Lily Posted March 23, 2008 Report Share Posted March 23, 2008 I can never remember the right words to a song butI always thought JohnyCash's song was "on a lonely sunday sidewalk, lord I wish that I were dead"....and if those aren't the words, that's how I feel....it's easter sunday and i took by dog for a long walk and ride and the streets and sidewalks are all deserted...and those words ran through my head ....I'mso much in pain that I can't see how I can live with this...it's getting worsefor me not better...I want him back so badly and I know that can't be and thatjust seems as though my heart is breaking in thousands and thousands of piecesevery day...other than all of you here, I don't have a support group...whenI go out to a dinner or for a ride I can put on a "face" but inside I'm cryingfor him....I miss him so much, so so much...and I really can't see it gettingbetter for me....I just can't....he was everything to me...the other day, I heard someone on tv I think describe 3 kinds of friends - Inner - Outer andbehind the veil....he said the inner are those you know by name, are cordial and nice to...these are acquaintances. the Outer are those that come to your house, go out to dinner couple times, you call every now and then/ you know the names of their kids....The BEHIND THE VEIL - you could have 2 - at the most!!!! YOU ARE BLESSED IF YOU HAVE ONE. tHESE ARE THE ONES YOU INVITETO HOLD YOUR HEART/ THEY CAN HURT YOU IF THEY DESIRE/ YOU SHARE PARTS OFYOURSELF THAT INNER AND OUTER FRIENDS ARE NOT PRIVILEGED TO KNOW. Youcan call these friends at 2 a.m. and they'll be there for you. Rich was my behind the veil friend. And from reading all of theseletters I know that your losses were also the same....and I don't believethat anyone can understand the pain and grief unless they have sufferedthe loss of someone so much a part of your own being. I can't cry whenI'm with others because I can sense it makes them uncomfortable if it evenseems that I might cry and the subject is changed and so I have to listento what other subject makes everyone comfortable...I don't think I'm beinga cry baby or pity me person....it's just that I want someone to help me sobadly and there is no one....I cry for Rich I cry for God and I don't thinkthey can help me because I know that if Rich could, he would....and certainlyGod can make a go of it....I'm just so tired and so lonely and so alone...I don't know what else to do....I can putter around the house, pay bills,make calls, etc....but I can not have a moment of quiet peace....I usedto read read read...couldn't wait until I got home from the bookstores...and I can't concentrate now beyond a sentence or two....I thought that if Icould get interested in reading again, I would be able to get absorbed inwhatever book I was reading ...and that might give me some relief...but Itry and try and can't...someone gave me the name of a counselor, but I'mafraid I'm defeating that before I go because I can't imagine how the counselor can help....or how can meds help...the other day I was listening to Robert Morrison "going home" gospel song? He is so powerful in hisrendition, but rather then be blessed with serenity....I wanted to die andbe with all those who are waiting for me over there....my god....I hope thisdoesn't make anyone feel worse - this seems so full of despair...but I haveno where else to go and really no one else to talk with. Thank you - allof you - I read as many of your letters as I can and sit here and cry and wish I could hold each and everyone who is in so much pain and help the paingo away....Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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