Anticipation...

[PaulaB.]

I promised Tom that I would be OK. I made that promise to him and that is what I intend to do. I have my rough spots some days and I will never forget him and his impact on my life. He and his spirit will always be a part of me for the rest of my life. I talk to him and ask his advice, but I don't cry as much as I used to. There are even things now that are making me smile. Maybe it's because I knew it was coming and I was preparing myself for the inevitable. Maybe I will crash in a week? All I know is that Tom would not want me to be stuck in despair. Whenever I start going down that I road, I stop myself and I remember the promise that I made to Tom and it gives me great strength. I have my life ahead of me without Tom and wherever that brings me. I would want him to do the same thing, to live his life here on earth to the fullest and to find joy in every moment of it because that's what's it's all about.

[deborah ogren]

I'm glad that you are feeling better lately. As you say Tom would want you to live your life to the fullest.It sounds like you and Tom had a very good relationship I know that is something that he would love to see you happy again. I think that is what we all would like to get to that point.

I was talking to my counselor the other day and I told her that my mind knows that my Deb wasn't coming back. That now the mind and the heart has to connect, it has only been six months for me, and each day I feel a little better. I still have good days and some bad days, but I know that I will survive this.

You take care of your self.

Debbie

[Korina]

Paula:

I am so glad you are finding smiles in memories, now. It happens occasionally for me, but I still have a long way to go. I do try to focus on being happy with my daughter. In those last days when my husband was on life support, I promised him I would raise her as best as I could. She is my main focus, and I want to make Scott proud. She is a miracle, she makes me smile and melts my heart every day. And when I feel the sadness and tears that Scott is not with me to see her smile, to laugh, to fall, to crawl, I try to imagine him watching us from above (or from wherever).

Korina

[Boo Mayhew]

PaulaB, thanks for this post, because you have just reminded me that I told Cliff that I would be ok minutes before he died ... and that it was ok to go to sleep because he didn't need to worry about anything anymore. So that was a promise really too, and now that I have realized that, it makes it slightly easier to go forwards, make plans, be happy once more ... slowly slowly xx

[JeanneC]

Paula:

That is a great attitude that you have. I am happy to hear that you can smile again. Tom would be happy also to know that you feel this way.

Love,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Paula,

Your attitude is great, and it's good that the two of you talked about it. Don't be surprised if you have setbacks, but so long as you keep picking yourself up and keep going, you'll be okay. Remember that feelings fluctuate so the highs and lows can ebb and flow...they are just feelings, it's what we do with them that matters in the long run.

[PaulaB.]

Thank you so much for your support!!! I was kind of worried about posting this topic. I have to move forward. I don't know where I or my daughter will live in a very few months because of the estate issues. I'm having a yard sale here tomorrow morning, "bright and early". Tom would be so proud of me. I couldn't figure out how to hang mine and my daughter's clothes. So, I took two ladders of the same size and a metal closet rod out of the office closet which is the biggest closet and a couple of bungee cords and it worked! I have 8 feet of hanging space! And I didn't use any duct tape! My whole life got re-arranged when Tom passed away. Everything I was counting on was gone. The rug got pulled out from under me. I have to make the most of the doormats... I saw the one of the most incredible movies last night. I do Netflix; I love movies. The movie's called "Young @ Heart". I cried "buckets of tears" and I smiled and I cried again. It's an incredible film. It gave me a lot of strength about looking towards the future and making the most of it. Paula

[jrm]

Paula I read your posts and see your spirit. You are truly amazing to carry through each day. You are moving forward and all of us here in the forum will continue to support all your endevors. You sound like a truly amazing person.

[laurieb]

I too have had parts of days where I feel a smile and warmth in my heart. I agree that I have some set backs like last night at the movies with my girlfreind when an aquaintance friend of scotts came up to share his condolences, I just cried when I got into the movies. some days are hard but I can now see the sunshine and moonlight! I could not do that a few months ago. I am not alone and will continue on in my journey until I can find out who the new me is and be ok... One day at a time.

Laurie

[kayc]

Paula,

I never thought to hang clothes on ladders, and you didn't even use duct tape! LOL My mom has learned to fix just about anything with rubber bands, pantihose, or tape! Right after George died our closet rod broke and I was so proud of myself, I found a rod that would fit and cut it to length and installed it, it was perfect! I am NOT a handyman! We get resilient when we have to.

[mlg]

Don't you think a lot of our tears are because no one will let us be us so we keep it all bottled up inside and then the cork just blows at the littlest thing. I really think if people would talk to us and let us say how we really feel more often and talk about our loved ones instead of acting like they never existed we would all do better.

[laurieb]

Mary Linda

that's it!!!!!! as i sit here home from work today not feeling well and so sad. I miss my scott so very much 7 Months ago today I was with him alive. Gosh this just stinks!! I know I'm being selfish but I want a hug so bad and want it to last the rest of my life... Dear God when does the pain end??

Laurie