How I Got Here...

[MikeC]

My dear wife and best friend Janet recently died after fighting ovarian cancer for 3 years. It was late stage 3/stage 4 when she was diagnosed. Her initial response to the treatment was excellent and she was pronounced "cancer free", but 8 months later it came raging back. She was under Hospice care from March until her death on June 25. I was able to be with her around the clock for the last 6 weeks of her life. Hospice was able to keep her pain-free during her last weeks, but she constantly battled nausea. She died peacefully in our home as I held her hand and gently stroked her head. Our two sons were home with us as well.

At Janet's memorial service a friend of ours sang "Smile", a song that exemplifies the way she approached her life and impending death. Even in her final days she would flash her beautiful smile whenever anyone came to visit her. She never complained about her own situation, but instead turned the conversation to how the other person was doing. Janet was incredibly sweet and compassionate, always putting others needs ahead of her own. In fact, she ignored her own symptoms and put off going to the doctor while she cared for her mother, who passed away a couple of months before Janet was diagnosed.

We knew from the beginning of her illness that Janet's chances were not good, and after the cancer recurred that her outlook for survival was dismal. Still, we lived our remaining time as normally as possible. She was relatively "healthy" for someone so ill and felt pretty good most of the time, except during the last 5 months or so.

Janet and I were married very nearly 29 years--she died 4 days before our anniversary. That day was the loneliest day of my life, but it seems like I can say that about almost every day now. I'm hoping that writing and talking about my loss and my feelings with other similarly unfortunate souls will help me work my way out of this dark place I find myself in.

Thanks for listening...

Mike

[karenb]

Hi Mike,

The beautiful way you talk about your wife, Janet, shows how much you each loved each other. What a wonderful thing you both had. The caring and love you gave her was so much and I know she had to love you for doing it. It takes a great deal of courage on both your parts to have gone through this. The times coming I'm sure will be very hard, but try and remember the wonderful love you both had. This is a good place to be to talk to others, these are caring people. Take care of yourself, Mike. You need to carry on.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Mike,

I am sorry that you have found us under these circumstances, however you have found a wonderful group of people here that will be here for you. This site was a lifesaver for me when I lost my wife of 11 years a little over 2 years ago. I found many a time when I came here and posted what was on my mind there was always someone posting shortly with words of compassion and something to help me get through.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Mike,

I am sorry you lost your wife. You have good company here, as this is just about the best site there is with the best group of people you could ever meet. We are like a family, we've been through so much together, helped each other through it all, sometimes venting, sometimes listening, sometimes encouraging...please come here as often as you like and feel free to express yourself. There are ample men and women here who have been through it and understand.

[WendyJ]

Mike I am so very sorry for your recent loss of your wife Jamet. It has been 16 months for me since I lost my dear Steve and we were married for a month short of 28 years but were together for 6 years before that. I can tell how much you loved your wife and miss her, it came right out of your post and to my heart. Keep coming here, we are all going through this with you and will be here for you whenever you need us and need you here for us too.

Love,

Wendy

[shhh65]

Dear Mike,

I am so glad you found this site and were able to write out your feelings. It took me a while to be able to post here but I received much comfort in just reading what the others were posting. It validated my feelings and gave me hope that I too could make it down this path I've been on for just a little over 7 months. You will find engouragment and friendship here.

God Bless You,

Sherry

[JoeA]

Mike -

I am sorry for your loss, but this is a good place and I hope you continue to visit. Your dear wife sounds so much like my Kathy. We were also married just shy of 29 years. On her very last night in this life, in the hospital, our priest visited to annoint her and pray with us. After the prayers, she looked at him and said "you look tired - are you OK?". She actually got him to open up about some problems he was wrestling with - and even gave him some advice! Kathy also had a beautiful smile with which she graced everyone's life every day. We were both very fortunate to have had these angels in our lives Mike. I know it hurts like hell, that all hope and all meaning seem to have died with them, but their love will remain and I believe that will see us through. I also personally believe that we will see them again, but that's a matter of faith.

God bless you and keep you,

- Joe

[mlg]

Mike,

I too am sorry that you are at this point in your life. It is somewhere none of us want to be. In Jan. I lost Tom just 2 1/2 weeks before our 37th anniversary so I can really empathize with you in that respect. I was "lucky" though that I only had a little over 4 month journey. What a remarkable woman she must have been to still put others first after all she had been through. I don't know if you find it comforting or not but the comment that most people say about missing Tom is his smile and it sounds like a lot of people will miss Janet's smile too. Hopefully that means that you and I had something to do with that. I find that quite comforting at times.

The nice thing about this group is that you can come any time you want to 24/7. Maybe no one will post for a while but it helps me to just be able to put down the words. I don't know if the funeral home you used has an on line guestbook or not, but 6 mos later my girls and I are still writing to Tom on it. It's kind of like journally at certain points but later I'll be able to print it and read it (because sometimes my handwritting isn't too great).

I can't tell you it's going to get better because at this point I'm still trying to get there but there are a lot of people in this group and others walking around who have "made" it and I'm sure at some point we will too.

Again, welcome to the group and for whatever reason we were all meant to walk through this together.

Mary Linda

[MikeC]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and encouraging comments.

As Karen noted, we did have a wonderful love. I know Janet loved me as deeply as I still love her, and it is devastating to realize that now my love can no longer be reciprocated. As far as strength and courage go, Janet had enough for both of us. She was my rock throughout, and now that she's gone I'm struggling to hang on.

Joe, the similarities between your Kathy and my Janet are striking, and I agree that we are fortunate guys. Even with this crushing loss, I consider myself to be the luckiest guy in the world to have had Janet in my life for the time that I did.

Mary Linda, people do tell me they miss Janet's smile. I like to think I had something to do with it. She liked my sense of humor and enjoyed listening to my guitar playing. But Janet drew so much joy from small things--a colorful leaf, a feather, the smell of lilacs and lavender--she was content to be just about anywhere doing just about anything.

Again, thank you all. I am happy I found this site with so many caring people.

Mike

[LarrysGirl]

Mike, Welcome to a kind and supportive group of people, who like you, lost a spouse or partner. I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost Larry in Nov. 2005 and I've gotten the most support and understanding right here on this site. I still find comfort here and try to help as new people come and share. I think you will find writing and reading here will help you to cope and feel a sense of support. Deborah

[JeanneC]

Mike, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. This happens to be a great site. People are just so nice. If you just need to let out what's on your mind or help in any way, they are here for you. I see that your wife died June 25th. My husband Alex died June 28th and I was also with him. He died in the hospital very peacefully. Alex and I met each other as a blind date on July 4th, 20 years ago. We were married for 15 years. His death came just before our 20th year when we met. I know that there will be a lot of firsts for many of us, but continue to come to this site and let us know how you are doing.

I hope that you will be strong during this time. Remember that we all care.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[kimb]

hi mike

im sorry to hear about janets passing. you have found a good place to come. there are so many caring people here. i have learned that myself I just recently lost my husband in april. i know about the dark place but keep coming here to just vent and support others. i think you will find it helps you. but also remember that you can look above to the Lord to help you out of that dark place

God bless you

kimb