Hello All

[kayc]

William,

Don't apologize for anything you say, it's important to get our feelings out, that's what we're here for!

[WendyJ]

Hey Everyone,

Kay you poor thing, I am glad you are felling better though. It is bad enough having to go through that pain and have to go to the hospital but during the night really stinks !

Corinne I am glad you made it back from your weekend away and it was a pleasant one, nope haven't taken my meds yet but I will as soon as I eat dinner, thanks !

Derek....mell of a hess? LOL That's a good one but something tells me that is not what you wanted to say? LOL

William what in the heck are you apologizing for ? Did you see my post after yours? I think I was more depressed than you were ! But neither one of us should apologize that is why we are here ....right?

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

Well, William

I'm going to echo what everyone else has said.....don't say you're sorry for feeling frustrated and letting us know. We've all felt a million frustrations, I know I have. You just tell us what you need to...we're always here for you.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

Actually that is what I wanted to say, I thought it nicer than what I really meant.

love

Derek

[Gail_R]

Hi Everyone had not a bad weekend. Thank god was do for one been in a real downer for the last few weeks and not sure why. Friday had a dentist appointment went for lunch with my sister and the banking groceries. Then went home and got Madison my golden retriever and went to my mom and dad's for supper it is something that we have been doing the three of us since they mover back here in Sept. Saturday cut grass and did a few things around the yard to get things ready for winter. Sunday went to church and it was AllSaints day and they had something for Bruce thank god Christina our daughter was there because I broke down. Her and my son-in-law went to Bruce grave and got his John Deere flag that we put up in the spring. Had another little cry but allwas good. I have a hard time believing that he will be gone 10 on the 20th of this month. Well it's nice to have friend that understand what I'm going through and are here for me. thanks guy's lets hope we all have a good week. Gail

[karenb]

Hi Gail,

Sounds like you had a really busy weekend and good things happened and some things that maybe made you feel sad. Good for you, you made it through another weekend. It's always just plugging away, isn't it? I do the same thing and I've been in this for just over two years. I have my home business, transcribing courtroom proceedings, and that keeps my mind occupied and learning but in the evenings it's still very hard being alone. I guess I can't call it lonely....just alone. I try and keep something handy for my hands to do...right now it's just little Christmas presents for my good lady friends....crocheting kitchen dish cloths, making bib aprons, and then adding some of my canned goods in little baskets. It's kind of fun to see their faces....people do seem to like "little" things. Have a wonderful evening, Gail, and keep up the good work.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

My friends, lately it seems I am just going to blow to pieces, its harder than I could imagined just a week ago, Just don't like to express myself, but thanks for the consolation, here is the only corner of the world that is safe

Gail, seems the timing for all of us is against us, what a group here! you know I am not able to see my wifes grave, not even a picture of it, her family makes it impossible to obtain a picture, but if I could travel 2500 miles to just say "I miss you baby" maybe it lessen the grief. Thats the way she wanted it and to this day its wrong. I often tell myself "its just a shell of her former self" and that in some minute way, gives peace.

Love,

William

[WendyJ]

William my heart is breaking right now for you. I didn't know that you could not visit your wife's grave or you didn't have her there with you. I am assuming then that she wanted to be buried close to where she grew up? William I wish we all lived near eachother to be there for eachother, this is so hard. Is anyone else starting to feel like their 8th month is starting out to be a very hard one? Does anyone else feel like they are going backward instead of forward?

Love,

Wendy

[lyn]

William,

I felt compelled to reply to your post. Like you, i was not able to see his gravesite too, was not able to attend his funeral because of the distance between us. I relate to the pain you are feeling, i know how hard it is. There are days that all i want to do is lay on top of his grave and spend the whole night there, but i couldnt do it and it tears me apart. Writing about it now breaks my heart again..

