Am I The Only One Here On This Forum Alone On Thanksgiving?

[PattyAnn]

It's a dreary snowy day, I'm alone, no one has even called or e-mail me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving (I've called and e-mailed several friends, even sent $100 to a friend so she could buy food for herself...she's struggling financially).

Also, today is the 1 yr, 3 mos. anniversary of my husband's death. I think about what things would have been like if he were still alive. Weather didn't bother me then, as long as we were together. It would have been a cozy time, a simple Thanksgiving. We would have made a meal, taken a nap, watched a special movie. Just enjoyed each other.

I did get one e-mail from a man I recently met. He and his wife lost their only daughter (killed by a teenage driver 8 years ago). So he and his wife totally understood about deep grief. This is one of his comments that helped me:

"I have told (my wife)about you and she is terribly sorry about Walter's death, and the pain you feel about it (though we understand that this pain is yours and precious in its own way, as it is a connection to Walter; no one has the right to ask you to put it away...and you may tell them that).

Since it is past the one year mark, I am really being pressured to stop talking about my husbands death. A "friend" even said to me a few days ago,

"I don't like being around people in grief". Ouch!

Ah phooey, where's that box of kleenex? I feel another meltdown coming on.

Thanks for listening.

Pat

[karenb]

Happy Thanksgiving....I'm here for a minute....I do hope you find some peace today. Take care..

Your friend, Karen

[marsha]

No, Pat, you're not alone. I think the fact that it's a holiday makes it doubly depressing. I'm alone by choice - can't make social talk for more than 15 minutes! All my family is either 400 or 3000 miles away; friends have been kind, but I just think it makes me feel what I feel more keenly. It's one more day, Pat, and we both will get through it. Your friend's email was very perceptive - it's good to get messages like that, I think. As for your friends who think they know what's best for you? Well, they don't get it, and what they really don't get is that just about all of them will go through this in their lives, that being the loss of a spouse. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. The heck with them - I understand how you're feeling. Please continue to talk about it here! Hugs and peace, Marsha

[PattyAnn]

Karen and Marsha,

Thanks. That helps. Just a kind word can mean so much. I wish I could just say to heck with 'em, but I've invested so much time, energy and yes, money in building friendships, but I'm to the point that maybe I should just bow out and figure another way.

Looking hard for another home, perhaps in another town. A fresh start might be the thing I need.

Pat

[karenb]

I don't know how long it's been for you, but that old expression, "one day at a time" may fit for you for a while. Try and hang in there, you're here so far, right? This day will go by - don't think too much - find a little something you can kind of enjoy and go with it. You'll be fine....just try to think some good thoughts for a little while.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Patty, we are here, and I am sorry no one is there with you, but you must be a godsend to send a friend money for groceries and to think of others in your own pain and lonliness. I wish you a good Thanksgiving and a day filled with peace as you remember this special man you had in your life. Remember, he has not left you, he resides even now inside of your heart.

Love,

KayC

[fred]

PattyAnn, Time and energy are good investments in friendship, money is not. If a friend needs some help and you have money to give, then by all means, do so. But never consider it an investment or a way of developing a friendship, it will only hinder the relationship. If you feel you have to give money to someone in need, friend or not, then do it quickly and forget about it. Money means nothing. That is hard to say when you don`t have any, I know, but it is still correct. We are friends here, period, end of statement. If these friends are dependent on your being able to supply them with something tangible, then I must suggest that they may not be friends at all.

I am sorry you are alone today. I woke up prefering to waste the day by myself, but knowing I also needed to spend time with both my own and my late wife`s family and to attend Church this morning. In the end, it was the right decision for me to get out of the house.

I also have to disagree vehemently with the comments about having to be over your grief in a year. I didn`t even find this group until almost the fourteenth month mark after spending the first year trying to avoid my grief. This second year has been as hard or even harder than the first because there was so much ¨grief work¨ that I had to get through. Guess you could say I had the crash course. So, fifteen months is not a long time, I am not even sure that you should be considering a big change like moving yet. One of the things we need to learn before we begin again is to learn who we are without our spouses and then to become comfortable with this new identity. Alone. This is a long and difficult process. The fresh start comes later. Trust me, I am almost an expert at doing things the wrong way.

Relax, take it easy, especially on yourself. You have the rest of your life to do things differently. Just practice ¨being¨ for now. ((Hugs)) and Prayers

[PattyAnn]

KayC,

Thank you for your kind words. The day is almost over. I made it. Kept real busy. Still hurt inside that no one called or e-mailed. I'm learning a lot during this process. Not necessarily things I want to learn about people. I'll keep trying, but it's been very disheartening to not hear from any one, so your sweet note sure helped!

Pat

Edited November 28, 2008 by PattyAnn

[PattyAnn]

Fred,

I concur with your premise about considering the money thing as an investment, etc. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but it didn't enter my mind I was trying to buy friendship. I certainly can see how that might occur or be viewed that way. I will be very careful from now on so as not to give the wrong impression.

