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Am I The Only One All Alone?


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Does anyone else have this same problem? Right after my husband left, everyone said they would be there for me. I guess I thought it would be longer than a month. My daughter (18) says I should be initiating the contact but I already had. I leave messages, no one calls back. I tried to get in to a group session starting this month (with Hospice) and not even they called back. Am I now simply a throw-away? A misfit because I no longer have my other half? Every one else has their families and lives intact and it just doesn't seem fair.

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I know it can feel like you are alone, but you are not. The things you need are important enough to keep asking for. Don't take silence as an answer. I found that even though my world came to a complete and utter standstill, the rest of the world went on undisturbed. IF you haven't heard back from Hospice, call them again. It may be the message didn't get to the right person. Accidents happen. And as far as those people that wanted to help and can't be found, keep your eyes open, because there are new people you may not have even met that will be your biggest source of help.

You are far from being a misfit, but I understand how nothing feels normal anymore. I remember stomping around the back yard, mowing weeds, just crying for something to be normal again. The irony was, my husband, who had died just weeks earlier, was the most un-normal person I'd ever met. Nothing he did was by the book. He was a totally free spirit while on this earth, doing good things, but not because it was expected. He lived for the shock factor and it was that unexpected quality that I loved in him. It is also what I miss the most. Everyone else seems so boringly normal. Even though it is unfair, not having him here, is now my new normal.

Please let me know how your group turns out. Mine was a huge blessing.

Kath

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I hope you will continue to pursue the grief support group. My person to person one and this website are the only things that helped me maintain my sanity. It's not that my girls didn't and still do help but they have their own lives and families and that is how it is suppose to be.

I made such good friendships at my grief support group that 3 of us actually went to Florida together a couple of weeks ago and had a very good time.

I am a little over 13 months out and nighttime is still VERY lonely so I am going to have to find more evening things to do, but I don't want to get so busy that I don't allow time for me because it's when I get over tired that I really have meltdowns.

I hope you will find some help whether it be here or somewhere else. I know talking really helps me.

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Mossfire - - I lost my husband of 28 years two months ago and it feels like two days ago. It seems that other people, both friends and relatives, have either disappeared or they ignore the fact that Steve has died. I feel alone even when I'm speaking with them. Believe me, you are not the only one alone. I have flashbacks to the minute of his passing, much like PTSD and start crying. I think that it's probably a good thing that I am alone when that happens. I have not tried the bereavement support group, but after reading your entry, along with the answers from others who have gone through what we are going through, I believe that I will try it. I will be thinking about you and pray that you will find relief from this terrible pain.

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Mossfire and MrsPapaJohn,

I am sorry for your losses. What you are experiencing is, unfortunately, quite the norm, but as it was already mentioned, you will have new people that will enter your life and befriend you. It is not that you are not valuable, it's that others are uncomfortable in the role of being there for you. Often people view death as something contagious. Keep reaching out and most of all, keep coming back to this site, we do understand and relate to what you are going through as we've been there.

Kay

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Dear Ones,

The following is taken from an earlier post:

If you type the words "support group" into our site's search engine, you will be led to dozens of other posts on this very topic, which is a good indicator of how many differing opinions you will find. As others accurately point out, whether a support group would be helpful to you depends on many different factors, including your own needs and expectations, the purpose and composition of the group, and the skills of the group facilitator.

Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote,

A knowledge that another has felt as we have felt, and seen things not much otherwise than we have seen them, will continue to the end to be one of life’s choicest blessings.

It has been my experience as a grief counselor that effective grief work is not done alone, and whether we connect with others in person or online, I believe that support groups are invaluable. When we’ve lost a loved one, we need to connect with others who understand what grief is, who’ve suffered a similar loss, and who know what our sorrow feels like. At a time when it may be difficult for us to feel comfortable in the usual social settings, support groups give us a safe place to interact with others. Here we can express feelings without fear of being judged, and ask questions and get responses from others whose experiences may be similar to our own. These others listen willingly, and they share their stories of loss with us also. No one knows the pain of loss as well as someone else who is experiencing it, too. It’s also very reassuring to learn that what we are going through is normal.

Working our way through grief is some of the hardest work we will ever have to do, but realizing that we don’t have to do it all by ourselves can be life-affirming. One of the saddest realities about losing a loved one, whether that is a person or a cherished animal companion, is that friends and family members tend to be finished with our grief long before we are done with our own need to talk about it. That’s why it’s so important that we find understanding, non-judgmental listeners with whom we can openly acknowledge our reactions and experiences, express and work through our pain, and come to terms with what has happened to us.

Another benefit is that by sharing our loss and pain, we help one another. Eventually we find ourselves on the giving end of this compassion, reaching out through our own woundedness to the newly bereaved, helping them along, listening to them and offering them the hope that, just as we have survived our own losses, they will survive theirs also. Together, stumbling along the way and reaching out for help, pausing to offer comfort and walking on together, we can complete our journey. In the process, we learn to love and to be loved much more fully. It is one of the great lessons of loss.

I'd also like to draw your attention to the posts in this particular thread:

Group Therapy: Trying to Decide

See also: my post in this thread, Memories

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Since posting my comment above, the following has happened... I tried again tocall about the grief and suppport education seminar and was told again I had to leave a voice mail message which I couldn't do for fear of not getting a call back again, I wouldn't even leave my name because I was cryingtoo hard. About 45 minutes later, I received a call from a different grief counselor and I told her what had happened and she said she would contact them forme as well as come to see me on Thursday for a one on one. I also has my one on one yesterday with another grief counselor who gave me a flyer for a potluck that takes place later this month which I do plan on attending. My brother called last night and offered to fly me out to his home for a week to visit and help he and his wife out with their children while they attend a seminar in their city which I will do. I have considered going back to my former self (before I met my husband) which was being a loner and being the only one I could depend on but I can't because if I do it's erasing even more ofhim from my life and I won't do that. Somehow I will find the energy to keep making the calls and get the help with things I need done around the house. To Kath - Your post about having an un-normal life was so much like mine and my husband's. We always worked together to do the unexpected and keep others on their toes!