[Gail_R]

William I'm so sorry. Going to Bruce's grave is like a double edge sword it makes me cry to have to go there to see him but it is a place that I can go and talk to him. I'm sure that your wife know's how much you loved her and how much you miss her. William how long where you married? Did you have any children? Bruce and I where married 30 years and have 3 grown children. 2 married and the youngest son still lives with me. Our oldest son and his wife are expectiong their first child in May that will be the first grandchild. William I am so happy to have made a friend in you and is nice to come here a post and have people that understand what it is we are going through. Have a good night and hope to here from you again. Gail

[dpodesta]

William,

I am so sorry that you can't visit the grave. I know for myself I like to go every now and then, but like you said she is not there, what is buried is only a shell her soul is in Heaven and she is watching over you.

Wendy and everyone else in their 8th month,

Right now is going to be a difficult time for you all. It will seem like you are stepping backwards and you are a little, but keep in mind that the steps backwards are not going to be all the way to the begining. You all have made progress during these last 8 months. You are also in a difficult time period right now with the holidays coming up so that just amplfies your emotions. Let me assure you it will get better, just take it one day at a time and keep coming here.

I love all of you and consider you all as extended family, together all of us can get through this.

Love

Derek

[karenb]

It is so terribly sad what has happened to us all. William, you're such a passionate, loving person that this is (I'm shaking my head from side to side) so awfully sad. All of us! I just feel so very sad for the pain involved in this thing. We need to be strong, and we are, and we aren't! Tonight, I have a lump in my throat for your pain, I just want to cry and for mine, too. I think I finally dreamed of my husband last night after all this time....I think I felt I lost him and couldn't find him, but I feel now I have....maybe. Hang in there, guys, we have each other....whatta family!

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

As I sit here with tears in my eyes so much I can't see the keyboard I realize how grateful I am that you are all here and we are all friends. It is so nice to have a place to go where we all understand eachothers pain and can express ourselves without being judged. I myself am having a horrible time. From the minute Halloween ended the damn media had to start with Christmas already.....dear me it is 2 months away !!! I haven't even been able to barely appreciate the fall never mind the Holidays ! Anyhow I am so glad that I left another group that I belonged to because of in activity and coldness and found this group and each one of you, you all mean so much to me !

Love,

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Wendy, many times in the past we fought on where we should be buried, she always said her homeland. I thoguht that was selfish, and in the will she wrote " I want to be buried, not cremated next to my father" I had to read it several times. She was abused by that man! and 2nd, she know it would be medically impossible for me to travel there..I wish we could get together, each day that passes without any real interaction drains my ability to socialize. Its still difficult like you said too, oddly, I didn't sleep hardly at all on Nov 2nd, and wasn't consciously thinking of her anniversary.

Lyn, did you post that before? Gosh I didn't know you have that to contend with also, it is so hard isnt it? what can we talk to other than their grave? doesn't it hurt they chose to be buried beyond our boundaries?

Gail, 30 years, that is amazing, you still learn about your partner though the decades, I was hoping for the same, I knew her for 9 and married for 8 in january 29th, well maybe not since it was 2 months. We ddin't want children due to our past histories of health and abuse, I wish I did sometimes to perpetuate her. this is so hard, how do we go on??

Derek,

is it ok bibically to talk to them in the thin air? I feel wierd doing so.

love you guys, this is hard right now.

William

[WendyJ]

William,

Steve's ashes are right in my bedroom and I have a few pictures around them and an electric candle and flowers and what do I talk to...nothing. Well that didn't come out right what I mean is as I sit here on the computer in the extra room his picture is looking right at me and as I type I constantly look up at his picture and say things like I miss you etc. But I can't yet go to his urn and open myself up as I downright get hysterical. I drive home from work teary eyed knowing he will not be there when I arrive but if I talk to him in the car...I get hysterical. I know alot of you say you talk to your spouses all the time and tell them your day etc. but for some reason I can't do that without loosing it, what is wrong with me?

Love,

Wendy

[lyn]

William,

It is terribly hard..it is terribly painful. I am angry with our situation because i couldnt be there with him.. i feel so helpless and angry because i couldnt do anything.

My eulogy was read by his family during his funeral and they put a special thing on his coffin that came from me..

Talking about this is too painful for me, i wonder how long can i go on?

