3 Years Tomorrow, But Who's Counting?

[carrieboo]

I've only been lurking around here the past few months, or maybe its been the past year (I lost my concept of time), work and things have been keeping me busy. But this time of year I seem to notice a pattern. Anxiety, depression, holding back tears, anger, lack of motivation, and unable to concentrate even on the smallest tasks. I've taken on more these past few weeks (2 night courses that take up 3 nights a week) hoping it will distract me, but I think they may be making me worse. I have 2 months to edit my masters thesis, unsure of how I was able to make it that far in the first place, I certainly don't feel like I've learned anyting...as if it all went in one ear and out the other.

I thought after 3 years of losing my fiance, falling in love again, and starting a new job, in a new city, would help. I know the grief will never disappear, I will always love and miss him, but I still struggle to be happy. Its as if the "newness" of change makes me happy, makes me feel like i'm making progress and it distracts me, but then the "newness" wears off and I start feelign the same old depressed feelings again. Plus, there are still conflicts between his family and me, and a recent miscarriage, that are making my grief and depression worse. I used to make suggestions to others on how to get through such a horrible loss, but now I cannot follow them myself. Its as if I've backtracked and lost the sense of moving forward. I'm at the point where I feel like quitting it all will make me feel better, less stressed. Thanks for listening

[DeeGee]

Hi carrieboo,

I am kind of new here. My husband died three weeks ago this past Saturday after a 14 month battle with cancer.

I am so sorry you are feeling bad once again. But you knew to come here, so that is good.

Could you please tell me a little about the course of your grief, because I really don't know where I am going with my own in the future. I am not crying as much as I was at first, so I guess that is good.

Also, you mentioned a miscarriage. How recently was that? Did you grieve that loss? Did it bring back those old feelings of loss? My daughter-in-law had a miscarriage and handled it well - she was sad but not devastated, but she already had two children at the time. My daughter had been trying and trying to become pregnant, finally was pregnant and then had a miscarriage and it was very, very hard on her. She was just devastated - in a way that I had never seen her before. Fortunately, she then went on to become pregnant again and delivered a healthy baby. But to this day I know she still mourns that first pregnancy.

My greatest loss prior to my husband's death was the sudden death of my beloved father seven years ago. I have continued to grieve him over the years at times. And yes, certain times of the year and certain dates - his birthday, Father's Day, the holidays - it is worse.

I want to give you my condolences on your loss and wish you well in dealing with your grief,

DeeGee

[kayc]

Boo,

It goes in spurts sometimes when it's this far out, I know it took me a good three years to fully process and accept...I will always miss him, but I've stopped expecting life to be a certain way and accepted that it is what it is. You're like a beacon to the rest of us so you can't quit, but you can have off days or off weeks or month if that's needed...I'm sorry it's hard for your right now.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[PaulaB.]

Hi Carrieboo,

I am sorry for both of your losses; you are a very strong person. I hope that I'm as far along as you are in three years time. I think you've accomplished a lot. I want to return to school in January, but right now I don't know if I will have the strength that it takes. I know that I have it in me, but right now those strengths are very quiet or maybe just too tired. Some days I feel as though I don't care about anything, but I keep plugging along. I think you have, too. You'll be an inspiration for me come Januaury.(((HUGS))) Paula

[Boo Mayhew]

CarrieBoo, you have helped me so many times, I have lost count, so I know that you can do this. You need to know that you can do it though, because this is about you. Please don't expect to feel that just now as these anniversaries ... they bring us to our knees. They bring everything sharply back into focus again, and to the fore. Just because you fell in love again, doesn't mean that you stopped loving or missing Neal. Family conflict will add even more (a lot more) to your pain.

I am only at 9 months, but can share with you that each May (her birthday and death) for the past 5 years, Cliff's Dad goes inward, quiet, alone with his own thoughts ... to another time I think ... where he thinks of his wife and is reminded of what he has lost, when he misses her acutely, and he relives that very real early pain of his earliest days when he first lost her. He copes admirably most of the time, but every May he starts riding the tsunami, sometimes breathing, sometimes gulping for air, sometimes not caring if he drowns. But in June he always navigates back to those calmer seas. We just give him space. It's a shame that you are getting attacked instead of receiving empathy.

