Why Have They Stopped Coming Over

[Jan Thurman]

I am at a loss and I don't think I'm in the mood to ask them the question. My husband and I were always going over to his brother and wife's house for dinner. They would come over our house for dinner. We would go out to dinner. They would stop buy to see us and us the same. Then my husband died. It was 7 months October 4th. They only live 15 minutes away. They have been over my house once for about 10 minutes since he died. They have never asked me over for dinner. They have never asked if I wanted to join them out to dinner with other relatives. I have not had anyone over for dinner as I am not in the mood to cook for a dinner group yet. They do not call. My husband was always over there house helping them as they are retired and so was he whereby I work. I think my husband would have felt his brother would have looked out for me and asked if there was anything that I needed help with as I live on 1-1/2 acres. But he has never asked me anything. I have seen them at family functions over the 7 month period (funeral, birthday party, graduation) and we have fun together. I put on a good front when I am there and go home and cry because I missed my husband at the occassion. My brother-in-law did stop by the other day. He would not come in stood out on the patio. Wanted to borrow my husbands crab pot. Did not give me a hug and ask how are you doing. I started talking about I've been feeling a little down lately and all he did was start backing up to leave. So is it just me or does this happen to other people. I am of the feeling that I am the grieving window here and I shouldn't be the one to call, ask them to dinner, or go over there. Thanks for listening. Jan

[kayc]

Oh Jan, I wish I could say this is the exception, but unfortunately, it is not! This has been my experience with people too...my husband's family dropped off the face of the earth as did our friends. I think people are uncomfortable with death and do not know what to say or act like it's contagious or something. It is something I have tucked away inside of me to remember when others encounter grief. It is a rude awakening, for sure, a learning experience. I know it hurts, because just when we need people, they're not there. I have learned to be thankful for the very few people who are there. I am glad you have your daughter close by! My husband would have been shocked had he known what would have happened when he died, that his best friends that he thought would be there for me, were not. That his brothers disappeared on me. That the church did too. I don't think he could have fathomed what happened, I'm only glad he's not around to see it.

I pray you find surprising friendship where you'd least expect it!

Love,

KayC

[Jan Thurman]

KayC, thank you for replying and making me feel that I'm not the only one. But I was in this family for 40 years. That is a long time. I was not only married to my husband for 40 years I have known the whole family since I was 12 years old. It is sad to see this happen. I don't think my husband and I would have been that way if it had been his brother that had died. I do hope your problems get better soon. Life is too short to be miserable. Jan

[WendyJ]

Jan,

Well welcome to the group of us that were dumped by the inlaws ! I knew Steve's family since I was 15 years old, was married to him for 28 years and gave them 2 beautiful Granddaughters and where are they now? Who knows, we kept in touch up till Mothers Day ....I sent her some beautiful flowers. Then came my Birthday and my one daughters birthday...nothing and not a word since then and I refuse to be the one to call as I made the last effort. His family was alittle strange anyway so maybe I am better off. So Jan do not feel alone, you are not, unfortunately this is more common that we think.

Love,

Wendy

[AnnetteAZ]

Jan,

I'm so sorry for you and for us all. This, I believe, is the norm, not the exception. And it's almost as hard as the loss of our mates. The truth is we are not the same people that they knew before and neither they nor we know how to relate anymore. It's like he was the glue that held everything together and now that he's gone, so are all the bonds. It's also true that we are expected to "move on" and it makes everyone crazy when you're just not ready. I wish that I could make it better for you (and all the rest of us)but all I can offer is my deepest sympathy...and I know that is just not enough. Hoping you find peace.

[kath]

Dear Jan,

The same thing happened to me with Bob's brothers. They were always really close and for years talked to each other every day. Towards the end of Bob's illness, they stayed away, but apparently talked amongst themselves. The older brother wanted Bob treated at the Mayo Clinic. With living several hours away and having a full-time job, two kids in school and an ailing dog, I didn't think I could arrange the travel and childcare, so I opted for a hospital closer to home. Then he died. I don't know if a better hospital would have made a difference.

His brothers are grieving in their way and have to deal with their own issues. One will call monthly to see what repairs need to be done. I get no emotional support from him and he is very uncomfortable if I cry or am upset. We had our first Christmas at the other one's house and Bob's name was never mentioned by anyone. That hurt the most. He would have been the one they joked with. His escapades have been legends in his family as long as I knew them. I realized that regardless how much he looked like his brothers, his personality was totally different. He was the best of the bunch.

