Getting Through Holiday Weekends, And More Stuff

[marsha]

My friends - I haven't posted a lot recently, but I read every day. I'm at 10 1/2 months. The waves still hit - the last one several weeks ago was a surge of guilt - why? Because I wasn't superwoman, and I had to continue working. A lot of journaling with that - but that's just a smokescreen- I was guilty because I felt I abandoned Joe, not being with him 24-7. I know it's hindsight, and I also know if I had closed our business, we would have had zero income and we both would have been stressed. I also know being with him 24-7 would have resulted in one of us killing each other - he was a hard patient, and I would have driven him crazy. Oh, boy, this is just coming out... I've come to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and in my house - but the problem is, after working 70 hours a week, I don't want to leave my house! Especially on a weekend like this, when I see couples and families setting off to have fun, without a care. I know I'm being hard on myself, I just need some feed back that wanting to be alone is not abnormal. Hugs, Marsha

[valley]

Marsha,

It is almost 6:30 pm on a Friday night at my house. I am alone. I choose that.

I worked in the garden today, off and on, and each time I came in the house there were message on my machine. Invites out. People are reaching out to me. But, here I am alone.

I wish you didn't feel guilt about keeping your business going. I was at Tom's side so much, but I do remember one time walking in his hospital room and he was sitting in a chair, into hospital life, and he said, "you are here so early" and I knew he was not into seeing me then. I visited a bit and then took off. Did my own thing that day. I felt hurt. But I know that being together all the time can also be hard on everyone. It was hard on me and yet I couldn't stay away. My daughter insisted on the phone that I go out and do some things for me. You would have been working for both of you. I did my little things. What you want to do is wave your hand and have everything return to normal. I found that our relationship was intense.....both good and bad. I did know that we loved each other so much, but that each of us was having such a hard time processing each days bad news.

I am glad you feel more comfortable in your skin, in your house. When you work so much, you want to stay home! That is natural. For everyone. When I worked, the place I most wanted to be ....was home....with Tom. Now I work in a different way.......turned over a garden bed today, planted an Echinacea plant, weeded, watered, bought the paper down at the little neighbor store.......and I WANT to stay home. That is ok.

Tomorrow I am going to a benefit for a daughter of a friend of mine.....she has cancer. She is only early 40's. She needs funds to keep the battle going. I do things, but not that much social. I am trying to make myself do one thing a week. A little goal.

I too fell apart this week......totally. I could not sleep or stop yelling. I am all alone in a big house out in the country and I can act up and fall apart and then work to pull myself back together. Try to do better the next day. I hope you like your job, your business. I hope you love it. I haven't heard you say.

I am alone tonight with you. Let's just try to enjoy it!

Your friend, Valley

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Marsha, its perfectly okay to want to stay home, especially after working so many hours. I get lonely but I prefer alot of my time by myself. I think I get lost in my thoughts and sometimes I just get tired of "defending" myself, which is how I feel most of the time. I know people are trying to help but I get defensive at some suggestions about what I "should" be doing. Sometimes I'm too tired to deal with it. Really, being alone for me is when I get some peace. Take it easier on yourself, if you want to rest, retreat let yourself do it! Holidays don't have the same meaning for me anymore, before there would be the great cookout and family, now everyday is the same. Deborah

[marsha]

Thank you, Deb and Valley - when I read your replies this morning it helped my heart to know you got it. After a busy day, I walked down to the beach and read for about an hour and a half, interspersed with just looking at the ocean. After living near the ocean all our married life, we must have gone to the beach a thousand times. It was strange - I could not sense Joe, but I almost felt if I looked to my left, he'd be sitting there. My mind wandered to all those times of watching him body surf; if it was really hot he would wring out his pony tail over my legs to cool me off. I feel like my grief has lodged itself in my very being. No, it's not as intense, but it still hurts so much. It's just deeper now. Valley - I've been gardening my behind off - I just made pesto from my out of control basil. It makes me feel good to pinch, and water, and watch something grow. hugs and peace, marsha (p.s. - I do love my business)

[jack's mom]

I, soo, prefer to be alone much of the time or just with my immediate family. My son died in a car accident 5 months ago next week and it just seems to be getting harder and harder. When I'm just with the family, they understand if I start crying out of nowhere (and vice versa) and just put their arms around me or hug me. No words are needed because they know what I'm feeling. With others, they try so hard and I appreciate their efforts, but it's usually a bit uncomfortable for me. As the month markers approach, I get especially upset and unable to function very well. I hope that will get better over time.

