Dawn 5421 Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 I have been lurking on your boards for several days now trying to decide if this is the place for me, it appears that it is.I lost my husband on December 29th. We had just come off a cruise vacation to celebrate his 50th birthday, we were at the airport trying to rent a car for the day, and he died of a heart attack. It was sudden, he had no symptoms, no complaints on or before the trip and generally he was healthy. The events of that day and practically all since are a blur.My life as I know it is over. He was the glue that kept me together. I have been fortunate with family being available to help, but that luxury is drying up soon and I think I need a safe place to scream, cry, yell, whine, maybe laugh, and try to gain some perspective, learn about the process, and most likely complain a bit too.I am having bad days, worse days, and catastrophic days. Yesterday was catastrophic, I cried all day. Today is just bad meaning I got through the day without a major breakdown. I don't know what makes one day different from the last, but I know I have to figure out how to navigate this life without him, and that is going to be very hard. Maybe this will help.Dawn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,First of all let me tell you how saddened I am for your loss, I am glad you have found this site. I am sure it will help you as much as it has helped me. My wife died from a heart attack on April 6 of 2006, we had just arrived at our hotel from the airport while on vacation, she never made it off the bus. Like your husband no previous signs or symptoms. I remember the feeling of not having anything to live for even though I had a son to take care of. I can tell you that you have come to the right place, you can come here and scream, complain and share whatever is on your mind without being judged. There are a lot of people here that will listen and will give advise as to how to get through this if you ask. I wish that you didn't have to go through the circumstances in order for you to find us, however I am glad you have found us.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 DawnWelcome to this site. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and that you had the need to seek out this site but you have found a wonderful place to come. My husband died on March 2, 2007 from a septic infection. I have finally reached the point of only bad days but it took a long time to get there and I am sure there will be times I'll slip back into the darkness of despair. With the help of the people here I have learned how to manage those days and to recognize when they are approaching. I hope we can help you as well. Scream, cry whatever and whenever you need to. We are here to listen and to help you along the journey. We understand.Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynette Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know you will find comfort from this group as I have. It's only been 2-1/2 months for me and I think the reason I am beginning to start having somewhat of a new normal life is because of the friendship I have found from this group. Here you can scream and cry and everyone understands what you are going through. I think everyone here has experienced the same emotions as you have or will be experiencing. Again, welcome to our family, Love, Lynette Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyG Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,It's good to see you here, but I'm so sorry that your dear husband is gone. I lost mine the day before Thanksgiving. Bill had had a heart attack in bed the previous Saturday just as we were waking up, but lived on till the following Wednesday. We'd had a warning (though we didn't know it at the time); a few days before his heart attack, he had a seizure, but then seemed to be OK. I found out later that a blood clot first lodged in his brain (causing the seizure) then broke loose and traveled to his heart.You're right, it is hard to go forward because nothing is the same and everything feels broken. You'll find, too, that at least for awhile the bad, worse, or catastrophic days are unpredictable and don't come in a regular pattern. You never know what might trigger a crying session - it could be something as basic as a TV ad or seeing another couple on the street. Just know that this emotional rollercoaster is normal and tears are healthy and necessary. You'll probably feel some pressure from others, or even yourself, to quickly "get over it and move on," but ignore it. You're having to rebuild your life from ground zero, so feel free to make the process last as long as you need it to - the length of time this takes is different for everyone.Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,Sorry for your terrible, sudden loss. You've come to the right place and you're a very smart and realistic lady. You're actually anticipating your needs. Good for you. You'll find this forum incredibly helpful. Scream away at will.--Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn..I'm so sorry for your loss. I to lost my husband from a heart attack. Like you he had no symptoms. We were out curling with our kids one minute is was talking and laughing the next he was gone. He was only 53..and that was one year on Jan 20. You are so right that life will never be the same. But I guess we learn to live with this new life we have be give..someday's will be like you are living in hell and other will be better. Just know that you have come to the right place..we have all gone through this and are still going through it. The one good thing that I did was to come to this site because without these people I know that I would not have come this far. Take care of yourself and come to see us as much as you need and we will be here to help. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn I am so sorry for your loss of your husband, you certainly have come to the right family for help as that is what we are...family here. We all understand what the others are going thru and offer our love and support as like you, each one of us is hurting so badly and miss our soulmates terribly. For the women especially we are so scared and feel so vulnerable but each one of us is slowly making it and so will you. I lost my Husband on March 7th 2007 of a blot clot that went to his heart. So suddenly also, no warning just here one minute and then ripped from my life forever, he would have been 53 today, as it is his birthday. Take care of yourself and write as often as you like, we are here for you !Love,Wendy HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Wendy,My thoughts and prayers will be with you today, I remember the first time I went through Karen's birthday, it was hard for me. You have a good day.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawn 5421 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Thank you all for the huge welcome. I have been feeling a bit like E.T. walking around this strange place where nobody is quite like me, nor do they understand me. It is nice to find a community as accepting as you. I have a question...What is the answer to "how are you?" I want to scream every time I am asked that..."How do you think I am?", instead the proverbial OK comes out, I then spend the rest of the conversation trying to explain OK. Ok is not what it was before, Ok, really is not good, Ok quite honestly is not really OK! I can't even put into words how I am...I just am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,Most of the time I answered "ok" or "just surviving". I usually didn't have to go into more detail than that, nor did I want to. For me I was very sucidal at the begining so I didn't want people to know how I was really feeling. There were some friends in my life however who didn't let me get away with the "Ok" answer and would ask me how I was really doing. While I never mentioned that I wanted to take my life, somehow they knew and by them persisting on how I was actually doing I believe it help me to get through it all. I know that it is difficult when someone asks you how you are doing, I try to look at it as I would me more upset if they didn't ask and am thankful that someone cares enough to ask even if they don't want the full story.Love alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn, dear ~ You might find this article helpful:Mourning: Answering the Question, How Are You? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to this site of caring and compassionate people. As to my response to "How are you?" in the beginning my response was normally "I'm here." People usally did not know how to reply to that so they kind of left it alone.Hugs & prayers, Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,You have indeed found the right site to go through this loss with you. I am sorry you lost your husband, my husband George died of a heart attack the same week as his 51st birthday and I didn't expect it either.You will find this journey different than any other you have been on with all of its ups and downs. Expect that you will feel anything and everything and all of it normal. We will be here as you cry and scream and will also share in your tiny baby steps of progress. You will get through this as we are, together, one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpodesta Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Marty,I like that article, a long time ago we had a saying of what "fine" stood for and for those that are in the grief process it really fits.F-Screwed up (I decided to keep it clean)I-InsecureN-NeuroticE-EmotionsLove alwaysDerek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn,I think "How are you?" is a stupid question to ask of someone who just lost their spouse! You want to say, "How the hell do you THINK I am?!"...but of course, you can't. The people that ask are meaning well and may genuinely care. Sometimes we in our society don't know what to say and we say inappropriate things. Forgiveness is needed when that happens. There are many stages of grief, one of which is anger, which is a place we've all been. I hope I didn't offend anyone who asked me stupid questions, but it's hard to remember everything when so much of that time was a blur. I remember going to church a couple of weeks after George died and crying (he was always with me at church so I felt the absence of him) and a woman came up to me and said, "You CAN'T love George more than Jesus!" to which I replied, "George is the one who died, not Jesus!" The pastor overheard and conferred with my reply. This lady is a caring person, but she hasn't been through this and until she does, she won't know what it's like. I've had people tell me I needed to "trust God" (inferring my mourning was a lack of trust?) and I just chalk it up to their ignorance, which actually reflects an unbiblical response. The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep...that ought to tell us how we should respond to each other. Most of our friends disappeared when George died, but a true friend will put their arm around you and weep with you. They will be there in the middle of the night for you to call. They will help you do the tasks that overwhelm you or for which you feel ill-suited. They will be there when you are ready to tackle the things that are difficult. In lieu of such friends as that, I have found friends here on this site that have been there for me to pour my heart out to, they have given advice, they have listened, they have cared, they have encouraged, and they have inspired me. And I have determined that now that I know what it feels like, I will BE a friend to others that I needed/wanted/lacked. I want to be the one that puts my arm around another in their time of need...that is what this experience has brought me.There will be times you will answer "okay", or "fine" but with your real friends or family members, I think it's okay to give them a more truthful answer. I try to keep some degree of humor about life and it's problems too, it's my dad's legacy to me, I have warped humor from him, but one of my answers has been "life sucks and then you die!" But I save that for people who truly know me and love me anyway. We wish you well, you will find your way, and hopefully, here, you will find those that you can relate to, and definitely those who care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Dawn, welcome to this family of wonderful hurting people. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Its very very hard. I also wanted to scream when people asked how I was.... HOW DO YOU THINK I AM????????????????? Larry is gone, my life is gone, my dreams and my future with him are gone! I actually couldn't answer just okay. It wasn't in my nature. I'd say things like I'm suffering, I don't want to be here, I want to go with him... and I could see their faces grimace and then try to change the subject. I'm not blaming them for asking but what the hell do you say to that question!!! I still don't answer that question very well but I do say how I feel because I just have too!! I hope you will keep writing and letting your feelings out here. There is plenty of understanding and sharing everyday. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Dawn,I usually say "hanging in there" which implies that I'm still dealing with a process without being more specific than the questioner generally wants. They are usually looking for a "free pass" because they have no idea how to console you or what you need anyway. Sometimes I think they are also testing the waters to see what your mood is like so that if you look weepy they can head for the hills.The article Marty posted a link to also suggests "I'm coping" which is in the same ballpark.Something within me doesn't like the basic superficiality and dishonesty of saying that I'm OK when I'm not, but I recognize that most people asking this question just don't have a clue and don't really want an answer. So my response is a way of being truthful without being specific. It's also a way of not quite letting them off the hook, and allowing them to mentally classify you as "back to normal".For what it's worth.--BobI have a question...What is the answer to "how are you?" I want to scream every time I am asked that..."How do you think I am?", instead the proverbial OK comes out, I then spend the rest of the conversation trying to explain OK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyG Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 I've also had people ask me, "How well do you think you're holding up?"My standard reply to that is "About as well as can be expected."I also get, "I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes." My response: "No, and I hope you never have to." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Wendy,My thoughts and prayers will be with you today, I remember the first time I went through Karen's birthday, it was hard for me. You have a good day.Love alwaysDerekThank You Derek, it has been a very emotional day but I am getting thru it! Love,Wendy Kathy I agree with you when asked how I am doing I always say " As well as can be expected" or "Taking each day one at a time". I never say OK because March 7th is one year and I am still not OK and don't expect to be for a long time.Bob I use that one too "Hanging in there "Love,WendyKay did you go to the doctor???Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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