Also, after talking with Bob's daughter who is really struggling, she doesn't call when she misses her dad, because we were inseparable and I remind her too much of him. It is just too painful. So, whatever is going on with your in-laws, I think learning to live again requires us to reach out to new people. You are doing just that.

Kath

[Rosemary T]

Oh thank you so much for posting this. It is so good to know that this is the norm even though it is very sad!

Lou's brother who called him all the time and even spoke to me on the phone each time he called and claimed to love his brother more than anything has decided he not only never needs to call but actually "hates me" because I refused to have a viewing of Lou's body. Lou and I had discussed this and both of us decided that we did not want anyone viewing our body. Lou died of a massive heart attack while I was with him and I called his immediate family that were in town to have them come to the emergency room while I was there with him. They were told then to look at Lou, hug him, hold his hand, whatever, but that when I decided the visits were over that would be it. They would not see him again. The brother who was out of town did not like that I refused to have Lou's body out for the rest of the relatives to see. He did not seem to care that Lou and I had discussed this and that these were our wishes. He refused to speak to me at the service and has not called since.

Lou had 3 sons (2 biological and 1 who was not really his but he acted as Dad to for awhile). The only one who calls and sees me constantly and is there whenever I need him is the one who is not even blood related. The other two never call or check on me at all. It only bothers me because I know what their father would think of their behavior and how hurt he would be. But, they were selfish when he was alive so I really did not expect any different after he died. I am so grateful that Lou is in a place where he only feels joy and peace. He was a wonderful person and I could not bear the thought of him being so disappointed and hurt by his family's actions.

There are very few people who ever even think to call or check on me. I don't try to figure out why or contemplate what they are thinking. I still miss Lou so much that I really can't think of anything else but when I do think about it, all I can say is it baffles me. It is good to know that this is true in many cases, not just mine!

[LarrysGirl]

Unfortunately this is also what happened to me. The first year I don't really remember but I know I rarely saw anyone. The first holidays when I was with his family, his parents, brothers and their wifes, the brothers barely acknowledged me and his dad avoided me. They still have nothing to say except they would like some of his things. I've not let go of anything yet and won't until I am ready, if ever. Our friends have disappeared. Just like I said last week, my birthday and I heard from one friend. Life is so different now. Deborah

[KathyG]

Like everyone else, I've been dropped by my husband's family. I took it hard because they were the only family I had here in Arizona; all my relatives are back east.

Bill's family and I always got along well. He and I used to get together with them not often, but regularly. For the first few months after he died his sister and niece and I were in close touch, and they seemed glad when I told them I didn't plan to move back to Pennsylvania. But since July, I haven't heard from any of them. And like Wendy, I was the last one to initiate contact so I feel that if they want our relationship to continue, they should call me.

However, I've discussed this with friends and they suggested that maybe I should give Bill's family one more chance; write them a letter that reminds them I'm still here and I miss them, but make it clear that the next move is theirs and if they want to end the relationship, fine, I'll live with it. On one hand, I feel like a letter to them would either give me closure or reopen communication between us. But another part of me thinks that their actions (lack of them, really) have already made their intentions clear and writing would be a waste of time.

What do you all think? Would it be worthwhile to send the letter?

[kath]

I just came across the story Marty posted years ago about "The Horse on The Dining Room Table." It fits perfectly with this topic...sorry I don't know how to link it:(

[MartyT]

Kath, I think you might be referring to this piece, which also appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

The Elephant in the Room

There’s an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet, we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine”. . .

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about school or work.

We talk about everything else —

except the elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.

It is constantly on our minds,

For you see, it is a very big elephant.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please, say ‘Barbara’ again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,

Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say ‘Barbara’ and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me

Alone . . . in a room . . .

With an elephant.

— Terry Kettering, in Bereavement Magazine,

Reprinted in Ann Landers’ Column, Arizona Republic, February 12, 2000

[kath]

Thanks, Marty.

This story is very much like the one I found in General Grief and Loss Topics from 1/27/06. The horse story file is attached your response.

[MartyT]

Okay, Kath, thank you! Now I've got it! This is the post, in Grief Caught Me This Time:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...findpost&p=3439

[kath]

You're the best! I knew you would find it!

[Rosemary T]

Kathy,

I just read your question. I say if writing the letter makes you feel better than "go for it". But if you are only doing it in hopes that it will change them towards you....don't.

You will always wonder if they are just responding to you out of pity. If you are like me, that is the LAST kind of comfort you need or want.

Best wishes to you!