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Dear Mossfire, I lost my husband two months ago and yes, the support that I initially received has slackened off already. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, "life does go on" and I admit that at times I feel offended by that ... yesterday morning I was actually annoyed that the sun was shining in my garden as I felt it shouldn't be because Cliff is no longer here. Ludicrous? Yes, but I don't care. Be gentle with yourself and don't be ashamed to contact friends and be honest with them. I call people and say, "I just needed to hear your voice and talk about Cliff". Some of his closest friends (one or two men) are fine with that and tell me stories that I already know from 20 - 25 years ago, but it gives me comfort.

My oldest girlfriend lost her 2 year old son 9 years ago and she read a book which I have just ordered from Amazon. I can't remember the name of it at the moment (short term memory is really bad at the moment) but she said that the book tells you that this experience will re-write your address book for you. I know already that my cellphone has double the amount of numbers in it now, and that the numbers/people I thought would be calling me or that I would be calling are in fact different ... in other words, some of the last people I thought would be supportive are, and some of the people I thought would be by my side are not.

I really hope that your support group works out for you ... persist at it :D Draw strength from this message board and know that WE care about you, Boo

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Boo, what you are saying is all too true! It may change even more as time goes by. I just purchased a new address book and was surprised at how few names/numbers I need to copy into it. But the people on this grief site are amazing and have become like a family to me. It's hard for my family/friends to understand that people you have never physically met can be so close, but there is more than one avenue to intimacy and the written word is another valuable tool.

Mossfire, I am glad you are on your way to getting some support, maybe getting to be with family is just what you need right now! You will undoubtedly find a "new normal" for yourself in time, neither what you were before your husband, nor what you were when you were with him, but something entirely different altogether...it is that which we are all embarking upon discovering.

I wish you the best with these new support groups and people!

Kay

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I've only read one book that really hit home for me so far - I couldn't put it down, but I've not been able to read anything else yet due to a lack of concentration. It was The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I've tried to get some people to read it so that they would at least get some insight into what I'm going through, but no one will. My mother won't even read it because she is afraid of what it might say - after you lose the love of your life, your best friend, your life as you knew it, what more is there to fear? I've noticed I've lost fear. My worst fear came true.

I wish I could be of some help to people who are just starting this process, but at three months, I feel like it was yesterday and I don't know how or why I've survived this long. It is a miserable state of being. I agree that your address book DOES change. People I could count on for 10-20 years all but disappeared even though they used to show up or call all the time. They even end up saying the worst things when strangers seem more understanding. I, too, get angry that "life goes on" for others when mine stood still and didn't start back.

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Mossfire- i understand what you're saying about going back to "your former self". If you take that former self, and add to it what you learned through your marriage, you honor both yourself as a person and yourself as a loving wife to your husband. How could you lose him? He'll be in your heart forever, no matter what path you choose. My Joe was like yours and Kath's as well - there was never a dull moment! And I miss that more than anything. I had 28 years before I met him, and 24 years with him, and yet now struggle to find out exactly who I am by myself. I know and feel that I gave as much as I got in our marriage, but still there's that emptiness that's so hard to grasp. Among all my friends, I was the last to get married, and the first to get widowed. Sometimes it's hard to explain myself and what my grief entails - except for here, where I can.

Mel - I read Joan Didion's book in one sitting - then read it over. I'm paraphrasing her thoughts, but when she said her husband's death changed her beliefs of sanity, luck, love, life...oh, that spoke to me so clearly. I was initially afraid to read it, but I'm so glad I did. I'm glad you found comfort in it, too. Peace, guys, Marsha

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Notcoping, what you said really did resonate with me ... when you said that you have no fear now. I feel the same way ... I have no fear of flying anymore, in fact I welcome it! In a childish way, I feel closer to my husband when I am flying at 30000 feet in the air. Also, I have no fear of death anymore as I know that he will be there waiting for me, but I do have fear of pain still!

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing,

Boo

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I feel closer to my husband when I am flying at 30000 feet in the air.

You reminded me of two things with this statement...The summer after Bob died, my kids still wanted to go to the local fair. I had no desire to go, but brought them so they could have fun. My son talked me into going on this ride where you sit in a swing and circle around. That one ride, I could have gone on a hundred times, because that feeling of flying and freedom brought me closer to Bob than I'd felt in months. I closed my eyes and it felt like we were together once again.

The second thing I was reminded of was when I was having a rough time, Bob brought me a handmade coupon for a hot air balloon ride. It was something I'd always wanted to do and couldn't wait to share with him. Life got in the way and we never had the ride. As I was sitting at his grave before that same carnival, the truck came just to the other side of the cemetery and started giving tethered hot air balloon rides. I sat and watched for the longest time, mourning the ride I'd never have with Bob, yet content somehow, as it felt like a message to go on and still do those things I had dreamed of. It was like he was still there, encouraging me. I get that same feeling, Mossfire, that your husband is looking out for you. Like he's saying, "What do you mean leave a message? I'll have them call her!"

Not coping, you are helping, even after three months. I didn't find this site for over a year and to hear all of you talking about your grief when it is so fresh, awakens all the feelings I wasn't able to talk about back then. It all helps in making each of us feel less alone, less obscure. Each of you is a blessing to me. And your willingness to reach out at this most difficult time in your own journeys touches me deeply.

Marsha and Mel, I gotta get that book!

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