Newbie

[Urchin]

Hello All, I am here because I lost my husband Sterling 5 weeks and 5 days ago. He died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 60. He was my whole world. He was my best time. I am living in a pigsty with my two cats (thank God for them). I can't do the simplest task. I don't want to do the simplest task. Cleaning my house or myself seems like a huge waste of my time. Time that is better spent wandering around in my nightgown always ready to climb back into bed. I have no family here, but I have a good friend who lives about an hour away. She has been my buoy in this ocean of grief. I am here because I need any help you can give me.

[fred]

Hello Urchin, I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry you had to join us here. But you have found a safe place, We understand what it is like, what you are feeling and what you will go through. Please write freely here, it is best to face this all head on, just as it comes and as you can. I have ¨survived¨ over two years now and was in very bad shape when I first found these wonderful folks. Just try to take care of yourself as best you can for right now. Your grief is still new, still raw; you will get better but it will take time. Don´t fret over the house much now, you will deal with that when you are able. The major concern is your well being for the moment. Please rest and return here whenever you need or wish to. Someone will be here whenever you need a friendly ear.

[shhh65]

Hello Urchin,

I rarely post any longer but "happened" to check in here today. I'm nearing the 18th month mark in a few days. My husband also died suddenly. He was 62 and planning an early retirement with just 6 days left to work. The reason I share this with you is to give you hope. I felt hopeless just as are conveying in your post. I found this site just short of a month after Harry's death. I couldn't even post for a while, just read and cried...for myself and so many others here who seemed to be saying just how I was feeling. I've been so thankful to the people here who have a gift of expressing themselves. I would never be able to repay the kindess and wisdom found within this group. Keep coming back. I know you will find it to be true as well.

Hang on!

Sherry

[David'sGirlStill]

Urchin,

I am so sorry you have to join us in this hell. But welcome to our family. I just lost my husband on February 23, I am still riding these horrible waves. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you but I don't. All I can say is please keep coming here. This is the warmest, safest place I've found.

Hugs

Phyllis

[gatorman]

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I lost my beloved wife a little over 3 months ago. The other members that sent you messages are correct. You should keep posting because there is no one on here that can understand exactly what you are going through but I will tell you they are very close. Take care of yourself and and the cats. The house will be there.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Urchin

Welcome to our family. I will echo what everyone else has said; this is a safe environment where people understand you and will hold your hand through this awful time. You can say anything and no one will judge you.

Of course you don't want to do anything. You have been through the biggest shock of your life. Don't worry about housework and stuff, when you are ready to do it, you will.

This is what has helped me so far (my husband died suddenly from a stroke just over 5 months ago):

posting on this board

writing a blog

meeting with my counsellor

getting anti-depressants (only got those a week ago but I think they are helping)

my dogs (they get me up in the mornings)

my work (it's a great distraction)

my memories

family and friends

Right now you are struggling through what I would call the "early days" and you are raw and stunned. Know that any emotion that you feel is ok. I found that when I learned to stop fighting the emotions (which is a natural reaction because they are so painful) and learned to embrace them, I got less inner turmoil, but of course, the pain is still there.

Please be gentle with yourself and don't berate yourself for doing nothing ... this is such a hard thing to go through that there aren't really any words to describe it.

I will share with you that today, I too am in my nightie (and it's midday in London) but I AM working from home. I have cried this morning, but only for a short while, it isn't constant. Whilst I may not be capable of carrying out plans and projects at home, I am making plans in my head. A great step forwards.

You will get there, one day at a time, one tiny step at a time. For now, just go with the flow of feelings and keep posting here. For now, it is enough to simply sleep when you can and eat a little each day. You may think that you are going to be sick, but just try a little toast with butter to start with, please.

Is there a bereavement group that you can join in your area. The one thing that concerned me was that you don't seem to have people around you.

Again, I am so sorry urchin, but we are here for you ... come back and speak to us,

xx

[JeanneC]

Dear Urchin

I am happy that you found us, but I wish it could have been under different circumstances. I know it is very hard right now. But is is just the beginning. Next week it will be a year anniversary on the death of my Alex. He also died of a heart attach. But he didn't die suddenly. It took 5 months. I came here about a month after he died and it was so hard for me to even read all the posts. I just cried and cried. I was in the same position as you are in. The house was a mess (in the middle of rennovation). No family. Have two cats. And like you, thank god. Just such a comfort. Believe me that I am still grieving, but it is so much more bearable. It will take you time. As far as the house goes. Don't worry. Right now you need to take care of yourself first. Then as time goes on you will know when to deal with the house. I took one step at a time and I accomplished so much in the past year that I have to say that Alex would be so proud of me. And I am not finished. But right now the year anniversary is coming up and I am dealing with some remembrance of last year. It will pass and then I will deal with another year without him. But that will also pass.

So you see from the other posts that you have real true friends here that want to help. Believe me I never thought that I would have come so far from last year.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

Jeanne, I know that your post is for Urchin, but wanted to say that your post also gave me hope and inspiration I am only half way along your journey and also have a house that is half finished. I am just getting to the point where I can think about finishing it, and I will. Thanks for giving me that today.

[JeanneC]

Boo:

I am happy that you feel hope. It makes me happy when one of us are progressing and moving on. If you need to know about anything that needs to be done with your house, just ask. I might be able to help. If you need a contractor, go on-line and there is a service called Service Magic and they find you contractors for all different projects in your home. They have reviews on them. I found a contractor for my bathroom, landscaper, waterproofing and I am still using them.

