So Down Today :(

[timeless]

Not doing well at all today. I have so much to worry about and nothing can be put on a back burner. It's all slamming me in the face, and I just can't take it! Our son is sick, and I am so worried. I don't know whether to take him to the doctor or not. My cats are driving me nuts, and I have a new baby kitten that is sick. My 7 year old cat has hairballs that are out of control. My house hasn't been cleaned, at least not well, since Chris died. I just don't have the energy or desire to do it. The bills are stacking up. I can't get ahold of Social Security. The death certificates have still not come. I think Jake's health insurance has lapsed because of Chris's death. The air conditioner keeps freezng up and it's very hot in the apartment and that's driving my electric bill up. I've done, like, three loads of laundry since Chris passed and only cuz Jake needed school clothes. Works ok, but I missed today because Jake is sick and will mostly likely miss tomorrow too. I can't stop crying no matter what I do. I was not ready for this! I was not ready to be alone and to be a single mom.

I am still angry at him for leaving me! I want him back so bad it hurts...all the time. I am sooooooo lost! My mom does the best she can, but there isn't anything she can really do and she's going to need heart surgery soon. My sister works all the time and lives so far away. My boss really doesn't understand that my world has fallen apart and it takes more than an extra week to "take control of my life" as she put it. It's all just too, too much. It doesn't feel as if it's ever going to get easier. Why must I be stuck here with all this? It hurts so much! Why oh why did this have to happen????????

[kayc]

timeless,

With all that you have on your plate right now, you are undoubtedly feeling overwhelmed...I remember feeling like that too. It helps me to make a list of what needs done and then look at that list and prioritize it, tackling one thing at a time. Maybe start with things that don't take much time, like making a phone call about the whereabouts of the death certificate. It shouldn't take long to get it and it's needed for so many things.

You should be able to Cobra Jake's insurance and they should have given you the information on it. You may need to call the employer and ask them about it, tell them you did not receive any information on it...you do have a period of time to do that in and they can pick up the back dates.

Try not to worry unduly about the house...if you cleaned it, it'd just need redone in a week anyway.

Can you make a trip in to the social security office? I've found it is sometimes quicker to go in than it is to call, hold, get voice messaging, etc. Or maybe it's just less frustrating...

It's okay that you feel angry...it may not make sense to be angry at someone for dying, but that's okay, it doesn't need to make sense...I long ago quit trying to make sense out of my emotions, they are just to deal with.

Try not to worry about your boss, people who haven't been through it really don't understand. The Serenity Prayer has helped me a lot in reminding me to accept the things I cannot change...and a boss fits into that category. In fact, a lot fits into that category. When I've been through the worst places in my life, I would wake up, look in the mirror, and tell myself, every morning, "It's not going to be like this forever". We can't always change our circumstances, but we do adapt eventually, even when we think we can't. Right now you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but trust me, every one of us has been there and most of us who are three or four years out have gotten somewhat better at coping than we felt possible at first...that is the light.

I'm sorry your little boy is sick, I will pray for him tonight, and for your cat and kitten, and for you. Hang in there, it won't be like this forever.

Love,

Kay

[dpodesta]

Timeless,

I remember that feeling all too well. It has benn over 3 years now for me so thing have gotten a lot easier but even now sometime I still get that overwhelmong feeling. Being a single parent when we didn't choose to be is a major pain. You are correct if your husband held the insurance for your family it ended the day of his death which majorly sticks. Just try and take one item at a time. For your cats tyr Purina hair ball formula cat food. I have a medium to long haired cat and that is what I feed her and she hasn't had any hairballs in the 2 years that I have had her, maybe at least this will be less thing for you to worry about. Anyway just keep coming back here and there are a lot of people that will be here to support you.

Love always

Derek

[fred]

Timeless, Sorry to hear of all you have going on right now. Over and over it seems that everything comes crashing down all at once and we feel we´ll never be able to crawl out from under it. But we do. Little by little, sorting through the things that are important and really need to be done and setting aside those that can wait until we can deal with them. Of course, your son´s health (and yours) are most important. Do you have any close friends, or friends of your husband that could help you with some of these things. They may really wish to help, but are not aware of what you need help with. I hope life eases up on you soon, like maybe today.

