Why Is It Getting Harder?

[PattyAnn]

On the 27th of this month my husband will have been gone 5 months. It seems like it's getting harder, not easier as time goes on. Most of the people who have helped now feel I should be "getting on with life". I do...I get up everyday, I tend to our business, I eat properly, I exercise, etc. But the pain I feel of missing my husband seems to be getting worse.

Anyone else have this happen to them. I thought time was supposed to help but I hurt so badly. People tell me that I have my memories of my husband. That's fine, but it doesn't soothe the searing pain of Walter not being here with me. I miss everything about him. The sound of his footsteps, his laugh, his voice....everything.

I keep going no matter what, but I had hoped that there would be some relief from this emotional pain by now.

Thanks for listening.

[DesertBob]

Patty Ann,

Everyone takes grief in their own way. The initial "shock and awe" phase that dominates early on holds the worst of the pain at bay and that can last days or months (at the extreme) and then the really soul-wrenching grief can last weeks or years (at the extremes). In addition, for most people it's more of a spiral than a tidy linear process. In other words the pain comes in waves and you keep cycling through your own personal set of grief responses. When you're in the middle of these transitions it can be very confusing and overwhelming and can seem endless. At times you can seem to be heading backwards rather than forwards. At times in fact you are, but the overall movement is still forward.

If you have the sense it's getting worse overall than you are probably still transitioning from the numbness phase to the heavy grieving phase and while that is the worst part, the good news is that it is the time when generally the most is being accomplished as far as moving you through to some kind of ultimate resolution is concerned. The pain is an expression of your move towards acceptance. It is an unpleasant visitor but ultimately is your friend. Paradoxically, the fact that the process takes time is a mercy, because you have an enormous loss to digest, and you can't take it all at once. So your mind is designed to take it a little at a time.

As to the response of your friends and family, that is also normal. Your husband is more of a loss to you than to anyone else, because you were closest to him, and you were the one who lived with him, and he was much more a part of your daily life and of course more a part of your soul. Naturally, others will "get over it" sooner. Particularly if they haven't personally sustained a loss of this magnitude before, or if they have not handled their loss in a healthy way, they will not understand how hard it's hitting you or how long it's taking. That's why we're here. We understand. Your loss isn't ten or twenty percent more than that of other people in your family and circle of friend's; it's probably ten or twenty TIMES as bad. Of course it's going to take time.

You're going through a rough spot but you're going through it in a way that would not surprise anyone here. You're going to be okay. It's going to be harder and more time consuming than you expected, but not harder and more time consuming than is typical.

Hang in there, and keep sharing your feelings here. We're here for you.

Best,

--Bob

I keep going no matter what, but I had hoped that there would be some relief from this emotional pain by now.

[karenb]

Hi Patty Ann,

You know, everyone's "time" is different and your husband hasn't been gone that long. It's good you're carrying on, that's very healthy, but don't feel as though you "should" be "getting on with life." You are! It's hard for people to understand something they haven't gone through, but I'm sure they mean well. Just keep on doing what you're doing, you're entirely normal and doing just what you should be doing. Don't be hard on yourself. You'll love and miss him for as long as you need and want to. Hang in there. You're doing fine.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Patty,

What happend for me and from what I have heard from other people is this: The first year will be the hardest, what I found was during the first few months or so you are such in shock from the change that you just don't truly fell the full impact of losing your loved one. Around 6 months or so you start coming out of that shock and the pain feels like it is getting worse. For me after 9 to 10 months was when the pain started to get easier to manage. It does get better with time, but that time will probably be later than sooner. It will be 2 years for me this April. I have started living life again and there are only a few times here and there where I step backwards and get into the pain of my loss, usually it is after my 8 year old son does something wrong or something breaks at the house that I get into the "why do I have to do this all byy myself" all in all I get over it pretty quickly and continue to go on. I hope this helps.

Love always

Derek

[PattyAnn]

It just seems sometimes the grief is so tremendous that I feel like I could shatter. Grief for my husband sure has turned out to be different than any other emotions I have ever felt before. I had no idea I could hurt this badly.

