Lonely Sunday Sidewalk

[Lily]

I can never remember the right words to a song butI always thought Johny

Cash's song was "on a lonely sunday sidewalk, lord I wish that I were dead"....and if those aren't the words, that's how I feel....it's easter sunday and i took by dog for a long walk and ride and the streets and sidewalks are all deserted...and those words ran through my head ....I'm

so much in pain that I can't see how I can live with this...it's getting worse

for me not better...I want him back so badly and I know that can't be and that

just seems as though my heart is breaking in thousands and thousands of pieces

every day...other than all of you here, I don't have a support group...when

I go out to a dinner or for a ride I can put on a "face" but inside I'm crying

for him....I miss him so much, so so much...and I really can't see it getting

better for me....I just can't....he was everything to me...the other day, I

heard someone on tv I think describe 3 kinds of friends - Inner - Outer and

behind the veil....he said the inner are those you know by name, are cordial and nice to...these are acquaintances. the Outer are those that come to your house, go out to dinner couple times, you call every now and then/ you

know the names of their kids....The BEHIND THE VEIL - you could have 2 - at

the most!!!! YOU ARE BLESSED IF YOU HAVE ONE. tHESE ARE THE ONES YOU INVITE

TO HOLD YOUR HEART/ THEY CAN HURT YOU IF THEY DESIRE/ YOU SHARE PARTS OF

YOURSELF THAT INNER AND OUTER FRIENDS ARE NOT PRIVILEGED TO KNOW. You

can call these friends at 2 a.m. and they'll be there for you.

Rich was my behind the veil friend. And from reading all of these

letters I know that your losses were also the same....and I don't believe

that anyone can understand the pain and grief unless they have suffered

the loss of someone so much a part of your own being. I can't cry when

I'm with others because I can sense it makes them uncomfortable if it even

seems that I might cry and the subject is changed and so I have to listen

to what other subject makes everyone comfortable...I don't think I'm being

a cry baby or pity me person....it's just that I want someone to help me so

badly and there is no one....I cry for Rich I cry for God and I don't think

they can help me because I know that if Rich could, he would....and certainly

God can make a go of it....I'm just so tired and so lonely and so alone...

I don't know what else to do....I can putter around the house, pay bills,

make calls, etc....but I can not have a moment of quiet peace....I used

to read read read...couldn't wait until I got home from the bookstores...

and I can't concentrate now beyond a sentence or two....I thought that if I

could get interested in reading again, I would be able to get absorbed in

whatever book I was reading ...and that might give me some relief...but I

try and try and can't...someone gave me the name of a counselor, but I'm

afraid I'm defeating that before I go because I can't imagine how the counselor can help....or how can meds help...the other day I was listening

to Robert Morrison "going home" gospel song? He is so powerful in his

rendition, but rather then be blessed with serenity....I wanted to die and

be with all those who are waiting for me over there....my god....I hope this

doesn't make anyone feel worse - this seems so full of despair...but I have

no where else to go and really no one else to talk with. Thank you - all

of you - I read as many of your letters as I can and sit here and cry and

wish I could hold each and everyone who is in so much pain and help the pain

go away....Lily

[PattyAnn]

Oh, Dear Lily,

I'm so sorry you are hurting so. It's been a long day for me as well and I don't have support either, so I know the loneliness and despair. It feels like the whole world celebrates while we are alone and feeling so lost without our beloved husbands.

I don't have the answers. I just keep pushing through each day. I try to plan each day the night before. I rarely follow the plan but I try to have some structure to each day.

Sometimes I just say, "I'll just get through this next minute". Sometimes I even say out loud, "I need help, I need assistance". It's funny...sometimes the phone will ring after that...or an idea will pop into my head of what to do next. But it is a moment by moment struggle.

I just have to go on hope and faith that each day will bring me closer to some kind of peace.

Please know that I care about your pain. Thanks for posting. It's good that you our so open and honest about your feeling. We all want to help you! Believe it or not, sometimes helping someone actually helps us help ourselves in the process.

Sending healing thoughts your way...

Pat

[suzanne]

Lily

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I know how you feel. It is so very lonely and something that only our beloveds can fill except they are no longer physically with us. Holidays only seem to heighten it. I wish I had some answers to give you to lessen the pain. I've reached the point as well that those around me no longer want to hear about it and either just plain ignore me or change the subject. Most have completely ran as though I carry some contagious disease. All I can say is to just keep taking one day at a time. At least here we can say exactly how we feel and know the ones that are reading are going through the same pain. Wishing for tomorrow to be a better day for each of us.

Suzanne

[SusanK]

Lily, I am sorry you are hurting so today. This is a very hard life. Sad, lonely, empty. I hope you have a moment of peace from time to time.

