It's The Middle Of The Night

[kayc]

I took my antianxiety medicine and went to bed, I was tired, but then at 1:30 I woke up and couldn't sleep...now it's 2:48 am and I have to get up at 5:30 and drive the 50 miles to work. Night after night I don't sleep well, not even on weekends, I wake up. I never used to have this problem. How do we handle it if we can't even sleep? It's been so long for me, I feel like I should be doing better, but every day I am reminded, and my life just accentuates it, I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I've gone backwards, like I was doing okay and now...

I miss everything, I miss his reassuring arms around me, his caring, talking over our day, just...everything. Yesterday I collected money for the company I work for that has been owed to them long before I started working for them...most people would have written it off, but I kept trying because they need it so bad...I felt really triumphant about it. In the old days I would have told George and he would have been so proud of me...but now, there's no one to tell, no one who'd care. Everything he was to me, every way he was with me, it's just gone. I feel so alone. Does anyone else feel this way?

Edited September 5, 2008 by kayc

[Tori]

I've been going through the same thing. There have been many days I've been up for 36 hours or more because I simply can't sleep. I have to be up by 6 and yet I've laid in bed for over 2 hours now tossing and turning and just decided to heck with it. Now I'll be up until tonight when the struggle will begin all over again.

My youngest daughter has been suffering for 18 months with an abdominal incision that broke completely open and won't close. In addition she's dealing with repeated incidents of perforated bowels. Tonight as she was telling me she's now running a fever and faces more surgery on Saturday, I broke down completely missing the comfort and support my husband and I always managed to provide for each other .

It's devastating to be so alone while facing one continuous crisis after another.

Yesterday I got a haircut. (not that the haircut is a crisis) Due to miscommunication I ended up with only an inch of hair all over my head and wound up looking like a sheep that's just been shorn.

When my husband was alive if something like that had happened he'd tease me and reassure me that "as fast as your hair grows, it'll be fine in week or two" Then he'd hug me and lie and convince me he liked it this short. We'd wind up laughing about it.

Without him here to bolster me up I just look in the mirror and cry!

Since the Ativan isn't working anymore, My doctor wants to put me on Lunestra for sleep and I'm afraid to take it living alone. I don't want to risk being one of those who goes out walking or for drives in their sleep. The doctor agreed I probably shouldn't risk it.

Edited September 5, 2008 by Tori

[MikeC]

I have had maybe two "good night's sleep" since March. That was when Janet started hospice care. At that time they had not quite gotten her pain (nor nausea) under control, so we were up during the night dealing with that. Later, after the pain was under control she had to have anti-nausea medicine every 3 hours, so sleeping through the night was not an option. Since her death in June I have not slept well. I fall asleep without much trouble, but I always wake up during the night and have trouble going back to sleep. Those are the times when I miss Janet the most. The only upside to this crazy sleep pattern is that the dreams that I have had about Janet have occurred when I have laid awake for a long time and then fallen back to sleep a little while before I have to get up for work.

Night before last I went to bed at 10:00 pm, but woke up at 12:08 and remained awake until some time after 3:30. My alarm is set for 4:30. Last night I got to sleep at 12:30 and slept until the alarm woke me. I am really dragging today.

I don't take any kind of sleep aid, but I'm thinking about trying melatonin.

[shhh65]

I too wonder if I will ever be able to go to bed without the TV or radio on and go right to sleep like I used to when Harry was lying there beside me. I finally made it to the guest bedroom after months of sleeping on the couch but only because there was a TV in that room. I even made it to our bedroom a few weeks but find myself back on the couch and in the guest room often. I wake up several times every night with lonliness hitting me again and again. I was able to retire after returning to work for 3 months after he died. I feel badly for those of you who have to work with such sleep deprivation. I know that is not easy.

Tori and Kay. I too long for the times when Harry and I would comfort each other or share a laugh about something funny that happened in our day. I say the things aloud he used to say to me especially "our little secret comments." Of course it isn't the same but it brings me some measure of comfort.

Sherry

[mlg]

I can't believe that I slept half way decent last night and you were all up. I come in here night after night hoping I'll see someone post just so I can too and have a mini conversation. Tonight I sleep and all you guys would have been on here.

When Tom was sick I wouldn't take the 1/2 of an Elavil that they added for my migranes because when I wake up I feel "dopey" and I was afraid we'd have to go 35 miles to the ER. About 5 months after he died I started them again and got a couple good nights sleep. Now I'm back to the same old stuff. The other night I took that and two hours later got up and too 1/2 of a Xanax because I didn't want to get too groggy. I just wanted to relax so I could get some sleep. and the last time I looked at the clock it was a little after 3 and I have to get up at 6. I am a nurse and it bothers me that my judgement could become impaired and on my day off I have been driving a friend for radiation treatments and I don't want to fall asleep while I'm driving.

