Flashbacks Haunting Me

[KathyG]

In earlier posts, many of you have written about flashing back to the day or circumstances of your spouse's or partner's death and how much pain those flashbacks cause. I know it's normal to have these flashbacks, especially when the death occurred suddenly. But I hope no one will mind if I bring up the subject of flashbacks again.

My husband had his heart attack last year on November 17. The next four days were the worst of my life, as I watched and waited and prayed he'd come out of his coma and then (though everything in me was screaming, "No!") had to give the order to turn off his life support and let him go.

Right after Bill died, I mentally replayed those days over and over again. I haven't had any such flashbacks for months. But now this past week, with the anniversary coming up, the flashbacks are back in full force and I feel like I'm reliving those days again, even more in anguish than I was then because now I'm also grieving for all the other losses that have happened since. Till now, I was slowly recovering and even feeling a little hope about the future. It feels like all those gains I've made have been wiped out and I'm in even worse shape than when this all started.

I also keep remembering how Bill and I looked forward to having a happy retirement together on the savings we so carefully put away for so many years. Now I can't even bring myself to open the latest statementa on my retirement accounts because in my current mood, I'm afraid to see the damage. I'm afraid that even dreams of a quiet solo retirement have died now.

What can I do to turn off the flashbacks and calm my worries about the future? I can't stop thinking about them and I'm not sleeping at night; if this keeps up, by November 17 I'll be a complete wreck. Does anyone know what may help?

[karenb]

Oh, Kathy....I read this all the time but haven't responded too much lately just 'cause I'm busy or maybe I don't have too much to say. Regarding your flashbacks, my husband died suddenly and I didn't even have time to say goodbye. Well, when I was mowing the lawn my daughter suddenly came and said something's happened to Jack. We drove to the hospital, the doctor met us at the door, and I knew. They put me into emergency. Almost every time, when I'm moving the lawn, even after these 3 years I just vision my daugher walking down the yard to me and I see myself screaming, No, No, No. The blur after that kind of comes back, but I try to overcome that with the only thing I know, and that's prayer. The good Lord has been very good to me in letting a lot of it go away. I do know, Kathy, and the only thing I know is prayer and putting one darn foot in front of the other and doing everything you can to try to help yourself. I really feel for you...it's tough. At my church group's meeting today they hoped we would give testimony about the passing of our loved ones. A lady did that about her mother who died 8 years ago, and she just sobbed. It just breaks your heart. Hang in there, girl. You can do everything you want to do, if you just try really, really, hard, give your wonderful time to others to help them and we love you.

Your friend, Karen

[Jan Thurman]

I feel for you. My husband died the same way on March 4th. He was retired and I went to work, like I always did, and said goodbye see you later. A few hours later I got a call that he had collapsed at the place he used to work as he used to go by and see them. When I got to the hospital he was in a coma on life support. For a week they did the cooling down and warming up to see if he would come out of it. I truly believed that he would. I was so medicated that I really don't remember much. They said that after the week I said to take him off life support but I could've said cut my arms off and I wouldn't have known the difference. As you said in the weeks following that moment that the person called me on the phone played over like a movie in my mind - over and over and over again. Right now I am going to deal with his birthday coming up on November 8 and then, of course, the holidays. I too feel like it is getting worse but not better but I read alot of the other posts that say it will get better and that is what I have to believe. Like you say, if you have to go on like that until November 17 you will feel insane. My thoughts are with you - you are not crazy - if you are we all are. And, yes, they do say that if the death is unexpected like our husbands were it is alot worse. I was married 40 years - but be it 10, 20, 30 or 40 it all feels the same. Jan

[fred]

Kathy, I wish I could help. I wind up back in that emergency room every time someone new joins us. I can feel the pain in their words and I always find myself reliving the whole ordeal all over again. I´m doing it right now as I type this. I was not in very good shape at the one year anniversary and really took a turn for the worse after it passed and I realized that not only wasn´t I getting any better, I was getting worse. Finding this group and all of these wonderful people is what saved me. The only thing I can suggest is to just keep trying to post your way through it. Is there someone nearby that you can talk it over with, someone that really cares and will give you hugs as you need them? Wish there something more I could offer. ((( )))

[kath]

Kathy,

I understand your fear of looking at your savings statements. I listened to advice about not putting the insurance money into the house. We moved here just five years ago. I invested it into the stock market and I can't even bear to look at what it is worth/what I've lost. Bob worked so hard to take care of us even when it was all he could do. He had no energy for anything else. He wanted me to have security and now I have hardly anything. The job market is horrible and I can't even get work to help support us. So, I don't look at the future. Historically, things get better over time. This is going to sound really Polly Anna of me, but I make a conscious effort to be grateful each day, even if it is for something small. It seems to help.