The song is "Sunday Morning Comming Down" by J. Cash. I think it is from the late 60's.

take care

s

[LarrysGirl]

Lily, I can hear your pain and I'm so sorry. I know exactly what that feels like. I didn't think I would survive and for the most part I didn't want to survive. I couldn't see any sense in staying alive without Larry. I still haven't found my way but the intense suffering is not everyday. Don't get me wrong, nothing is the same and I miss him terribly. I talk to him, think of him always and wish and beg everyday for my life with Larry. I wanted to tell you that even though you were an avid reader right now its probably not going to work for you. Concentration during grief is near impossible. Due keep trying but don't be hard on yourself. What you are experiencing now, just getting through the grief is all your mind can handle. Rest and post here where others that understand and are listening can help support you. I hope for you and all of us some peace. Deborah

[Guest moparlicious]

Lily,

Hello my dear.I am so sorry you are having so much sorrow right now,I can honestly tell you, I feel the same way and continue to go on. Today was really hard and Tues is my beloved Dan's birthday, he would of been 42. It all seems so senseless and meaningless I just cant accept everything happens for a reason. Thank you for helping me through so really rough days, like today and next week! your posts are never anything to apologize for,we all are here for the same reason, virtual hugs, support, understanding and love. No one here will ever judge you in any way and I know every single person on here if they could, they would be glad to give hugs, or hold our hand or anything we need, for everyone on here, are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GREAT!!!! I love you guys(can you tell) and you will make it through, as will I. One day, hour or minute at a time. Take all the time you need, we are here. Kim

[fred]

Lily and Friends, Kim is right. There are no words that will make anything any better, any easier, and I know that you cannot imagine that anyone has ever felt as badly, as deeply hurt as you do now. They haven´t. This is a pain that can not be shared, there is nothing anyone can do or say that will make it any lighter. But each of the rest of us are feeling exactly the same, and the only thing I have found any comfort in at all is a hug. The knowledge that someone loves me just because I am a human being and that we are all in this same boat together. Wish I could be there to give each of you a hug whenever you need or want it and I so wish that you could be here for me. But this is the best that I can do from here, if there is someone that could give you this hug in person, please ask, please please ask; if not, please try to find someone that will just listen. We care for you and love you and are here for you. Fred

[lyn]

Lily,

You are not alone. Cant help the tears as I read your post because this is exactly how I feel. I understand, I care. This is such a sad, sad journey that we all have to take. We have no choice but to push through, wishing somehow that we will be able to find peace and healing. 9 months along this road, one will think it is much better now. It is getting difficult, everyday I wonder where to get the strength to keep me going. I hang on to every chance of hope and joy that I get, even for a minute, even for a second, and had to affirm again what I have told myself months ago that I will never let this suffering destroy me. I am still here, I am still living, and still would want to live my life the best that I can.

How I have often wished I am dead too, how I have envied acquaintances and friends that have long passed away. But as I reflect on this, I feel I am not ready yet, there are still some things I would like to do, some purpose I would like to accomplish. When my time will come, I would not want to have any regrets. It is too sad that my love is not here with me physically, still I believe his spirit is always with me, prodding me to move forward, wanting me to go on, and I will.

The tears continue, let it flow, we are holding you.

[Art]

Hi Lilly and all the rest of my friends here,

Lilly your post didn't make me feel worse, but it sure did describe exactly the way I feel. I just passed the one year mark last month and I still ache with this lonely life. I have tried to get back to living, but its like the world has simply left me behind. I want so much to feel that warm and comforting feeling of being special to someone but that person no longer exists and as a result I think that in a sense I no longer exist. If there are any answers I haven't found them. This forum provides the only comfort I have found. I don't post often any more because I don't think I'm doing anything to help anyone, but I do read the posts sometimes several times a day. Thanks to all for being here. Just try to keep on going and hope for a better tomorrow.

[DesertBob]

I thought that if I could get interested in reading again, I would be able to get absorbed in whatever book I was reading ...and that might give me some relief...but I try and try and can't...someone gave me the name of a counselor, but I'm afraid I'm defeating that before I go because I can't imagine how the counselor can help....or how can meds help..

Lily,

It is possible to get "stuck" in this journey and where I think good counseling, and less frequently meds, can help is to get you "un-stuck" and moving forward again.

Our biggest challenge in grieving as in all aspects of life is acceptance of what is. Life requires that we conform to it; it refuses to conform to us. As I read back over your post and most of the others here, including my old ones, the suffering is coming from resistance to what is. The resistance is totally understandable, and can't be waved away, and will crumble in its own time and way. But I have come to believe that these experiences are designed to break down that resistance, which isolates us from the source of all happiness, usually by keeping us focused on the past or fretting about the future.

I came to the conclusion that I can accept my wife's death, and even her suffering, without either liking or approving of it. Accept it without judgment.

The following quote helped me through this spot, so I post it here for what it's worth. I think it's from Rilke, but not sure ...

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions as if they were books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer."

--Bob

[mfarah]

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions as if they were books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer."

WOW that is so beautiful and so true we spend so much time and effort looking for answers to questions rather than just accepting our destiny and being patient and like the quote says we might eventually live our way into the answer. What a wonderful way to look at the perspective of life. Thank you Bob you are such an amazing person.

Love,

Marlene