[WendyJ]

Timeless I know all too well how you feel as anyone here can tell you. I would go into these panics about things I could not fix or things I did not know how to do and you know what? I still don't but somehow you get through it all and things tend to work themselves out, and for me I just started my third year. You are getting very overwhelmed and I know how that is because I tend to get that way when things pile up on me, if there is too much to do I don't do any of it. But I do know that if I force myself to do at least one thing it does help me to keep going. As far as the cat if you can get yourself out and go to the pet store there is a product called Petromalt that works very well. As far as health insurance you are still covered by law and should have been sent paperwork to continue on Cobra Insurance. I believe it is for a good couple years or so, you will have to check into it by calling where he worked, but by law they have to offer it to you and they are already in trouble by not sending you information, please call them ASAP. Good luck to you, remember we all have or are exactly where you are, you do not have to do this alone.

Love Always,

Wendy

[WendyJ]

Here is the link having to do with Cobra insurance, I hope this works. It says by law they should have notified you within 14 days of his passing or be fined daily, and the way I do it here at work is regular mail and certified mail. It also states that you and any children will be covered for up to 36 months, the only problem is you are responsible to pay for this but you might want to check with all these new laws that have gone into effect on how much. I know that someone who just got fired here is covered also under Cobra and we have to pay 65% and he only has to pay 35% so the same may be for survivor benefits. Please let me know what you find out.

Love Always,

Wendy

http://www.cobrainsurance.com/COBRA_FAQ.ht...d%20beneficiary?

[timeless]

Thanks for all the support. Cobra won't work because Chris was on Social Security/Disability. He was legally blind and not employed. He and Jake both were on state insurance. I will just have to get DES to call me back. I've already called them (last week as a matter of fact) and still not heard from them. I plan on calling Social Security today after I take Jake to the doctor and sit on hold if I have to and notify them. Chris's money already went into the bank, but I'm not touching it in case I have to send it back. I don't want to be in trouble for using it since he is gone now. I am going to call the funeral home and see if they know anything about the death certificates since that is who I ordered them through.

I don't think the word "overwhelmed" does justice to the way I feel. No words do.

[leeann]

Timeless I'm so sorry. ((((((Hugs)))))

I tried looking up some info for you.

Have you seen this page?

http://www.ssa.gov/pgm/links_survivor.htm

I hope that site may be able to guide you somewhat anyway.

And I sure hope your son is feeling better real soon.

I'll be thinking of you.

leeann

[WendyJ]

Okay now, if you have a child/or children under the age of 19 they are entitled to 75% of his disability. My husband was on disability also, but our children were older. Now when I said they are entitled, it means the money can be used by you to feed and put a roof over their heads and clothing etc. I got a couple checks from Steve's benefits also after his passing, believe me some how they find out right away that they have passed and rarely make a mistake, I believe the checks are paid going back and not forward so you should be entitled to them, but just check first. Here is another link you may want to check into. Your best bet is to do like I did which is to make an appointment at the local Social Security office and get it over with. I do remember crying on my way there, crying at the persons desk and crying all the way home, but I did it and so will you even though it is very hard. You need to keep your bills paid to keep a roof over your head okay? Yes you will need the death certificate, and I believe a few other things like birth certificate and maybe Social Security Card. Ask them when you make the appointment what you need to bring so you don't have to go through it twice. Here is the link:

Love Always,

Wendy

http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/10084.html#3

[leeann]

Also this page:

http://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/deathbenefits.htm

Sorry if I'm throwing info at you that you already have.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann

[Boo Mayhew]

Timeless

I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I know that it has taken me four months to finally get through all the paperwork and financial stuff. But that's because I did it at my own slow pace. Also I put off doing stuff because I didn't want to face it ... it was like admitting that he'd gone. You will feel better when it's done though ... I needed help with some of it, and sometimes I bring stuff into work because I need someone to sit with me for moral support.

Do what works for you, at YOUR pace.

I really liked what Kay suggested BTW ... it sounds like a good plan to me.