[dpodesta]

William,

I don't know of anywhere inthe Bible where it says it is wrong or right to talk to your loved ones who have passed on. I personnally don't see how it could go against God, after all when we pray are we not talking to someone through thin air? The way I see it, if you are comfortable talking to them then by all means talk to them, whatever helps you to get through this. I myself feel weird about it even when I am at the grave, so I don't say much. I feel that she knows what is going on without me having to tell her, again that is my own feelings towards that. I envy those that can talk to them comforrtably.

Love

Derek

[WendyJ]

William and Lyn,

I am sitting here speechless, I am so sorry that the 2 of you were not at your spouses funerals, I do not know why and it is none of my business but I want you 2 to know it seems so unfair. I myself have a hard time looking at my husbands urn knowing he is in there ! My husband was a 250 lb teddy bear and I look at this box and it hurts so much to know that is him now. Oh dear I have to stop talking I am making things worse for myself, again guys I am so sorry this must be hard for you.

Love,

Wendy

I just want to say goodnight to everyone as tonight is too much for me, I am too upset and am going to bed, I'm sorry but I will talk to you all tomorrow.

I love you all !

[lyn]

Wendy,

Nothing in life seems fair anymore. I couldnt count the number of times i have told God how unfair he is to me, How could he take away the man i love so much.

I have told Derek once that i read a lot of the posts here and i envy all of you because you were able to spend time with your loved ones..that you were able to spend time taking care of them..How i wish i was given that chance too..

This is a real heavy day..hope tomorrow will be better..we will get through this.

[karenb]

Well, I don't know if you believe or not, but I am praying the Good Lord to bless you all.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Wendy,

I hope you slept well, its still hard, time and time, day after day why do we sink in despair? I had to sign off awhile ago, couldn't stop crying.

Lyn, you got a strong point there, life is ruthless and full of pain, I did many times yell at God too, and still to this day, why? why? did we do something so abominable to deserve this? We debated this before but I still wonder why nothing makes sense. Are you tired of going out in the world "acting" role playing? Like nothing cant hurt us, behind our closed door its all reality.

If God happens to reach down and touch us, that will be a real miracle..

Love ya,

William

[lyn]

Karen, thanks for the prayers. You have always been a sweet, caring 'mother' to us..

William,

I had to sign-off last night too because of too much tears, i was very upset. I cant believe we are all crying together, but it comforts me to know that i am not alone, that we are together on this. Yes, i am so tired acting the 'role play', but i have to do it coz i dont want my mother to worry, i dont want my family to worry about me.

I still cant bring myself to go out with friends. I couldnt pretend acting i am happy when deep inside i am hurting. I know they mean well, but it is so hard when i see all of them together as 'couples', it makes me feel more alone.

It seems we are again falling backwards, but i believe this will pass through. Please hang on, continue to have faith. For me, i believe, we have already been touched by God through this experience. It doesn't make sense now, but i know someday it will.

[WendyJ]

Oh Lyn and William I think we all had a bad night together. I am sorry I had to leave but I could no longer see the keyboard or the screen. Fell asleep in Steve's recliner, forgot my meds and woke up around 3 am and crawled into bed. What a life, this sucks going backwards. I too hate putting on a mask for everyone, making it look like I am fine when I am devastated. The future scares me, will our lives ever seem normal again? Will we ever feel happy again? Will I ever go to work without swollen puffy eyes?

Love,

Wendy

[Stallyn]

What happened to us? all of us just fell down, yes it sure feels like going backwards, or motionless. This role play puts us in a lonely state where it seems nothing around us is affected by us. I hope the future shows us something worth pushing ahead for. Wendy, I forget my meds too, as long as we communicate it keeps us in check. Gosh, this is so painful. take care..

[WendyJ]

William,

I think I know what happened, we were all having a poopy day, and the Holidays coming up are bothering us and I think we all have made such a connection here that when one got upset all three of us followed. Do you realize all 3 of us got off last night 1,2,3 to cry our eyes out? Myself I do not see any relief till June of next year. This is what I have:

November- Thanksgiving and our daughters birthday

December- Christmas

January- New Years and his birthday

February - Valentines Day

March-1 year anniversary of his passing

April- Our anniversary

May- Mine and our other daughters Birthday

I don't get a month off till next summer ! How about you guys ?

Love,

Wendy