It has turned my world upside down and I can't seem to right myself yet.

I appreciate your kind words and wisdom. Thanks everyone! I'll keep trying.

[kayc]

Patty,

As others have said, it is around 5-6 months that shock and denial begin to wear off and reality sets in...people have gone home, the busyness of attending to paperwork and documents and memorial plans, etc., have died down, and now you are left with the everydayness of life..."without" and you find you don't like it. This is one of the hardest stages there is, but once through this, it should get a little better. We are all here for you, what you are going through is something we've been through too.

With love,

KayC

[LarrysGirl]

Patty, grief has its peaks and valleys. Some periods are harder than others but none of it is easy. The sadness and sorrow is what you are going to experience during this time and you just have to go each day with it, let more time pass. Write you feelings here and let some of it out. We listen and care. Deborah

[Dusky]

PattyAnn,

This “easier as time” passes thing is probably true, however for me I was unable to recognize until years had passed that those rough edges of pain had softened. Even at 2 and a half years I still miss so much about Jack. Mostly I miss the lost future - and that creates a great deal of pain. Eventually pain subsides but it does not leave – we become more adapt at recognizing the faces of the pain and in a strange way we set a place at our table for this “thing” we never invited into our lives.

It’s a strange thing – this grief – we have to pass through. Never give up hope – you will find more peace as time passes.

John - Dusky is my handle on here,

Love you Jack

[KathyG]

PattyAnn,

The people who are telling you to "get on with life" don't understand how deep and personal and devastating it is to lose your spouse - yet they probably say that because they mean well and are concerned for you.

What you describe -- that despite those good memories you'll always have, you still miss your loved one's physical presence -- is what I'm feeling too. But I'm starting to realize and trying to accept that no one (not even us ourselves) can set a time limit on grief; the healing process takes as long as each person needs it to, and the levels of pain fluctuate, often unpredictably.

I'm also finding out that grief doesn't move in a straight line, where you go from one step or stage to the next one until you're "done" grieving. It's normal to go one step forward, two steps back, and sometimes you get stuck in a vicious circle of pain and can't get out. But unless you decide to give up, you will get through it eventually. Circumstances always change. So even if you don't feel like you're changing, you are because life only moves forward and sweeps you along with it.

[tessa]

I lost my husband 5 months ago and I feel almost the same as patty ann...thanks to bob and derek for your answers...it helped..

[WendyJ]

Patty Ann,

With me the 5th through the 9th month was the absolute worst ! I think the first 4 months I was in a shock/denial stage and once 5 months came reality started to kick in and my emotions went totally wild. Next month will be one year for myself and I am still hurting more than life and miss him so very very much but it is easier now to get through the days as I feel that after about the nineth month the reality of doing what you have to to survive all alone kicks in. Now like I said that was how it was for me and nobody is the same and I still get my bad and my terrible days and probably will for the rest of my life but they are easier to deal with now. Always remember to do what is best for you and take care of yourself and we are all always here for eachother.

Hugs,

Wendy

[kayc]

Tessa,

I don't remember your posting here before, but I'm glad you have found this site...it has been a lifesaver to us, that safe place where we can come and know someone else understands, where there are others going through the same things.

[PattyAnn]

Thanks for your information. I guess I'm not nuts after all...well, maybe just a little. Yes, I'm having a hard time of it. The few friends I have say I'm doing so much better, when actually I'm not but I just say I'm fine or I'm o.k. because their comments like "be sure to eat, be sure to get some rest, but sure to".....well, you know.

They have my best interests in mind, but I'm tired of being treated like a child (I'm a senior), so it's just easier to say everything is o.k. and skip the platitudes and lectures.

But in private I still hurt so badly. Guess things will be rugged for a lone time to come. Sometimes I wonder if I will have the endurance.

Anyway, thank you for your interesting comments. It does help to know I'm sort of, kind of "normal" in the grieving process.

