2 Weeks

[Scotty]

Well, tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I lost my wife Kate. I'm trying to take comfort that in the fact that after a year and 1/2 battle with lung cancer, we had a really good year together. She did the radiation and chemo and rebounded remarkably well. She even returned to work. But 4 months ago it had spread to her brain and it was a downhill battle ever since.

Trying to keep busy looking after a 1000 details, but the pain is unbearable.

Time supposedly heals all wounds and I know not enough time has gone by yet to judge, but this idea of going through life just surviving instead of living, not quite sure how to deal with that. One day at a time. Thanks for listening.

Scotty

[Gail_R]

Scotty..Just know that you have come to the right place...each and everyone of us have lost our beloved other halves.We are here for you come and post as much as you like..we will help through this.I know myself without this site I'm not sure that I would have made this last year without mu husband Bruce.I just had my one anniversary without him on Jan20.So come cry scream vent and will listen to you and help. Gail

[dpodesta]

Scotty,

First of all let me welcome you to this site, I wish I had found it as early since my loss as you have. For me those 1000 things that had to be taken care of gave me something to do and keep busy. In fact I did that for most of the first year, I didn't take time to rest and worked myself to the bone. My son was 6 at the time so that was something else that kept me busy. Right now you are so early in this journey and yes, it is hard to imangine just surviving life and not living it. For me after about 9 or 10 months I transitioned into living life again and not just surviving it. FOr now, just keep coming here there are a lot of people here who will be here for you and won't judge you and just concentrate on today. Don't worry about tomorrow (I know this is easier said than done)I found that when I stopped looking at the future and started looking at just today it made it a lot easier.

Love always

Derek

[Lynette]

Scotty,

I want to welcome you to this very compassionate website. I know the people here will help you as they have helped me get through some pretty rough times. My husband, Mike has only been gone from my life for 2 months now and I'm still trying to take care of the 1000 things that have to be taken care of. It keeps me very busy for the most part. Mike was diagnosed with bladder Cancer and we dealt with his illnes for over a year so I know how much pain you and your wife had to endure with the chemo and radiation. What keeps me going and I'm finally starting to smile, is just knowing that my husband is in no pain and no more doctors or nurses are stabbing him daily to get blood or connect him to IV's. Just remember, your wife is in no more pain and she will always love you and be with you in spirit.

Take care,

Lynette

[suzanne]

Scotty

I am sorry for the loss of your wife Kate. Losing one's spouse is one of the most painful experience s life can deal you. One day at a time is all you can do and if that's too much break it down into smaller increments. I remember in those first weeks all I could manage was an hour at a time some days, some days only minutes. This is a very, compassionate place to come to. We all understand what you are going through and will walk with you.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Hi Scotty,

I, too, want to welcome you to this wonderful and compassionate group of people who are going through all the things you have and will go through. I'm sorry about your wife. What has happened is one of the worst things that can happen to us in our lives. We always will love those who've left us for now and remember the wonderful life we did have together for what seems like such a short time. As they say, "It takes time" and that is definately true. It's been 2 1/5 years since my husband died and I'm here to tell you that things really do get better. You just hang in there, talk to us whenever you feel the need - we'll always understand and help where we can. But just talking to those who are going through the same thing as you does help. Hang in there, Scotty.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Karen,

I would like to know how you came up with 2 1/5 years.

Love always

Derek

[Corinne]

Scotty,

Welcome to the site. I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep coming back and posting, it really does help.

Derek,

It is so funny that you asked that, I was thinking the same thing.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[Lynette]

Karen,

I would like to know how you came up with 2 1/5 years.

Love always

Derek

Great catch Derek.. I'm in the accounting field and read Karen's post and

didn't even notice it was 2-1/5 yrs.

Lynette

[DesertBob]

Hi Scotty,

I'm at about 24 weeks. My wife died after a final illness lasting about 5 years. I wish I could tell you that the worst of your greiving is over, but that would almost surely be wrong. However, I've found this forum the single most useful resource through it all, and you will not regret being here and sharing what you're going through. Welcome.

--Bob

[karenb]

Lynette and Derek,

Well, I think I need new glasses or a new brain. I don't know which! I've been making stupid mistakes lately....maybe I just need Spring!

