Acceptance

[Boo Mayhew]

Hello everyone

it will be 5 months tomorrow that Cliff had his stroke, and it's hard to believe that I've survived it really. I seem to have stopped bouncing around between anger, guilt, denial, bargaining, numbness and hysteria and reached a different place on this journey ... is this acceptance? I think it might be.

Although I seem to have more inner peace (because I am not flitting between the above states of mind from one second to the next) I actually feel more sad and it is hurting even more (which I didn't think was humanly possible).

I really need some help from especially the "oldies" on the board ... how long does this stage last? I know that we all go through this at different rates and in different ways, but if I can make a guesstimate that will help me to cope better. Almost like having light at the end of the tunnel ... otherwise I'm not convinced I can do this. I have to have hope and am feeling a bit panicky and completely defeated right now.

Am going to psychiatrist tomorrow so that he can refer me back to my counsellor. I had 4 sessions free with EAR/EAP, but now my private health insurance (through work) has to pay, and to do that I have to be referred by a professional. I am missing my counselling sessions too so looking forward to that.

This hurts too much and I feel like I am going to freak out, help please!

xx

[WendyJ]

Hey Boo, I believe what you are experiencing now is called reality. I have been super busy lately and have not been able to read the posts too much but something tells me that maybe you have also been very busy and now things are slowing down and the reality is starting to hit you like a ton of bricks. My friend it is normal and you will have this for awhile and then you will feel alittle stronger again and then it will hit you again, it is just the way it is. I am past my 2 year mark and I am still hurting like a Son Of A Gun, I will not lie to you. I was driving home yesterday from work and a Beach Boys song came on and all I could think of was Steve and I dating before we got married and how we would drive to the Jersey shore every weekend with the convertable top down and the Beach Boys music blasting....I cried all the way home from work. I am such a truthful person and I wish I could tell everyone things like hang in there and it will get better etc. all I know is this is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and honestly I don't think I will ever get over losing my soul mate but I can tell you we have to go on without them as we have others who love us and depend on us and need us to be here as they are hurting too. The great thing I love about this site is that we all understand one another and when someone says they are hurting we know all too well exactly how the other feels. We will make it, somehow...someway with eachothers help. (((HUG)))

Love Always,

Wendy

[Boo Mayhew]

Thanks Wendy for telling me the truth

You can deal with the truth, but you can't deal with the unknown. Like you, I know that I will always hurt and always miss him. It's just that right now it's all I can feel and do. It has made me slow at work (but that's okay because they are really good to me here). I know that I have to go on and I will but I'd rather not be here, I want to be with him. I cannot believe just how tough this is. I'm only glad about one thing, that it's me going through it (that I didn't die first) because I love him too much for him to have to go through this - it's too much and it's cruel. Right now I just need to get through the next hour so that I can get home and have a good crying session.

Yep, I think this is reality.

Thanks for your hugs and for caring.

xx

[WendyJ]

Dealing with the unknown is one of the hardest parts of this. From the very beginning I panicked about what if something breaks or who will cut the lawn and what if the roof starts leaking during the night etc etc etc and some of the guys here will tell you I turn to them when I run into these problems but they are not here in Jersey so in reality I have to take care of these things on my own with their advice. My future is shattered, like yours and everyone elses..I have no idea what my future holds. Will I always be alone and having to do everything by myself with one income and struggling ? Or will I meet someone else who makes me almost as happy as Steve did and have all that comfort and love and security back ? Nobody can tell me this. My work has also suffered even after this longer period of time, my attention span is not what it used to be, I have a hard time focusing for more than a minute or so... even at home let things go longer than I would have in the past. I am just not the same person anymore between losing my husband and other things that have happened to me over the past 2 years. You are so right, this is cruel...horribly cruel and I can only hope that someday we can be even remotely happy again so that maybe we can look back at the times with our loved ones and smile instead of crying each and every time. Okay I think I will stop here Boo..this is hard for me too...lets both get back to work...we lose our jobs we have even more problems right ? ***sigh ***

Love You,

Wendy

[JeanneC]

Dear Wendy and Boo:

I know what you mean about dealing with the unknown. Especially about when it comes to things that go wrong with your house. I had a leagage problem in my basement right after Alex passed and it took me a year to have this problem solved. Also, my yard in the back was filled with weeds 10 feet tall. Right after Alex passed I was out there every weekend pulling these weed and got bit up by mosquitos. Now that is all taken care of, I hired a landscaper. I have mentioned this many times in my posts that we were in the middle of rennovating the whole house. My kitchen and powder room were already completed. My big bathroom and bedrooms and living and dining rooms needed to be completed. The big bathroom is finally done. Also, my husband was in the middle if switching over our fuse box to a circuit breaker box. I hired someone and that is completed.