[tessa]

Thanks KayC, I didn't post here before..I was trying to find some place to express my feelings because my friends can't understand my pain and I feel so alone in this..I miss him so much and sometimes I just don't know what to do, how to deal with it...I have no energy at all, I just want to stay in bed all day long...it is 5 months now since he died and it was a great comfort to hear the words of bob and derek that it will be easier ...now it looks like it has never stop..thanks to all of you..

I am not from your country so sorry about grammar..

[suzanne]

Patty Ann & Tessa

I am so sorry for your losses. No one understands unless they have walked this journey. That's why this is such a warm and caring place to come. We all understand. After 11 months it is still so difficult, I wish this was a nightmare we could all wake up from.

Suzanne

[teny]

HELOW TESSA I do have the same pain and can understand like you IM not from USA Wrere are you from? TENY

[tessa]

hello teny,I'm from croatia ...where are you come from? it is so great for me to find such a site cause people can't understand that pain untill they experience that...and they simply don't know what to say..that's why I wanted to share my feelings with people who do understand and as I can see we all feel the same..it is sometimes so terrible and unbearable...but it is easier to know that is normal and that is a process we have to endure..

thank you suzanne for your kind words..

[teny]

Tessa thank you for replying Im from Athens Greece.I lost my husband 15 months ago its very hard to realise that Im alone .I found in this site alot of caring friends that helpt me with words from their hart.Im afraid that I can not make myself understud beacause I can not handle the languege.TENY

[tessa]

hello teny, I understand you completely, I believe the others aswell..

this topic name is why is getting harder and I would like to say my experience about it...for me , now, after 5 months is the hardest period, I'm in depression , I became aware it was not a nightmare, it was real , he is really gone..and what now? for last 5 days I don't go to work, I can't do anything or see anyone..I just lay down in my bed and stare at TV ...I have a cold but nothing serious, in normal circumstances I would certainly go to work... now I know what is a real depression / not that I wanted to know /, but in some period of my life I thought I had one..but not even close...ok, good news! I discovered I'm not a depressed person..what a relief ( just joking )...

I never can't imagine my life without him..and now my life without him is reality and nothing and nobody can't change it..I always had an answer ..and now...what is the answer now????

I know nobody can give me the one and I know everything i'm going through is normal ..but it so hard that sometimes I think I couldn't handle it..that is a battle between my head and my heart..I loved him so much..and I still love him..

[karenb]

Bless your heart, Tessa. It certainly isn't easy to keep going on. As you said, all the things you're doing and feeling are very normal, but it really doesn't feel normal. Those wonderful souls we made so much part of our lives I feel are still with us in spirit. Just keep on trying to do the best you can, try and remember the wonderful times and put a little smile on your face here and there. I'm sorry for everything you're going through, but I do know that it lessens and we become more comfortable with ourselves. Hang in there and visit here often.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Tessa, I think depression and this overwhelming sense of sadness is a reflection of our love for the one's we've lost. Facing the reality of what has happened is so hard. You will always love him, that doesn't end. Deborah

[Dawn 5421]

Today I had a horrible day. I started crying the moment I woke up and except for a one hour nap I didn't stop. Just the burden of today was too much. I emailed an associate to cancel a meeting and his reply was so sensitive.....I thought I would share.

I know you will get through all this. Some days are going to be worse than others which means some days are going to be better than others. Lets hope tomorrow is better!!

It is a day to day thing for us who gather here, I have to believe that tomorrow is another day. My heart goes out to you, I feel what you are feeling. Not that it makes it any better, just believe what my friend said, some day is going to be better.....

[tessa]

Thank you Karen, Deborah and Dawn...

I know you are all going through the same pain..and it is good to hear some stuff wich help you..for me it is, like Deborah said, my love..I know I had such a love in my life and that is a bless and I'm grateful I had it..and still have in my heart..

today is maybe a better day..I say today because in my country it is 12.41 PM..and last post I wrote late last night..

I wish you all a better day today..