Sorry you have had to become an "expert" in this grieving process. I will, however, watch your postings more carefully and learn from your experience. Right now I feel like I need all the advice I can get. I feel like I've made so many mistakes and it would be nice to just move and start all over. Some of the things I've learned is not to be so open about my feelings and my life. I'm finding that I am not a good judge on who I can trust. I've been let down several times by people I really, really thought had my best interests in mind. I was thinking they were good people and ones that I could trust. No more. Which is sad. I feel like I am becoming more and more like a reclusive loner. That's not what I had envisioned for my life, but out of self preservation I am becoming that way.

Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful words. I will take them to heart. I will slow down and enter friendships more slowly and carefully. In the meantime, I may have to vent here instead of with the people in the town where I live.

Pat

Edited November 28, 2008 by PattyAnn

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Hi Pat & Marsha, & any one else suffering the lonelies today,

I'm thankful that someone is here, too, on Thanksgiving. I managed to leave the house & go out to eat with my friends 85 year old Dad. I listened to him complain about his daughter, & I did my good deed for the day, I suppose, for I didn't want to go at all. When we returned to his house he started talking about his wifes hospitilization & death, & I started crying, & just told him Please, I can't talk about this right now. I couldn't handle it. His wife has been gone for 14 years, now, but this Man still loves her & misses her. & dreams about her. I listened to him reminisce about her for an hour, & he never asked me how I was doing with Pat's death...which is OK, too.

I do feel blesed, I heard from most of my family & 1 friend by phone, & just as I was leaving my house my neighbor called & invited me to eat with them, & said he'd baked an extra pie for me. A friend of mine told me recently about the Holiday thing, he said just think of it as another day, & I wish I could do that..maybe someday.

I made it through, though my friends, I did not recluse, & maybe I helped that old man just by listening.

Love,

Vickie

[fred]

Vickie, I am sure that you helped your elderly friend today, he will sleep well tonight.

Wendy sent me a piece not long ago about someone that had asked young children what love was. Many of the responses were funny, but the last one was about a four year old boy whose elderly neighbor had just lost his wife. The little boy walked over to his neighbor`s house and climbed on his lap as the old man sat on the porch. When asked what they talked about he replied,¨Nothing, I just helped him cry.¨

[Rosemary T]

Fred,

Looks like we are both on right now! It is good to just help someone cry sometimes. That is what I use this forum for. I am learning to just "be" right now. Boy is it hard. Today was very difficult because this was Lou's favorite Holiday. I did nothing and make no apologies. The people who care about me (few and far between) understood, the rest did not.....oh well.

I also am careful about relationships but then I always have been. This means that I must get very used to lonliness between now and when I am finally finished. Who knows when that will be.

I save my caring and helpfulness for stray animals that I happen to come into contact with (not too many but enough to keep me busy!) and the wildlife (raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, birds, etc). That is about the only thing that gives me any real sense of purpose. I guess that will do.

Happy thankgiving to those of you still on tonight. One more day done.

Rosemary

[LarrysGirl]

I wanted to stop in a say hello and let everyone know you are not alone on Thanksgiving, I'm here too. I missed Larry so much today. He was a great guy to have around on a holiday, he loved to cook. The best part was the end of the day and we had each other. Now the night has come and this is when my heart hurts the worse. The loneliness creeps in to join me once again. God I miss him. Hope everyone survived this day with warm memories. Deborah

[kath]

To all of you, we made it through another holiday...Congratulations. I'd like to share about the difference a year makes.

Last year, I was invited to Bob's daughter's house. It was good, because it was something totally different as she used to come here. Bob was big on us having our own traditional meal, even when it was just him and I. I would not have been able to cook last year. (I was still in the burning soup stage.) It took everything I had in me to just drive to J's house and it was was sad. There was no joy being as it was the first year Bob wasn't with us.

This year my kids insisted we stay home and have our own meal like we did with dad. I tried to get them to go to my sisters as they had already assumed we would be joining them. The kids fussed and I gave in, proud that they could stand up for what they wanted and happy I could back them up. At church I met someone who had no plans for the day. It bothered me that he was alone and he said it was hard for him to go places since his divorce. I said it was hard for us too because we missed Bob, so why not just join us. We had plenty of food. (My church and neighbors saw to that.) I was nervous having anyone new come, but it was okay. The kids agreed to it and the diversion was good for all of us.

I am proud of those of you that could recognize what it is you needed today...whether to be alone, join family, have a good cry, or share with someone who had less. It is a blessing to be able to acknowledge what we need when we need it and then go with it. Take good care. Kath

[JeanneC]

PattyAnn:

If I had stayed home, I would have been alone. Instead I went with a friend to Atlantic City. Something I would have never thought I would be doing this Thanksgiving. It was a good distraction, but obviously I would have preferred the traditional Thanksgiving. I did have a turkey dinner though.

Marsha:

I feel like you. I just could not sit with any family members with their families and have a social holiday. I just can't engage in any small talk and be depressed and depress everyone else.