Your friend, Karen

[Scotty]

Thanks everybody for the kind words and replies. A couple we used to hang out with invited me over this afternoon for coffee. Wasn't going to go, but then then thought it would be better than brooding around the house all day. It's not like I had anything better to do. I lasted about an hour before I made a hastily retreat before I turned into a blubbering idiot. Not quite the same visiting friends anymore. No one there to give a flirtatious wink to, or even to smile back at me.

This is going to be a long haul, not sure if I'm up to it or not.

Scotty

[dpodesta]

Scotty,

I had a few times myself when I would be over at someones house and I would turn into a blubbering idiot. That is okay, I am sure they understand. It will take time, and it is good that you got out of the house. It is so easy for us to just close ourselves up in the house and not do anything. Just remember to just think of today, think to yourself, "I can get through today" if that doesn't work, turn the day into hour or even minute if you have to. I am sure you will be fine. Hope to see more of you on this site, it was a life saver many times for me in the begining.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Scotty,

We welcome you to this site and you will find here a caring group of people who have been through it too.

Please expect whatever you experience to be "normal". This is hard at best, but together we can all get through it!

KayC

[DesertBob]

I know how that feels, Scotty. I actually turned to the empty passenger seat to remark on some passing landmark, on the way to my wife's memorial service. The early days are just chock full of such fun firsts, but the good news is, the firsts are the worst. They decrease in frequency and severity.

If you flog yourself to "get out and not mope around the house" you may find that your best early successes will be doing things that you normally do by yourself anyway, or which are completely new to you. These things will not remind you so much of your loss.

Later it's useful in my experience to gradually reintroduce activities you did as a couple, even though it hurts at first. But not now. Too soon for that.

A piece of advice I got from another widower, which I have found very true: "walk it off". I'm up to three miles a day. Simple, mindless physical activity usually helps. Of course that's easy for me to say, here in Arizona. I see you're in the Land of Nanook. Might need to find an indoor mall to orbit.

You are stronger than you think, Scotty. You'll make it. One day at a time.

Best,

--Bob

Thanks everybody for the kind words and replies. A couple we used to hang out with invited me over this afternoon for coffee. Wasn't going to go, but then then thought it would be better than brooding around the house all day. It's not like I had anything better to do. I lasted about an hour before I made a hastily retreat before I turned into a blubbering idiot. Not quite the same visiting friends anymore. No one there to give a flirtatious wink to, or even to smile back at me.

This is going to be a long haul, not sure if I'm up to it or not.

Scotty

[Scotty]

"land of nanook"

Thanks Bob, made me smile, considering this evening I shovelled the driveway. Not that there was much there, just a dusting of fresh snow on top of the frozen stuff. -20 Celsisus, a tad bit chilly but the bit of fresh air and exercise did feel good. In another 6 hours, it will be exactly 2 weeks since I left the hospital for the last time. 04:00 in the morning. Kate had been there a month. New years eve was when the doc had the heart to heart talk with me and explained that everything that could be done had been done and it was time to make her has comfortable as possible and have her die peacefully. He guesstimated a week, she lasted til Jan 10th. She always was good at defying the doctors.

Damn I miss her

Scotty

[dpodesta]

I wish I could have some of that snow, all we usually get down here is ice, in fact we are supposed to have some Friday. However you can keep the -20c. Anyway, I hope you have a good night.

Love always

Derek

[DesertBob]

Scotty,

Yeah my Linda was a fighter, too. She was cut down by illness at 24 and it took her until 54 to die and she never lost her will to live or her creativity to find ways to live within her limitations. Women have a different kind of strength than us guys ... it's like a force of nature. I have no clue how I would cope or keep a good attitude through a tenth of what she endured over the years. Yet somehow she did it. And I have no doubt it will always inspire and inform my own attitudes and behaviors towards whatever I end up having to endure. It certainly puts my minor aches and pains into perspective, if nothing else.

Kate gave you so much ... and you love her for it. That's why it hurts so much. The intense pain means that you loved deeply and well. It's the price you pay for love I guess. It does get better. I can write this stuff and not blubber. That's progress. You'll get there too. I'm not saying you won't always have a big scar ... perhaps the only thing in our power is whether that scar will be ugly or beautiful.