I hope that your son is better today and will join Kay in saying a prayer for him and your pets, and you.

xx

[timeless]

Thank you all for your help. Jake was truly sick. I took him in a week ago Tuesday to find out he had a ruptured appendix. He was hospitalized until last Sunday. I so know Chris is probably angry with me for not taking him in the Sunday he first got sick, but the doctors said it wasn't my fault. He's ok now. They did surgery to remove his appendix and clean out the infection. It doesn't relieve my guilt, but bottom line, he is ok.

I finally got a hold of Social Security and had my appointment today. Death benefits have already been applied for and they are sending me the application for benefits for Jake. I don't get any since I work. I picked up Chris's death certificates yesterday and cried all night. I lost it at work this morning too. It's so hard. It's so hard. It's as if I am letting go of him. I don't want to let go! I told my boss's boss (who is doing the life insurance claim for me) that I felt as if the love of my life has been reduced to a piece of paper and a box of ashes. I had to leave his office because I started crying even harder.

And Boo, I read your blog on the guilt. I so feel like that right now. Could I have done more? He had a sore throat for a couple of months before ever going to the doctor. Should I have insisted that he go sooner? Would it have made a difference? I know the ENT who did Chris's surgery screwed up big time. I plan on addressing that later when I'm stronger and more able to deal with it.

For those who might want to know, the baby kitten is better. My sister (who is a vet tech) got me some antibiotics for her. She's doing well now and I have added another baby....that makes 8 cats. I think I am overcompensating for the loss of my husband, but can't help it. Or maybe it's just some rebellion for him leaving me. He would be livid over so many cats. Not that he didn't love cats, but that's way too many for a small two bedroom apartment. But I am moving before the end of the summer. We planned on moving into a house. I am going to KEEP that plan! For Chris....and me and Jake.

Today has been really rough. Lots of crying and missing him. I still feel as if life is not supposed to go on without him. People are starting to go back to normal, their compassion waning. It hurts. It hurts, because they don't understand that my life is still in shreds...and will be for a very long time.

[ELHG]

Try not to feel guilty about anything... all the "could-a would-a should-a's in the world won't change anything. Do cry... as much and as often as you need to. It is your release. I've been doing a lot of unexpected crying lately... I always feel better afterwards.

When you're really feeling down, could you write about it? Sometimes just putting your feelings down on paper helps you sort things out. Journaling about my life as a widow x2 has helped me a lot. My journal is in the form of a blog. Please feel free to read some of it if you would like to.

It's called My Widow's Walk.

You will find it here. http://my-widows-walk.blogspot.com

From your friend, ELHG

[valley]

Dear Timeless,

It sounds like you have made great strides forward in a short time. Be proud of that. So glad that Jake is on the road to recovery.

For me, crying is a release for some of the pain inside.

Take care and be gentle with yourself,

Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Timeless, glad the blog helped ... just remember guilt is a natural part of the mourning/grieving process ... and it's what I call unjustifiable guilt as opposed to justifiable guilt (e.g. if you killed someone).

Making the distinction in my mind has helped me ... although it hasn't stopped the demons visiting me ... I'm sure they will for sometime till I move past "that phase" for the final time, possibly in a couple of years? I kind of trampoline around landing on words: GUILT, ANGER, FEAR ETC ... landing on them at random, over and over again.

What I have learned is I have to embrace the feelings rather than fight them. This goes against all human nature, but once I did it, I found it less of a struggle, even if the pain levels are the same ... not fighting gives me more peace.

Take care, and hey, you deserve more cats if you want. You've suffered enough. Also there are two many cats that are unloved out there ... so to give one your love is a good thing to do.

[MartyT]

Dear Boo and ELHG,

Just so you know, I've placed links to your blogs (Boo's Journey through Widowhood and My Widow's Walk) on the Death of a Spouse or Partner page of my Grief Healing Web site, and you'll find them listed here: http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-spouse-partner.htm

[Boo Mayhew]

Marty, I am honoured.

Hugs,

Boo x

Dear Boo and ELHG,

Just so you know, I've placed links to your blogs (Boo's Journey through Widowhood and My Widow's Walk) on the Death of a Spouse or Partner page of my Grief Healing Web site, and you'll find them listed here: http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-spouse-partner.htm