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. Maybe next year for me will be different.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Fred's reply was right on, he is right, we do need to learn our new identity and get used to being alone, I have learned this the hard way. I am sorry that some of you had very hard holidays and were alone. It will get better with time, but the time between now and then, like Rosemary said, is hard. Yes, it is a good idea to vent here instead of to others, that way they don't get tired of hearing what they can't understand...the rest of us here, we DO know and understand.

Well we made it through another holiday. I had a hard time with what I am going through right now, all of the memories assailing me, it's almost like I'm knocked back to square one again only with a different person, only this time, I have my accumulated experience that I've learned from to help carry me through this time. I know I'll make it, I just have to go through my suffering and all of the tasks I must put one foot in front of the other for, and I WILL come out on the other side eventually...so you see, there IS hope, for all of us.

[marsha]

rosemary - so what's wrong with being Dr. Doolittle? I think it's great, actually. So I'll tell you a funny story. I closed the shop today - I always throw out extra bagels out back to the fox/rabbit/feral cats/birds that like them - they're always gone the next day. So I go out back to close up, and I see this one bagel I've thrown out with this "thing" on top of it. It's a field mouse - and it's about half the size of the bagel! Just knawing away and having a field day - he took one look at me and hauled ass, but no doubt got back to it when I left -

Jeanne - I hope you came out on the winning side!

Love you all, Marsha

[AnnC]

I posted this on another part of this site, but I found myself alone for Thanksgiving. My mother basically forgot about me. She has been widowed not quite two years, so I do feel that whatever she does to get through it is fine, but she invited herself to my sister's house in another state, and invited my brother along to drive her, and basically told me she was sure I could find something to do here!

Thanksgiving is hard -- my uncle collapsed at Thanksgiving in 1997, and died two weeks later; my ex-husband collapsed on Thanksgiving night in 2004 from the liver failure that killed him a year and a half later; my father collapsed Thanksgiving night in 2006 and died in hospice two weeks later; my cat got into the antifreeze and had to be put to sleep last Thanksgiving. And so although I thought I was fine being alone on that day, as it got closer I got more and more upset and stopped sleeping and couldn't figure out why?? Then I finally realized how many death anniversaries are associated with this holiday for some reason, and that it was REALLY affecting me.

I did end up going to a friend's for the turkey dinner, which was nice, but I was upset again when my mother did not call me as she had said she would. In the end I just chalked it up to my mother's grief, but I intend to horn in on SOMEBODY's Thanksgiving next year to be sure I'm not alone.

Ann

[JennO]

Hi everyone..it has been quite a while since I posted but I often check in to see what everyone has to say...I am three years, one month since my husband Jeff died. This Thanksgiving I couldn't stop thinking of him..what his favorite things were, what he would say as part of the conversations. I am lucky. I have a large family that was all together this holiday and I had our three year old son with me too. But what I have learned from this experience of grief is that I have little control over what will precipitate the tirade of grief and loss and loneliness, even amongst people that I love. I will never have him back and Rory will never have his dad. Even after all that..I made it through the day. Another landmark. Another success. Another day to cherish my memories of him and see him through our son. I have learned to give in to the sadness and not try to push it away, even though many people wonder why I still talk about him so much-I see their looks- I know that they think I should be moving on.

So..I had a good cry as I snuggled with our son at bedtime and remembered what great holidays were like with the love of my life.

[JeanneC]

Marsha and everyone else.

I won $600!!! Not the million I was hoping for, but I'll take what I can get.

Hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving.

Love,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Ann, I'm so sorry! Your mother is undoubtedly thinking of her own grief and not yours...yes, DO make other plans next year!

Jenn, It's so good to hear from you! I've often wondered about you and Chrissy, our young moms that lost their husbands...I hope you are doing all right.

Jeanne, Congratulations! How did you win $600?

[Rosemary T]

I guess that is why I almost wish I was much older. I just have such a hard time envisioning living like this for very long. Since I am 46 and in pretty good health I may have a few years of this miserable existance. I would love to think that one day I might get to the point that I look forward to life but right now I have to tell you that Kay's remark about putting one foot in front of the other until we get to the "other side" is about all I can think of. Maybe there are some people that never really recover and just "waste away". Remember that old saying? The "wasting away" disease sometimes meant cancer but it could also result from a broken heart.

Rosemary

[kayc]

Rosemary, the putting one foot in front of the other is meant to get you by in the hard times and adjustments...life doesn't stay in the same level of intensity or difficulty forever, we do eventually adapt. Wendy and Derek have found love in each other! And for those who choose to remain alone, they learn to cherish their friends and other activities. It isn't all going to be about doom and gloom. Right now I am in a hard spot in life, but I have the perspective of having been in hard places before and I know I'll get through this and even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, I know it is there...that's called faith and any of us can have it and practice it. You are right, 46 is young, you could have a lot of years left yet, but just as you couldn't have anticipated the wonderful life you would get with your husband, albeit short, neither can you begin to foresee what is left ahead for you before you get to join him...just trust that there ARE good things ahead and look forward to finding them.

Love,

KayC