Need Some Friends Right Now

[suzanne]

Hello all

I am new here but I need some words of something from somebody. It will only be 6 months Sunday since I lost the most wonderful man, my husband Will. He was my soulmate, the very air that I breathed. His exwife died two weeks ago and now I even question the only thing I had to cling to, my hope for our eternity together. They had 3 children togheter, which want nothing to do with me now. I know he loved me but is it different on the other side? Now my Dad is dying before my eyes as well and I can't stop that either. Hospice has said this morning he is in the last stages and now the feeding tube has been stopped today. I'm not ready for another major loss. Please help me somehow to get through this. Would someone give me something to hold on to. I've prayed for strength but at this moment I'm losing it very quickly. My mother is not as strong as she thought she would be and I'm too broken to help anyone.

Suzanne

[karenb]

You're having so much happen in such a short amount of time. You said that you prayed about this so you must have some faith background. I don't know if you want to hear this particular prayer but I hope so. He really is the one who can help you.

So, if you're "in over your head" now, here's a prayer for you: "Father, it feels like I'm in an impossible situation with no way out. I need to feel Your presence, the encouragement of Your Spirit, and to be reminded that with You all things are possible. Bring the answers of heaven to my earthly situation. On the outside things look hopeless but you created the earth from nothing. You can do anything, so today I thank You and know that with You nothing is impossible."

I lost my husband, my favorite aunt, my sister, and my 21-year-old cousin to Leukemia within the last few years. The day will come when you can look back and see how these lessons have made you learn and grow and have built such good character in you. It's a very hard fight to get through these things but you are here and it really is up to you to keep on fighting. Try to rely on your inner strength. Stay healthy. I'm so sorry so much is going on now but please take care of yourself so you have the strength to carry on.

Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Suzanne, I'm so sorry you have so many difficult things happening right now. The grief is hard enough on its own. I don't have any words of wisdom, I wish I did. You have to feel overwhelmed, anyone would. Just try to breathe, slow down your thoughts and take care of yourself. If you pray, then I hope you can find some comfort. I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope tomorrow will bring you more strength and peace. You can do this. Just take it one step at a time. Deborah

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

I am sad to hear of your loss, I understand where you are coming from. You have a lot going on. Just remember that God won't give you more than you can handle. I know it seems like it at times. Just pray and turn it over to God and he will take care of you. You have found a good group of people here that will be here for you when you need help and encouragement. They helped me during my darkest hours. I will be praying for you.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Hi Suzanne

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have lost my soulmate, 6 months ago. I would never have journeyed without God.My prayer is that God will do exactly and even more for you than He has done for me so far. I will pray for you.

I am quite preoccupied with heaven, so I find your comment interesting on the fact that your dreams of eternity are broken as Will's first wife died recently. Marty and all my dear, dear friends, could you coment on this please?. What do you think its going to be like when Suzanne meets up with Will in Heaven one day? Am looking forward to responses. Take Care Susanne

[smhenglish]

To add to Derek's message that God never gives you more than you can handle... Think of this, perhaps God knows you are stronger than you realize?

In the past year, my life has been in constant turmoil. Starting in July 2006, my teenage daughter attempted suicide, my son was diagnosed with autism, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, my daughter then got pregnant and 4 months later lost the baby, then my husband passed away. Every time something more would happen, I would ask God, "how much more can I take?" Interestingly enough, I would get calmer with each dilemma.

God will take care of you. You just need to let him.

Make sure you're eating and getting enough rest (at least that's what everyone keeps telling me). I know... easier said than done. Let God know that you are hurting. He won't change what has already happened, but He can ease your pain.

Edited August 30, 2007 by smhenglish

[kayc]

Suzanne,

This is a subject that has been asked before...in fact, the disciples asked Jesus about this many years ago...if a man has a wife that dies and he remarries, when he dies, who is his wife in heaven? Jesus answered that in heaven there isn't marriage like there is here...it really isn't something to worry about. You and your husband were in love and close and you will still love each other, but there is no longer jealousy or possessiveness like we know it here. Do not worry, you will still mean what you did to your husband, you will know each other, you will love each other. Your husband and his ex wife ended their relationship years ago. Whether or not his children have anything to do with you or not has no bearing on how he will feel about you. When we get to heaven, these problems will be taken care of, resolved, no longer an issue. There will be peace, no tears, no more sorrow. Please let the God of all peace calm your heart and be with you now. He knows your feelings of abandonment and aloneness and cares for you very much...let Him wrap His arms around you...I pray for you even now. Amen.