[shhh65]

Kathy,

I've had a lot of those flashbacks myself recently (I found my husband dead in our yard 3 days before Christmas last year). I feel like the progress I thought I'd made is on a downward spiral. My best friend recently told me how proud she is of me for all the things I'v accomplished since Harry died. I've really thought about what she said and yes I've done a lot but not because my heart has been in it. It feels like my heart will never be whole again. I've just kept putting one foot in front of the other like everyone else on this site. I guess I didn't give you any advice but maybe it helps us both to know we are not alone in how we are "doing."

Here is a big hug (((((Kathy))))

Sherry

[kayc]

Kathy,

I am sorry you are going through this. My husband's death was sudden too and I didn't get to say goodbye. I still remember the doctors coming towards me, they didn't have to say a thing, I just knew. It is still hard for me to go into a hospital, but I had to when my friend was dying, he was my best friend's husband, so I had to face the haunting memories and just do it.

As for anxiety, I had a complete meltdown at work today, there is just too much on my mind and in my heart right now, it is the worst one I've ever had. I don't know what to do with it, I'm on medication, I walk twice a day, I'm trying to take a day at a time, and let it all go, but still...it hit.

[leeann]

Kathy I had some flashbacks after finding my Mom dead too. And they were pretty strong there in the beginning. But I have had them return from time to time and the best thing I can do is to tell myself...that having flashbacks themselves is kinda normal and that they will pass.

Also I found just telling someone about it... just like you did here... helped me too.

I found if I worried about having them.. I would have more. So I quit worrying about having them and kinda just accepted them as "normal" for me.

And they do indeed pass.

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time right now.. you too Kayc and Sherry.

And I wouldn't worry about bringing them or anything else up here. If anyone gets it... this community does. ((((Hugs))))

leeann

[JeanneC]

Kathy - I know what you are feeling. I am sorry that you have to go through that again. But, I think we all have to go through the first anniversaries and holidays. I thought that I was getting a little better. Alex has been gone for 4 months. Not very long, but still having hope. All of a sudden this past week I have been reliving and missing him so much. I think in my case is that the holidays are approaching. It is also dark earlier in the day. When I leave for work it is dark and when I come home it is dark. I always loved the Winter, but now it is so depressing. It must be cabin fever. People tell me that it is not very long that Alex is gone and noone can give me an answer on how long the grieving goes on. Everyone is different. We just have to go through it to get better. This whole process is very hard for me and I am sure for everyone. I do not wish this on anyone.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[teny]

KATHY I think we have the same name .My name comes from katherin for short in greek Teny.Reading your post I have to tell you that <we are in the same boat>My husband Yiany died of cacer within 10 days from the day he was diagnosed.My mind goes always back to the last days in hospital the days I was numb and could not believe the end was here.Flashbaks espesialy this time of year that is close to the 2 year anniversary.I dont know why but we are going on whether we like it or not.I wish you strength and for all our friends that suffer.Your faraway friend TENY

[kayc]

Teny,

We must have the same name too...I was told "Kay" is "little Kathy"

[kath]

Kathy,

After reading this again, it struck me in your post when you said you had to make the decision to "turn off his life support and let him go." I did too, when everything in me wanted him to stay. Most of my nightmares surround the moments just before I gave my permission to release him. Two things come to mind...the old saying "If you love something, set it free..." and have I forgiven myself? I didn't have a choice. They told me I was just prolonging the inevitable, but the guilt was still there.

[KathyG]

Thank you, my friends, for your hugs and understanding and reassurances. I need those things so much. I think I was looking not so much for advice, but for confirmation that I'm not the only one who struggles with flashbacks. It helps to know I'm not alone, though I wish I could spare you all the sorrow the flashbacks bring.