When Alex first past, I thought, "how am I going to take care of all of this?" Also, going shopping and also for cat food and dry cleaning. But it is now just about a year at the end of this month and I have to say that I am really proud of myself on what I have accomplished.

I have been driving for about 35 years now and most of the time Alex drove. We had a car in the garage that belonged to my father that was practically new, but we could not use it until my father's will was probated. We used our own car (which was old). I was able to get my father's car on the road, registered and everything and donated the old car we had.

So, when I think back of what was ahead of me, I thought my world was shattered. Of course my world is shattered because of the loss of Alex and all the things that you have to do to survive are multiplied because you are still grieving.

I am sure we will all be able to deal with our loss one day at a time. For me, I still think of him constantly. But my life and the things that I have to do have become much more bearable. Maybe a year from now, I will feel even better. That is all we can ask of ourselves right now.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

Jeanne

I am in that position right now with my house. It is almost finished structurally but the garden is bad and when the new kitchen is done, the roof is finished, the driveway sorted, and a few other bits, the flooring and decorating will have to be done. I am very lucky and all his friends are also in construction and will help to do this. I only have to ask. Cliff's brother came up last night and did some electrical work ... I was a mess after he left prob because they had had to move some stuff and his tools and it wasn't him doing it ... I don't know.

The house is livable and I don't mind that ... it is coping with my head and heart that is freaking me out right now.

thanks so much for taking the time to reply and also for reassuring me that I can do that kind of stuff. You should be proud that you have accomplished what you have.

xx

[mrspapajohn]

My Dear Friend - - Stephen will be gone 5 months tomorrow also. My heart feels absolutely empty. Like you, I believe that the shock has worn off and reality has set in. Everything just seems so dark and hopeless. I have not done one thing since Stephen died. I really don't care if things get done or not. The roof could fall in and I would just leave it. I counted the unopened cartons in the garage the other day and they totalled 72. I just don't have the heart to open them (and repack what I will need when I move). I just can't get over the longing to have Stephen back. I am still mad at God for taking him.

I called each of my two aunts yesterday hoping for comfort. One has been a widow for 5 years. The other for 10 years. When they started telling me how they got through their version of widowhood, each broke down crying. They miss their husbands just as I miss Stephen. I guess that this is something we never get over.

Wendy - - I know exactly what you felt when you heard the Beach Boys on your car radio. I have turned mine off because I am convinced that I would have killed myself or someone else because of the songs that would set me off while I was driving.

Boo, I am glad that you are returning to counseling. I am planning to see a Psychologist starting the end of this month. I don't expect him to take the sadness away - just to listen and maybe help me with coping skills.

Please take care. You have helped me so much during this horrid time.

Kathy

[marsha]

boo - i found myself nodding, yes, while reading kathy, wendy, and jeanne's posts. when i was at 5 months, i was asking myself the same questions as you. the first few months i was in survival mode - at work and at home. i'm functioning pretty ok, and i've done a lot to make my own routine as comfortable and personal as i can, and a lot of it involved conscious decisions to let go of what joe would have done. in a way this was part of the light at the end of the tunnel, in that i've come to recognize myself again, even though it's a work in progress! my grief has set itself deep inside my heart. it's like there's a movie reel, always running, in the back of my head. i don't speak of it as much, i just don't know what to say except i'm still hurting, but am still seeing a therapist (invaluable), journaling, and continuing to come to this wonderful and safe forum. like jeanne said, i just hope as the inner wound heals, it will get better. hugs and peace!! love, marsha

[LostnEmpty]

Boo,

Although I am still experiencing all of those feelings you mentioned like anger, guilt, denial and numbness,etc., I also do feel more sad and hurt more with each passing day. On June 19th it will be 4 months since Marc died. I understand how you need help or an approximation on how long your current feelings will last so you know that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". I feel the same way in that i need some hope that I will be able to survive living this life without the one person I can't live without. Sorry i couldn't give any advice but i just wanted to let you know that i've been having those same feelings lately just as you have.