I too wonder when will we all get to sleep decently. I think maybe I wouldn't mind it so much if I would dream about him but haven't had so much as a shadow.

The Wed after Labor day last year is when we got his diagnosis, so even though it wasn't the exact date the other day I had a hard time. At one point I was screaming at him. I have read a couple of books that make it sound like when they get to heaven they are so blissfully happy that they don't think about things here on earth and I don't know about anybody else but that really bothers me for some reason. I want him to be happy but I want him to still love and think about me too. I guess because I'm so sad that then he wouldn't be happy, I don't know. He was such a worrier and I'm glad that can finally be over for him. Anyway I was yelling about why didn't he come put his arms around me anymore (because I use to feel a warmth like that), or come to me in dreams, or send me signs like other people get. If someone had walked in my house they probably would have taken me away in a straight jacket.

There are so many times I wish we could have been "lucky" enough as two other sets of friends that we have that were killed together. It was so hard on their families though and really the whole community. I just really don't care if I am here or not most days. I can function and go through the motions but I REALLY don't care. I have a few good friends and my girls and their families but other than that don't think I'd be missed much.

I don't know if I'm down so much this AM because my friend who had the pancreatic cancer had his surg Wed and the news wasn't good and then Tom's "Patch Adams" called yesterday and his mother in law who also had pancreatic cancer died. I think it's just too many coincidences and it's all getting to me.

I've rambled enough. Have the day off and have to get some things done.

Thanks for listening.

Edited September 5, 2008 by mlg

[Gail_R]

Kay I know how you feel..for me it is almost 20 months since Bruce died and I have not had a goodnights sleep since. I go to bed alright but around 12:30-1:00 am I wake-up and sometimes I'm still awake at 5 then may sleep for an hour or so and up for the rest of the day by 7am. Before Bruce died I could sleep round the clock and now I just wish that I could sleep the whole night. I miss that warm body in bed with me what I would do to have it back well I'm we would all like that back. Gail

[fred]

Hello Kay! I am sorry that you are now having trouble sleeping, but since you have not had this problem regularly we can hope that it will pass quickly. I used to sleep like a rock before my wife died and then could never get more than a couple of hours rest on any night for over a year. It wasn´t until finding this group and realizing how all of you were walking along with me on this journey that my sleep gradually began to increase to four and then five hours a night (I always used to get seven or eight).

With a great deal of help, talking through all we have been through and continue to experience, from one of our very special friends, I have recently been getting over seven hours of sleep a night. Then suddenly this week I seem to be back at the two to three hour stage and the lack of rest is taking a great toll on me. I have even started getting cranky and difficult to talk with from working out in the heat all day and not being able to sleep at night. Because I have recently been sleeping well, I know that I will again, it may just take a little while. There have been a few anniversaries and events lately that may have thrown me back, but I am determined to keep going. You have had a great triumph at work and the people above you at the company owe you an acknowledgement of thanks. I am sure George is proud of you as we all are and I hope your sleep returns to normal quickly. Take good care of yourself! Hugs!

[kayc]

Tori,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter! Is she a young adult?

I went through the bad haircut (1" spiky) when I was job hunting and thought, "Who will hire me like this?!" I joked about it with my boss a month ago (been here almost two years now...he hired me like this!) and he said he hadn't even noticed!

Fred,

Actually, I've had this problem off and on since George died, I never used to have a problem going to sleep or waking up. I usually don't go on line cuz I am stuck with a dial up connection and just as I get to the web page I want, it disconnects.

Mary Linda,

I must have had a really bad night last night, I cried and cried, and wished I was dead - if it wasn't for my kids...

I hope it gets better for all of us.

Wendy,

I'm glad at least someone was asleep!

Gail and Mike,

Hope we all get a good night's sleep tonight! It sure is hard to sleep in that empty bed by ourselves!

[WendyJ]

Kay I am so sorry you are going through this right now but actually last night I wasn't asleep either as someone very dear to me had a rough night also and got alittle cranky and difficult to talk to!!! But Kay I know exactly what you are talking about as I went through that just a couple weeks ago and was feeling pretty down last weekend too. That is why Marty created this wonderful site so we can be there for eachother and show eachother we are not alone in our feelings. I wish you and I could go out tonight and do some girly talk but since we can't we will chat right here okay?

Love You,

Wendy

[Guest moparlicious]

Kay,

I am with you, I am trying to figure out what the word sleep really means, is it that 3 hours I close my eyes every night. I don't take meds, don't want to either. I'm sorry you are going through this also.

