Feeling Down Today

[Gail_R]

Hi Everyone..Just finished staining my rail in my kitchen.Soaked in the tub and had myself a big cry. I miss Bruce so much. It hurts when I do things that we have talked about doing for long and he is not here to see the things that I have done. We as a couple have taken such proud in our home. Since he is gone I have painted some rooms and have redone my kitchen...wish with all my heart that here was here to see everything that I have done. So everyone I'm just having myself a little pity party. I guess you could say that I am having a BLUE DAY..been having a few of them this last week and sure why. Thanks wveryone for being here for me this last few weeks/ Gail

[KathyG]

Gail,

I'm sorry you're sad today. Nothing wrong with having blue days - we all do, and that's why it's so good that we have this place to come to and share with those who understand.

I was just talking with another recently-widowed friend about this very subject: how hurtful and lonely it feels when you carry out plans you and your spouse hoped to complete together. Tracy has just finished some home remodeling her husband had started before he was killed, and I'm trying to do some of the home fixups Bill and I always talked about doing, but didn't have the money to tackle after he became disabled and couldn't work.

I'm sure Bruce is proud of you for showing the guts and initiative to fix up the house on your own, just as my Bill and Tracy's Dan are of us. I believe our spouses still watch over us, cheer us on, and rejoice in our achievements. Bruce would be glad you're moving forward, difficult though it is. He'd be happy to see you living in surroundings that are as nice as you can make them, because while he was in this world I'll bet he wanted the very best for you.

In a way, I see going ahead with our remodeling projects as another way to memorialize our spouses and honor their wishes. Sometimes I ask myself why it matters, why I shouldn't just leave the house as it is. But working on it makes me feel better.

[WendyJ]

Gail my dear dear friend, I should have known you were feeling blue today as so am I and we always seem to be in sinc with eachother. Good for you with those projects, I am proud of you ! My problem is I am getting depressed over the little things that I need done that Steve would have taken care of that I can't do. Like changing flood lights high up outside, and replacing locks on doors etc. My brother in law is not an option as he makes promises and never keeps them so who do I call? I don't want to bother people that I work with, and they are simple projects that I don't want to pay someone to do that I don't know. It is just getting me down, yes Gail it is a blue day... I agree.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Hey, I am impressed with you guys! I think it's a great accomplishment just getting the dust bunnies chased around, and shoveling the snow, and all the little things I have to do! I can't imagine taking on remodeling and stuff I don't know anything about!

[Scotty]

I know what your talking about, Gail. I have all this time off work, a thousand projects we wanted to get done around the house, and I find myself sitting here without the ambition to do anything. Nobody around to give me the pat on the back if I do a good job. I feel good that at least I got this washing machine thing figured out. Never realised how much of a spoiled brat I was. Although tongue in cheek she told me often enough. Someday I'll get started.

Painting, staining and redoing the kitchen, now thats something to be proud of.

Take care

Scotty

[Gail_R]

Thanks everyone for your reply's. Think that I'm so hard on myself because I want everything to look nice...Bruce use to say to me..Gail you did a good job didn't matter what I did to the house he was always proud of me. I miss him saying that he is proud of me..I miss him being here with me.oh god here I go again with the tears.Must be just one of those day's.Thanks again guy's for being here for me yet again. Gail

[WendyJ]

Gail now you got me started, I miss that pat on the back also. All I had to do was rearrange a room and he would tell me how nice it looked, now I am lucky if I can get all my laundry done or mop my floors, just not like me. I just have nobody to impress anymore. You know I don't know what is going on with me because I never blamed Steve for dying, it was not expected but for some stupid reason lately I feel almost mad at him for leaving me all alone and scared and helpless. I wonder if after he got to heaven if he had a choice to stay or come back and he elected to stay. Does anyone else think of those things? Does it seem normal to feel anger after almost 11 months have passed?

Love,

Wendy

[Dawn 5421]

Wendy,

They say that anger is one of the many steps of grieving. Everybody does it in their own time and in their own way, but it is a step we supposedly must all go through.

I'm with you, though my loss much more recent, in not blaming Manny (my hubby) for dying. I don't want to be mad at him, but everyone says I will get there as a part of the healing process. Right now I am just saving my anger for my sisters whose thoughts and actions are all well intentioned, but seem so inappropriate to me. I was hoping that this anger I have had for the last few days would satisfy this "step" but your post is proving to me that it will not.