My husband John has two children who are grown and they refuse to even meet me and say they never want to know me...that hurts but we continue with our relationship all the same - what they choose to do we cannot control...nor can we let it control us. Maybe someday these "children" will come around, maybe they won't...it hurts because it's a big part of them we'd like to be a part of, but we also have to let it go as it's something we can't control. NOTHING can alter the love you have with your dear husband...not even death. It hasn't altered the love you have for him, has it? Take care and let us know how you're doing.

Love,

KayC

[WendyJ]

Kay,

I have a question for you. You mentioned in your post that when you go to heaven there will be peace and no more pain and no more sorrow. So does that mean when I sit here day after day and cry and cry and talk to my husband and beg him to please communicate with me or to please be with me and help me to go on alone that he does not witness my pain? In other words do you feel that they can hear us and wish they could comfort us and feel bad that we are going through this? Can they look down upon us and see how much we miss them and need them? Oh dear am I making any sense?

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

My belief is and I have also be told by several preachers that our loved ones can look down on us but that they don't see the sad times or hard times, they just see the happy moments in out lives. Now wheather or not they wish they could comfort us I don't know, that might be considered as sad or longing and Heaven is a wounderous place that I think no one would want to leave. It brings me and others comfort talking to our loved ones and maybe they do hear us.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Wendy

what you describe is excatly what I feel. I too am 48, lost my loving husband in March 2007 and am really upset by the fact that he is blissfully unaware of how I am feeling about losing him. This really hurts more than I care to admit, Its like I have been wiped off his memory, like We never existed. He is supremely happy in Heaven, I kNOW he is there as we are both believing Christians, but what good does that do me right now in the middle of my mourning. with repsect, I feel that this has been such a punitive blow to me. I pray that God will help me to work thru this one and give meHis peace..Any suggestions from my dear friends on this site would be warmly welcomed, help

[kayc]

I think they would love to comfort us but I also think they are somehow shielded from anything bad, perhaps they are given an extraordinary way of dealing with things or perhaps they aren't exposed to anything unlovely, I don't know, I only know what the Bible tells us, I don't know how God accomplishes it. I find comfort in the knowledge that there is a better place than this and that in spite of all that I go through here, George no longer has to suffer like those of us still on earth.

I think that what you are experiencing, Erica, is perhaps the anger stage...anger at being left to deal with everything seemingly by yourself. When you are able to look back after time has passed, you will see that you were not left entirely on your own as you thought, even though you have felt that way, but have been gently cared for by God himself. He uses other people and circumstances to work in our lives. I know that I have felt like you have felt and it all seemed very unfair...I guess fairness just never does enter in to this life, this world. I am sorry you are experiencing all that you are, it's very hard.

Edited September 10, 2007 by kayc

[walter/Erica]

Kayc, You are right, there is some anger which is worse at times. I was driving home this afternoon from work and actually shared with the Lord how Walter and i together carried the burden of his illness. I said I am now alone, no Walter to help me with my grief and really asked the Lord, pleaded with Him to intervene in a miraculous way. i just feel so empty and pained. I cant imagine, that around 10 days ago, I thought I was getting better....

It was 6 months since my darlings passing on Saturday.....

it is encouraging to hear that I wont always feel this forsaken ...I am hanging onto that hope and really trusting God to PULL me through this terrible nightmare. To day I cried out to God and said that I felt I couldnt take another step....

[kayc]

We who go through this grief journey, learn that there are ups and downs...we sometimes feel we are doing better (and we are) and sometimes it feels like we've been hurled right back to square one, and it's important to remember that both are places that are normal and understandable...but we cannot give up continuing the journey. Last night I watched a DVD "Broken Bridges" and in it there was a song the young girl wrote and sang that talked about being broken and how it makes us the people we are. That song really spoke to me because I know it is true, we learn in our brokenness. It is our brokenness that causes us empathy and understanding of others. It is our brokenness that sometimes fuels our desire for change of ourselves or of some part of the system. It is our brokenness that causes us to reach out to God and to others for help. It is our brokenness that often teaches us so many valuable lessons. You have heard it said that every cloud has a silver lining, and so it is true. In the beginning of this journey I could not have imagined anything could be good in this, and I still don't like to think of it as such and yet it is true, I have learned so much in this journey, I can only think of those things as being the silver lining that came with the painfulness.