You guys and this place are a Godsend. If anyone or anything has helped me stay sane, you have! What if feels like to survive your soulmate's death truly is something that only people who have experienced it can understand. We are our own community, united by grief and also care and concern for each other.

What a coincidence that so many of us have names that are variations on "Katherine" --Kay, Kath, and Teny. I'm the third-generation Katherine in my family; my grandmother called herself Kate, my aunt calls herself Kay and I'm Kathy. If I had had a daughter, I probably would have named her Katherine too.

Kath, though it was hard to stop Bill's life support and recalling the day I had to do it causes so much pain, I don't feel guilty about it. Many times before Bill died, he had told me that if he were ever incapacitated and would never regain consciousness, he didn't want to be kept alive artificially. During those days he was comatose, his words came back to me but I felt stunned and helpless -- and above all, I did not want to lose him.

Then on the third day when I walked into his hospital room, immediately I felt agitated and upset and I sensed those feelings were coming from him, not me. I felt his spirit telling me, "You know I never wanted this. You promised you'd let me go. Please!" I didn't want to listen, but the voice I heard was so strong and insistent. So I prayed for guidance and my prayers led me to the answer; I needed to let him go to God. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But as soon as the doctors and nurses shut down the machines and removed the tubes from him, I felt nothing but calm. Although Bill continued to breathe for a few more hours, I knew he was at peace.

[WendyJ]

Oh I know about these flashbacks all too well...they still happen from time to time but not as often. As hard as you try and keep yourself from thinking about them they still pop up here and there and they really hurt. I still remember them physically throwing me out of the E/R room Steve was in while he was coding and he was fighting them doing what they had to do because he wanted to know where I was and to make sure I was okay, I am sure he was scared too and wanted me to be with him. When they finally let me back in after 45 mins...he was gone. I was not with him when he left...could not say goodbye to him...could not tell him I loved him....I regret now I did not fight them to stay in the room. I really thought in my heart he was going to be okay...I was very wrong.

Love Always,

Wendy

[marsha]

Kathy - Oh, those flashbacks! I got to say goodbye to my husband, but the preceding three months of cancer were a nightmare -that's what i flash back to. Over and over. It's like i'm taking his sickness onto myself - could I have done anything better? Could I have eased his mental anguish any better? There are no answers, I just pray a lot, and try to find my own strengh.

Economically? Oy, as my grandmother used to say. I try not to open my statements. I am becoming so frugal, I squeak. Living on pasta and salads, not spending anything! My female friends have a running joke, that we're going to start a commune together and take care of each other. Not a bad idea, right? Take care, Marsha

[kayc]

I still remember them physically throwing me out of the E/R room Steve was in while he was coding and he was fighting them doing what they had to do because he wanted to know where I was and to make sure I was okay, I am sure he was scared too and wanted me to be with him. When they finally let me back in after 45 mins...he was gone. I was not with him when he left...could not say goodbye to him...could not tell him I loved him....I regret now I did not fight them to stay in the room.

Love Always,

Wendy

Wendy,

I went through the same thing...I was in ICU with George and we hadn't had any time alone together and he was asleep and he woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurses (twice), and they literally PHYSICALLY threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me! I KNOW he would have wanted me with him when he passed on, we were always there for each other, but they wouldn't let me. I cannot forgive that. They didn't want me there while they worked on him for their reasons, but I wouldn't have paid attention to them, just to him, his spirit, and I wouldn't have gotten in the way. If he had died at home I could have been with him as he passed to the next world, and I'm so sorry it ended like it did. That haunts me. But if he'd been at home I would have wondered if they could have done somethng if he'd been in the hospital, so I guess no matter what, we still wonder...

I only hope he knows I WANTED to be with him. I was praying for him as he died.