I am sorry that you are going through this, hang in there, today is another day....

Dawn

[DesertBob]

Wendy,

They say that women tend to experience the loss of a spouse as an abandonment (whereas we men tend to experience it as a dismemberment). So what you're describing sounds perfectly normal to me.

When Kubler-Ross came up with the stages of dying (denial, anger, bargaining, etc) I'm not sure she realized at the time that she was really coming up with responses that apply to any grief or loss. Realizing you're going to die is just another form of grief. In fact it's very similar to what we're experiencing -- the only difference being, whose life is being lost.

I conceive anger as a response to feeling violated because something that's yours is being taken from you (your life, your spouse, whatever). This anger has to find a locus -- a "throat to choke". Thus people get angry at God, or life, or themselves, or the person they've lost. It doesn't have to be rational, though I think it generally tries to be, by attaching itself to the the most emotionally plausible target that's available.

Linda had periods of anger in her final illness because life was very precious to her, and it was being taken from her in the rudest possible way. As her sole caregiver, sometimes that anger focused on me because it had no place better or more satisfying to go. I accept and understand that. I'm sure that Steve can do the same for you now.

In some ways it'd be better if there was some entity -- a murderer or drunk driver perhaps -- that really was at fault, but even then, you would have to find forgiveness and acceptance, so it wouldn't really help and in some ways it'd be a hindrance. I'm not sure which is harder -- to forgive a specific offender for an actual wrong that costs you horribly, or to accept a horrible wrong that's no one's fault. Perhaps the only difference is that the target of the anger seems more logical when it falls upon an actual guilty party.

Anyway ... you'll get there. It's normal. It's even progress, of a sort.

Hang in there,

--Bob

You know I don't know what is going on with me because I never blamed Steve for dying, it was not expected but for some stupid reason lately I feel almost mad at him for leaving me all alone and scared and helpless.

[WendyJ]

Thanks Bob for your reply, I feel so guilty putting any blame on Steve, he was the most caring person I knew who I know in my heart would never leave his family if given the chance. He always put everyone before himself so why I would even think that is beyond me. It is amazing when you are grieving how many different emotions emerge. You are very right, I do feel violated as my husband, my life, my security and my dreams were torn away from me in a matter of minutes ! I went from a home filled with love and fun and security to....well...just me....all alone and vulnerable! I just can't stop worrying about things that could happen but haven't, it's just me. I try to take one day at a time but I have always been this way, I think ahead to things like will someone cut the lawn for me this summer and what if my hot water heater breaks etc. How do I control that?

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Wendy

I'm glad to know I'm not the only who has already started fretting about someone to cut the yard. My power went out last night for about 2 hours and I wandered aimlessly around with my one flashlight wondering what I was going to do about that. As if I had any control over it, so if you figure out a way to contol the worry please let me know. I can conjure up more "what ifs". I had myself in a frenzy this morning because I had to reset all the clocks by myself, talk on the news about black ice, worry about the roads. I don't even know how I had enough sense to get to work this morning but I made it. All the worrying about everything didn't do a thing but get me tied up in knots, yet I do it anyway. Thinking all the while, now Will would know what to do and muttering to myself like an idiot what to do, what to do.

Suzanne

[kayc]

Sometimes anger focuses most on the one that is safest to be angry with. In other words, we can't be angry with a client, but our families "have" to love us and we feel safest with them, so it's more common to display it to them...same with God. You're right, Bob, anger doesn't have to be rational or make sense, it is a feeling that just is. Thank God it usually passes.

[DesertBob]

I'm probably not the best person to ask because I've never had much trouble with worry or anxiety. If anything I'm too far the other way sometimes. However, you mention things like cutting the lawn and household malfunctions that are no more of a problem now than they were before your husband died, except for ... what? The fact that now you're 100% responsible? So are you really afraid the grass won't get cut or the water heater won't get fixed or are you just afraid you can't handle it?

What's the worst thing that can possibly happen if the grass needs cutting? You'll have to find someone to cut it? Is that going to kill you? I doubt it. What's the worst thing that can possibly happen if the water heater breaks down? You'll be without hot water for a day or so while you find someone to fix it? Or are you worried it will burst and flood the house? If the latter, why not call someone and put in a drain pan before that happens?