[WendyJ]

I understand there are far too many things that we do not understand but I can't imagine this hurt not going away. When I met Steve I was only 15 years old and in High School, within minutes of meeting him I turned to my girlfriend and said that is the man that I will marry someday. 6 years later on April 28th 1979 we were married. I never prayed to win the lottery or to have a mansion etc. All I ever wanted was to marry my Steve and have 2 girls and have a cute house with a white picket fence, have a dog and have enough money to be able to pay our bills and be able to put some money away for our future so that Steve and I could grow old together and enjoy all our years. Well we got married, had our 2 girls, I am still in the house with the white picket fence, have 6 little dogs (so I was off by a few)and here I am alone now. What is so fair about that? Why should my husbands brother still be here on earth when he is a horrible person that his family has disowned and is a drug addict, an alcoholic, been in and out of jail his entire life for everything imaginable, has threatened all our lives, has burned houses etc. and even has TB and had a lung removed and lives under the Golden Gate Bridge ( Nice huh? ) and yet my husband who never did any of those things and was an incredible most wonderful man had to die young. I am tired of hearing God had better plans for him....I don't buy that. He had family and friends here that loved him dearly and needed him and we still do, we are lost without him. Doesn't seem fair to me to take such a wonderful person away and devastate so many people and cause so much pain...this has entirely ruined my faith in God as I just don't understand the fairness in it all. I remember someone whom I used to work with that had a mug that said "Lifes a B*t*h and then you die". It is so true, you work so hard your entire life to struggle to get to where you want to be and then the rug is lifted from out from under you and you land flat on your a*&. It is then up to you to pick yourself up and put yourself back together again and go on. People you have known for years and friends suddenly fall out of site as they don't know what to say to you or it is like the 2 of us were a package deal and now one of us is gone. People keep telling me you have to look to the future and not dwell on the past or crying won't bring him back etc. I really as you can see don't know who to blame, I know my husband never ever would have left me and I know how he fought leaving so at no point would I ever be mad at him for leaving me alone like this but if there is so much pain and suffering and wars and death and disease in this world how are we supposed to keep the faith when the world is such a horrible place?

Wendy

[MartyT]

Ah, my dear Wendy, you are absolutely right: It's not fair, and that is the harsh reality that none of us wants, but all must face.

You might find this article helpful:

It's Not Fair

[LarrysGirl]

Wendy, I just read this post this morning. I UNDERSTAND. I ask the same questions over and over, to the point of torture. When I first found this site one of the first things I wrote was about my faith having been ruined. I believed in prayer, healing, etc. but now none of it makes any sense to me. The explanations by well meaning people do nothing do comfort me. "He is in a better place", well damm, why did he have to leave in the first place!!! He wasn't ready to die, he didn't want to leave me and his beloved dogs, we had plans, we had hope and were looking forward to our future together. I waited all my life for a love I'd never had before and was grateful every minute for it. I ask myself, why would God take the only thing I cared about from me. Please for those of you who have strong convictions, please don't be offended, I'm happy for you if it brings you comfort. Its just not for me at this time. Wendy, I wish you some peace and comfort. I'm at 22 months. I've found little of either. Deborah

[dpodesta]

Larrysgirl,

I for one am not offended, you are where you are and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope that one day you will be able to find the comfort and peace that you deserve.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I totally understand and have been there before myself. I feel peace now and don't question and torment myself with "why?" when maybe there really is no answer anyway and what good would it do? I know a lot of people blindly trust God because they have to believe in something in order to live. I am not one of those people. I believe in God because I KNOW Him and what He is capable of and what He is like. To just blindly accept glib answers would not work for me either and I hate cliches. All I can tell you is that I think it's very normal and understandable to feel anger because of the huge devastation and loss that has infiltrated your life. You are right, life is NOT fair...but then, I don't recall anyone telling us it would be. I don't recall being promised that the guy in the white hat wins or that good will be rewarded with good. The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, in other words, it just happens. I think sometimes people look too hard for a reason for everything and sometimes stuff just happens. I had a friend that ate organic food that she grew herself and she worked hard and she spent her life taking care of her animals and garden and with friends and did bookkeeping to pay the bills. She died of cancer in her 40s. By all standards, she of all people shouldn't have, she didn't live a stressful materialistic life, she ate healthy, wasn't overweight, didn't drink and smoke or do drugs, yet she died. Life isn't fair. It doesn't go according to plan. If even some of your plans come to fruition, you are fortunate. I feel we who had a wonderful spouse for any length of time are lucky to have had them at all. I have a sister that has been married to an ogre for 37 years, she's never had a man who loved her and treated her well. I am more fortunate than her and I only had my George for a few years. It takes a lot of time to come to the point of acceptance of what's happened and when you are in the anger stage you can't even imagine ever accepting because you're angry. All of us have been there and some of us have stayed there. Go ahead and vent, get your feelings out, it is very important that you voice yourself and not bottle it up because you don't want it to turn on you and poison you. You have every right to feel angry! I have a saying too, it is "Life sucks and then you die!" I don't entirely feel that, because I think there's good stuff to life too, but sometimes it DOES feel that way. I don't know why some of the good ones are taken and the rotten ones hang around forever to torment us. I've wondered that many times, I've lost my mother in law who was my best friend, my daddy, my husband, a niece and nephew. Life happens, death happens, it's all part of a cycle not of our choosing or control. I can only wish you peace in your future as you work it out.