Be still, breath, it will pass.

Sure do wish I could come and sit by you for a while, but know that I will in my heart.

xx

[kath]

Dear Carrieboo,

I understand what you mean when it feels like the newness wears off. For me, it's like settling into a routine that I don't really want to be in. I'm here, doing all that "needs" to be done, yet there is still that emptiness that can't be filled, because our loved one left that hole in our hearts however long ago. I wonder if this is the new normal. The sadness seems to lay there, just beneath the surface, until a bit of comfort sets in, then it erupts, making certain that nothing is really too comfortable.

You sound like you are under a lot of stress right now. Be patient as you finish up your thesis (an accomplishment I greatly admire, by the way) and find something special to treat yourself. When's the last time you bought yourself some flowers? Quite often I find myself praying for contentment. It seems like a little thing to ask, but the rewards are great...to be happy with what is instead of what it is I think I want.

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. That would certainly bring about a great feeling of loss all over again. Please know we are holding you in thought as you try to deal with it all.

Love,

Kath

[carrieboo]

I want to thank everyone for the kind words, they have helped me alot. Its been a tough few weeks, but I made it through and am feeling somewhat better.

DeeGee: I am sorry to hear of your loss. I remember going through phases soon after, not crying as much...maybe our tear ducts run dry. But it comes in waves, along with anger (which thankfully only lasted a few months), and many other feelings I never thought I had. I was amazed at how horrible I felt physically, my body ached right along with my heart. The miscarriage certainly brought back those feelings of loss, and many painful memories, which I think have made this anniversary a little more difficult to handle. I find when i'm busy and talking to people I feel good, but it's when i'm alone and think about everything that has happened, I break down. Again, it comes in waves. In your journey, if you ever feel alone and things are too much to handle at times, its comforting to know you can come here for support.

The sadness does seem to just "lay beneath the surface", I wonder if it ever goes away, even for a short period? Maybe I do need to treat myself, and flowers are a great idea.

One step, day, and breath at a time.

Thanks again for the support,

Lots of Love

xoxo

[Boo Mayhew]

CarrieBoo, it is so good to hear that you feel a little better. I hope that you are left in peace to reflect and build yourself back up slowly xxx

[mlg]

Carrieboo we all hit those streaks and just have to ride the wave until it calms. You have to remember to, if you just had a miscarriage, your hormones are all over the place. Give yourself a litte space and calmm. My daughter is in her second to the last semester on her master's too and is very STRESSED. It is probably the hardest semester she had. So take care, breathe and we'll keep the prayers and hugs coming.

[Korina]

Carrieboo:

I can only imagine myself at 3 years, undoubtedly not very accurately. And as a new mother, I cannot even fathom a miscarriage. When Kailyn was first born, I couldn't watch anything on tv that had to do with the death of an infant, even though I knew it was fictional. I admire you for just sustaining.

Korina

[pier472000]

Carrieboo: I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time right now. One of the most helpful things I was told about grieving is that its like sitting on a beach and huge wave crashes over you and drags you out into the deep water where you are tossed around and around and finally dumped back on the beach. You get to sit there for short time and another wave crashes over you and the same thing happens again and again and again. As your grief journey progresses you will get to sit on the beach longer between waves. Maybe you are being tossed around in the deep water right now and I pray that you'll be back on the beach soon, for a long time.

[valley]

Carrieboo,

I am proud of you! Really proud. You are moving along with your life and all the obstacles that life presents us with.....and then you hit bottom...again. You have a lot to be pleased about and you made that happen.

My husband has been dead one year now and it is hard to imagine creating a new future to me, as I am still doing the things that have to be done, not something new.

I am sending my love to you and go ahead and finish that MA, even if you don't seem to have the ability to concentrate right now. That is a problem I have had this whole year....ability to focus and concentrate.

Take in that breath, hold it, let it out through your mouth.

Valley