I mean, none of that stuff is either life threatening or rocket science, so it is possible that someone someplace in your past told or taught you that you're not competent to take care of yourself. If you're stuck there, then therapy would be something to think about.

On the other hand maybe all that's really bothering you is that doing all these things without Steve's validation / vetting / encouragement, and doing some of these things that he probably just took care of, will remind you more of his absence and reignite your grief feelings. That is probably present whether or not you have deeper issues. It feels like moving on whether you want to or not. Because it is.

I have those issues ... Linda did the taxes. I know how to do them, but she (perversely in my opinion) loved it and I detest it. The combination of doing it myself and the fact that I'd rather not do it means I either have to suffer through it or hire it out (which has its own problems). There are decisions about upkeep on the house and yard including, do I keep it up to her standards or just up to mine? The thousand questions ... you just have to work through them one by one.

--Bob

You are very right, I do feel violated as my husband, my life, my security and my dreams were torn away from me in a matter of minutes ! I went from a home filled with love and fun and security to....well...just me....all alone and vulnerable! I just can't stop worrying about things that could happen but haven't, it's just me. I try to take one day at a time but I have always been this way, I think ahead to things like will someone cut the lawn for me this summer and what if my hot water heater breaks etc. How do I control that?

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

I have been researching Anxiety and how to control it...there is a lot of information on line. What I found out is I have General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It means I worry about things that might not happen, I give greater credence to things than they merit, I am compulsive about things, uptight, overreact. Losing a spouse and living alone give me a lot of things I can worry about. One of those things was when I learned that the floor under the hot water tank was rotted out. Fortunately, I didn't realize just how bad it was until it was fixed. My son and husband took it out and my son put in new flooring (double strength this time) and between the two of them, they got it hooked up. Those are the things that can really worry us women because we either don't have the know-how or the physical strength to lift things...in my case, neither. However, sometimes there is a man in the church, a neighbor, a relative, or a handyman listed in the paper you can call for help. It's hard to ask for help when we're not used to it and like to be self-sufficient, but we need to sometimes. Sometimes we can find something we can do to repay them if we do not have money. I remember when my mother-in-law died, I did my father-in-law's sewing, hemmed his pants, replaced zippers, etc. I'd also go by his house and get some of his Gravenstein apples from his tree and make him pies. I cleaned his house the first month too as he was overwhelmed and then hooked him up with an inexpensive housekeeper he could employ. It is those little things that mean a lot. I am unable to split and chop wood, but I can get it delivered that way and I am capable of stacking it myself. It's a huge adjustment when you figure that half the things that got done around a place we are trying to absorb at a time when we feel less inclined to than ever and without their encouragement or pats on the back. It does get better in time with adjusting.

Also, I started on a Rx, Buspirone, that is safe and doesn't seem to have the side effects that others do, it helps control the anxiety without leaving me numb or robotic, I don't notice I'm even on something except the anxiety is gone.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

The following just came to me via e-mail (embedded in the Winter 2008 ELetter from Wings ~ A Grief Education Ministry, and it seems to fit the topic under discussion:

Be Good to Yourself — A Care Tip

When you need help, ask.

Sometimes we hesitate to ask for help

because we feel others' lives are too busy.

We think we are imposing on their time and good nature

and would rather do it ourselves than inconvenience someone.

But the greatest compliment you can pay someone

is to ask for their assistance.

Trust that if they are unable to provide it,

they will explain why.

But don’t be afraid to ask again

under different circumstances.

~ Nan & Gary Zastrow, Co-Founders

Wings--a Grief Education Ministry

P. O. Box 1051

Wausau, WI 54402-1051

Phone or FAX (715) 845-3424

Website: www.wingsgrief.org

[WendyJ]

Quote from Bob:

I mean, none of that stuff is either life threatening or rocket science, so it is possible that someone someplace in your past told or taught you that you're not competent to take care of yourself. If you're stuck there, then therapy would be something to think about.

Bob, nobody in my past ever told me I wasn't competent to take care of things myself and I don't need therapy thank you. I don't think you can compare you not liking to do your taxes and that your wife did them to the fact that us women feel very vulnerable not having our husbands around to take care of things that we either can not do or do not know how to do. WIthout Steve's income now I am also trying to maintain this house on just my salary which is not easy, so to just pay someone to do everything is not an option either, I have to be careful with that. I also have COPD which is a lung disease which prevents me from doing alot of things I would like to. So even though I have always enjoyed your posts and appreciate them I am alittle upset on what you said here.

Wendy

[DesertBob]

I'm terribly sorry, Wendy. I meant no disrespect. I have a sometimes regrettable tendency to theorize and brainstorm when I should just put a sock in it.

I don't actually have any idea which of the two things I mentioned might be true of you. Nor do I assume that either of them are true. Nor would I think the less of you if either or both were true. For example, brave and smart people get themselves unstuck when they're stuck, via therapy, counseling or whatever works. It has no stigma for me. Sometimes I forget that often in society it does.

I am sorry to hear that you must deal with COPD on top of everything else. I know more first hand than some how illness like that sucks the life force out of a person. And you need the strength now.

Peace, Wendy, and I'll try not to blather so much next time.

Best,

--Bob

Bob, nobody in my past ever told me I wasn't competent to take care of things myself and I don't need therapy thank you. I don't think you can compare you not liking to do your taxes and that your wife did them to the fact that us women feel very vulnerable not having our husbands around to take care of things that we either can not do or do not know how to do. WIthout Steve's income now I am also trying to maintain this house on just my salary which is not easy, so to just pay someone to do everything is not an option either, I have to be careful with that. I also have COPD which is a lung disease which prevents me from doing alot of things I would like to. So even though I have always enjoyed your posts and appreciate them I am alittle upset on what you said here.

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Wendy my dear, I definitely know what you are experiencing, but remember not to worry too much now, even with the amount of responsibility and pressure, you are doing great, if you feel anxious, do something that will relax you. With the house, it wont fall apart, and if something breaks, I can search for you a volunteer that helps people out, but nothing is too big, I have more responsibility for everything now, it is overwhelming, but to think, it will pan out, God and Steve are with you always,

Love & Hugs,

William

[Dawn 5421]

Hi Wendy,

I am so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. This whole experience just sucks. I think I know how you feel....it is not that you can't do it, it is not that you won't figure it out, it is not that you are not capable....but gosh darn it wasn't it easier when your loved one was there to consult with, reinforce any decision you made, just the nod of the head or the glint in a eye made you feel better about anything you did.

I just miss the okay signal. The signal that says what ever you are doing right now is good. I just want the reassurance that today, this moment, you and I agree. That is what I miss the agreement. I have said this for years, the reason Manny and I had the relationship we had was because we reached agreement on the things that mattered to us. Now there is no agreement, there is only me, right or wrong nobody will tell me...or if they do will I trust them like I trusted him? I am so scared of making any decisions....almost parallelized.

I don't know you, but what I know is that you will make it work. The lawn will be mowed, the hot water heater will be fixed and you will make any and all decisions you need too. How do I know? Well because unfortunately this is how our lives have happened and you are still here, and your life and mine will go on and we need to make it work. For them, for us, for peace of mind...we will make it work. It still sucks.

Dawn

[WendyJ]

William, Kay, Suzanne and Dawn thanks so much for your kind words and valuable reassurance that all will work out. I feel I have to explain better why what Bob said bothered me so much. When a man or a woman loses a spouse regardless of their sex the blow is horrific and each situation is different as far as if there are young children left etc and everyone grieves in their own way and no two people will grieve the same. But it bothers the heck out of me when someone makes it sound like it is just as easy for the woman to get by on their own as the man, and by this I mean physically not mentally.

Scenario: A man loses his wife, no young children left in the nest. His wife has always done the cooking and the cleaning etc. and he just had to go to work and come home and take care of the house. Can he survive without her? Yes he can. He doesn't know how to cook but does it as Bob worded it take a rocket scientist to know how to slap some peanut butter on some bread, or open a can of spaghettios or stop at the local dinner? No. Lets say he doesn't know how to do laundry, can he get on the phone with his mom or sister or friend and ask where do I put the detergent and what temperature do I put it on? Yes. Does it take a rocket scientist? No.

Scenario: A woman loses her husband, no young children left in the nest. Her husband has always done all the fixing around the house and the major projects and the maintenance of the cars while the wife also worked and tended to the children. Is is as easy to repair these things around the house as slapping peanut butter on some bread or making a phone call? No. Could I call up William for instance and say can you talk me through replacing a hot water heater and it being as easy as instructions to doing a load of laundry? No. Does it take a rocket scientist? To us women it does! Could I call up William again and say I just lost my exhaust could you talk me through replacing my exhaust? No. Could I pay someone to do all these things? Well considering I am out $2000.00 a month without Steve most likely no or I could but pray that nothing else goes wrong this month as it will cost me an arm and a leg. Now because of this does it mean that in my past a person told me I was incompetent to do these things or that I need therapy? No.

Bob I hold nothing against you for saying these things and the last thing I want to do is start any trouble here as I love everyone here and that is not what we are here for. I don't know what I would do without all my family here and I do enjoy reading your posts and your wisdom and your writing ability amazes me. But please be careful what you say sometimes as just because some of us women worry about these things does not mean there is something wrong with us. Women will worry about if something breaks but do you think men will panic thinking oh my goodness what will I do if I get hungry or my clothes get dirty? I don't think so. And again I am not talking about the stress of a man having to raise young children by himself or any ones emotional stress as that is something else entirely. I wish I could do some of the things that Steve did, and I know some women can, but there were always other things to be done that I needed to do and I never thought at the time I better watch him do this in case I have to do it myself someday. Life just never turns out like we planned.

Love,

Wendy

[Corinne]

Wendy,

I completely understand what you are talking about when you say physical strength. I am very mechanically inclined and I have taught myself to fix many things over the years mainly because of the fact that I was tired of people charging me way too much and then doing things half---. I can fix just about anything but my problem is that I do not have the hand strength a lot of times to loosen a nut that has been tightened way too much and things like this so I am now going to have to pay an arm and a leg for someone else to it for me and that just irritates the heck out of me. Also, unfortunately a lot of men will not let their wives cut the grass or repair things and that is sad because they may end up in our situation some day. Please know that we do understand what you mean and that we are right there with you.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[WendyJ]

Corinne that is wonderful that you can do alot of those things ! You go girl ! I have a disadvantage though as I have COPD and sometimes just doing the little things makes me so winded. That is because of my many years of smoking before I quit and top that with a couple bad bouts of broncitis that helped to do damage to my lungs. I used to be a very active person, even ran track in High School and even though now I have the drive to want to do these things alot of them I can't. Maybe some of us women should start weight lifting? LOL

Love you my friend,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Wendy

I so understand what you mean. Like you, I never paid that much attention when Will would repair things around the house nor did he ask me to in the event I would out live him. It is very diffucult to maintain a home and the necessary upkeep by yourself when you don't possess the skills or physical strength plus working on a limited amount of energy to just get though day to day. These things aren't like following a recipe for a new dish where if you mess you can throw away the ingredients and start over. Maybe be out 10 bucks or so. I had to pay someone $45.00 just to replace a light switch that maybe cost $3.00. But I'm no electrician, so do I take the chance of getting shocked, hooking it up wrong and maybe causing a fire later on or pay someone qualified? We just have to do the best we can. Take one hurdle at a time and pat ourselves on the back when we accomplish it. Hang in there.

Corrine

I am so proud you have the skills to manage some of your own repairs. I hope in the future I can learn to do likewise.

Suzanne

[Gail_R]

Wendy I'm very lucky my mom and dad just moved back to our neck of the woods and if I have any problems dad comes right over. I also have my boy's to help me and my sister ...she can do anything a man can do and more at her house she does all the fixing. But like you we all get tired of calling someone to come and help and to hire all the work out we just can not afford it. Bruce was handing in the BARN but use to tell me thatsome of the tuff inthe house he did not like to do or did not have the time to do...so I would call my sister and she would come and help me. It's funny how the little things that our husbands did I guess we just did not notice and now with having to do them ourselves we say to ourselves hey Bruce did that and know I have to figure out how to did this myself. Well Wendy just thought that would let you know most of us are the same... Gail

[WendyJ]

Gail you are very lucky ! My step-father lives in Florida and I have no sons or brothers and do have a brother in law but getting him to even do stuff for my sister is a feat in itself. I have a son in law but that is on paper only ! LOL I am not sure if he could even cut my lawn ! Having relatives to help you is such a help, I would ask some of the guys here at work but they leave here and they are tired and want to go home to their families and take care of their own odd jobs and most live in the opposite direction of me anyway. I just don't want to start anything like that.

Love,

Wendy