Just like Wendy mentioned if i hear a song it will remind me of Marc and the tears start coming down. But it's not just a song, things like seeing movies we wanted to see or watch together, driving by resturants we've eaten at, and going to stores that we went to together. Pretty much everything and everywhere still gets me very upset. Even going to my orthodontist appointments are so hard that I am transferring to a new office. Marc would take me to all of my appointments and wait for me playing on his cell phone which he had just gotten last year for the first time because of me. It was like a brand new toy for him and i aways have that image of him sitting in the waiting room downloading stuff on his cell phone. He would always send me graphics with messages like "I Love You", "Baby Girl" and blooming roses- one of the many things i miss about him that bring me to tears. I am hoping and waiting for a time when I can think or talk about him without crying my eyes out.

I haven't made any posts for awhile but i have been reading other people's posts. I have been busy trying to get things ready before our baby girl is born in just 3 more weeks. Plus I haven't been able to or felt the need to post lately but I think i will end up posting something soon since i am so close to giving birth to Marc's baby and the feelings I have will just become more and more intense that i will need support or just someone to listen. I never thought i would end up having this baby without her father and having to raise her and do everything on my own.

[kath]

Just last night I was reading what I wrote at 5 and a half months. I shed some tears and my daughter came up behind me to ask what I was reading. I shared some of it with her. She hugged me and said she missed dad, too. At five months it was unbearable. The reality and the pain flattened me. I lost my job because of it. So, it was then I started writing the story of Bob's illness and our life. I started to question who I was without him and where I fit in. I felt different. Now, at two years, I cry when I'm alone, usually at night or in the car. On the outside, I am doing really well, and most days, I feel it is true. But, it doesn't take much to put me right back there...missing everything about him.

[kayc]

Boo,

It is not surprising at all...it is around this time frame that reality sets in and you realize it's not his voice you'll hear on the other end when you answer the phone, it's not his car coming into the driveway, it's not him walking through that door. Somehow, shock numbs us until we can better handle it, and then it begins to wear off, leaving us to deal with the really hard issues of accepting that death has dealt a blow to our lives. This is the time in which the really hard work begins, and we have great effort on our part just to survive the aftermath. But somewhere down the road, it does begin to change, the intensity lessens to a more palatable diet, and thke grief journey evolves into something more than just pain and tears...I think it was somewhere around three years when I realized I carry my George around inside of me, safely inside so I can reach inside for him at any moment...he is there inside of me, still loving me, being there to comfort me, bring me strength, his words haunting me with his encouragement...and ever so often he brings me a smile as I think about his ways, his wonderful love, how fortunate I was to have him. It defies death, and surpasses even missing him, and I realize our love survived and goes on. My George was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the benefits of having known him continue even still.

[Boo Mayhew]

thank you all for your love and caring words. I really needed to hear from you all and get some reassurance. Today went to see psychiatrist and he has referred me back for counselling which is great news. He also said that I definitely need anti-depressants and has promised me that the meds will not delay the grieving process (which I was worried about) ... so between this board, writing my blog, the meds and my counselling (plus going back to psychiatrist every 3 months for next 9 months) I have great support and I have the will to get through this as hard as it is.

thank you all again for your caring and help ... especially when it means it hurts you to have to revisit and open old wounds ... I simply can't thank you enough.

xx

[MartyT]

And dear Boo, while you're acknowledging everyone else, make sure you give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage and the good sense to ask for and obtain the help you need. Grief work is some of the hardest work we'll ever have to do, and it is sheer folly for any of us to think that we can do it all by ourselves. Good for you!

[valley]

Dear Boo,

Acceptance. My dear partner died 9 months ago next Tuesday. I cannot say I have really accepted that he is GONE. That word is so final, the idea that I cannot have fun with him again. I suppose that I am better in some ways.....I can sleep some nights now, I eat and I work hard all day. But I still wait in anticipation of Tom coming home at night though I know this will not happen. Maybe that is acceptance. To actually realize or know, your partner is not coming home.

I also come to this discussion group to listen to people who are going through the same loss and hardship and hope through their experience I can feel less isolated. I only went to a counsellor once....two months after my husband died and just sat there and cried. It was too soon and I was so devastated that nothing made any sense to me. I know I should, like you, seek a group of people to sit face to face with and share. For now I come here to gain some sense of normalcy in grief.

I have always enjoyed what you have offered and feel your warmth and compassion. Take care and I am please that you will get the counselling that you seek.

Take care, Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

hello everyone

I am back online ... have had a very dark bad week but trying hard to get back on track. I thank you all and love you for all your help and encouragement. Waiting for the meds and hopefully they will help a little. I didn't think it was possible to hurt more but I do. And I know that you all do too. Right now I am holding onto the fact that even though he is no longer here, I WILL be with him again someday and his love is still here with me even though he isn't physically. I was incredibly blessed to be loved by him and I will never let go of that.

xx