--Bob

[Guest moparlicious]

Scotty,

Welcome aboard to a place where you will find the most wonderful people in the world!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry for your loss. My name is Kim and my soulmate of 20 years died 5 months ago of cancer. He had esophogus (sp???) cancer and it spread to his bile duct, liver, brain and stomach.My husband like your wife,was doing remarkably well(they even called him, their miracle) then suddenly it spread to his brain and it was all downhill from there, even though they say they got it all, it created alot of problems. No more radiation, chemotherapy, doctors, inpatient Hospice(they were great, but 3 months there)NO MORE SUFFERING!!!!! We have 3 children and met in high school, he was 41 years old. I still have days where I am taking care of many things!!! You have come to the right place.We are all here for you to vent, complain, cry ,or whatever. No one here will judge, criticize or put you down for anything. I know what you mean about being with your friends. In the begginning everyone calls and comes over so much, but now only few remain. Some days I do not know how I get through the days, for I miss my Dan with every breathe I take.We are walking this incredibly hard journey together, one minute at a time.Thinking of you.God Bless, Kim

[Scotty]

Woke up again today hoping it was terrrible nightmare, but no, still the same pain in the pit of my stomach. Bitterly cold, ran out to garage/workshop for my morining smoke. Yep, even with Kates death, smoking holds some comfort. I remember Kates doctor telling me that I should quit "cause the same could happen to you". How I wish that would come true.

Kate was an avid gardner and stoneware potter. Her gardens are covered in 2' of snow right now. Don't what the hell I'm supposed to do come Spring. Every year, she always wanted to expand them. I'd dig and till up the earth add fresh soil and she'd plant away with her new finds of perennials. I always thought the bigger the gardens, the less lawn for me to cut :-). The gardens were hers and I did the lawn. The nicer the grass was, the better her gardens looked, and vise versa. I know nothing about flowers.

When she got into pottery, I set her up in my workshop. How the guys at work teased me. "A mans workshop is his domain" etc. I wouldnt of had it any other way.

On days like this, we'd both be out there, her throwing pots on her wheel, and me tinkering with a dozen projects and repair jobs. Some times I'd even complete them :-). I go out there now and her pottery wheel is empty, shelves lined with pots ready to fired in the kiln. Tubs of different glazes with funky names.

Lord how I miss her

Scotty

[dpodesta]

Scotty,

For me it took several months to finally realize it wasn't a nightmare that I would wake up from. There were several times that I dreamed I would come home and she would be on the couch watching TV and I would get mad and ask where the heck she had been. I know what you mean with the smoking deal. I had quit for over 13 years and when Karen died I started smoking again, it helped to calm me, there was also a part of me that wished that it would speed up the time to when I could be with her again. I have an 8 year old son though and I know that I have to remain here to take care of him. I have tinkered wwith the flower garden in the front yard several times and just can't seem to keep things going, like you I don't know what I am doing with them, I just buy something that looks good and plant it and keep it waterted. Sometimes it lives sometimes it doesn't. Anyway, enjoy your smoke and try and stay warm.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Welcome Scotty, I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place, this is a wonderful family here willing to help you as much as we can. When I first came here I was amazed how much this group took me under their wing and helped me. Without this group, I do not think I would have made it this far.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Scotty,

The things you are saying, it is all stuff we've encountered too. What to do with their stuff...constant reminders all around of of the person we miss. Try not to think about the things you don't have to deal with just yet and take one day at a time. Our thoughts are with you.

[Scotty]

Spent most of the afternoon at the vehicle registration office.

We bought a motorcycle in 2001 and spent many miles cruising around the province together. Wasn't sure if she would like it, but being the trooper she was, she fell in love with it. Never drove, she was just content being my co pilot.

For some reason that escapes me, it was registered in both our names.

Spent 40 minutes waiting for my turn to come up at the office so I could have her name removed from the registration. Was suppose to turn her driving license over at the same time, but spent the forty minutes staring at her picture on it. When it was turn to get to the wicket window, I explained that my wife had passed away and what I was there for. The girl promptly looked after all the details and when she was done asked if I wanted to cancel her drivers license too. I sheepishly slid Kates drivers license into my pocket and told her maybe another time and left. Admittly a horrible picture of Kate, but think I'll just keep it in my wallet for a while.

Scotty

[suzanne]

Scotty

Is this something that is required that you have to change registration? The car is still titled in both of our names and I still have Will's drivers license as well as his gun carry permit. I have not notified anyone regarding these issues.

Suzanne