Tori, I am sorry to hear of your daughters illness, please know we care and love you. I am going through many hard times too, my 17 year old daughter is having many health issues and the docs suspect issues, we are praying it is not cancer. Her labs came back abnormal and we are on the road to specialists again.Please pray for our family, we are going through Hell right now. I pray to God to please don't take my baby, for my husband has only been gone a year and he had many of the same symptoms as her. Her name is Missie. Thank you. Kim

[Jan Thurman]

KayC I had the same problem yesterday. I was already upset as it was the 6 month anniversary of my husband dying and I was reliving that day in my mind. My daughter had signed us up for Salsa dance lessons for last nite. We used to go to them once a week when my husband was alive and I would come home and tell him what we had learnt that nite. So after the lesson I went home and I think I was already mentally tired from reliving the day it happened, and was also tired from the lesson but I started crying because there was no one to tell about my lesson. I flopped in my chair and fell asleep with my clothes on but woke up all through the nite. Cried all the way to work this morning. Feel like I'm going backwards again. But when I got on here this morning and read everyone's emails I realized that I'm not losing my mind we are all in the same boat and it made me feel better. I don't mean to say that I'm glad everyone is sad and having a rough time but I'm glad I have people to share this with. Jan

[kayc]

You guys are great! Jan, I cried on the way to work this morning too. It's funny cuz I hadn't cried for a while but I sure had my fill the last 24 hours!

BTW, Just found out my son is leaving Tuesday (he's flying somewhere for a job) and will be gone a couple of months, I'll have his dog. I will really miss him, and it also means he won't be here for my birthday. My boss is scheduling a mandatory meeting my bdy. weekend so there that goes... I'm glad for my son though, even though it means he'll miss his annual hunting trip with his dad and friends, but he needs the money as he'd like to go to college. The job was to be five months and has been cut to two but it's better than nothing!

[LarrysGirl]

Kay, well you found out your are not alone in the no sleep department!! You and I are on similar time lines and I would have thought at almost three yrs. I would sleep also, but thats not happening. I was a sound sleeper before Larry died but since then my nights not very good. I wake up all nite long, sometimes gasping for air from another nightmare. I have never been so tired in my life. I feel your pain my friend, Deborah

[mlg]

Just want to tell everyone I'm sorry for rambling so about myself this morning. I don't know what got in to me but at least if I post it here I'm not embarrassing myself in front of people I am around.

[KathyG]

Lots of insomniacs here at this site; I didn't know sleeplessness was such a common symptom of grief. I never had much trouble sleeping before, except for a few times I was riled up about something at work. Now I often wake up multiple times a night and sometimes can't fall back asleep for hours. (At least, I'm getting caught up on my reading.) One night last week I felt exhausted but couldn't close my eyes once - I stayed up and watched DVDs until dawn.

I have had to learn to sleep in a new position, because I used to lie on my side facing Bill. Now I can't stand to look over at that empty space. I filled it with throw pillows just so that there's something there.

If I drink herbal tea with valerian shortly before I go to bed, it does help me fall asleep.

I wonder if I'm turning into my mother, because for years she'd get up at night and roam around the house. Some of that was sleepwalking, though. True story: one night, she woke up hungry and went to the kitchen for a sandwich. I was up late studying for a test, so I thought I'd grab a snack too. There was Mom, standing by the sink trying to bite through a dishcloth stuffed between two pieces of bread! I woke her and showed her what she'd been trying to eat. "Oh," she said. "I thought that was tough lunch meat!"

[Tori]

Kayc my daughter is an adult, she's 51 and has diabetes and Rheumatoid arthritis as well as the open incision. She had her surgery today (skin grafts and bowel repair) and the doctor said everything went well. They've said the same thing after all the other surgeries she's had to attempt to correct this too!

Her health has been deteriorating steadily since shortly after my husband passed away in May of 2006. She and her dad were very close. She's a fighter like he was or she probably wouldn't have made it this far.

All prayers will be tremendously appreciated. I honestly don't think I could survive losing another daughter! Our oldest daughter passed away in December of 1993, just days away from her 39th birthday. She died from kidney failure as a result of Juvenile Diabetes.

My apologies to everyone for going off topic; but this is the first time I've had the courage to verbalize or even admit my fears to anyone. This forum filled with so many understanding and caring people seems to be the best possible place for it!

[kayc]

Tori,

Don't worry about going off topic, that's just fine! I'm glad your daughter made it through surgery and it looks well. It has to have been hard to lose your one daughter and then your husband, of course you don't want to lose another daughter! We'll pray her health improves. I, too, have Diabetes, as does most of the people in my family, George did too. Right now I'm having problems with my Triglycerides being way too high, I guess that can happen from Diabetes, so I have to go back to the doctor, I'm hoping it doesn't mean liver damage, I'll find out more later. My blood sugar isn't too bad, it's been staying around 107 the last few years, they prefer under 100, but 107 isn't too bad I don't think.