kayc Posted April 22, 2009 Report Share Posted April 22, 2009 I recently saw a picture of myself taken just ten years ago. I look at myself now and see how much I've aged. Stress has definitely taken its toll on my youth. In the last nine years I've gone through the loss of a husband, a dog, four cats, and have gone through two divorces, lost two jobs, and had my income cut way down and my bills substantially increase. I've gone through empty nest and a child in the military. I've seen my mother lose her mental faculties and the economy go south.Is it any wonder my face shows it? Do you ever wonder just how much we can endure? Does it get any better? What happened to the life we all once had? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted April 22, 2009 Report Share Posted April 22, 2009 Kay - when you find out the answers, please let me know! Sometimes I have a vision of myself caught in a tornado's wind, just spiralling around and around. I know I'm not the same person I was - but there are also times I know I've learned--things. For me, the original control freak - I've learned to let some of that go, because I've realized I simply don't have control. To me - you are a beautiful soul. The heck with the mirror! Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 Kay, I know what you mean. I don't recognize myself anymore. I sure didn't see this change coming, its taken place these last three years. It makes me sad really, Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 KayI have said the same thing. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 15 months. I'm 61 and 2 years ago people would think I was in my mid 40's but they probably think I'm closer to 70 now. I know my cheeks are much more sunken - not that I want to gain weight because I sure don't need that. I think a lot of it is that I used to always smile and could come up with a song for almost any situation but I've lost my smile and spontinaity. I hope someday I get it back. I know that part of it is 1/2 of me is gone. I just have to find something to fill that hole. Today I did take Tom's jeans out of the closet and put them in a box in the basement and I made it through. This is a major step for me.Take care of yourself and remember you've been through much more than most of us on here (except for maybe Kim). You too are pretty much in a tie.You are doing great for all you've been through and I know part of it is still not over. Just take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 Kay, I don't know what you used to look like so I don't know if you are being too harsh on yourself. It's funny because I have always looked "good for my age" but I found myself thinking the other day that I wouldn't be surprised to see myself aging rapidly over the next couple of years.What I will say though is that I personally think that yourself and mlg, as well as marsha and a few others have been my shining lights since I came on this Forum. You are always calm and patient (outwardly at least ) and give really good advice. It is amazing that you can go through what you go through and still give ... because you really do whether you realize it or not. You give so much to me and to everyone that joins this board. You help us find our feet, you help us have the courage to keep posting initially, you share your own pain and manage to give SENSIBLE advice, so that the Board is safe because Marty couldn't possibly find the time to check every post all day long.I agree - you are beautiful. And you know what, if you are beautiful inside, you are outside, even if you look older. And who cares? No-one's going to see me naked anyhow.Hugs and xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 I don't feel these responses are just to me, but to all of us...yes, we have aged and can see it and will undoubtedly age more, and grief speeds up that process. But if you compare where I was to where I am now, you can see I've aged way more than I should have.(Then and now...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 I think that we will all will or we all have aged far more than we ought to have because of grief, but that said, still think you are a beautiful person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrspapajohn Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 Kay - - I think that you are beautiful - - and not just because of the beautiful things you say and do for all of us. You just are really beautiful.Kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 Boo, I don't mean to interrupt this thread, but in the interest of full disclosure, I feel a need to respond to your statement that ". . . Marty couldn't possibly find the time to check every post all day long." I think it's important for our members to know that while I don't "sit" on this board day and night, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I do, indeed, check it several times a day, and I do read each and every single message that is posted in each and every forum on this site. That is what Hospice of the Valley expects me to do, as one of the moderators of our Grief Healing Discussion Groups ~ and that is one of the characteristics that sets our site apart from so many others out there in cyberspace. Research has demonstrated that message boards for the bereaved can be powerful sources of healing, provided that they are professionally monitored. Although I read every single post, you will notice that I do not respond to each and every message that is posted, and that is intentional on my part. I will "jump in" now and then to answer a specific question, to point someone to another resource, or simply because I have something to say ~ but I do not see myself as the "expert" here. I see each of you as the experts in your own individual grief experience. I am here to protect, support, encourage and inform ~ but also to learn, too ~ and you all are the most wonderful, generous and compassionate teachers I could ever hope to find. Beautiful, too, I might add Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostnEmpty Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 I recently saw a picture of myself taken just ten years ago. I look at myself now and see how much I've aged. Stress has definitely taken its toll on my youth. In the last nine years I've gone through the loss of a husband, a dog, four cats, and have gone through two divorces, lost two jobs, and had my income cut way down and my bills substantially increase. I've gone through empty nest and a child in the military. I've seen my mother lose her mental faculties and the economy go south.Is it any wonder my face shows it? Do you ever wonder just how much we can endure? Does it get any better? What happened to the life we all once had?Kay, I'm in no condition to give advice and i wouldn't know what advice to give seeing how i am lost and depressed but i do want to say that i ask those same questions and more everyday. i don't have any answers for them and i wish i truly did.I fully agree with everthing that Boo wrote in her response to you. That you are beautiful inside and out and the fact that you and others on this forum continue to help others like me, give advice and hope while you have suffered and might continue to suffer through your loss as well as other things in your life that seem impossible to handle. You, Marc's baby that i have inside me, and everyone here are my inspiration to keep trying and not give up no matter how much i want to and feel i can't go on. It's hard realizing the tole stress takes on a person but if it can effect us inside then it will effect us out especially all of what everyone here has and continues to go through. But the physical aspect is not important, its who you are and how you survive that is more important. I know that in the last 2 months since Marc's death i don't look the same and the grief and sadness will continue to show as I live on. I hate that fact but it is inevitable for all of us. Anyway just remember to be the wonderful person you are, it outshines anything you may think the stress and grief has done to your looks. I have seen the pictures and you look just as pretty as you did 10 years ago. Even though your in pain I didn't see that in the picture. i hope that helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 Kay - I just downloaded your pictures - and I have to agree with Talia. You were beautiful 10 years ago, and you're beautiful now. You're being very hard on yourself. I looked at a picture of myself taken some years ago also, but irregardless of what I've gone through, I can't deny that the 43 year old looks a lot different than the 53 year old! I just look like my scrawny self has lived a life. Nothing a good massage and facial can't help! Love you, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 Marsha, I had to laugh out loud at the "nothing a facial and a massage wouldn't help", maybe that's what I need! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeann Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 I haven't lost my husband. But I hope you don't mind if I share something with you...I've experienced grief and especially so in the last almost 9 years now.I have been around others who have experienced grief & trauma. And I have seen it... in ALL of our faces & bodies. Male & Female.My husband had some fairly intense involvement in a helping capacity after 9/11. (I lost my father just 6 months after 9/11) I, because of him, was also involved in a much smaller capacity around anniversaries, holidays and other Memorials.He and his co-workers have gotten together a few times over the years. Looking at the pictures taken immediately following 9/11 & then the ones taken at some of these get togethers.... the changes are almost hard to accept. The before and after shots of only less than a year out from 9/11....were literally... astounding.Even only months afterwards... Marriages began to crumble.... (No question .. it isn't easy to love those who jump to the needs of others in a heartbeat. And it is very hard to accept that others need your spouse and need them for quite a long time .... more than you and your kids do.)And ....Faces and bodies were aging... rapidly.And then...... Quite a few bodies... gave out. Very suddenly. And at too early an age.And they are still giving out fairly regularly on people way too young.And so ...we grieve some more. The toll was high and remains that way. But of course...the ones who remain would all jump in again to help if the need arose. The first time I noticed this tremendous aging on my husband and his fellow workers... I cried. It made me so very sad. And then the co-workers.. all too soon.. began dying themselves. (The terrorists are not done killing us yet..)That made me (and hub) even more sad. And it ... I will admit... frightened me.So... we aged some more. Yet.... WHY they aged.... WHY their marriages dissolved.... WHY their bodies failed them...was because they chose to love & serve others through a very horrifyingly difficult time. And in the meantime... we experienced other significant losses in our own families.I have come to the conclusion that...Life & love isn't neat. A life well lived.. is messy. Very messy. And ya know... that dirt of life.. it can splatter on our faces... and on our bodies.However... the mess of life... well... I'd rather (and of course they would rather, obviously from their choices) be up to my eyeballs in it. Sure.. we could sit back and stay nice & clean. Keep to ourselves... let others get messy... or do the hard things. We could have chosen to stay single. We could have chosen not to be parents. We could have chosen not to love someone and be "married" only to a career or job. We could have chosen not to be "present" & active in our communities or churches... and lend a hand when it was needed. We could have stayed home. But.. we didn't... nor did you.For me.. and for hub and his friends (and you all)... that just was not an option. That, apparently, to us... wasn't