Marty,

Thank you for sharing that wonderful article with us, it says it all.

Edited September 13, 2007 by kayc

[WendyJ]

Ah, my dear Wendy, you are absolutely right: It's not fair, and that is the harsh reality that none of us wants, but all must face.

You might find this article helpful:

It's Not Fair

Thank you so much, I did find that article helpful, I especially liked the end about balance...that is so true.

Thanks,

Wendy

[karenb]

You know after having been through a lot of this process I look back to the beginnings of it and remember how totally miserable I was for some time. I remember it all, logically, but I don't remember some of the actual feelings because I now know it was all there to teach me things and I'm coming out on the other side the better for it. I have so much empathy for everyone who's going through the worst right now but I know there'll be success for you down the road. Believe me, I still have occasional melt-downs and when that happens I just warn whomever I'm with what's happening and my daughter, for one, just "talks me through it" and it works. I come out on the other side feeling one step further along the line. Like many of you, through the years there have been so many things I wish didn't have to happen, but they did, and I survived, and it definitely know it's that one step at a time.

Here's a few thoughts, maybe, to ponder: 1) set an achievable goal and keep focus, 2) write down your plan and make deadlines, a list of activities, maybe, 3) visualize yourself attaining those goals, talk and think success, 4)stay informed and learn, 5)create a climate of confidence around you, 6) help others become successful, try to conquer self-centeredness, pity, etc. 7) put God first, He wants you to succeed.

I found trying to accomplish any of these things is hard, especially when you're in the midst of dispair but trying is good. Take care, my friends, we'll all make it just fine.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Kayc,

I think you said it all, there is another saying that only the good die young. My mother-in-law was the same way, she died of cancer shortly after she retired. She was a God fearing, church going, non smoking, non drinking, non sun-bathing eating right kind of person yet God saw fit to call her home. I can look at it this way, sometimes someone's death will teach someone else something. The reason may not be apparent to everyone. When my mother-in-law died, it taught me how to cry once again, it taught me how to feel sorrow and not be ashamed to show it. Before my mother-in-law died the last time I really felt was when my grandmother died 12 years before then. She was the light in my life and when she died when I was 17 I shut down. Most of my feelings I learned to surpress and to not feel. Now not many people know that so my mother-in-laws death to them may seem in vain. To me it wasn't God used her death to teach me something. Do I wish that there would have been another way? Heck yes. God doesn't always work that way. I have come to accept that. I had a lot of trouble after my wife died and I made it through it. I have learned that I can sit in self pity, I can sit and ask why did this have to happen to me, and a whole list of others and then remain miserable for the rest of my life. Never to love again or to enjoy anything again. Believe me, I though about doing just that during the begining. I realized that is not living. I want to live and be happy again. In order to do that I had to accept Karen's death, I had to accept that God knows what he is doing. I had to get off my butt and work through some painful stuff. I chose to live. It wasn't easy, if you read a lot of my previous posts you will be able to see I had a tough time. But I did it. I still have my days, I had a couple recently. I will always miss Karen, but I refuse to sit back and be mad at God or anyone else for that matter for the rest of my life and be miserable. I learned to forgive and to release that in order for me to start living again. I don't like that I had to go through this, but I know now that I am stronger for it and because of it I know that I can go through anything. I know in my heart that Karen would want it that way.

Love always

Derek

[MartyT]

Well said, dear ones. And having been blessed with your first loves, you've also learned what true love is. We human beings have an infinite capacity to love, and if we are open to it and willing to risk it, we can one day find room in our hearts to love another ~ precisely because we've learned what true love is, so we will know it and recognize it if and when we are fortunate to find it again with someone new. Think of how many people go through life never having been blessed with finding a true soul mate, never even knowing what true love is, or even recognizing it when it may be right there in front of them . . .

[dpodesta]

For those that are interested in finding love again I have started reading a book called "Mars and Venus Starting over" by John Gray. This book starts out talking about how to heal a broken heart after the death of a loved one, divorce or break up. I have really found the information helpful and can see a lot of the things I have done in the pages. I think some of the book would be helpful for those who aren't looking for another relationship.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Thanks, Derek. I'll get that book. It's been two years but I am one of those who aren't looking for another man. I seem to be content just as I am but it would be nice to have one to walk with, talk with, or feed now and then but nothing more. I suppose that isn't possible, though, huh?

Your friend....Karen

[dpodesta]

Karen,

Too bad you are in Seattle, I would let you feed me every now and then. I get tired of eating my own cooking. I think it is possible, you never know.

Love always

Derek