Jack's Mom

[kath]

Marsha,

I was able to spend the last week with Bob in the hospital only because my boss at the time gave me the time off with pay. If not, I would have gone to work because of the same responsiblity for our welfare that you had for you and Joe. I am glad you are comfortable in your home now. I love being home better than anywhere else. It hasn't always been that way. It used to be that Bob was around everywhere here yet nowhere and I didn't know what was worse. I drove myself insane just being home. Now it feels safe. We need safe. We need comfort. We need peace. If you get that after an exhausting week of work, more power to you. What you said about grief lodging itself in you feels so true. It's just always there.

[kayc]

Holidays are tough and I feel like I'm double mourning...every time I see a Harley go by it hurts inside because of John and every time I see a camper go by it hurts because of George. It feels like everyone is enjoying this weekend except for me. I don't want to be at work, I have things to catch up at home and I need the down time, but neither do I like being home alone for three days. If it wasn't for my dog, Arlie, I'd go nuts. (By the way, did anyone see "Marley & Me"? That's my Arlie! Only Arlie is cuter and incredibly loving.)

Holidays suck. Period. Sorry, that's how I feel.

[mlg]

Amen, Kay

Tom always apologized for our "boring" life but I am so glad we didn't do a lot of things or I would be missing them too.

[David'sGirlStill]

Friends,

This is all too hard. David's Bday was Friday and the 3 month mark was Saturday. I feel like I'm back at step one. I cant stop crying and I keep wishing David would come get me. I thought I was dooing ok, but I feel like I've been hit by a tidalwave.

Thanks for listening

Phyllis

[MartyT]

Phyllis, dear ~ you feel as if you've been hit by a tidal wave because that's exactly what has happened to you ~ and sometimes, all you can do is keep your head above the water and stay afloat. You can't be paddling all the time ~ sometimes it's enough just to ride the wave . . .

[kayc]

I want to add that I wasn't there the weekend my husband died...we were always together but the one weekend I go away with my sisters, once a year, is the weekend he had his heart attack. I wasn't able to catch a ride for TWO days to get to the hospital (my sister that I rode with wanted to gamble instead of bring me to the hospital). I had a really hard time with that, but I let go of it. I feel bad that I wasn't there but it was beyond my control. If he had been his usual self he would have understood that, but he was having the struggle of his life, facing death head on. And maybe it's something he needed to do alone, I don't know, I don't know why things worked out like they did. All I know is I had to release him into God's hands and whose hands could I trust better than that?

I don't know what it's like to work 70 hours a week. Anyone who does that shouldn't berate themselves for not doing more! I am gone about 63 hours a week with my commute and that's more than enough for my liking!

We all loved our husbands/wives, and did our best, none of us have anything to feel guilty about, we love them and would do anything we humanly could for them, but some things are beyond our control. And some of us DO have to work! And we can't foresee how things will go.

Be easy on yourself, he would.

Love,

Kay

[WendyJ]

Well I am past the two year mark now and I can tell you it still hurts like hell, especially the Holidays. On a weekend like this Steve and I would have gotten together with family, gone for a ride on his Motorcycle, hit a flea market or two, BBQ'd all our food and rented a few movies and relaxed. Instead My nephews are sick this weekend, we are hoping it is not the swine flu as it hit their school system and my mother started chemo again today as her cancer is back. I still prefer to be alone too at times, but did go to a party Friday night at my bosses house and had a blast and realized I do have to get out more, so I am going to be working on that now. Hope you all have a nice relaxful weekend !

Love Always,

Wendy

[Boo Mayhew]

Hello my friend ... I HAVE to have alone time so that I can survive this ... I don't really cry in front of others now, like I did in the beginning ... this means that because I am now a pressure cooker, every day I have to let off steam (tears and stomp about sometimes, scream or whatever, but ALWAYS tears, sometimes dignified, sometimes proper sobbing till I can hardly breath tears).

I really enjoy people when I am with them, but need alone time so that I can focus on stuff and work through stuff too.

So, yes, it is normal, and to be honest, most weekends when Cliff was still here, I LOVED to stay home (people would visit us a lot) after working hard all week.

xx