonderful to me. In those 5 months I saw my husband go through ups and downs. While in the husband, he had two heart attacks. We tried to get him on a heart transplant list, but it is very hard. A week before he died, he was accepted to get a LVAD, which is a heart assist device which is a bridge to a heart transplant. Everyone was excited, but he got a bacterial blood infection which caused his organs to shut down. They tried everything, dialysis, antibiotics, but his body was so week at this point after being there for 5 months that he could not fight the infection which caused him to have septic shock.

I cried for many months while I was in the hospital, siting there all alone at times while in my thoughts. My husband would see me crying and then he would cry, which made it worse for me, seeing him cry. I would go home and cry. I was very numb at the whole thing.

People tell me now that I seem to be handling everything real well. I guess it is all those months in the hospital that I grieved. You are probably very busy with your child that all of this had not set in yet. You might deal with this very well. Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no timetable.

This site is wonderful and they help me through some tough times. Don't forget that everyone is very caring here.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[teny]

Im so sorry for your loss.And realy understand your pain cause I lost my husbant from liver cancer. He was diagnosed in october and died in2 of november.No time to fight.You are to young to suffer this loss.Taking care of your baby that is part of your husband will give you strength to go on .Do you have family?Do you have friends to hold your hand and help?Im thinking of you from far away TENY

[Guest moparlicious]

rgangel,

Let me start off by saying how sorry I am for your loss of your husband, at a young age I know exactly what you are going through, so I am going to share my story with you and hope this helps. I do believe there is no right or wrong way to grieve, you just do what is good for you, for no one shall judge, they are not you!!!!

My name is Kim I am 41 years old, my beloved husband of 20 years died of cancer on 08/20/07, left behind a wife and 3 children, we were together for 24 years. My husband started getting sick, vomiting headaches everyday, I finally got him to go to emergency room where we received the grim news he has cancer. The doctors first found it in his liver and when he went to the er he was in stage 4 already, trying to find the primary source, which they finally did the esophogus, he began his chemo treatments, after 19 hospital stays all for a week or more he began to make some improvements his counts even went down, then he began to have seizures, we found out at this time the cancer had spread to his brain. He fought with every ounce of energy he had but could no longer fight his cancer was spreading like wildfire, he was gone in 3 months from the first seizure and was on Hospice. Not a day goes by I don't miss him and wish for him to be here, he was my world, my meaning for life, my joy of being alive. I am blessed we have 3 wonderful children together!!! You have him within your child, that will never leave you.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and please keep coming back, for everyone here is my family and we do understand. God Bless, Love, Kim