Hope you are doing well.

Love

Jeanne

[Urchin]

Thank you to all of you who replied to my post. Your kindness and understanding and words of wisdom were just what I needed this morning. Last night I received some terrible news, but for the first time in over 5 months I thought of someone besides myself and my grief for my Sterling. Yesterday a very good friend who lives up in Alaska lost her 19 year old son. He killed himself. Sterling and I lived in Alaska for 23 years and used to babysit for this boy when he was a baby and into his toddler years. We loved the little guy so much.

I have to tell you what sends chills thru my soul about this boy and my Sterling. My step-daughters put together a brochure for Sterling's service. They picked the pictures, the poems and wrote the narrative and then took it to Kinkos for printing. I saw in only after it was finished. What is so overwhelming now after hearing of my friend's son, is a picture that was inside. The girl's wanted to show Sterling's sense of humor, so they put in a picture of Sterling and I wearing Groucho glasses and a baby wearing a Picnocho (spell?) nose. Sterling is holding this little boy in his arms. What is chilling is that the girls looked thru hundreds of pictures and they chose that one.

As shocking and heartbreaking as the death of both of them so close together is, I am finding comfort in knowing that precious little boy is back in Sterling's arms. The Sarah McCloughlin song "In the arms of the Angels" keeps playing over and over in my mind. Tears having been sliding down my face since I heard of this boy's death. I don't know if I am crying for him or Sterling or both. One more thing before I go. My friend and I had a huge falling out and have not spoken for seven years. She did not acknowledge Sterling's death even though she knew about it. Should I reach out to her? Should I send her a copy of Sterling's brochure? I am at a loss again. Any help you post will be appreciated.

[kayc]

Urchin,

I'm sorry you lost your husband...it is all still so fresh, and very hard to deal with, but you have found a remarkable site where you are surrounded by others who have gone through the same thing, all in varying stages of grief, and we're here in this together, helping each other through it. It's been four years ago today for me since my George died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 51. You will get better at coping with it but the missing will continue as no one and nothing fills their spot. I'm glad you have one good friend, all mine disappeared with my husband's death. You are right, sometimes things seem pointless in the scheme of things...nothing seems the same any more, not going to work, or anything else that we do, but we do them merely because we have to. Be kind to yourself and try not to expect too much of yourself, you've been through a huge shock and it takes much time to adjust. We'll be here for you, just keep coming back and posting. (((hugs)))

Kay

[Boo Mayhew]

Urchin

it's hard to say whether or not you should contact your old friend.

My heart says you should ... perhaps you can help each other.

My head warns me that perhaps the reasons that caused you to fall out in the first place may re-surface after a while and you may be hurt again, on top of what you are already feeling.

But, to love means to allow yourself to be hurt, if that makes sense.

So, it is a risk. But an acceptable one?

You need to calculate how acceptable a risk it is, think of your own self-preservation!

Good luck, it WOULD be lovely if something good could come out of both of your losses.

x

[WendyJ]

Urchin I am so very sorry for your loss, please keep coming here and we will help you in any way we can through this terrible time. Myself I would send the brochure to your friend and leave it to her whether to contact you more. I will make you a bet she is trying to get up the nerve to contact you also and I think you both need eachother very badly right now. Please let us know what happens.

Love Always,

Wendy

[Boo Mayhew]

thanks so much Jeanne. I'm based in the UK so Service Magic may not extend to here. I am extremely lucky because Cliff's brother is also a builder and will finish the house. I'm still struggling with the idea of him touching everything ... the way that Cliff left it. But I will. I have to do it for him, because to waste all his hard work and his plans would be criminal. Obviously I have to ensure I have the energy for this too, because of the upheaval that it will create and I will have to move stuff, clean etc ... not convinced that I have those energy levels yet ... BUT I WILL xxxxx

Boo:

I am happy that you feel hope. It makes me happy when one of us are progressing and moving on. If you need to know about anything that needs to be done with your house, just ask. I might be able to help. If you need a contractor, go on-line and there is a service called Service Magic and they find you contractors for all different projects in your home. They have reviews on them. I found a contractor for my bathroom, landscaper, waterproofing and I am still using them.

Hope you are doing well.

Love

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

Urchin, thinking of you today ... how are you?

[valley]

Urchin,

My husband died 9 months ago. He was my best friend and a source of such fun and joy. I felt very much like you right after his death. I just let myself be. I knew I couldn't do much other than cry and scream out for him and so that is what I did. The house, the garden, paper work, all of that stuff just had to wait for me to resurface and find a bit of energy to take on one tiny thing that day.

It is better now. I do more each day. I find that accomplishing things here at home, (our) home, the place we loved, it makes me feel better. But I have just moved to this point gradually. I think you will too.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a devastating blow. I think that this is a spot for you to reach out to people and talk about whatever you feel, whatever you need to say. It is safe. It provides a place to share your grief.

TAke care and know that we are walking beside you.

Valley

[mrspapajohn]

Urchin - - I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It has been just over 5 months for me and I still don't care if my house is cleaned or not. And, my closest friends who listen to all my ramblings are my two cats. Like you, I would be lost without them.

I agree with Wendy that you might try sending Sterling's brochure to your friend and let her decide whether or not to answer. She must be in terrible pain also and perhaps you could help each other. I know that I don't think that I could have survived without the friends that I have met on this site who have gone through the same dark hours that I have, and are still going through them.

But really, for now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take Boo's advice and try to eat and take care of yourself. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Kathy