living really. It wasn't living the life we wanted.So I thought about all of that. And.. at first I felt the sadness of the aging... and then.. it kind of went to a resignation to the aging... and finally.. I began to just accept it. I realized that the aging.... was something so much more.It doesn't make me sad as much anymore. It makes me more proud. ANd it makes me more humble.It makes me more content. It makes me more hopeful.... than afraid.So truly... now.... when I look into those aging eyes.... rimmed with dark caverns worthy of their own zipcodes....hair that used to be a soft chesnut brown or golden blonde.... now bottled blonde or red or left to silver... bodies beaten up... faces that are now gaunt & tight with many lines... I see the value of that soul.The caverns don't matter.... nor does the color of their hair....nor do the weaknesses cropping up in their bodies ... or the lines that crease their faces. They don't matter.... because what I see now is the beauty of their souls. All I feel is an awe and honor to be among them, loved by them and be touched by them and have in turn an opportunity to love & touch them in some way.And.. ya know... turns out....I'm kinda more into souls than appearances.But.. that's me. Just my two cents...So if your aging is bothering you... I'd take a good look at your soul. Trust me... it's "Magazine Cover" worthy.leeann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 Leann, what a wonderful and exhaustive reply! It couldn't have been addressed more adeptly!I'm glad you're a lover of souls...Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted April 26, 2009 Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 apologies, didn't mean to mislead. I'm amazed at your commitment and thank you for it xxxxBoo, I don't mean to interrupt this thread, but in the interest of full disclosure, I feel a need to respond to your statement that ". . . Marty couldn't possibly find the time to check every post all day long." I think it's important for our members to know that while I don't "sit" on this board day and night, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I do, indeed, check it several times a day, and I do read each and every single message that is posted in each and every forum on this site. That is what Hospice of the Valley expects me to do, as one of the moderators of our Grief Healing Discussion Groups ~ and that is one of the characteristics that sets our site apart from so many others out there in cyberspace. Research has demonstrated that message boards for the bereaved can be powerful sources of healing, provided that they are professionally monitored. Although I read every single post, you will notice that I do not respond to each and every message that is posted, and that is intentional on my part. I will "jump in" now and then to answer a specific question, to point someone to another resource, or simply because I have something to say ~ but I do not see myself as the "expert" here. I see each of you as the experts in your own individual grief experience. I am here to protect, support, encourage and inform ~ but also to learn, too ~ and you all are the most wonderful, generous and compassionate teachers I could ever hope to find. Beautiful, too, I might add Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted April 27, 2009 Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Hi, Kay.When I first saw your picture, I thought, at least she is still pretty. I feel that ship has sailed for me (in a hurry, too.) This week I go back to work for some people and I'm afraid that they won't even recognize me! I have to think, that what I've lost in looks, has tripled in Wisdom. At this stage of the game, that is better than some other alternatives. Leanne stated it beautifully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted April 27, 2009 Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 I just read an amazing book called "Crooked Angels" and it is a true story. It's very relevant to this topic so you may be interested to read it too. Basically what I learned from this book is that everything you experience in life is reflected in your body somewhere ... from a wrinkle to a broken bone.http://www.amazon.com/Crooked-Angels-Carol...205&sr=8-10Here is the Review'This is the beginning of the story told in my body. I go to bed as the woman I am: an author, playwright, journalist, lecturer. I have friends, a house, health. I play the piano, play tennis, swim, dance, hold parties. By the time I wake up in the morning, this description of my life isn't true any more.' This is an unconventional detective story - starting with the nightmare scenario of a woman who wakes up one morning to discover that her body no longer works and that there appears to be nobody who can provide either a diagnosis or a cure. Until one day an osteopath tell her there is an emotional component to her body's pain. 'It is suffering for something in the past.' Buried in her own childhood, and in the pasts of her parents and grandparents, the author discovers and pieces together a chronology of covert damage, incidents that have combined and snowballed to produce these symptoms in herself so many years later. And she discovers that by finding and facing these elements of trauma, she can outface the physical symptoms, and return to physical fitness - not to her old self, but rather to a new and better-understood self, one that has come to terms with its confusions and dissatisfactions. Some readers may consider the author's intricate detailing of pains unduly solipsistic, and similarly her complete certainty that the bodily damage originated principally in her relatives' insensitivity, rather than in any more physical cause. However, this book will appeal to anyone who understands the inevitability of the path from actions and occurrences in the past to the actualities of today. (Kirkus UK) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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