KayC

Edited October 29, 2008 by kayc

[WendyJ]

Oh Kay someone else who understands what I went through. I felt so lost..so helpless..my daughter had been there with me for hours while they ran tests on him and got bored and went to take a walk as they were talking of letting him possibly go home or maybe keep him over night just for observation. Within about 10 mins of her leaving is when he coded and they threw me out and I never saw him alive or talked to him again. I prayed too..did me no good and that is why I think I lost my faith until just recently..I just couldn't understand why I had bothered...he wasn't listening..so I thought. I wish it hadn't been so sudden...so unexpected..there are so many things I would have wanted to tell him at the end mostly how much I loved him and yes there might have been things he wanted to say to me also..I will never know. I will never forgive the hospital for robbing me of my last moments with my husband, I understand not wanting us in the way but we should not be thrown out of the room like we mean nothing and not been allowed to say goodbye.

I would also like to ask that people say a prayer for my grandmother tonight, she is in the hospital with extremely high blood pressure, and heart pain. Right now with her Alzheimers she is back in the 50's and had no clue who I was...yet every so often she kept asking where my husband was...not only was I back in the hospital where Steve passed but I had to keep telling her how and when he died and each time she kept starting to cry and tell me how sorry she was. If I had not been in touch with Derek the whole time I think I would have lost it...my Grandmother just recently turned 94.

Love Always,

Wendy

[kayc]

Oh Wendy, I'm so sorry, I know that has to be hard (to keep telling her over and over) and also just being back in the hospital is traumatic enough, I know the first few times I had to go see Jim (my girlfriend's husband, that passed away) the tears wouldn't quit flowing when I went to the hospital. It brings it all back.

George had a heart attack on Friday, went to the hospital (I was out of town at my sisters' reunion and was unaware of it) and I got there Sunday and there were people there, then they made us all leave and moved him to ICU, he was awaiting surgery for Mon. morning...it was Father's Day, my daughter and sister had left, I was going to spend the night with him, I figured we'd get a chance to talk, that never happened, he went into heart failure, they booted me out, that was it. When I was allowed back in it was to his body that you could tell he'd left it, it was just his worn out flesh, void of him, my beloved. How can such a vibrant man cease to be here any more? That man was my life! He was my heart and soul! How could he go while his birthday banner was still up at home? He didn't even get his Father's Day present! I have to smile remembering though...at our church the women make pies for all of the men to take home on Father's Day...George was really worried about being in the hospital and missing out on his pie...he made the pastor promise to save him one. Of course, he never got it, but I have special instructions for my mother in law (in heaven) to make him a pie, she's the best baker there is, he's in good hands!

[WendyJ]

Kay,

Yes it was hard tonight but I got through it, hopefully they will find out what is wrong and she won't be in there too much longer...this has been so hard on my mother...she still has not fully recovered from all the chemo and radiation and she actually goes back in November for another PET scan to see if the cancer has returned.

Gee Kay that is so sad about how it happened with George...I know what you mean about seeing their body after they are gone...I sat there and held his hand for hours and hours and not one family member that came afterwards had told me that I should leave...they waited till I thought I was ready. That was the hardest thing I had to do was to leave him there all alone...the night I was able to finally bring his ashes home was such a relief...he was finally where he should be.

I still do feel alot of guilt that I did not fight to be in with him, I think in a way I almost feel like I failed him as he was searching for me and I should have insisted !

Love Always,

Wendy

[fred]

Wendy and Kay, I wasn´t thrown out of the emergency room while the quacks tried to revive my wife (they were smart enough not to even try to get me away from the door) and from what I was able to learn from the paramedics, she was gone when they arrived on the scene. But I understand how much it hurts not to have been there for those last few minutes. You don´t know how many times I have thought that if I had only gone with her to church that morning, she would still be here. It doesn´t do any good to think this way, nothing is going to change what happened and we did all we could. Only God knows that it may have even been worse for us if we had been there. Please let it go. Love, Hugs and Prayers, ((((( )))))

[JeanneC]

Kay, Wendy: Even though I was with my husband when he died, I know what you went through when the doctors threw you out of the room. During the 5 months Alex was in the hospital he of course had ups and downs. He went through what they call V-Tack. His heart rate went up to 210 and he was coding right in front of me. The doctors ran in and threw me out. I did not know what was going on all I remember is that Alex's face was blue. I was screaming histerically and people outside of his room were trying to calm me down. He did survive that episode, but they did not know if there would be any brain damage. There was none, but the whole experience was freightening. I could definitely understand what you went through and I feel for you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne